My Heroin Recovery

“Day 18 in Rehab (Part 1)"

2009-06-10T18:10:00.000+02:00

Monday, 2 June 2008
Rehab – “Day 18 in Rehab (Part 1)"
Rehab, 18 April 2008…

It is past 8 at night. I am lying in bed shaking, my legs aching. My eyes are sore, I’m nauseous, muscles paining and I’m constantly sneezing. The withdrawals started yesterday morning after they stopped my medication the day before and it has just gotten worse and worse.

The medication I’m talking about helps with heroin withdrawal but unfortunately you get addicted to that aswell and since I also used this medication before rehab my system is well aware of this replacement. Now I’m withdrawing from the medication.

I’ve been to the ATM so many times today asking for something to relieve the pain. The sisters have given me pill after pill but as soon as it works out of my system I’m back again. I woke up round about 2 this morning and the sister checked my file. She could see how I’ve been getting worse and worse since Wednesday. “I don’t know what else to give you” she said. I’ve taken everything I’m allowed to take. Nothing worked.

She handed me a pill. It was the same as the medicine I stopped on Tuesday, the same as the stuff I was withdrawing from right at that moment. “Take this” she said. It will help until you can see the doctor on Monday!

“Put your hands up in the air"

2009-06-10T18:09:00.000+02:00

Monday, 2 June 2008
Current Recovery – “Put your hands up in the air"
Saturday, 31 May 2008…

When I first got out of rehab I avoided club music for a while, even certain radio stations like 5fm was never switched on. Every time I heard even one song that reminded me of my clubbing days I had nightmares during the night about taking again. So, when I stood in the middle of the dance floor on Saturday night listening to heavy electro tunes blaring through the speakers, flashing lights gleaming through the smoky air and surrounded by drug addicts I couldn’t help but smile!

Perhaps the grin was at the irony at having a room full of drug addicts dancing to the latest tunes – and all of them clean and sober! Of course, they were recovering addicts – some of them with only one day clean and others with over 12 years. The point was I was there. I listened to the music and danced like I would in any other club on any substance and I went to bed and had an absolutely brilliant night of sleep.

I attended my very first NA Convention on Saturday and Sunday. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life, hearing the stories of so many people. I gained so much knowledge and direction from a group of people I really admire. I wish I could go into detail but since it is anonymous I’ll leave it at that.

I shared something at the convention aswell. I’m a much better writer than I am a speaker so I was really nervous talking over a microphone. I said then what I’ll repeat to anybody at any time. I am proud to be who I am. I am proud to be an addict in recovery. I am leading such a fulfilling life now and this is only the beginning. I get to go to such wonderful places and meet people and all without the use of drugs.

The dance floor is risky, some people at the Convention with many many years of sobriety avoided it. I don’t know if I can ever go back to an environment where people are dancing around me and all of them are high. I don’t even know if I want to. But at least I know I can enjoy a good song and dare to dance along to it without grabbing the phone to phone the dealer.

"Day 17 in Rehab"

2009-06-10T18:08:00.000+02:00

Wednesday, 28 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 17 in Rehab"
Rehab, 17 April 2008…

I spoke to the nurse on duty tonight to get moved out of the Penthouse (the room where I’m sleeping). The rest of the guys there have no consideration for my feelings. The other night with Julius keeping me awake was just the tip of the iceberg. The rest of the time they just do what they like, shouting, screaming and making noise while they stand right next to each other.

We managed that I move into the room where Darrell is sleeping and somebody else move into the Penthouse. Now, up to now nobody else wanted to move into the Penthouse because of the noise and disrespect. Every few days people are suppose to move into different rooms but everybody refused to move into the Penthouse. Charlie* however had no problem moving. He wasn’t a guy that anybody would walk over. He was about 3x my size to start with and didn’t keep his mouth shut for anybody.

This morning when the rest of the room saw me moving out and Charlie moving in they freaked, accusing people of being racist and the ‘white people’ of sending people to ‘discipline them’. They said it! I just kept quiet!

To tell you the truth I was sick and tired of it. Too many people in this clinic and in my life have walked over me because it is so easy. I can’t say No and people take advantage of it. I’m trying to change that but it is harder than I thought.

In the mean time I’m still deciding whether I should stay a week longer or not. I didn’t have a good day at all today but we’ll talk about that tomorrow.

"Day 16 in Rehab"

2009-06-10T18:07:00.001+02:00

Wednesday, 28 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 16 in Rehab"
Rehab, 16 April 2008…

Some of you might remember the series “Friends” with Chandler, Monica, Rachel, Joey, Foebe and Ross. Joey had a saying that he used whenever he tried to chat up a girl. “How ya doin’?” It worked for him many times simply because he did it with confidence. He could look himself in the mirror and he oozed coolness.

I got an assignment from the therapist on Monday. I had to write a piece highlighting my personal qualities. For that I had to look myself in the mirror and focus on the good qualities and forget about the bad ones. This was one of the more difficult things for me to do because I simply don’t see myself that way. One of the reasons for my drug use was that drugs made me feel better about myself.

After a few days of looking myself in the mirror and saying “How ya doin’?” to my reflection I handed in my assignment today. I wrote the piece asif there was a Christiaan Product next to me and I was trying to sell it to somebody. Here goes…

The newly rehabilitated 2008 Christiaan model has been blessed with a very creative and imaginative mind that not only enjoys but has shown talent in maths, writing and computer especially computer programming.

He has a good general knowledge fed by his curiosity and hunger to learn. He has a friendly and optimistic face that lightens up any cloudy day which he shares with the friends he makes so easily. Friends describe him as helpful, considerate and compassionate and he’d like to pride himself on always demonstrating those abilities.

His big warm heart lets in even those that most others would reject and is matched only by his big eyes which on a good day can pierce you with the blue in its blue-green colour. He has soft firm hands which most would find feminine but a piano player would die for.

He even has a few qualities he finds appealing in others like the glasses he wears and normally a nice firm stomach. Above all he has a brilliant sense of humor and a good sense of right and wrong which helped him in the best and worst of life’s situations.

"Full Circle"

2009-06-10T18:07:00.000+02:00

Monday, 26 May 2008
Current Recovery - "Full Circle"

It is Monday, 26 May 2008. Today, I thought I’d update you a bit on how it is going in the real life since I came back from my rehab stay.

I feel like a brand new person, with a new lust for life, new activities to keep me busy, new friends and a new lifestyle. I can’t wish for a better direction to head my life into. Even though I am still bothered by constant body pains, occasional depression, tiredness and exhaustion these are all minor symptoms to a much bigger battle I am winning every day.

I attend regular AA and NA meetings and I am getting incredible help from the people there. The days when there are no meetings or I can’t get to one I attend online meetings. I found a Sponsor and I’m busy working the Step Program, which by the way has been a brilliant self discovery.

But the most amazing thing is for the first time in my life I am not only attending church but extra church activities. I literally count the days in anticipation until I can attend each one. My relationship with God has gone from virtually non-existent to amazingly personal. He is my ‘best friend’ and has blessed me today with 56 clean days.

Last time around I already relapsed when I got to this day, I took drugs a few times and substituted alcohol like there was no tomorrow. If you had to compare my life back then to one today – well, I don’t even think there is a comparison, I hardly know where to find the words to describe it to you. But you can ask my church, my friends, even those that occasionally bump into me in the shopping mall and most definitely my family - maybe they’ll be able to find the words!

"Day 15 in Rehab"

2009-06-10T18:06:00.000+02:00

Friday, 23 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 15 in Rehab"
Rehab, 15 April 2008...

Should I stay a week longer? Since realizing on Friday night that I’ve hardly done any work on myself in the clinic I’ve thought about the idea a lot. When I booked into the clinic they told me I could extend my stay with a week if I chose to and that a lot of heroin patients did it. Since this weekend I seem to be having one bad day after the other. Even last night was a complete disaster…

Lights out on a week day is 22:00 and everybody needs to be in bed by then to take their medication. Julius (the one that accused us of smoking weed) moved into my room a few days back and he has been distributive every night since then. Last night he couldn’t sleep and decided to run up and down the halls, talking to people, laughing and singing. I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, repeatedly asking him to stop, but after 2 hours of listening to it I couldn’t take it anymore. I took my blanket and went downstairs to sleep in one of the other rooms.

The only room available downstairs was one of the Sedation wards. There was one bed available in a room full of snoring men. I weighed my options and decided to stay in the room where at least some kind of rhythmic noise was going on and not the random racket by Julius. I lay in the bed for about an hour unable to fall asleep and finally went to the lie on the couch in the foyer. Eventually I fell asleep there but hardly got 4 hours sleep in the end.

Michael (the sexy one), one of my best friends in the clinic left today. We were ‘shower and bed buddies’ which sounds much kinkier than it actually was. Every night roughly the same time we would take showers and then go to bed and tell each other about what we did before we got here, how we got here and what our plans were for the future. Since I felt so bad and just wanted to be in bed the past few days, these conversations kept me from just sulking.

When I finally went to bed saying goodbye to another dreadful day I was leaning towards staying longer. My mind was not where it should be!

"Day 14 in Rehab (Part 2)"

2009-06-10T18:05:00.000+02:00

Friday, 23 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 14 in Rehab (Part 2)"
Rehab, 14 April 2008 (Part 2)...

I went to bed after I spoke to Darrell and waited until I could get my medicine. My medication stops in 2 days and the thought terrifies me. There won’t be convenient help in a pill form from then. But today, I could still take it and it made me feel a bit better - at least well enough to attend the groups.

The negativity the group experienced the past few days seemed to fade. I also wasn’t the only one having nightmares, throughout the whole clinic one after the other complained about their bad nights. Even though the food still disappeared from the rooms, the DSTV remote and black pool ball all magically appeared again.

I made an appointment with my therapist and told her about the past few days and how bad I experienced them. She helped me to focus on myself a bit and not so much on the people around me. One of the things I had to do was say ‘NO’ to at least one thing per day. This would help me in trying to please so many people. I also have to write her something to address my poor self-esteem but I’ll get to that later on in the week. She said that for now all that mattered was that I didn’t walk out of the gates today!

I hope tomorrow will be better. No… I believe it will be!

"Day 14 in Rehab (Part 1)"

2009-06-10T18:04:00.001+02:00

Thursday, 22 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 14 in Rehab (Part 1)"
Rehab, 14 April 2008 (Part 1)...

When I opened my eyes this morning I couldn’t breathe, my eyes were swollen, I was nauseous and had leg cramps. It felt like the inside of my legs was trying to scratch it’s way out. It has been 2 weeks since I last took any heroin and I was lying here withdrawing badly.

My mind switched into the mode it had as default for all these months. It wanted heroin. I felt like I was lying back at home already making plans how to get it today. Where would I get the money? When will I have a chance to organize? Where will I take it? These were the questions that started every single day of my life. These were the questions I repeated 4,5,6 times a day.

The feeling wasn’t new to me but it came unexpected this morning. I had no doubt that the events of the past few days, the nightmares, and my medicine stopping this week all contributed to the physical pain I felt. But whether my mind contributed to me feeling this bad or not – I was feeling it now and I wanted heroin now.

I got out of bed and went downstairs. Darrell was already there drinking coffee and immediately saw something wasn’t right. I sat next to him shaking, crying, craving. I need to take something now, I told him. If I have to book myself out of this clinic today, I need to take something now.

Darrell took my one hand, putting his other arm around my waist almost hugging me with it. He prayed, asking God to send an Angel to protect me.

“You’ll be okay”
“I hope so”
“Don’t hope, Christiaan. Believe!”

"Day 13 in Rehab"

2009-06-10T18:04:00.000+02:00

Thursday, 22 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 13 in Rehab"
Rehab, 13 April 2008...

My whole approach to this clinic was about to change. I suddenly realized as I sat there in the foyer of the clinic that my first 12 days in Rehab was spent pleasing other people. My mood depended solely on what the group felt – if they were having a good day so was I and when they were having bad days I had them to. I spend so much time making friends and ‘being friendly’ that I haven’t changed anything about myself at all.

To make matters worse we had a family braai in the clinic yesterday. Almost all the people had some family or friends that came to visit except me of course. I felt so alone. Not even that much because my family couldn’t visit but because I didn’t know where to draw the line with my friendships in the clinic anymore. I lost a lot of fight. I thought I had a plan, I thought I was doing great but my bubble burst very quickly. I was clueless. I just wanted to sleep the whole day.

I went to bed very early. There was none of the normal nightly chats, the laughing and the board games. Until I knew how I had to proceed, until I knew where to draw the line I thought it better to keep my distance.

I am not allowed any injections while I’m in the clinic because not only do you crave the drugs but you crave the needle. So, I’ve hardly seen any needles since I’ve been here. Last night I hardly slept but the parts I did sleep I had a lot of nightmares. I dreamt about needles, about drugs… I dreamt about relapsing.

"Day 12 in Rehab"

2009-06-10T18:03:00.000+02:00

Wednesday, 21 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 12 in Rehab"
Rehab, 12 April 2008...

“Julle fokken druggies…”
The words echoed in my head as I went to bed last night. Some drunk Boksburg idiot who obviously belongs in the clinic decided his kick for the night would be to stand outside the gates of the clinic and shout remarks at the top of his lungs. It set the mood for what would be one of the worst days I would have in rehab so far.

It started yesterday already. People were spreading stories about Bernice and Pieter (alleged couple number 1) and about Jodi and Ryan (alleged couple number 2). Like I mentioned yesterday everybody was watching for them to break the rules and since they weren’t breaking them people just started spreading rumours and trying to get them into trouble. They were obviously upset by this.

Some idiot in the clinic decided that he was bored and started hiding things from the clinic. First the black pool ball disappeared, then the DSTV remote and then food and things from the rooms. Management decided to start searching the rooms and closets but found none of the missing stuff. Instead they found money and phone cards on some of the patients – something which we are not suppose to have.

The whole chummy atmosphere of the clinic changed into people suspicious and negative towards each other. Bernice, Pieter, Jodi, Ryan and even Darrell started talking about leaving since the atmosphere was helping nobody get better.

Now, you might be asking what this has to do with me… for that you’ll have to read next time. I can tell you this, I suddenly realized something that left me in a flat spin. I felt hopeless and scared. My whole approach to this clinic would have to change!

"Day 11 in Rehab"

2009-06-10T17:53:00.000+02:00

Tuesday, 20 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 11 in Rehab"
Rehab, 11 April 2008...

I like who I am becoming. I am almost at my halfway mark in the clinic and things are really looking better. I’ve made amazing friends here and we spend every single moment together playing games, talking and laughing.

The group’s emotions is like a rollercoaster, one minute every body is up and the next everybody is down. Bernice and Pieter* are getting along great. In fact so great that everybody already thinks they are a couple. It is as if the whole clinic including all the therapists and nurses are waiting for them to mess up. The same goes for Jodi and Ryan who clearly have something going on aswell.

I play the inevitable 3rd and 5th wheel in the group as the one who seems destined to end up alone again. It shouldn’t bother me that much. After all, we are in the clinic to work on our addiction and not concentrate on relationships. But perhaps I’ve even stumbled upon one of the reasons for my addiction. It is actually quite ironic – using drugs to not be alone and in the process pushing everybody away through your drug taking. Then again, heroin was like a love to me. I was never alone when I had heroin.

Now I don’t have heroin anymore, not as a safety blanket, not as anything. It is now that I realize how fake the ‘drugging buddies’ really were. It is now that I find true friendship with the people in the clinic. It is actually sad, these are the some of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet in your entire life – and all of us are drug addicts and alcoholics. Imagine that!

"Day 10 in Rehab"

2008-05-16T12:00:00.000+02:00

Friday, 16 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 10 in Rehab"

Rehab, 10 April 2008...

I have started to follow a nice routine in a place I now refer to as ‘The Hab’. I have genuine intention to continue with this routine when I get home. One of the things I am doing much more now is eating.

The past few months I haven’t had an appetite at all. Some or other drug killed my appetite or the withdrawals were so bad that I was too nauseous to eat. The result was that I was slowly fading away turning into skin and bone. After a few days here I have my appetite back. In fact, I am eating more than I have in a very long time including breakfast which is something I last ate when I was in school.

I mentioned last time that we are on a medicine program and they are gradually reducing the medicine quantity over a 16 day period. Yesterday morning I stood in the ATM Queue: the ATM by the way is what we call the Medicine Dispensary since the queue is normally longer than at ABSA on month-end and you make medicine ‘withdrawals’. So, I’m standing in the queue and I get my daily dosage. Another nurse walks in, sees me standing there and gives me my dose of medicine again.

I’ve been complaining for days the dose is too little and I’m still having pain so I welcomed the ‘mistake’ but they soon realize they gave me the dose again and I was in trouble for not saying anything. The nurse said I’m not getting anything tomorrow which has me worried. As I left the ATM I thought to myself – once a druggie, always a druggie!

"Dear Heroin"

2008-05-15T12:00:00.000+02:00

Thursday, 15 May 2008
Rehab - "Dear Heroin"

Rehab, 9 April 2008...

I met my therapist for the first time yesterday. She is still young and really sweet and I felt I could really communicate to her. She gave me an assignment to do: I am supposed to write a letter to my addiction to say goodbye to it. After I get out of the clinic I can then do something with the letter as some kind of closure. I finished the letter today and will now share it with you…

*************************************************************

Dear Heroin

I am writing this letter to you but I want you to share it with your buddies rocks, ecstasy, acid, cocaine, cat, pinks, weed and all the others whose names I have already forgotten. I want them all to sit with you while you read this and I finally say goodbye to you.

You’ve become my best friend over the past few years and saying goodbye to you now is not easy. I don’t miss you today and I doubt I’ll miss you tomorrow but I know that I will miss you in the future. We’ve shared secrets that no one will ever know or accept and I thought you were my friend not seeing your deceptiveness.

I miss the comfort you used to give me and the overwhelming confidence to be somebody I thought I needed to be to be accepted. I miss it. I do, but I cannot pay the price. I don’t want to pay the price to get that comfort ever again.

I know you’ll be everywhere when I get out of this place of safety. You’ll be watching for my weak moments to come and you’ll try and deceive me again. I know I’ll be tempted but I want to let you know right now you will waste your time because you will not win this fight. I am taking control of my life!

I guess I should thank you for the life experiences you’ve taught me because you’ve given me the tools to fight harder and be more successful in other areas of my life but I cannot forgive you for the price my family and friends had to pay for those experiences. I cannot forgive you for letting me believe that trying to kill myself was the only option or even the easier one.

I will continue to watch you from a distance while I warn others about your harmful ways. I will continue to fight the battle my friends lost in death and even though I know this to be a life long process I will be victorious in my death – only it will be on my terms and my own time.

So, heroin and all the other friends that have come and gone I say goodbye in perhaps the best way I know how – these words. I can try and use every word in the dictionary and you’ll never know how much you’ve really hurt me and kept me from really being myself and true to those I love.

Goodbye and good luck with your future but know I will not be part of it and neither will be those that cross my path.

Sincerely yours,
Your ex-love
CHRISTIAAN

"Day 8 in Rehab"

2008-05-14T12:00:00.001+02:00

Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 8 in Rehab"

Rehab, 8 April 2008...

I open my eyes this morning and get handed yet another cup for a urine test. They say these urine tests are random. If only my lotto winnings were this random!

I think the sexual tension is really getting to the people in the clinic. Strange and funny things are happening all over and I’ll only elaborate on some of them... Darrell’s girlfriend came to visit him the weekend and he was very upset that there was no ‘facilities’ for couples to… uhm… reconnect! He suggested to the Matron they consider creating a ‘couples room’ and the Matron just laughed at the idea.

Lynette left this morning. I only got to spend 2 days with her but I’d like to think we became good friends in that time. In a place where you spend so much time together and share so much similar lives I guess it can happen very quickly. After she left Michael spend a huge portion of the day talking to me and was amazed at how down to earth he is.

Ryan* came out of Sedation yesterday and hung underneath the rather since then. It was only today that his personality came out a bit more and we could get to know him. I wouldn’t mind getting to know him better. He had such a contagious smile – like I just wanted to make him laugh to check it the whole day. Oh boy… I think the sexual tension got to me as well.

Unfortunately for Ashok the tension apparently got too much. As I understand it he lured Nila* up the stairs to a secluded corner and kissed her. How this news got to the nurses and management I have no idea but the end result was Ashok getting his final warning and being asked to leave the clinic.

And so ended the 8 day stay of the reluctant druggie called Ashok who started off with a rocky start and literally kissed his rehab stay goodbye.

"Day 7 in Rehab"

2008-05-13T12:00:00.000+02:00

Tuesday, 13 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 7 in Rehab"

Rehab, 7 April 2008...

Nurse Marlene* is probably the nicest nurse on staff. She works night shift most of the times and this morning she is the one bringing us our medication. She makes her way from bed to bed waking each of us up almost like your mother would do. This in contrast to the other nurses that seem to explode into the rooms and giving you a fright only your alarm clock could duplicate. Nurse Marlene hands me a cup for a urine sample… oi, did I smoke weed again last night?

I hand the nurses my urine sample and don’t hear anything from them again so I figure they got their negative. I don’t care how many times they test me. I am one week clean today and I don’t think anything can break my spirit.

Darrell (friend, codeine patient that booked in the same day as me), Matt (friend, heroin patient that booked in same day as me) and I are on a medicine program to come off our addictions. The program lasts 16 days and they gradually reduce our medicine until the 16 days are over. The thing is all three of us are getting the same dosage even though our drugs of choice, methods we used and amounts we used were very different. The result is Darrell and Matt fast asleep during the day and me still sitting with pain and cramps.

We are allowed a weekend out before we go home. Lynette* went home for the weekend and came back yesterday. She and Michael (‘the sexy guy’ in the group) have really gotten along and are quite close. She soon finds out how I feel about Michael and we both tease him about it a bit. In fact, even the Matron said something which I find may be directed at me joking with Michael. She said no patients were allowed to share beds and then everybody looked at me! Damn!

It has been a wonderful day, full of classes and chats with my new friends. I have this burning desire to start the day tomorrow and next week and the rest of my drug free life!

"R for Results!"

2008-05-09T12:00:00.000+02:00

Friday, 9 May 2008
Current Recovery - "R for Results!"

I would like to thank you for sharing the first few days of my rehab experience with me. I get amazing comfort in sharing these stories because they all helped me in getting clean and even today they contribute to me staying clean. My name is Christiaan and today I am 39 days clean.

It sounds almost impossible but I haven’t felt like using drugs one single time. I don’t want to elaborate much until I tell you how I got here but I can promise you I haven’t felt like this in my whole life. I can’t imagine exchanging this feeling for any drug or drink.

I went to my first AA and NA meetings in Polokwane and it was really wonderful. I would recommend it to anybody and even now I see people suffering around me who don’t take this very important step in their life.

I have a much better relationship with God and even that is improving with each day that passes. I couldn’t ask for better results. It all feels like a dream at the moment – like I’ll wake up at any moment and find myself still suffering in Rehab. The most important thing is the comfort and relaxation I see in my parents’ eyes. I don’t think I’ve seen that in a decade.

You’ll understand that, especially now, I cannot blog every day as I would have liked to. There is still a lot of aftercare that I have to do and my life is far from being on track. Still I will continue the Rehab updates and the current recovery updates as often as I can. I am entering a new part of my life and can’t wait to share every detail with you. I hope you’ll all check back while we finally experience my heroin recovery…

"Day 6 in Rehab"

2008-05-08T12:00:00.000+02:00

Thursday, 8 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 6 in Rehab"

Rehab, 6 April 2008...

It is somewhere around six. I don’t have a watch but I know it is still early. The nurse brings me my pain medication and hands me a cup for a urine test. I know random tests are normal and so is getting tested after 6 days so I don’t even give it another thought.

The nurse brings me new bedding and tell me I’m moving into ‘The Penthouse’. They call it the Penthouse because it is the biggest room and furthest away from the nurses office. This is normally the last room you move to after a few weeks but I seemed to skip a few steps. I started packing my stuff and one of my room mates whispered something in my ear…

Apparently, somebody told the nurses that Matt (heroin patient that booked in same day as me) and I smoked weed in the bathrooms. I started laughing, anybody that knew me would know I don’t waste my time with weed, but then again people here didn’t know me yet. Suddenly the urine tests this morning didn’t seem so random.

Both Matt and I were tested the morning and of course it came out negative. Matt was determined to find out who were spreading the rumours and Darrell (codeine patient that booked in the same day as me), KC* (funniest boertjie you could ever meet), Matt and I waited in his room while he showered. When he came walking into his room and saw all of us he nearly sh#t himself. He was only there for a few days and already he made more enemies than friends. He had this cocky attitude about him that seem to scream that he didn’t want to be there and people like that just made life difficult for the rest of us.

Of course, his story was that he heard it somewhere else and that someone disappeared over night. It didn’t really matter. We knew and proved the truth – still it gives you a bad aftertaste and it was clear this would only be the beginning of our trouble with him.

"Day 5 in Rehab"

2008-05-06T12:00:00.000+02:00

Tuesday, 6 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 5 in Rehab"

Rehab, 5 April 2008...

It is Saturday and no activities or lectures were planned for the day. Instead we get a chance to get to know the other alchies and druggies a bit better.

Yesterday, 9 people completed their treatment and left the centre. I only briefly met all of them and found that I actually went to school with one of them. Half of the group that left was girls and 3 of the guys were gay.

At first I thought I had terrible luck being the only gay guy left behind in the clinic but figured I could use it to my advantage. Every crowd needs the gay guy anyway, just as every crowd has the bitchy one and most definitely the sexy one. In my opinion Michael* was the sexy one. At first I thought he would be one of those people whose looks ruined their personalities but after sitting down and talking to him a bit I realized just how down to earth he is.

After the group left yesterday, Bernice* and Jodi* were the only two girls left. Jodi is also in the clinic for spiking heroin and I felt closeness to her from the start. Bernice has a beautiful 18 year old son and you would never guess her age just by looking at her. Then again, speaking to her you realize she has a lot of wisdom that came through years of hurt and pain.

I spent most of the day getting to know my new friends, especially Darrell (codeine) and Matt (heroin) whom I came in with. There is a level of understanding amongst us all. Our stories are different, the drugs we took and the ways we got them may vary slightly but in the end we can all relate to each other.

Later the day we have the weekly braai and everybody’s families come to visit. It has only been 5 days and already it feels like a lifetime that I’ve been away from my family. The guild of my actions hovers over me and I know that there are an infinite amount of problems and relationships to sort out when I go back. My parents can’t come and visit me now but I think I like it that way. This way they’ll only see me after 25 days and hopefully the change will then be crystal clear.

I think if they were in my head right now they’d probably already see the vast difference.

"Day 4 in Rehab"

2008-05-04T12:00:00.001+02:00

Sunday, 4 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 4 in Rehab"

Rehab, 4 April 2008...

The clock just struck 06:00 and I’ve already walked into two different walls… or was that… four. Our three days of sedated shuttling has come to an end and we get to move upstairs. I take my things up with me but I’m still so disorientated from the medicine that I keep bumping into stuff.

Ashok (Indian Druggie) is also moving upstairs, but luckily not into the same room as me. He seems unaffected by the three days in detox. It is a pity, really. It is just obvious that some people are not here to get better; then again that was almost me! His religion has their church on Fridays and he tries to get out of the gates to go to church. Of course, with his dealer around the corner I hardly think he planned church as his only stop. Luckily his request is denied.

According to the rules of the clinic drug talk isn’t allowed just as we aren’t allowed to listen to certain radio stations or music channels – they make us crave. I was standing in the tuck-shop queue today with Matt* when I realized I wasn’t the only one affected by Ashok’s drug talk.

Matt* is also in the clinic for heroin. He came in on the same day as me and we shared a room with Ashok. I know we did talk over the past few days but the medicine has me so disorientated that I don’t recall much of it. While talking to him today I realize that my moving out of the room left him at the mercy of Ashok’s Insomniac Mouth.

Since Ashok didn’t stop when we politely asked him, we decided to report the matter. He got called into the office and given a warning. Astonishingly, it appeared as if his attitude changed after he got the warning. He stopped the drug talk and for the first time it actually looked as if he wanted to get help. I would have liked to do it differently, but I guess the ending justified the means!

"Day 3 in Rehab"

2008-05-03T12:00:00.000+02:00

Saturday, 3 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 3 in Rehab"

Rehab, 3 April 2008...

The third day is always a bit better. However slight it might me, there is always a minor relief from the agonising pain of the day before. When I opened my eyes this morning I knew immidiately things were going to be better today. I was going to make sure of it.

Ashok (Indian Druggie) is out of his bed when I wake up but he soon returns and starts yet another drug conversation with me. I decide that if I have any chance of staying this positive I have to get away from him and his constant drug talk. I arrange to move to the room next door and immediately feel at home there. I am greeted by Darrell* with one of those welcoming smiles that would make any stranger feel totally at home. I met him the day before but I wasn’t really talkative then. I only had one thing on my mind. If I could break into the Medicine room and clear out the Schedule 5-7 cabinet – I would have done it.

That was yesterday. Today, Darrell and I are talking. As I get to know him I realize how similar our stories are, as if we both traveled the road to hell and could draw you a map to get there. I don’t believe in co-incidence. I believe everything happens for a reason, sometimes you see the reason, and other times you miss it completely. I wasn’t sure yet what the events of the past few days meant or why I was in this room today. All I knew was for the first time since I was here I had hope. Not even hope that I could beat it, I think there was way too much work still for that, but hope that I actually wanted to beat it!

"Day 2 in Rehab"

2008-05-02T12:00:00.000+02:00

Friday, 2 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 2 in Rehab"

Rehab, 2 April 2008...

It is pitch dark outside. The nurses crash through the door and wake us up to take our morning smarties. I’m dead tired. I got a panic attack last night. I’m not sure what made it worse – the withdrawals or the thought of never taking anything again. I got some medicine that helped but the rest of the night passed with great difficulty. I take the pills from the nurse and swallow them without taking a look. I close my eyes and drift into sleep again.

It is much later in the day when I get woken up for lunch. My room mate Ashok* (meaning ‘without sorrow’) is a young Indian guy. Every time my eyes open he starts talking about his drug taking, where he took and how much he took. He has a dealer around the corner, he says, 5 minutes and we have it. My craving mind entertains the thought for a while and I turn over waiting for him to fall asleep.

Ashok turns out to be an insomniac so I spend hours listening to him go on and on. I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling and one plan after the other spins through my mind. I have no money on me but a druggie always makes a plan. The scary thing is in the streets of Johannesburg where will I draw the line at getting money!

I’ve drawn the line so far on the wrong side that I don’t know how to get my way back. Heroin has its clutches so deep through every cell in my body that it is clinging for dear life at the moment. Just another day I keep whispering to myself… just make it through another day!

"Day 1 in Rehab"

2008-05-01T12:00:00.000+02:00

Thursday, 1 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 1 in Rehab"

Rehab, 1 April 2008...

I finally have a date. In over 8 months of continues drug use and 10 years of relapsing time and time again, I finally have a date to look back on as the day I stopped using drugs. It is the 1st of April, April Fools too many, but I know my life is no joke anymore, it hasn’t been a joke for a very long time - it is deadly serious. So, serious that I find myself standing at the doors of a Rehab Clinic as one of the only unexhausted options.

It is my first time here and I feel like Alice in Wonderland stumbling down the rabbit hole as if I am on a bad acid trip. I must be! Surely it can’t be that I’ve thrown a decade of my life away. It can’t be my thin dead reflection staring back at me when I look in the mirror. It can’t be that I’ve lied, betrayed and stolen just to keep poison flowing through my veins, could it?

My white body is only skin and bone drifting around aimlessly, like a ghost almost. My whole personality sucked out and replaced by… nothing… a void really. A void that took only a few hours to surface in my life again and most believe 4 months would not even cure, let alone 4 weeks.

This morning I didn’t care to ever take drugs again but now I want to kick myself for not smuggling something in. They search my bags, clothes, I even have to strip down to my underwear and take that off. Perhaps it is best I didn’t try to bring something in, where would I have hid it?

I start looking at the windows, the doors, anything that will help me get out of here. I have to do this but I don’t know if I can! I have to part with my drugs but I don’t know if I want to! I’m taken to detox and get a handful of pills and pop them in my mouth without taking a look at any of them. I don’t want to know what they are giving me. I don’t want to know how I’ll get through tomorrow or through the next 4 weeks. I just want to close my eyes and get through the night!

"Back to reality"

2008-04-29T12:00:00.000+02:00

Tuesday, 29 April 2008
Current Recovery - "Back to reality"

I made it through another day. I made it through my first weekend back in the real world. I feared thoughts of taking again would consume me – but it didn’t. In fact, not once did I even entertain the idea of getting or taking any kind of alcohol or drugs. I don’t ever want to be the slave of drugs or alcohol again. In fact, no drug could replace this good mood I am currently in – not all the heroin in the world!

I completed my treatment on Friday and spent this long weekend with my family. There was calmness in the house that hasn’t been there in a very long time! They could all see what I am bursting to tell the world – that I came back a changed person! It is one of those 180 degree changes that you hear about or see in movies and if you are lucky get to experience in your lifetime.

Don’t get me wrong, the clinic wasn’t a holiday, not at all. I had my share of ups and downs but they all contributed to the person writing these words today. I’ll be sharing my rehab days with you in the next month because I believe them to be crucial in understanding how I got here. Equally important they might have some profound meaning to even just one person out there.

Of course I’ll keep you updated on how the current days are going as well. They are important because they lie a mystery to me at the moment. I don’t know their outcome as I know the outcome of the rehab days I’m about to share with you. One certainty is that they will contain the same ups and downs I have been trying to hide from with drugs. They will contain the same temptations and triggers that have haunted me for 10 years.

The difference will be in the way I approach them!

"Prologue (Part 2)"

2008-04-28T12:01:00.001+02:00

Monday, 28 April 2008
Current Recovery - "Prologue (Part 2)"

Continues from Part 1...

I knew for a while I took a hectic detour on the road I wanted to travel in my life. I’ve been drifting aimlessly wasting my talents, my money and my life for 10 years. While busy with my 28 days I realized something vitally important that possibly helped change my life. I never took a detour! All my life has been lived to get me to this point, this day! It seems unsettling thinking that you spent 10 years figuring out the purpose of your life, but then again some die at 60 never have found theirs.

This blog started a while ago and the days kept counting. I was proud to be clean from my drug of choice but made possibly the biggest mistake in recovery and substituted heavily with drinking and other drugs. Today, for the first time I am clean and sober for 28 straight days! I have a better relationship with my family and friends now and I know it is only the beginning. I have a better relationship with God than I have had in 27 years and amazingly I know this is also only the beginning.

I could go on for hours and still you won’t realize just how much the past 28 days impacted on my life. I ask myself if one person could possibly change in just under a month, but reminded that it took a decade to get me here. Regardless, I am glad to be here! And yes, my religion and the positive and determined outlook I have today might be clouded by pain, cravings, negativity and tears tomorrow. However, today I can proudly tell you about ‘My Heroin Recovery’, today I am positive, strong and eternally happy. Today I am clean and sober!

"Prologue (Part 1)"

2008-04-28T12:00:00.001+02:00

Monday, 28 April 2008
Current Recovery - "Prologue (Part 1)"

My name is Christiaan. I am a recovering addict.
My drug of choice is obvious through the title on this blog but it wasn’t always my first choice. In fact, thinking back now, it very possibly started with a few drinks almost 10 years ago. I climbed the ladder of addiction through every imaginable substance very quickly and soon my inability to stop became clear to me and those around me. I even lost my fair share and more of money when it came to gambling.

When we took the trip to rehab 28 days ago there was a part of me that wanted to recover. It was that part that delayed the suicide attempts, it was that part that kept most of my parent’s possessions in their house when I was desperate for money, it was that part that cried for my mistakes the brief moments I had any feelings. It was the only good part of me left!

No matter how I tried the other parts of me seemed to always win. Even my first two days in Rehab was spent checking which windows had bars and which doors would be easy to escape through. I was desperately clinging to the comfort that was now killing me and it wasn’t doing it subtle anymore. Every time I tried to stop, my addiction won in the end, every time I tried to find God I found another drug to worship. Every time I lost the fight, until now…

Part 2 continues later today...

28 days...

2008-03-31T12:00:00.000+02:00

This is my last post for a while. I am off to rehab in a few hours. I was slightly scared and nervous the past few days leading up to it but there is a kind of calmness inside of me now. I am not sure how I will feel once I am there or when the realization kicks in that I can never take drugs again!

I will be keeping a diary every day while I am there and promise to share my experiences when I am back. I want to thank everybody that has supported me and keeps on supporting me!

See you all in a month!
Christiaan / TristanB

"Until I die (Part 3)"

2008-03-18T12:00:00.000+02:00

Tuesday, 18 March 2008
Current Recovery - "Until I die (Part 3)"

Continues from Part 2…

Nothing changed… at least that is the way it seemed!

In reality a lot changed. The person that my friends and family knew, loved, trusted and enjoyed slowly disappeared as each day progressed. My heroin use escalated day by day at an astonishing rate. Another person was living my life – this drug addict. One of those stereo type addicts that you see on TV that steal and lie. One of those aggressive people that find themselves going to extraordinary lengths to get their precious drugs. I was that person now!

Three months passed since that night. I spend thousands and thousands of rands, or I should say maneuvered it on my credit cards. Credit Cards which I cannot pay now, credit cards I couldn’t pay even then. Every day turned into a fight with somebody, somewhere about the same old issues or occasionally about a whole set of new ones.

While I was working one Saturday my behavior led to yet another fight with a co-worker. I got a phone call from home and it was obvious that once I got home the same fate waited for me there. I stood next to the road thinking and all I could think about was how I didn’t want to go home!

So I started walking…

Part 4 continues…

Men vs Woman in Bathrooms

2008-03-14T12:00:00.000+02:00

After a discussion I had this morning with a group of people I decided to pose these questions to blogworld:

Apparantly there was a discussion yesterday on Jacaranda 94.2 regarding what men and woman talk about in their different gym bathrooms. I find it quite interesting how the two genders react differently in these environments. What do you all do in there?

Another question I am just burning to ask is what people think when two men accompany each other to the bathroom in the same way that woman so naturally do?

And finally do women out there bath or shower together? And dare I ask… if so, do men do it aswell?

"Until I die (Part 2)"

2008-03-13T12:00:00.000+02:00

Thursday, 13 March 2008
Current Recovery - "Until I die (Part 2)"

Continues from Part 1…

It was finally happening. After so many times of thinking it I was killing myself.

Something hit me, like Fred Flinstone clobbering me with a piece of wood, if I do this now… who was going to find me? My brother was in the next room, my parents were away, nobody else was there. If I continue this, my brother, whose life had been disrupted by this so much already, was going to find me. How could I even dare also doing this to him?

Fred hit some sense into me. I suddenly remembered why I haven’t slit my wrists yet, why I haven’t drank a bottle of pills, ran in front of a car or just pulled a gun and shot myself – I was too afraid to die. I didn’t want to die. Even when, quite ironically, I was slowly killing myself with heroin, I didn’t want to die. Not now! Not this way!

There is no sure way to get yourself out of that situation. I was on the verge of overdosing but I had a few tricks up my sleeve to at least get my heart rate up again. I am not one that usually remembers my dreams but I know I had a dream about getting heroin that night. I knew, even in that state of sleep, that my first action the next morning would be to score heroin again!

Nothing changed… at least that is the way it seemed!

Part 3 continues...

"Until I die (Part 1)"

2008-03-12T12:00:00.001+02:00

Wednesday, 12 March 2008
Current Recovery - "Until I die (Part 1)"

I only have a few days left before I have to go to Rehab and I’ll give you more detail as we get closer. I struggled with this next post for a while. I wanted to post it because I felt it crucial in a story on my recovery, but I didn’t want to be accused of seeking sympathy or attention by revealing it. So after long thought I decided that nobody’s opinion of me will sensor what I write on this blog. My strength in my recovery came from the honesty I showed by telling my story and lying or keeping things now would not lead to a recovery!

Over the past few months’ people have on more than one occasion told me that I must just inject myself until I die. Some even went as far as to say that they hope it kills me and even though it might sound morbid some are waiting for the day that it does! Of course, most of this is said and done in anger, but angry is how I’ve left most of the people that know me. Whether they mean it or not the fact is some are thinking what a world would be like, where I just disappear with this problem of mine. It never really bothered me that much, it never really hit home until I actually tried to do it…

Inject myself until I die, they say. It is not difficult to do. As long as the money holds there was nothing stopping me. I started injecting myself one shot after the other. It only took a few seconds for each one of the shots to spread through my body. I reached the point where, if the money allowed it, I took 10-12 shots a day. So, it took a while for me to reach that nauxious feeling. It was a familiar feeling building up in my throat and stomach. I overdosed before and I knew I was close again, this time willingly!

Inject myself until I die. My body was telling me something was wrong. There were warnings throughout my body but I wasn’t going to react to them like I have done many times before. I was going to do it. I was going to give them what they wanted, give them what they asked for every time they spoke to me, give them what they needed to move on with their lives!

Shot after shot entered my arm and it started to look like a Swiss cheese from all the holes I was making. I didn’t need to hide them away, not this time! I didn’t need to worry how it would look tomorrow. There wasn’t going to be a tomorrow. My body started to go numb and my breathing and heart rate slowed down almost completely. It was finally happening!

Part 2 continues...

Just in case back...

2008-03-01T12:00:00.000+02:00

This is for ‘This is me’ and to anybody else wondering where I am or for that matter not caring any more:

You don't ever need to explain because I understand better than you think! I won’t try and explain because lets face it what comes out of my mouth at the moment means little to nothing. This is a war and often I’m not fighting the battle as I should, I know. I try and rationalize this all that to myself but I find it difficult for a brain that should know better. One thing you can never be accused of was not trying, infact you should be honoured for how long you did try.

Anyway, I thought I’d reply to let you know I am still reading and for what it is worth I am still alive. I find myself hovering between caring if I live or die and actually doing something to live a normal life again and I regret most of all my family and friends suffering while I do so.

You deserve some sanity again and I hope that one day the real friend you remember can enjoy it with you!

So True!

2008-02-22T12:00:00.000+02:00

Future plans...

2008-02-11T12:01:00.000+02:00

Hey everybody
Just a quick note to say that I have a very important meeting this morning to discuss the future plans of my recovery. I should know today exactly how this will impact my job in the next few months and how, when and where I'll be in a clinic.

I am slightly nervous about it all but confident that it is steps in the right direction.

'till later
Christiaan

"Facing religion"

2008-02-11T12:00:00.001+02:00

Monday, 11 February 2008
Current Recovery - "Facing religion"

I have decided that 2008 is the year that I finally decide who I am, what I am and where I’m heading with my life. Of course, the first item in my life that drastically needs to change is my addiction. There is no doubt that I have an addictive personality that has seen me develop unhealthy habits towards everything from sex to gambling to drugs. In the past I have managed to kick some of these habits only to start something else a few months or years afterwards. Normally these new habits are then much more dangerous and damaging than the original. So I am on a real mission this year to get behind whatever problems there might be in my life and sort them out.

One of the biggest problems in my life that seem to pop up everytime anybody talks to me about anything is religion. I have never discussed religion on my blog, for good reason. It is by far the biggest instigator of heated debates and my experiences have taught me that whatever the point of view, people are very reluctant to listen to another.

As I mentioned yesterday the directors at the office have decided to try and help me with my addiction. I cannot go into any detail as yet but one of the conditions has to do with my religion. So the question came up where and when my religious life took a bad turn. I thought I’d share it with you to maybe get the point of view of different people out there.

In my final year of Sunday school I sat talking to our pastor and I asked a question that had been bugging me for ages. I could already feel my reluctance to everything being taught around me and I needed to get some answers to calm my enquiring mind. “What makes you or me, as Christians, so sure that we are the right religion and that all the other religions are wrong? We are taught that this or that religion is wrong and the people belonging to that faith may not end up in heaven. What makes us so sure that we aren’t the wrong one? Surely the people in those religions have as much faith and believe just as much in their bible or their god as we do. And finally how can we base our religion and quote phrases from and judge or praise people based on a book written by people and edited and changed by people. Surely those other religions also have a book similar to the bible on which they may be basing their faith. What makes our bible correct and theirs not?”

It is a mouth full, I know. I am not trying to be negative or sound like an atheist or something. I am merely asking the question I asked that day. The answer I got was terrible and I’ll share it with you in another post. I have posted this entry because my faith and religion at this point is as much part of my heroin recovery as actually stopping heroin. Those that feel they can say something which can shed some light on the questions I asked are welcome to comment. I am an open minded person and will listen to the point of view. I will however not engage in any religious debates, as it is not the point of this post.

"The faces of heroin"

2008-01-21T00:00:00.000+02:00

Monday, 21 January 2008
Current Recovery - "The faces of heroin"

I’ve been staring at the mirror for what feels like hours, maybe a few days. I don’t think I will know the difference anymore. Time has changed for me: It is either an extreme, agitated rush where every single person seems to taunt me with their lingering movement or I am the guilty that seem to unhurriedly hover around dead to the world, to my family and to myself.

I try and remember what my face looked like 3 years ago, which lines, wrinkles or spots were there a week ago or yesterday and which only appeared today. I try and find that look in my eyes, that optimistic look that used to shine through in everything I did. All I see now is dead pinned eyes.

I stopped at the dealer a while back and just as I was driving off another woman stopped her car to also get heroin. I got the impression she was a young woman but her face looked 10 times older. I had no idea how long she had been taking heroin but every single hit seemed to be engraved on her face. I was looking at my future – if I even lived that long!

There are a lot of signs around me at the moment showing me that I need to change my life. I see them and most of the time there is genuine intention to do whatever it will take to get my life back. I will tell you this: I am scared, scared of every action, scared of each re-action and consequence, scared of the withdrawal pain and the leg pain that will follow for months afterwards, scared of the depression and rollercoaster emotions, scared of the emptiness, the longing and the craving. Thinking about any of this just makes me crave heroin again… a vicious cycle indeed!

“Getting started!”

2008-01-14T00:00:00.000+02:00

Monday, 14 January 2007
Current Recovery – “Getting started!”

I find it slightly difficult to start writing this post today. In fact I’ve spent the past few days writing single sentences that leads nowhere and ends up being deleted. I have a lot to say, seeing as a number of things happened since I last blogged, but my mind feels like a badly translated Japanese movie at the moment. Here we go… my first diary post of 2008…

I never thought I’d ever hit rock bottom. No matter how bad things were I had hope that I could beat it. I never knew where that hope came from, now I don’t have much of it left! To make things worse I lost a lot more than just hope: I lost the respect, trust and perhaps a bit of love from my parents. I lost my best friend who decided to break away because I can’t break away from this drug cycle. And as all the truths make their way to the surface it is inevitable that I will loose a lot more.

I’ve had a lot of time to think the past few weeks about where I am in my life at the moment and more importantly where I’m headed. I am turning 28 this year and the only thing I have accumulated in my lifespan is worry, regret and lots of debt. I thought that I would have enough motivation to get and stay clean with the support of my family, friends and job but instead of proving to myself and those around me that I could do it, I took drugs, lots and lots and LOTS of drugs.

It doesn’t take a genius to see that I have a big problem… one that will not go away! My intention is not to make one depressing post after the other this year, in fact I believe that positive thought goes a long way in beating this disease. However, just like last year and the year before I will be telling the story of my heroin recovery as honestly as I know how. Some things will come easy and others, like the posts to follow the next few days, will seem to take forever to finish.

Regardless of how long the posts take I hope that I will find them as therapeutic as I did in the past. I hope that you will learn and understand things about addiction you never knew before and that it will help you understand your friends and family with the same problem better. Above all I hope to look back at each post I make from now on with disbelieve at the progress I made with each passing day. If I could make one resolution for 2008, that would be it.

For now all that is left to say is “Sayonara”… (Japannese… get it?)

Day 394 – “Take a deep breath”

2007-12-23T00:00:00.000+02:00

Current Recovery (Sunday, 23 December 2007)
Day 394 – “Take a deep breath”

It is actually amusing if you think about it. I’m in my late 20’s and for my entire life I’ve been under my parents’ roof. They cared for me, cooked for me, cleaned and ironed for me. They gave me what I needed and even sometimes what I didn’t need. Even when the idiotic things I did got me in trouble with the law more than once my parents were still there to bail me out and help me through it. It is safe to say that most of my life has been smooth sailing with endless help from my parents… that is of course, until now!

I got this news a while back but first had to make sure it wasn’t just talk and had to inform my friends and family before I posted it here on the blog. I am being transferred to another part of the company. It is a chance of a lifetime really, one I won’t easily get again. The line of work is right up my alley and it is a brilliant opportunity to show what I’m capable off. The catch is it is almost 400 km’s from where I am staying now! That is 400 km’s from everything I know, love and have grown comfortable with.

The important thing however is not so much the distance as the fact that I will be staying on my own! For the first time in my life I will be out from underneath my parent’s roof. No longer under their guidance or their supervision. Some would say it is about time and I guess I would have to agree that not only do I need to experience life on my own with more responsibility but I need to give my parent’s some of their life back. On the other hand it is painfully obvious that I am not an average 27 year old and staying on my own brings obstacles to my life that most can not even imagine.

One thing is for sure, this can be the greatest thing to ever happen in my life. This is a perfect opportunity to find out who and what I am and where I am going with my life. It is also a recipe for complete disaster and if managed incorrectly will lead to my downfall in many ways. The next few months will make out a critical part of how the rest of my life will go and I know that many people will spend their days holding their breath watching how I handle it.

Come to think of it… it is not so amusing after all!

Sizzling Shower Saturday

2007-12-22T00:00:00.000+02:00

For those of you that don’t know yet (and for some reason care) I have a fetish for shower pictures – or more specificly men in showers (perhaps now I have a bit more of your attention). There is just something about the water running down the exquisitely perfect bodies that is just so inviting, so yummy! Take Mr. Slippery on the photo below, those eyes are just screaming for another hand to help him… wash!

So from now on Saturdays are dedicated to those pictures so hot they need a shower to cool them down. Or men so dirty (and by that I mean actual dirt… think firemen or rugby players) they need an extra long shower to get them clean and if we are really lucky an extra pair of hands to get to all those hard to reach places!

Tomorrow we’ll get back to some actual writing. For tonight just enjoy the view!

Day 392 – “Whooo… that feels good!”

2007-12-21T00:00:00.000+02:00

Current Recovery (Friday, 21 December 2007)
Day 392 – “Whooo… that feels good!”

Somebody left this comment on one of my blog entries. I decided to post it after one of my friends pretty much said the same things to me today. Seems that most communication my way is now done in screaming and while I hope anybody don’t think screaming is going to make a positive difference, I guess I have to respect that they have to get rid of their anger in some way.

Most people in my life feel like this I guess… some have gotten around to tell me, others just haven’t had the chance yet. After the things I have recently done I can’t argue with it any of it. I can’t even ask for forgiveness or say I feel helpless because I’ll just be accused of trying to get sympathy.

I wanted to sensor the swear words below but it would have pissed me off if half the paragraph was blacked out. Here is what Amanda said after my blog post “The Last Road”

“This is fucking stupid. this whole thing, this whole fuckiness of a life that people call a fucking life is stupid and pointless ‘cuz it all sucks, and it’s just gonna keep on sucking and there's only sometimes happy moments in between. You know what junkies do? They ruin their fuckin’ lives and then they proceed to fuck everyone elses up too. They make people cry over every fucking little thing, and hate themselves for not being enough and want to die. That’s what the fuck they do. They don't care about them FUCKING selves, they don't care about their families, they don't care about their fucking 11 year old daughters 3000 fucking miles away getting poked in the butt by some dude. they don't fucking care, because wooooo that feels good. fuck ‘em all.”

Day 372 – “Avoiding this entry”

2007-12-01T00:00:00.000+02:00

Current Recovery (Saturday, 1 December 2007)
Day 372 – “Avoiding this entry”

It is 1 December 2007 - International Aids Day. I’ve spent most of this day really unaware of the significance of what today is really about to millions of people around the world. I have been tested for AIDS before, but not since I started taking heroin. I haven’t had the courage to go yet. I honestly don’t foresee a problem, since I never really shared needles or had unprotected sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Even so, there is always a possibility and I know I should stop avoiding the problem and face it.

My whole life has been like that: avoiding the problem, avoiding talking or sometimes fighting about the problem, even fixing the problem was sometimes avoided. I guess, some part of me thinks if I avoid it long enough it will just go away. I have found out the hard way that is not the case. The problem never goes away. It always stays there and at the most inopportune time it will pop up again. No problem… I can just avoid it again, right!

Much of my heroin experience I have avoided the real issues. I mean, sometimes I mentioned some of them here but do I really change any of them? Only I know the emotions and feelings, the secrets that don’t even make it to these pages. Only I know the truth behind every decision and every consequence. Only I know… and I know it has to change, something has to change!

It is a bit early to make resolutions for the New Year, but I’m giving myself an extra month to do it. I know if I try and sort out the problems in my life instead of running away from them many other things will fall into place. I guess the 1st of December is about making more of the time we have on this earth and looking after ourselves to make sure we have enough time to complete what we have to do here. Perhaps I see the significance of it afterall.

Day 370 – “The last road”

2007-11-29T00:00:00.000+02:00

Current Recovery (Thursday, 29 November 2007)
Day 370 – “The last road”

I have always seen it as a last resort. When all other avenues have been exhausted… then… and only then do we venture on this forbidden road. I mean, addicts go to Rehabs right. Oh ye… now I remember. I am one!

I have had to make peace with the fact that most alternate roads have already been traveled. In fact I left those roads in an awful state with vandalized road signs, fainting paint and huge pot holes. Rehab is one of the last remaining ones.

So, obviously I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. If I am honest with myself I have to admit that I need professional help in some way or form. Even with my remarkable recovery the first time around, I spent my fair share in depressing depths. I always figured I would see somebody professional when I’m back on my feet financially. Unfortunately this latest drug binge left me in a very bad way with many financial institutions and I don’t see that happening soon.

Even before my heroin addiction I have always made it a point never to just miss work for any reason. I rarely take holidays and I rarely stay home sick. Even with my recovery last time I didn’t miss one day of work to stay at home and recover. I had a heroin addict friend who constantly took off from work always with some kind of excuse, usually he was at home withdrawing from heroin. In the end he quit his job and went to rehab. Unfortunately he came back only to start the habit again and he hasn’t been able to keep a job since.

I have seriously considered rehab or something similar but I feel very strong about this one thing. I can’t just quit my job. My job is very important to me and it is one of the few things keeping me from totally losing my mind. There is also a new project starting in 2008 which I might be in charge off – so things are looking up in that area. And to be totally honest there is no guarantee any attempt at rehab would even work.

I have already made up my mind regarding the issue and will share it with you in due time. In the mean time however, I would love to hear your views about this if you consider what I mentioned about my job. It is always nice to get an opinion of what ‘the public’ thinks and since I regard many of you as close friends it makes your opinion all the more important.

Coming Up during the week!

2007-11-27T00:01:00.000+02:00

The posts that follows during the week touches on HIV, Rehab and a look into my drug past with LSD/Acid. Remember to send your questions to be answered on the blog via e-mail (tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za). The questions can be about my heroin addiction specificly or just general stuff you might have been wondering about.

Hope to hear from you all.
Christiaan (aka Tristan)

Day 368 – “Chasing the dragon”

2007-11-27T00:00:00.000+02:00

Current Recovery (Tuesday, 27 November 2007)
Day 368 – “Chasing the dragon”

I am currently reading a book by Steve Hamilton called ‘I want my life back’. It is the second time I am reading it and it truly is a scary and inspirational story about drug addiction in general but specifically the viciousness of heroin addiction and recovery. The sad thing is I read this book the first time BEFORE I started injecting heroin. I was only smoking it at that time. Even my best friend at the time was living a life which mirrored much of what happened to Steve and none of that raised warning flags to me. I still injected it for some reason thinking it won’t happen to me. I think a lot of heroin addiction stories starts of like that.

My blog sites on 24.com, BlogSpot and Facebook all look a bit different from this week. In addition to the physical appearance I have decided to start including more stories of my past drug experiences – after all, those experiences created the person I am today. I originally thought of keeping them all for the book (the one I am still supposed to right about my recovery). Recent events however proved to me that my life story and my story about recovery is very far from finished and when I start writing the book there will be more than enough experiences to include in there…

For the moment I will just keep to my blog entries. Due to my busy work on the road the blog posts are often a bit late. I apologize for that. My office is closing in 2 weeks for the Christmas Holidays. I’ll be on standby and helping out at my old job. So, I’m sure things will run more smoothly then.

Lastly, something new again on the blog is ‘Q&A’. I have recently been bombarded with questions and felt maybe a lot of other people are wondering about the same things. So, please feel free to ask your questions by sending them to tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za and I’ll answer them once a week on the blog.

Check you all tomorrow again.

Day 366 – “All I want for Christmas”

2007-11-25T00:00:00.000+02:00

Current Recovery (Sunday, 25 November 2007)
Day 366 – “All I want for Christmas”

It is Sunday - a month before Christmas. I have ruined yet another weekend for my family. I don’t need to give much detail, since we all know my repetious destructive cycle off by heart by now. My million too many chances are up. I will discuss more about this and my decision regarding rehab during the week.

I have been slowly moving away from my friends and family into my own little secluded corner. Heroin is definitely not a drug that you take with a bunch of people unlike ecstasy or cocaine which is usually at its best the more people you have around you. I spent last night with my two best friends, more company than I've had in weeks. They met each other through one of my famous parties (in the time when we still had them). The parties were normally something many people looked forward to every year and of course had their share of brilliant music, many unknown and uninvited faces, alcohol and of course other substances. For a very long time “having fun” was something I couldn’t do without drugs. Right now I’ll just settle for “feeling normal”.

After talking to my friends last night I realized just how much this has affected them, even with my slow recoil into darkness. They have stood by me through all of this last time and this time but unsurprisingly their patience is now wearing very thin. And even though I truly admire and appreciate their dedicated friendship it is the support and patience of my parents that I find nothing short of a miracle.

My friends, I think, at the worst of times only get a fraction of what is really going on. My family however is living with it in their faces day by day, they feel the full extend of it and still they've found ways to help me through it.

All I keep thinking is how this all should have gone down differently. My mother’s birthday last month and mine at the end of it. My new life with my new job and new boyfriend. This celebration of a year in recovery and even the Christmas celebration – it all should have been so different. We won’t be doing much regarding presents this year and even though slightly cliché, I know that the biggest gift I can give anybody close to me or even myself is just getting clean again.

Day 365 – “Starting with a cup of coffee”

2007-11-24T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Saturday, 24 November 2007)
Day 365 – “Starting with a cup of coffee”

I just made myself a cup of coffee. I can’t remember when last I had something which was as routine in my life as brushing teeth or going to work. These days none of it means the same to me. Nothing is the same. I know I am not. The people that know me the best keep telling me how much I have changed, how much I disappoint them and how quickly I am killing myself.

I find it strange and weird to be writing this entry tonight. It is 24 November 2007 and exactly a year go today I started my Heroin Recovery. For the past few months I’ve been trying to remember what drove me to that day, where I got the will to start and the strength to continue. It is 12 months later and I find myself exactly where I started. The relationships I was still trying to build up, the trust I never really got back in the same way, even the money that lied spent on a feeling I could never seem to have again – all of it destroyed again!

My blogging has been quiet, I know! I should apologize for the silence but to tell you the truth I’ve spent so much time apologizing lately that it doesn’t mean much. I’ve even started to believe my own lies. I started blogging again because I still have a lot to say. Right now, I don’t know how to say half of what I feel or even a fraction of what is going on in my life. And to be honest I don’t know how many people are left to even listen or read. My friends and family are at a point I have never seen them. Frightening to think you’ve driven people to ends they never thought they could ever go. I am that person.

I am a heroin addict. No matter what I tell you in the next few days or what I try and do about it in the weeks to follow – that fact will not change. Even so, I find amazing comfort in posting another blog entry tonight. You see… as long as I make entries on this blog I am more than just a heroin addict – I am a heroin addict in recovery!

Day 350/21 – “Writing with my eyes closed”

2007-11-09T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 9 November 2007)
Day 350/21 – “Writing with my eyes closed”

I watched Brothers and Sisters last night. It has fast become one of my favourite TV programs ever. I must say there is a part of me that can relate to each one of the brothers or sisters on the program. Obviously the drug addict in me relates more with Jason (the wash out drug addict currently in Rehab) and the gay part of me relates better with Kevin (the gay lawyer). Last night Kevin made friends with a ‘straight guy’ at gym who unexpectedly kissed him while they hanging out and then they let… well... let other things hang out. That part I can definitely relate to. Whether it is something to be proud of or not, I’m not sure. But exactly the same thing has happened quite a few times with me in the past. One thing I can say is there is nothing else in the world that makes you feel as alive as such as experience. Unfortunately, just like Kevin when you reach the next day they chose to forget and the magnificent experience is just a memory that only you seem to remember.

I have become an expert on hiding my true feelings when it comes to certain people and after years of drug addiction, certain things. Heroin addiction made me a cheater and betrayer out of me. Such a good one, infact, that I could fool most people at any given time. Unfortunately hiding that part doesn’t leave you feeling excited at all… eventually it only hurts feelings and breaks relationships.

Luckily, and my friends will confirm this, I have always been better in expressing my feelings on paper. Perhaps that is why blogging was such a good idea. I don’t think a verbal diary would have gotten anywhere close to the truths revealed on the blog. Maybe it is because I can’t see who is reading my blog when I’m typing it. You see, then there is nobody to look in the eyes and instinctively lie to. If that is the case I’ll close my eyes and I’ll type pretending that nobody is watching. At least not watching how I fall and fail but rather standing behind me and help me get up!

Day 349/20 – “Writers Block”

2007-11-08T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 8 November 2007)
Day 349/20 – “Writers Block”

I have so much to say, not only about my recovery but general things which other people also blog about. Whenever I try and put some of the words in my head on paper or pixels on the computer screen nothing seems to come out right. Every word or every sentence just comes out wrong. I’m not sure if it is writer’s block because I actually think I have a lot of things to write about – for some reason though it isn’t working on paper.

I have not been feeling very well the past few days. I realize just all to well the damage heroin has caused yet again. My body is broken in too many places to mention, the scary part is most of those places I am not even aware of yet. My days are still very up and down. Today is good, tomorrow may not be. What gets me through some days is knowing that after a few tomorrows it will eventually get better.

I am sorry for being so quiet lately. The office has exploded with work and I am more out of town than I am in town. There are so much new things happening. As soon as I am sure it is not just talk I’ll talk about some of it here. All I can say now is that once again I have been given an amazing chance. A chance to do what I love, a chance to be a better employee and a chance to make up for my previous wrongs.

I have been given a lot of chances lately. Some days I don’t know if I deserve any of them and I see it as a miracle that my friends and family are still there helping me. My best friend phones me everyday to check up on me. My parents check everyday if I’m okay and what they can do to help me. I know the biggest gift I can give any of them is to get better. I know right now that is the biggest gift I can give myself!

Day 338/9 – “Q & A: Rehab”

2007-10-28T00:00:00.000+02:00

Q & A (Sunday, 28 October 2007)
Day 338/9 – “Q & A: Rehab”

A lot of things are different in my life this time around. My work for instance is much more demanding and active and I travel a lot more. Since I’m not in the office the whole day like I was last year getting the blog posted on time isn’t always possible. I still want to update you on the progress day by day – so please bare with me if the posts are a day or two late sometimes.

I am asking a question today which a few have already answered. I hope you’ll participate by answering this question as well as the others to follow in the weeks ahead. These questions are specificly about heroin addiction or my recovery and I ask them in an attempt for us all to understand some of the choices or mistakes a bit better.

Today I want to know if you think I should go to Rehab and when you think I should go. Do you feel it is long overdue or do you believe I have and can manage without the help of an institution?

Day 337/8 – “Remembering… Deja vu”

2007-10-27T00:00:00.001+02:00

Flashback (Saturday, 27 October 2007)
Day 337/8 – “Remembering… Deja vu”

This piece was originally posted on 25 November 2007, on Day 2 of My Heroin Recovery. I can only smile at the similarities…

I’m hurting… badly. There isn’t a part of me that isn’t hurting right now. Physically it feels like the flesh is being ripped from my bones. I’ve got goose bumps all over my skin, I feel every thing, every bump and every one of them hurts. Emotionally I’m just about to quit. The tears keep coming and the reasons for them are abundant. I just came from a 40-minute ‘what a disappointment you are!’ session with the folks. Once again I stood by while my character was ripped apart by people hurting so badly, hurt that I caused and keep on causing by my actions.

They say I’m weak – and truthfully I can’t really argue. I cracked, gave up – once again – and tried to score. My mom and dad have learned some of the tricks, most of them by now and stopped me in time. And although I look back at the events of the past hour gratefully it did not come without its expense. I displayed just once again the kind of person I’ve turned into and the lengths I would go to for my drugs.

I ask myself: ”Why?”. Why is it that once more a Saturday, a week, a life is ruined by my selfish actions. For that moment, that brief moment where I have my love in my arm, I think only of myself. I do the stupidest things to the most loving people and for what? Why? To slowly kill myself – that is why! To feel good for a few minutes and bad for days. Where is the logic in that?

I sit here with regret for the things that I have done. For the things that happened just now or this morning, yesterday or last week. I sit here with genuine intention to change, to try harder this time, to not give in to this poison, again. But I say that with a sort of deja-vu to it because I’ve been here before many times, I’ve said it before many times. Just for today I really mean it!

Day 336/7 – “Pain to a normal life”

2007-10-26T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 26 October 2007)
Day 336/7 – “Pain to a normal life”

Today is Day 7. Strange saying that again, going from over 300 days to just 7. I must say that the time passes a lot faster than last time. Every day last year felt like an eternity, but I think that had a lot to do with the mess in my life that still had to be fixed. Even though this relapse shouldn’t be taken lightly at all – I don’t think the damage is the same as last time. Then again, given enough time it probably would have reached it again. If I could beat this last time when all the odds were against me, then I can certainly do it now.

For a moment today I was bombarded with issues and problems that would normally send me fleeing for heroin. It has become such a convenient escape… all I had to do was take heroin and everything was better (well… to me at least). In the process I leave all the sober people in my life to deal with the problems I should be dealing with. My parents have actually said on occasion that perhaps they should also have taken heroin thinking that they would then understand a lot of the things I do. I guess that point is arguable, since I often don’t know what the hell I’m doing!

One thing I am trying to do right is the medicine. Somebody asked during the week what medicine I was taking that allowed me to go back to work after just a weekend. The medicine I am on still for a few days is Subutex then I am switching to Physeptone/Methodone. In the mornings when I open my eyes it is the first thing I reach for and in those few moments before it starts working I must say I feel like sh*t. Unfortunately, it is also addictive so when and how much of it I take must be carefully monitored.

Soon I will leave all the medicine and I’ll have to live through the pain that took over 50 days last time before it went away. Even my teeth are acting up because of heroin and I will have to see a dentist next week. So, pain will come and go I guess but it is the price that I need to and will willingly pay to live a normal life again!

Day 335/6 – “O… for Opportunity”

2007-10-25T00:00:00.001+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 25 October 2007)
Day 335/6 – “O… for Opportunity”

It is Day 6. After the disaster of Tuesday night I was forced to examine what I was doing with my life and which direction it was heading. Heroin pushes you into this haze where nothing seems to matter any more and even though I have real regret at times about my actions and what it does to those around me, it all seems to disappear when you crave it again.

I was alone today the whole day. I knew that if I wanted to I could get heroin and just continue like I have the past few weeks. If I had, my parents probably would have noticed. The trust I build up the past year is now gone again because of all my lies so I can’t blame them for checking for any signs of it. More importantly I knew that if I took today I would just have given myself permission to take yet again another day.

So, I am extremely proud to say that even with ample opportunity I stayed clear of it today. It wasn’t just an easy ride. The whole day felt empty, like I missed something and I realize that the whole mission of getting and taking heroin became a routine in my life that now leaves a very empty space. It will take time again to fix that. It will take a lot of time to fix many things.

Hykie Berg, whom I think is uber cute and talented told about his Heroin Addiction last night on Kwela. I sat and listened in horror how he told about what he went through, how he scored, when he took and how he finally struggled to get clean. His story was almost exactly the same as mine. Even after 7 years of totally being clean he relapsed almost throwing it all away. It just shows you how you can never let your guard down, not with any addiction, especially not with heroin. As I saw him there on TV you would never say he was a heroin addict. My wish to myself and countless others out there is that we can also be that lucky.

Day 334/5 – “Countdown”

2007-10-24T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 24 October 2007)
Day 334/5 – “Countdown”

I spent the whole day today thinking about where my life is and where I’m going with it. I had a relapse and since that day I haven’t been able to completely get rid of it. My family were furious because I tried to take again. They keep supporting me and helping me and I keep going back to the same routine. My friends were not exactly impressed that I lied to them or kept them at a distance the past few weeks. My ‘significant other’ and I decided to rather be friends because I couldn’t and still can’t give my attention to a relationship and even at the office the impact was negative because my head wasn’t in the right place. Something needs to change!

Last year I got to a point where we all made the decision that if I didn’t get better before a certain date I would go to Rehab. A lot of people have mentioned Rehab since my post on Saturday and I feel I need to clarify something. I have never said “No” to going to Rehab. I am obviously not very eager to what Rehab might cause (such as possibly losing my job) but compared to losing my life there is no contest. I see Rehab as a last resort when all other roads have been exhausted. Unfortunately, we seemed to have reached that destination.

In exactly a month it will be a year ago that I started My Heroin Recovery. I have then appropriately given myself until that day (that’s 4 weeks) to get off heroin, get off the medicine and give a clean test. That is yet another chance I might or might not deserve. Some would say I have already had way too many chances. I’d like to see this as motivation. Whatever the case, if I can’t do it then I am going to Rehab.

I have shown the strength once before and left heroin and moved on with my life. It will continue to be a life long struggle but I am much more positive today than the preceding few days that I can beat this once again. As always I’ll be here informing you how it’s going and hope you’ll continue following My Heroin Recovery.

Day 333/4 – “Taking back"

2007-10-23T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 23 October 2007)
Day 333/4 – “Taking back”

There are not many moments in this life I will take back if I had the chance. Even my addiction to heroin questionably made me a better or stronger person in the end. If it indeed did then I shouldn’t wish to erase any of those experiences. Of course, when that experience comes at a price that the people around me must pay, an immense price for which none of them asked, then it can only be a moment to completely erase. Tonight is one of those moments. One that should never have happened. One, given the chance, I would easily take back.

I tried to take heroin again. Right now, the past few hours seem like the dumbest choices in my life but at that moment I was only thinking of one thing. It is like I’m a whole different person hunting down and taking heroin. A person that, as my family reminds me, doesn’t give a damn about the rest of them. Sadly, my parents were the ones that stopped me from taking – which means once again I disappointed, hurt and most definitely angered them.

This whole day I tried to be so strong and block out the craving, that nagging to go and get heroin. It is a screaming inside my head, an urge throughout my body that doesn’t want to keep quiet unless I silence it with heroin. I take a lot of medicine and even though they help for a lot of things that nagging will only stop when it gets heroin. For a moment today I thought I made it but I used the slightest gap to throw it all away, just like I would have done tomorrow and no doubtedly the day after that.

So, yes tonight feels like a moment I would gladly take back. I hate that it happened! Then again, because of it there is no way I’ll be taking tomorrow. It sounds bizarre but the best thing that could have happened to me was trying to take and my parents catching me. So, I guess it is one of those moments that just needs to stay – especially if it keeps me away from heroin for another day!

Day 332/3 – “Feelings”

2007-10-22T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 22 October 2007)
Day 332/3 – “Feelings”

It is Day 3. I woke up this morning and predictably felt like a train ran over me. My parents were amazing in helping me through this, even though they should still be mad. It was my first day back at work today after a weekend in bed. It didn’t go to badly considering how I felt yesterday. I am glad that I was kept busy, keeping my mind off everything that was going on around me.

I am fighting the craving of heroin. Every second my mind gets to gather thoughts it thinks about it. That part is scary because I know that I can’t be watched 24/7 and that means sooner or later a tremendous big decision will lie in my path and I will either be strong or will fail terribly. Right now… I don’t have any guarantees.

I have started posting the entries from this weekend and many people replied with comments and e-mails. I thank you for still following, supporting and giving advice. It is nice to see so many familiar names, faces and identities but I feel ashamed to be writing about the same subject again, a topic we all thought would never feature ever again. But your views have always been a key instrument in me getting better, so please never be hesitant to tell me what you feel.

Right now, what I feel is regret that this started again and that it lasted as long as it did. I feel humiliation at the controls and methods that make me a prisoner of my own actions again. I feel scared to do this and angry that I have to. I am trying to keep strong so I’ll settle for having that today… strength… just for today!

Day 331/2 – “The ladder to sobriety”

2007-10-21T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 21 October 2007)
Day 331/2 – “The ladder to sobriety”

It is Day 2. My blog has been quiet for a few weeks – now you know why! I had some pre-written blogs prepared but I decided to delete them because I didn’t want to post blatant lies. Even these entries will only be posted once I am sure it isn’t just a Day 1, Day 2 and then heroin again! So… I sincerely hope they get posted during this week!

I’ve had a lot of time to think over the past few days. I’ve blamed everything from medicine to work to stress and boredom to justify just another hit but in the end I know it is just excuses. I had two of the toughest weeks at the office – weeks I never want to relive again. It has made it so much harder to even try and stop – but the honest truth is – I wouldn’t have even, if it was smooth sailing.

The worst anger from my parents has died down and they are talking to me again. The screaming from the past few days and nights have stopped. I don’t think they are less angry but their true character shines thru because they are more worried. Worried that their stupid son is slowly killing himself. And even through the anger and the worry they still shown compassion when I am at my downest moment. They are truly better people than I can ever hope to be!

Sundays are always more depressing than other days. I have hardly eaten and still don’t have my appetite back. I’ve hardly been out of bed this weekend and tomorrow I have to work again. Not just sit in an office – but actually work. Right now… I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through it... any of it!

Day 330/1 – “Under ‘S’”

2007-10-20T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Saturday, 20 October 2007)
Day 330/1 – “Under ‘S’”

It is Day 1. Everybody is out in town getting together to watch the rugby and I am lying alone in bed. Even with the medicine, it feels like millions of creatures all over my body are pulling the meat from my bones. There is no way to lie or stand or sit or sleep to sooth the discomfort. My bed and body are both sweaty and the stench of heroin leaving my skin hangs in the room. The smell is as familiar to me as the feeling of heroin itself. I’ve spent as much time trying to get rid of it as I have spent high on it and even so I know given half a chance I would be at the dealer trying to score again!

The logic or the lack thereof makes me sick more than any of the withdrawals can try and do! How can something be so easy and so complicated at the same time? All I have to do is stay clean. All I have to do is not pick up the phone and phone the dealer. All I have to do is stop – and right now it is the most difficult thing in the world to do!

I find myself climbing out of the trenches again. One minute I am overwhelmed with emotion and I cry at all the damage I have yet again left around me. Damage caused in an instant when the damage from last year isn’t even fixed yet. The next minute I am full of strength. I try and remember where I got the strength from last time hoping that I will be able to get that strength again. Perhaps it is one of my strongest weapons this time… the knowledge that it is not impossible. I did this all before. Sure, I stumbled in the end… but I got up and I am trying again. Day by day… one day at a time I am trying again!

Day 329/0 – “All over again”

2007-10-19T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 19 October 2007)
Day 329/0 – “All over again”

The wind is squeezing through the slightly opened window in my humid room. I can’t close it because inside I am boiling up. I don’t want to leave it open because I’m shivering from the cold and covered in goose bumps. Every single bump hurts while the wind blows its cold air onto my skin. I get nauseous at the mere thought of food. Even though I am hungry I can’t eat right now, at least not food. I’m devouring chocolates like it is going out of fashion because it is all I can manage to keep down and it at least helps with the cravings.

I’m lying on the bed watching TV. I don’t care what I watch and even if I did I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Changing the channels takes an effort out of me that right now feels equivalent to climbing mountains. I just want to lie here and be forgotten or maybe it is just the opposite.

Emotions of happy and sad, strength and weakness, bravery, hopelessness and misery are all ping-ponging in my busy mind. It is a mind scared right now! It has chosen the easy path for too long and now it has to face reality again. It is a mind ashamed at the things it has though up and done and even the lengths it still would have gone to. It is a mind humiliated at the insults of what it has become and at the words it’s most important friends and family scratch on its clammy skin.

It must be a nightmare because I would never do this to myself again. I would never put my family or my friends through that torture again, would I? It must be a gimmick or a lie – some attention seeking plot for a lonely mind. Oh please, please… please… today I would be that lonely pathetic attention seeker rather than have this be true again!

Regrettably, it isn’t a dream that I will wake up from tomorrow morning. It isn’t a gimmick that I could stop when the suspicious start seeing through it. It is the cold hard truth of how I took heroin again and again and again. It is, how in true addictive style, I couldn’t stop until I lost almost everything again. This time there is no safety ‘pre-written’ net conveniently placed at the top of this page. This time I have to face the truth in the honesty I have always somehow managed to achieve on this blog.

I am an addict, addicted AGAIN to heroin for more weeks than I have fingers to count it on. I took my last hit earlier today and already my world and my body is crashing down. Tomorrow I begin what I vowed never to be at ever again - I begin Day 1 again. I begin My Heroin Recovery - all over again!

Day 307 – “Triggers (Part 4)”

2007-09-26T00:00:00.002+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 27 September 2007)
Day 307 – “Triggers (Part 4)” (PRE-WRITTEN)

Taking heroin isn’t something that happens one day. It is something that is trying to happen every day. When a “Yes” comes through, people tend to completely forget how you said “No!” everyday before that. We do what we can to be strong and make sure that when we fall we don’t fall far – but there are no guarantees. Not for somebody that is clean for one week, one year or even 10 years.

I learned over the past few days that I will never be able to do this alone. I will always need the help of people around me that might never understand the reason for me being in that position or placing them there with me. I learned that triggers like alcohol or other drugs can lead me towards heroin but that there are millions of other things out there and I won’t see them coming.

I know that even though this happened and the friends and family around me are angry and disappointed, I do still have their support. It shows more of their character than it does mine. The only thing I can show is strength. I have no doubt in my mind that I can beat this, infact my previous success is a great motivator. Even so, the truth is that I can only guarantee today.

Perhaps, out of the all the lessons that is the one I should remember the most. Forgetting that is a daily fight and fight only for today is what makes you lose your grip and fall into relapse. So… I guess here is to being clean for today!

Day 306 – “Triggers (Part 3)”

2007-09-26T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 26 September 2007)
Day 306 – “Triggers (Part 3)” (PRE-WRITTEN)

I got the heroin from the dealer, purchased the needles and prepared it. The sequence of events was so familiar and, unfortunate to say, exciting. I know that in that short time millions of warnings went through my head. I knew better, I had months and months of better and I was about to end it all, but I couldn’t stop myself from going through with it.

The needle entered my arm and I threw myself in a hole I wouldn’t be able to get out of. For weeks and weeks after that day I used or tried to stop. It was like I went to bed last night a heroin addict and today I was just the same, nothing had changed. The past months of trying desperately to stay clean lay momentarily forgotten. I was in a vicious cycle of taking. I couldn’t stop… and the worst thing was that part of me didn’t want to stop!

I was really nervous when I saw my parents the night because they’ve become experts on seeing when I was high on heroin. They had to become experts to try and help me. They probably noticed something different about me but the changes were so subtle that they didn’t question it. I was trying my utmost best to try and hide it from them, if they noticed anything perhaps none of it would have happened.

Looking back at that day I remember the two previous times I had lapses. They noticed it almost immediately and because of their guard being up I didn’t continue taking. It dawns on me now, that the seemingly strong recovery from those lapses where I miraculously only used once – were only because I was stopped from taking a second time!

This time nobody was there to stop me. It still frightens me thinking that if I stayed on my own – this might still have continued at this very moment! Can I ever stay on my own then, I ask myself? Can I ever be responsible enough not to slowly kill myself?

(Triggers concludes tomorrow…)

Day 305 – “Triggers (Part 2)” (PRE-WRITTEN)

2007-09-25T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 25 September 2007)
Day 305 – “Triggers (Part 2)” (PRE-WRITTEN)

I stopped my car at a shop close by to get something to drink. It was in the middle of the day and a car pulled up next to me. The face was all too familiar: it was one of the HEROIN DRUG DEALERS.

What you have to understand about drug dealers is that most of them will not sell crack or heroin to their customers. Not only is it incredibly difficult for them to find good quality, but heroin addicts soon get to point where they have to phone the dealer a few times a day EVERY DAY. It takes a lot more work from them and they know sooner or later their “customers” will end up in rehab, prison or dead. So most just stick to the seemingly harmless stuff like ecstasy or cocaine.

The face I was looking into was one of those dealers that DID sell heroin. He started talking to me and before the conversation ended I was on my way to getting heroin again. Now, perhaps he was the trigger just by showing up or maybe something in the conversation we had. Perhaps he was only a solution to a trigger long before that day.

What you probably don’t understand about addiction in general, is that once you start the sequence of events there is no turning back. You don’t go from wanting heroin, to getting it and then deciding it is a bad idea and turning back. From the very first moment you get that thought to the time the needle enters your arm it is almost automatic.

I really have such a big support system in place. I know that I can contact a number of people in a number of ways and they will help me through it. The problem is that you just aren’t thinking rationally. So, you won’t be stopping yourself, thinking about what this does to you or your family. You won’t be calling your friends or your family to try and talk you out of it. You just sent a rolling ball down a cliff and until it completes its run at the bottom, no force will stop it!

(Triggers Part 3 continues tomorrow…)

Day 304 – “Triggers (Part 1)” (PRE-WRITTEN)

2007-09-24T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 24 September 2007)
Day 304 – “Triggers (Part 1)” (PRE-WRITTEN)

I got a ‘Medic Alert’ bracelet last year to state that I was allergic to ‘Morphine or Coedine or any Opiods’. I did this because not only can an intake of this be fatal to me, but codeine products will make me crave (even though I won’t know why) and all those items will cause withdrawal symptoms – regardless of how much or how long I take them.

It is Day 2 and I am using medicine to help with those withdrawal symptoms. They are doing their job and physically I am feeling the minimum of pain. Sometimes I can’t sleep (even with a prescribed sleeping pills) and my actions still haunts me when I’m awake, trying to sleep and even in my dreams. I’m very uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment but no medicine can help with that. No medicine can help with the effects heroin has caused in my life yet again.

My parents are obviously disappointed and feel like they want to lock me in my room again. I went through, what felt like, hours of painful speeches, warnings and begging to not walk the same road again. Each time it looks like it hits them lower, like the news hangs on them heavier and the disappointment and more then anything hopelessness shows on their faces more clearly.

I won’t lie to you, I am craving heroin right now. I did yesterday and I will tomorrow. The insanity of it all makes me nauseous more than the withdrawal symptoms can ever try and do. Why would somebody that went through the hell of heroin recovery EVER take heroin again? And then, even if it was a “mistake”, why would he continue after the first lapse and again and again…

(Triggers Part 2 continues tomorrow…)

Day 303 – “The not so pre-written blog”

2007-09-23T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 23 September 2007)
Day 303 – “The not so pre-written blog”

It is Sunday morning and as promised here is my ‘not pre-written’ blog for the week. Or, after some criticism this past week, let me re-phrase… here is my less pre-written blog than the rest. As I mentioned many times before my blogs are not just a spur of the moment bunch of words written directly on 24.com and posted seconds afterwards. My pixilated words and sentences refreshes at 60 hertz on 17” 96DPI screen (the geek in me had to do that) until I feel ready to post them.

Some days I would have liked to wait a bit longer delaying truths that would again upset so many people, but they still made it on here. Other days, of course, I was all to happy to press the ‘Submit Post’ button that would reveal the good things to the world. And as ThisIsMe (my good friend) pointed out in one of the comments, this is the way I’ve always written.

The pre-written blogs at the time I wrote them couldn’t be posted, for many reasons, yes reasons… reasons as simple as I wasn’t ready yet and reasons as difficult as to still tell my family about it. I was asked how anybody could trust me now and ‘when did I start lying to the public’. While I apologize for not being able to post this sooner the intention was never to hide it from anybody and I would hope that every blog post you’ve read up to now would prove my commitment to honesty on the blog.

Perhaps we live in a world where people fake addiction or suicide to get attention. Perhaps you know somebody like that, I don’t! My best friends (who responded to some comments during the week) and who has been with me through every step of this recovery, knows that I am not one of those people. My family scattered across the country who comfort my parents when it is going bad, knows I am not one of those people. Even the people that read this blog know through my experiences that I am not one of those people.

Of course, not everything that was said in the comments about the entries on the three sites they are posted, was criticism. Same actually gave some helpful suggestions and comforting words. There are still loads more to tell about a story which is still continuing every day. Yes, they’ve already been written but it doesn’t make it lies or for that matter any less true. It doesn’t even make it easier to post them, but I believe they still have a purpose to me and to somebody, anybody out there – so I will continue to post them!

Day 300 – “I took heroin again!”

2007-09-20T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 20 September 2007)
Day 300 – “I took heroin again!” (PRE-WRITTEN)

“I took heroin again.” I cannot begin to describe the feelings those words leave in my life. They seem to echo in the empty space that is my mind right now and I expect to hear in the distance answers coming back to me. There are none! I never thought I’d say them again and I presume my family and friends never thought they’d hear them again either. But nevertheless, it is true… I took heroin again!

I saw my doctor to get medicine to help with the withdrawals. My heroin intake wasn’t just a few days – so the withdrawals won’t be easy. They aren’t supposed to be, I guess. Some people believe you should suffer with your withdrawals, so that you don’t go and take again. Those people have so much to learn about heroin!

But I think we all do. As I told my loved ones about my relapse I found that many still don’t understand what it is all about. Of course how could they, when I still don’t understand most of it! That was even more reason to tell everybody about this relapse, to write about it – because it is happening out there - to the weakest and the strongest of heroin addicts everywhere!

I remember my one friend, after he relapsed. He didn’t want anybody’s help. He was aggressive at times and didn’t give his co-operation at all. And somehow I understand it today. I have always co-operated in my recovery. Perhaps not always giving as much as I could have at that moment – but nevertheless, I did co-operate. I was never aggressive or angry because I wanted to get better, I calmly tried what I could. Yet today, I feel almost hostile, picking fights with people that only want to help, perhaps not being as open to a helping hand as I should be. I feel like I just want everybody to leave me alone while I get rid of it by myself.

But I know I can’t do it by myself. I tried this for the past few days and unsurprisingly failed every single day. I really just wanted to spare everybody the hurt and disappointment of going through this all again. I didn’t want to look anybody in the eyes and say those words: “I took heroin again!”

Thank you to everybody that has contacted me regarding this. I will do a blog post tomorrow to address some of what has been said. Of course, many still want to know how this happened and for that please read Monday’s blog!

Day 299 – “Understand. Understood.”

2007-09-19T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 19 September 2007)
Day 299 – “Understand. Understood.” (PRE-WRITTEN)

The cat is out of the bag and I’m guessing there are currently loads of people with a lot of questions to ask. However before we get to the ‘how’ or the ‘why’, to the ‘what the hell is wrong with you’ or ‘what went through your mind’, there are a few things I think I need to address first.

When I first started this blog it was as a diary to keep track of the progress I hoped I would be making. From the very first day my blog entries were very surprisingly, received extremely well, which gave me so much more reason and determination to make it to the next day. Before long, many of the devoted readers literally counted the hours until I made my next post and if I disappeared for too long it was only a matter of time before the messages came through to check up on me.

After a few weeks my blog became a tool to the many friends, mothers or fathers and brothers or sisters who were either fighting their own battle with heroin addiction or trying desperately to help a loved one fight theirs. I realized back then that telling my story was much more than just a diary for me to look back on one day – to some people it was their last hope, hope that against the odds it was possible, it didn’t have to be a death sentence.

I am a heroin addict, currently addicted to heroin!
I am saying these words to you today not to invoke sympathy, because remember by the time you read this, I would hopefully have stopped taking. I am not trying to give excuses or hide behind default answers that you might keep getting from your own loved ones – because remember, I could have kept quiet. My purpose with the posts of the next few days and weeks is what it has always been – to try and understand this addiction and rise above it and in the process help other to understand it too.

Day 298 – “Relapse!”

2007-09-18T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 18 September 2007)
Day 298 – “Relapse!” (PRE-WRITTEN)

I have been thinking about this for weeks now. Should I say something or should I just keep quiet? Should I embrace the image created by the strength I have shown over these months and continue as a “recovering heroin addict” that miraculously manages to stay clean from heroin against all the odds? Or should I tell the truth about how heroin found a weak spot and wormed its way into my life again? The answer is easy, I guess… this blog has always been known for its honesty, infact it is almost famous for it. I would have to tell the truth!

And the truth is that I used heroin again. And what makes it so difficult to talk about this time is not only does it come months and months after I last took heroin, but it wasn’t just a one time occurrence like the other times – it lasted a while! How long and when it happened is something I have decided to leave out of the blog for now. I have my reasons for doing so and I hope you’ll respect my privacy regarding it.

In my numerous talks to those close to me over this period I realized just once again how little any of us understand about this addiction. That is, above all else, my main motivator for telling the story on the blogs again. After all I went through and learned, after all I put my family through and promised never to do again – it still happened again. I find myself almost helpless, clueless at this moment to give an answer to something that just doesn’t seems logical.

I know that I have a lot of explaining to many angry and disappointed people. The entries still to follow have all been written already and I must say after writing them the answer still doesn’t seem that clear to me. I hope you’ll share your comments, views and opinions with me. I have kept certain days open to respond to them and I’m hoping some of you will help me get an objective view on these events.

It is sad to say but moments like these it feels like everything I endured and survived over this period means nothing. It is like this long road of recovery I endured, lies almost non-existent with the new headline news posing on the front page: “I relapsed!”

Day 297 – “The answer to the question” (PRE-WRITTEN)

2007-09-17T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 17 September 2007)
Day 297 – “The answer to the question” (PRE-WRITTEN)

The answer to the question is: “Yes!”

The words that fill the sentences on each of my blog entries are not just a spur of the moment creation written 5 minutes before I post them. No, they are planned! They have been thought about over and over again, pondering on each word. Their emotion, by themselves and as part as a series of other emotions all play a factor when deciding to use a particular one.

On some odd occasions a certain blog entry may take a few days to complete. Those blogs are filled with words that twirl in my head when I lay in bed at night waiting to fall asleep. Their message might be a bit more difficult to get across and no matter what words I try and use or how I try and put them – they will still seem so wrong in the end!

The answer to the question is “Yes!”

The words you are about to read today, tomorrow and the days that lie ahead of us have been twirling in my head for a number of days now. Today they finally make it to a sentence typed on the same keyboard that has typed all the sentences that came in the months before it. These sentences are of actual feelings and events that are real to me at the moment and even though you will only get to read them at an undetermined time in the future – I have no doubt that even then they will still be as real to me!

The answer to the question is “Yes!”
Did I take heroin again?

Day 294 – “Open eyes”

2007-09-14T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 14 September 2007)
Day 294 – “Open eyes”

It is Friday again after a week that literally flew by. The weather is not too hot and not too cold and it is actually a pleasure to work outside. This weekend I’ll be inside catching up on some outstanding computer work but more importantly finishing a series of pre-written blogs.

Since last month I have mentioned that I have a collection of blogs that I’ve been keeping “secret” for a while. Keeping them private for the time being was intended for many reasons, some of which I will discuss with you over this period. I feel that the content of them is very important in my continued story of heroin recovery and in the end just as much a learning tool to anybody that has ever found use in my blog.

I really hope that you’ll read what I have to say and give me your comments, opinions or questions. Even though the blogs are pre-written I will respond to your views on Fridays. I’ll try and be as honest with this as you’ve come to expect from me! Enjoy the weekend and see you all on Monday!

Day 285 – “Blackness becomes me"

2007-09-05T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 5 September 2007)
Day 285 – “Blackness becomes me”

I would love to give you all the juicy details regarding my day at the job. However, I decided in the beginning that any details would just get me in trouble with management so I’ll have to be vague.

One thing I can tell you is that when I got home today I was covered in black dust. From my shoes to my hair everything was black. On my way to the guesthouse I stopped at the Pick and Pay in Ellisras to get a few things and you should have seen the way some of the people checked me out with my black face.

Ellisras is actually very busy in the mornings, I presume because of the mine and because of Eskom. I’m not sure how big it really it – but it appears much larger than I think it actually is. The people are surprisingly… uhm… sexy in this area and I had to stop a few times today to admire the talent that Ellisras provides. 

We even went out tonight as a group to a lodge nearby that has a bar, pool tables and a swimming pool. If our accommodation had a swimming pool we would probably all have dived in when we got home. I got black in places I didn’t know I had!

But the most important thing I want to say is how much I enjoyed my day. Really, it has been one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time if you take in account that we worked in the scorching heat for the whole day on a black surface that most definitely attracted heat. And THIS formally glorified PA enjoyed it! I do still surprise myself daily at how much I enjoy what I do now and the challenges it provides in my life.

I cannot wait to go home on Friday and I miss my family and my home and my bed – and definitely my boyfriend whom I hope I will see. And of course, I miss my friends in blogworld and facebook!

Day 284 – “Off Blog Off”

2007-09-04T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 4 September 2007)
Day 284 – “Off Blog Off”

The Blog Off competition ended on Friday and the general opinion: “it is about time!” I am actually excited to see what will happen on the blogs now. Will we get to see some really creative content from the bloggers instead of pasting and begging? I really hope so.

I’d like to think my blog has stayed cleared from those things even though it has had it share of criticism because I won the competition more than once. Still, I feel proud to have shown those awards on my blog because I didn’t beg for votes and I believe the award was on good, original and honest content.

Maybe now, we will see a lot of people that left 24.com returning. Perhaps more because the ending of this competition sends a sign that somewhere out there, there is/[are an] editor(s) listening to our views, requests and concerns.

My facebook profile has a Notes section, only visible to my friends, that updates every time I make a blog post. Sooner or later some of them come across it and I really had some good feedback the past few weeks. It appears to still be doing some good even to those that has no connection to any drugs.

Placing the blog on facebook was something I thought long about. It is different from posting on blogspot or 24.com because it is right there for them to find and read without even searching for it. Then I just remind myself that the blog has never been a secret and up to now the content has proudly been shared with friends, family and strangers everywhere.

As long as it continues to do good – to myself and to other people, I have no problem posting it anywhere!

Day 283 – “Batteries and Signal”

2007-09-03T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 3 September 2007)
Day 283 – “Batteries and Signal”

It is Day 1 of my week visit to Ellisras. I forgot this was one of the places the government wasted money with name changes on and had to double check when I started finding the Lephalale signboards.

I got here just on time this morning after yet another way too early wake up. We are all staying in a big house just outside of Ellisras and it is actually a very nice place. I haven’t slept in the bed yet – but I’ll still miss my own bed tonight.

The cellphone reception here is struggling to stay at one bar. I quickly made a few calls earlier on but even my SMSes aren’t going through. I thought I was really clever and set up the internet on my cellphone before I came. I was going to use it this week to post blogs and check on my facebook profile – so much for that idea!

These past few days have been really hectic. I’ve been up and down between Limpopo and Mpumalanga and Gauteng. I had a terrible week of tooth pain and drugged by pain killers and of course, they stole my office laptop. I thought this week would just add to the chaos of the preceding few weeks but I might be wrong…

It is so quiet here and I am actually enjoying the people I am with. The normal routine at the house and even the chaotic “non-routine routine” of the office is miles away. I think I can really take this time to charge my batteries, just what I needed!

Day 282 – “Don’t quit your day job"

2007-09-02T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 2 September 2007)
Day 282 – “Don’t quit your day job”

This weekend was the first weekend in a long time that I didn’t see my partner. It felt totally empty not having him with me. He went fishing for the weekend – which I must say is something I haven’t done since I was little and have no intention of adding to my ‘to do’ list soon. Then again, if it means spending time with him – I wouldn’t think twice.

I think that the best of couples get insecure at times, but I must say sometimes the ‘long distance’ thing is a real bitch. It is so much worse when you can’t look somebody in the face to tell them something or when audio over a cellphone is all communication you have for the day. But I’m usually the one that make reminds us both that we both knew this when we entered the relationship.

I went to a “karaoke party” this weekend. It was actually quite fun, luckily I only sang one duet with a guy that thought all the choices were “gay” but who can blame him with an ABBA’s Greatest Hits DVD. I had an interesting evening with one of my friends, somebody with whom a visit was long overdue and I hope we get to do party soon.

Tomorrow is off to Ellisras for the week. On a scale from 1 to 10 my eagerness for this week is hovering in the lower regions. I should be excited because it is a new place which means meeting new people (which is one of my favourite pass times). Then again, it is for work – so that will all depend on how busy they keep us.

My dad is also gone for the week which leaves my mom and brother home alone. It really feels strange being the one who is away from home for a change. Normally everybody else disappears for a few days and I always stay behind. Going to Pretoria or Cape Town for a week would have been a whole other story – but it is a start!

Day 280 – “Two Eighty”

2007-08-31T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 31 August 2007)
Day 280 – “Two Eighty”

It is Friday night and after an exhausting week I can finally relax – at least that is what I thought. At 4 o’clock today I heard that I had to be in Ellisras on Monday morning for 5 days. Due to (once again) bad planning I wasn’t informed of this during the week. Such a pity that a professional company providing a professional service forgets details like those.

But it is part of the job, I guess. So on Monday morning early I’ll be entering the area of Ellisras for the very first time. I’ve decided to take my PC with me, since Ellisras probably only has a KFC, a Total Garage (and we know how I love those) and a Spur. I’ll be able to write blogs but I doubt I’ll get any internet access to post them, so they’ll probably follow the week after.

‘My Significant Other’ got internet this past week. I am very happy because this extends the little time we have to communicate. Unfortunately, I’ll be without internet for a week – so back to the cellphone we go! In that area things are progressing very nicely. I might even go so far as to say I’m in love, more than I’ve ever been before.

I am continuing to write blogs whenever I have something to say but due to my hectic work schedule I only get to post them on certain days. Please bare with me while I try and get some routine with them again – as I mentioned before my new job doesn’t know the meaning of the word.

And I’m finally posting a few blogs in September that I’ve been keeping secret for a while. Their content will be revealed and I’m sure we’ll have loads to talk about afterwards. So, for now all I have to say is watch out for them. Thanx for still reading and following the story of My Heroin Recovery!

Day 279 – “Soccer”

2007-08-30T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 30 August 2007)
Day 279 – “Soccer”

The first thing I took this morning were pain pills. My mouth looked like a soccer ball and I spoke funny. When I opened my eyes this morning I knew today this tooth had to come out – it couldn’t go on like this. I got an appointment after work today and had the wisdom tooth removed. It only took a few minutes in the dentist chair and even though I can’t really tell at the moment I have to say I can just feel the pain is finally gone.

Some people wondered regarding the dentist and my addiction. Even though I cannot take anything with codeine or morphine in it, the dentist uses something else – and according to my doctor this will not cause a problem. After the dentist appointment tonight I didn’t feel well at all. This week’s medication overload is starting to show!

The tooth is gone now, but unfortunately so is something else in my life! At work today (in another town) I was sent to go and get some water because we were working in the sun and it was a scorching day. I went into the shop, got the water and when I got back to the work bakkie found the window broken and my office laptop stolen! come people… gasp with me!

I spent most of the day at the Police Office getting a case number. While I was there a tourist couple drove in, also with a broken window. Apparantly the same happened to them, not even a block from where I was parked. According to them they are in South Africa for ONE day only from London and now this happens. I said that I hoped this didn’t create a bad impression and she quickly replied that it most certainly did and she was going to spread it. I just thought of the Soccer World Cup at that moment – what a field day these criminals will have then!?

Anyway it sounds asif the laptop will be replaced and my MD didn’t look too upset when I saw him today. However well they take it – I didn’t exactly want to be the one that loses a laptop not even two months into his new job!

Day 278 – “The pain of wisdom”

2007-08-29T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 29 August 2007)
Day 278 – “The pain of wisdom”

Like I explained last night I had to stay in Pretoria for an extra night. Normally I pack for an extra day so fortunately I had clothes to wear today. I got a call from the guest house this morning on my way back to Polokwane to inform me that I forgot my extra denim there this morning.

So, I phoned the office to ask one of the ladies if they would fetch it for me. On asking her if she’d go fetch my denim she queries what I was wearing then… I replied: “only my underwear, it looks nice… you want come and check!” Bad Christiaan!

I forgot it this morning because I almost overslept. This one guy at the office arranged that we meet each other at 5 o’clock to load the stock. So, at 5 o’clock we pitch up and waited for him for 30 minutes. How nice for him… I really hope he enjoyed the few minutes extra he could sleep when we got up early! Again, with the bad arrangements – seems to be a habit in the office.

This day was one big disaster. My tooth was acting up and I was on a trip because of all the medication I was taking. But this meant nothing to the people that worked with me. They sent Courier Christiaan up and down and up and down the whole day. We did the job we were supposed to do and found a problem somewhere. So, we redid everything to double check and after an exhausting day of doing everything twice – found that the stock we received were faulty. I am just reserving comment on this one!

I guess you get good days and bad days. This week’s tooth pain is really getting to me and because of the medicine it is affecting my work. I’m trying to get an appointment to get the tooth removed, but as dentists are – I can’t get an appointment, especially not one that meets my schedule at the moment. It will have to wait until Saturday it seems. This week won’t be getting better soon!

Day 277 – “Souvenir”

2007-08-28T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 28 August 2007)
Day 277 – “Souvenir”

I thought I’d be in my own bed tonight but find myself in Pretoria for another night. I decided that I won’t be spending tonight all alone in a guest house and called one of my friends. We haven’t really spent that much time together in a while, infact, if it wasn’t for facebook we’d still be looking for each other. The plan to do something for the evening then was actually a good one.

I started having tooth pain last week but due to my hectic work schedule couldn’t get close to a dentist. I’ve been taking pain pills and disprins when the tooth acts up. This weekend my tooth decided to punish me for all the times I forgot to brush in an unbearable pain that I have never felt before. First thing yesterday morning I made a dentist appointment and had the tooth fixed.

Last night and today during my training I ate disprins like they were going out of fashion to help with the unbearable tooth pain that… yes… still continued. I don’t know what the dentist did, but the pain was now worse. I was actually surprised at how well disprins helped for the pain and since I am limited to the type of medication I can take it was the safer choice aswell.

My friend and I went to a very nice place in Centurion that even had a performer for the evening. Luckily we were done when he started singing because even though he wasn’t half bad he was extremely loud and communicating to somebody sitting next to me was nearly impossible. I can’t remember his name now, but the crowd made it clear he was a regular and a favourite.

Our waiter was one of the sweetest characters around and it was really nice chatting to him. I had a few drinks (yes, I know… spank me why don’t you) and this mixed with the pain killers I took left me giggling like a little school girl. Our poor waiter got most of the silliness and I think I asked him if I could take him home with me at one point. Of course this would just be as a souvenir for my evening out and nothing more!

Slightly better day even with the tooth pain. Who knows where I’ll find myself tomorrow!

Day 276 – “Talent”

2007-08-27T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 27 August 2007)
Day 276 – “Talent”

In a week I will be at my new job 2 months. I have surprised myself just how much I enjoy this despite view of some of the people around me. Lets face facts, I sat in an office in front of a computer for most of my working career. And personally I think I was good at it. Now, I’m climbing masts and doing much more physical work. Whether I’ve got any talent for this remains to be seen, but nobody can accuse me of not giving it a try.

I’m in Pretoria today. We have training tomorrow morning early again and I decided it best to come through tonight. I had to take a detour of 2 hours to fetch something for somebody but due to poor arrangement this item was not there. I have to say, I’ve found myself in a lot of poorly planned situations lately and it really creates a bad impression of the company – perhaps one area they can work on.

I stopped by my ex on the way to Pretoria. I had a little bit more time this time around and decided to stay for a drink. He recently met somebody and you can clearly see how happy he is. Unfortunately, he has a tendency to ruin most of his relationships in attempts that sometimes look like pure sabotage. So I hope that this one works out for him.

Of course, I’ll tell my partner of this, even though I haven’t yet. The visit was really innocent, so I have no need to hide it. Afterall, I do regard him as a close friend now. One thing I can say about my job is it keeps me on my toes and it keeps me busy. It is exciting and new and features little routine events. It is looking more and more asif this was exactly what I needed in my life!

Day 275 – “Pulse”

2007-08-26T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 26 August 2007)
Day 275 – “Pulse”

I have to be honest; I haven’t had much time to blog the past few weeks. Work has kept me extremely busy and it doesn’t seem as if it will get any better in the weeks to follow. So, I apologize for the late, little and scattered entries over the past few weeks.

Since I’m barely keeping up with my own blogging I have got no idea what is happening with the rest of blog world. I did see ‘badges’ added to the blog site, which is a step up towards widgets and I am extremely (out of this world, because we’ve been begging for ages for this) happy that the ‘recently updated list’ has a ‘more link’ added. All I can say is: FI-NA-LLEEEEEY!

Besides being an addict of many things, as you know, I think I’ve become a facebook addict aswell. It has also drastically cut into my blogging time. I have found that either you love it or you hate it, but I think that the people that hate it, just hasn’t had enough time to play around on it yet. It really combines so much of what I already do on the internet on one place.

If you are a facebook member, remember that we have a group for all the ’24.com Bloggers’ and those want to reveal their true identities. There are also weekly chats on Fridays where all the bloggers get together and talk about the latest stuff.

I’ve taken some time lately to update my BlogSpot Blog, My Facebook Profile and also the Mailing List (all of which can be found on the badges on the right). I also finished a collection of entries that will follow in September (something I’ve been working on for a while). If my recovery meant something to you or a friend or if you found it informative at all - I will urge you to read the collection of entries.

Day 273 – “Violently Serene”

2007-08-24T00:00:00.000+02:00

Kirsten Squared (Friday, 24 August 2007)
Day 273 – “Violently Serene”

A piece of fiction, amongst daily reality. Or a part of reality that too many see as fiction. Written by Christiaan/TristanB...

She remembers that grisly day all too well. The smell of his sawdusted clothes entering the house. The trail of his muddy shoes which scratched a footpath to the room, her room, always her room! She used to close her eyes when he opened the door. Her deceiving mind told her that she heard the slightly muffled cry of thunder each time, but deep down inside she knew it was him. It was his smile, his intense glaring, his hands… oh, how she hated those hands!

"No, please. Not again!" she always seemed to whisper.
A whisper so soft even if her paralyzed hands could move it would not hear her cries for help. Her diminished voice could manage only a few sounds after its screaming all those years. He moved to the window and pulled on her rosy curtains almost ripping them to the ground.
"I told you to leave them closed. You hear me! Leave them closed!" he screamed. He always wanted them closed. She used to think that it was just so that he could come into the room at any time, but she never really understood it. She didn’t understand any of it.

She knew how to read him a like a book. She could tell how much sugar he had in his coffee that morning just by the way he opened the door. He loved sugar, a lot of it. He loved it almost more than he loved drinking. She wished he loved it more. Too much sugar made him grumpy – he never did this after sugar. His hands were never sweaty after sugar. He never touched her, after sugar!!!

"P… Please… don’t!" she said again. This time echoing through the whole house. She knew he was going to do it even before he knew – ‘cause she knew him too well. But knowing him wouldn’t help stop it. He lifted up his right hand slapping her, making her 11-year-old head twist in an unnatural position.

"Don’t you ever scream at me again. You hear me!" She didn’t say a thing. It pained too much to talk; it pained too much to move. So she just lay there, lay there like she did before… to tired to move… to afraid to speak!

His hand started moving down her petite breasts. "I can’t wait" he always grinned at her. "I can’t wait ‘till your older, your gonna be a fine woman!" Her mind screamed, screamed so loud it wanted to burst, but not a sound came from her frightened mouth. No. Please daddy no. Not again. No…

Day 264 – “Now you see me, now you don't”

2007-08-15T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 15 August 2007)
Day 264 – “Now you see me, now you don't”

As I mentioned on Thursday’s blog I stopped to quickly say hi to my Ex. I’ve been promising to visit him for ages and when the opportunity came along I just couldn’t let it pass. Of course, the very same night I informed my partner that I was there. I don’t think I did anything wrong – but I didn’t want this little fact to come and bite me on the ass in the future.

Things between us were a bit rocky the past few days. Everything in my life was thrown a bit upside down with the working here and out of town. We barely get to see each other and because of the busy schedule we barely had time to communicate over the phone aswell. Funny thing is, if he had internet at home we’d probably see a lot more of each other on facebook!

One thing that still comes up on a regular basis is the distance between us and amount of time we get to see each other. These are probably the biggest obstacles we are facing at the moment. Even thought the distance isn’t really that far apart, we can only see each other on weekends and even then it is only for a limited time. So, I can imagine anybody can relate to the frustration that can cause in a relationship.

But as with any other problem in a relationship we are learning to deal with it. One thing I know for sure is, that either one or both of us will not be happy with the ‘arrangement’ as it is at the moment for too long and at some point it will have to change. And that day will make for a really interesting blog!

Day 262 – “Thinking the worst”

2007-08-13T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 13 August 2007)
Day 262 – “Thinking the worst”

His reaction to the news was somewhat surprising. I gathered from those few moments that he still cared about me… well, I still cared about him, but too much happened back then and since then for it to ever work again.

When I told him about my Heroin Addiction he was shocked. I am not really the ideal poster boy for heroin addiction but then again, who really is. A lot of feelings were thrown around: disappointment towards me, anger towards the other people involved and after all that, still support towards a friend he hasn’t seen in over 2 years.

I keep thinking that people will think the worst of me when they find out I was a heroin addict. Let’s face it, it is not really on the list of morally righteous acts to tick off before one dies.

The blogs and the blog entries from the beginning have really placed me in a public light (if I could put it that way). My friends and family, regardless of who or where they are, get the sometimes unpleasant details without ever speaking to me or seeing me. To some, the images created gives them nightmares and instigates prayers that I will recover from this safely.

Facebook, I guess is much worse, because even though blogging is public, it is still something that people have to either learn or happen upon. On facebook, you only need my name and my whole life is laid out there as an advertisement for anybody to see. The blogging section, though, is only visible to my added friends.

Regardless of who reads the blog and where, I have decided to continue with it as always. The rules have changed a bit, but in the end you will still get the honest recovery of a heroin addict – despite that of what anybody might think!

Day 258 – “Rest of story on this page…”

2007-08-09T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 9 August 2007)
Day 258 – “Rest of story on this page…”

He picked up the phone and I could hear in his voice he was glad to hear from me. I told him he had 0.23 guesses where I was at the moment. He couldn’t believe when I told him I was in his town - and he insisted we quickly meet. So, I took a 5 minute detour to quickly said hi.

Seeing him was really great. It brought back so much memories of the time we first met and how nice that was. Of course, the relationship ended really badly and for months after that we didn’t speak. At least now, we are good friends again – not many people can say that about their ex’s.

I recently posted a blog entry on how certain people in my life didn’t know about my heroin addiction or recovery. He was one of them. I just could never get the courage together to tell him something like this over the phone. One night a few weeks back a similar subject came up and I decided to just go ahead and tell him, even if it was going to be over the phone…

*** Continues...

Day 257 – “Rest of story on next page…”

2007-08-08T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 8 August 2007)
Day 257 – “Rest of story on next page…”

I was informed on Monday that I had to be in Pretoria for training the following morning at 6 o’clock. This meant I had to wake up at 1 o’clock to make it in time for training. That is not really my idea of a good night sleep, so I drove through on Monday, slept over and just drove to the office on Tuesday morning.

Training on Tuesday was really interesting. It was a basic course at Duxbury and the instructor was brilliant. I’m not sure if he gives other courses as well, but he really knew how to get his message across and definitely knew enough on the subject he was giving. I would definitely recommend Duxbury for training.

I stayed over at a very nice guest house in Centurion. It is just around the corner form some mall in Botha street, I think. I was really amazed at how a place located in the middle of the city could still have such a relaxing out of town feel to it. Perhaps I’m sounding like a newspaper advertisement today – but even this guest house I would really recommend… just can’t remember the name at the moment.

I woke up bright and early the morning to drive through to a site in the Witbank direction for work. I was on the N4 Highway for the very first time. It is really a different side to Pretoria and the Highways and the tollgates to which I am used to. On my way to the site I passed the home town of my ex. I decided to take a chance, phone him and see if he is available…

*** Continues...

Day 252 – “Luister na my geheim (** Afrikaans)"

2007-08-03T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 3 August 2007)
Day 252 – “Luister na my geheim (** Afrikaans)”

Ek staan op die oomblik in die gang en wag vir ma. Ek wag om ma se aansteeklike glimlag te sien, ma se hande om my lyf te voel en vir my te vertel dat alles reg gaan wees - dat ma daar sal wees vir my. Ek skryf hierdie brief met die hoop dat ma dit sal lees en dat ek nie vir die soveelste keer hoef om te draai en in trane na my slaapkamer toe moet hardloop nie.

Ek staan in die middel van my kamer, ma. Die honderde prente van een of ander kaal manlike bolyf staar my in die gesig en hier en daar maak 'n prent van kastige seks godinne soos Madonna, Pamela en Marilyn hulle verskyning. Vergeef my asseblief, ma. Ek probeer myself indink wat die dag gaan gebeur as ma moet uitvind. Wat gaan ek sê? Wat gaan ma die res van ma se lewe lank vir my voel? My vriende sê, hulle het dit vermoed, ma! Hulle sê hulle weet al lankal. Weet ma al lankal dat ek gay is?

Ek wens ek kon sê dit was 'n fase, ma, maar ek voel dit al my hele lewe lank. En nou waar ek op die ingang van my grootmens lewe staan wil ek nie meer elke dag 'n leuen lewe nie. Ek hoop dat ma hierdie brief lees. Ek hoop dat hoe meer en meer woorde ma lees, ma sal weet dat ek van ons twee praat. Ek hoop dat die trane en hartseer wat ma gaan voel nie lank sal hou nie en dat ons eendag weer mekaar se beste vriende kan wees... tot dan sal ek in die gang staan en wag vir ma!

** Translation to English available soon!

Day 251 – “Repercussions”

2007-08-02T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 2 August 2007)
Day 251 – “Repercussions”

My ‘Significant Other’ and I were talking about My Heroin Recovery this past weekend. I told him about my heroin addiction before we even met face to face and he was supportive and caring from that day without any hesitation. He asked me a question, a question I’ve been asked many times before – “If I get offered heroin right now; If somebody holds out their hand and open it to reveal heroin – would I take it?”

I heard a story one day from a friend of mine, it was still very early in my recovery. She told of one of her close family members who had been clean for a year and she got offered heroin one night by a friend. Of course, she couldn’t say “No” and destroyed a year of progress.

The sad thing is, that it wasn’t that she wasn’t strong or determined to get her life back or stay on the right track. It was just heroin still having that tight grip on her life. It’s not an easy fight and it definitely isn’t simple. If it was just a choice between “yes” and “no” it wouldn’t only have a 2% survival rate. Heroin has a hold on your life that most can never understand. Most can never even imagine.

So, perhaps it is not the answer I would have liked to give. And predictably it is not the answer you would want to hear. But it is the truth – I don’t know what I would do if I got offered heroin. I stay away from the people and the places that tempt me towards heroin in the hope that I won’t have to make the choice, because as much as I don’t like the answer to the question – I definitely don’t like the repercussions of it either.

Day 250 – “Result Great”

2007-08-01T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 1 August 2007)
Day 250 – “Result Great”

Today (Wednesday) is Day 250 in My Heroin Recovery. Somebody asked me yesterday how things are going in my life. I wouldn’t even know where to start…

I started a new job a month ago. The job has its challenges and I’m learning new stuff every day. Sometimes I should have gotten acquainted with these things years before; sometimes it is something that most people will never get to experience. But one thing is for sure - no two days seem to be the same and it really keeps me on my toes.

Overall it is very healthy because I’m getting more exercise, definitely seeing more sun and experiencing different areas in this and adjacent provinces. These points are already good reason to justify the job change, and even though money isn’t a big factor for me when choosing a career – I am receiving more money as well.

The love life came unexpectedly one day when I wasn’t really looking for it. Even this dry part of my life took an interesting turn as I got involved with somebody I normally wouldn’t have liked. Or perhaps not exactly ‘not liked’, but more that our paths never would have crossed because of our different interests, cities and social relationships.

We live about a 100km apart and only get to MXIt during the week and visit each other of weekends. I’ve met his family and he has met mine and everybody is getting along like they’ve known each other for years. The relationship is still new and I think both of us need to adapt again to being part of a group and not make single decisions anymore.

With work keeping me so busy I am getting less and less time to do the normal stuff that used to make part of my day. I am still blogging whenever I can and checking in on facebook on ‘n regular basis. In between I also try and make time to visit my friends. My two best friends got engaged a few weeks back. I’ve been promising them a decent blog post dedicated just to them – so you’ll get all the juicy details soon enough.

Seems that no matter what area of my life you may ask the question, the answer is unanimously obvious: It’s going great!

Day 249 – “Cause I like guys!”

2007-07-31T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 31 July 2007)
Day 249 – “Cause I like guys!”

Perhaps one of the most popular questions you get asked is when you first knew you were gay. To me, the question brings the memory of that holiday. Not because I suddenly turned gay as I stared into the eyes of another man, not because something happened in my life that exposed me to that world, but because for the first time what I was my whole life, what I was for as long as I could remember, made sense to me.

It took several years for me to finally come to terms with what I learned about myself that holiday. I finally came out of the closet a few years later to the amazement of some people and no surprise by others. In much the same way some have been accepting and others narrow mindedly cold towards me.

When I started this blog it was to deal with an issue greater than anything I every experienced in my life before. Sexual preference not only seemed insignificant at the time, but way off the subject of the topical heroin blog. So a conscious decision to leave it out of the blog was made from the start.

Over the months there were times that I vaguely discussed certain issues pertaining to my love life but I knew that I couldn’t really talk about it as TristanB at the time. Any reference to love could usually not be gender specific. So I started another blog which sometimes covered the issues that TristanB just couldn’t.

I started blogging as Conrad Daly, with occasional stories to tell, but never really award winning stuff. The blog was more a medium to get creative with stuff like ‘Hottie of the Day’, ‘Mr. World Experiment’, ‘Stranded’, ‘Hottest Men Alive’ and ‘Villiage People Directory’.

Conrad’s Blog ended on Monday night and any future stories I have to tell about that part of my life will be posted here. I can only hope that they will be greeted with the same loving arms that helped me through heroin recovery!

Day 248 – “Opening the doors!”

2007-07-30T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 30 July 2007)
Day 248 – “Opening the doors!”

There are a few defining moments in my life. I remember my vacation in the Cape Province with my family when I was younger. I remember being so happy because I was young and perhaps a bit naïve. I hadn’t been hurt by people, by feelings, by love. I hadn’t been abused by money. I probably never even heard of drugs.

The sea was cold, impossible to swim in, but we had our feet in the water fighting the cold because the sea wasn’t something we got to see every day anymore. Seeing a movie on the big screen was almost unique to me so the IMAX theatre was an out of a world experience – which was appropriate seeing as we watched ‘Blue Planet’ at the time. We took a boat ride on the open side past ‘Seal Island’, a journey up to misty Table mountain and checked the marine life at the “Two Ocean’s Aquarium”. I remember all of it!

I remember walking down a street in one of the places we visited. As I crossed the street I looked up and found this beautiful face in front of me. Our eyes met for brief seconds but it felt like an eternity that we stayed locked onto each other. In what perhaps was a hidden instinct to be at the time, I smiled… we both smiled.

I wasn’t in love – love would be something I only experienced much later in my life. I was vulnerable - this wall I had inadvertently build around me collapsed and for the first time I saw its bricks scattered around me. I was excited – this rush of emotions charged over me and for the first time in my life everything fit into place.

It was on that holiday that a lot of things in my life made sense for the first time. For the first time there was a word for something I had been all my life but now I knew what it was - I was gay!

Day 247 – “On the 10th day of Blogging…”

2007-07-29T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 29 July 2007)
Day 247 – “On the 10th day of Blogging…”

The count down has begun. On Wednesday, 1 August it will have been 250 days since I started My Heroin Recovery.

The next few days I will be blogging daily again, and I’m actually looking forward to sharing my thoughts and views with you on a regular basis. What lies ahead is revealing something you may or may not have known about me, a blog you may or may not have known I created and of course a few format changes that has become tradition every 50 days.

I have a renewed excitement towards blogging realizing that there are still loads to tell and share. And with the changes lying ahead I hope you’ll find it to be even more honest than you’ve come to know it up to now.

See you all tomorrow again!

Day 241 – “Total-e-forgotten”

2007-07-23T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 23 July 2007)
Day 241 – “Total-e-forgotten”

Last week was a really quiet week. I spend most of the time in the office working on a presentation and hardly any time on the road. Today started off with a bang and we were on the road for most of the day and tomorrow sounds like an even busier and physical day.

I was reminded today why I never pull into a Total filling station to fill up. I normally drive until I find a BP or an Engen, even a Shell will do – but I always seem to avoid a Total garage.

We drove to a few small downs in the province. On our way back we notice the petrol tank is hovering on empty. We stop at the first Total garage, which doesn’t take Petrol Cards. We drive around the corner to the second garage – also a Total. A man comes walking out after contemplating for 5 minutes whether he should approach us or not. He comes to the window and leans in staring at us. Eventually we figure out he is the petrol attendant, and he informs us that they don’t have unleaded petrol.

We drive quite a while again, praying that this won’t be the day we walk between the goats and cattle looking for petrol and find another petrol station a few kilometers on. Of course, this is also a Total Garage. This time we are approached by a man in uniform and ask him if he accepts cards. He confirms that they do – but also has no unleaded petrol.

Finally, after a 20 km detour from our route, we reach another station. This time it is a Shell Station, and even though we were helped, paid by card and got unleaded petrol – we met a few of the most unhappiest petrol attendants in the world. I think people in prison have a more optimistic walk as they go about their day.

As we drove away back to Polokwane, I wondered if anybody still remembered there were filling stations up north and when they realize they build something there one upon a time, could they please send them some unleaded petrol!!!

Day 240 – “Concerning my blogging”

2007-07-22T00:00:00.000+02:00

My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 22 July 2007)
Day 240 – “Concerning my blogging”

My name is Christiaan and this is Day 240 in My Heroin Recovery.

It is 8 months ago that I started this road to recovery. Perhaps not exactly 8 clean months, but I have noticed in the grand scheme of things that it is really not so relevant. What is important is that I decided to change my life 8 months ago. If I didn’t make that decision that day – there would be no recovery to write about today.

I’ve been thinking the past week what I should do concerning my blogging on 24.com. After much consideration I have decided to stay for the time being. I tried out quite a few South African Blogging communities when I started my blog and out of all of them I liked 24.com the most. The people here are noticeably different and I could never imagine saying goodbye to all of them. Perhaps I sound like a bit of a hypocrite having won a place in the BlogOff competition more than once – but I truly hope they will stop the competition. Perhaps then we’ll get more people that actually say things again – it is after all why we are here.

There are still a few “secrets” that haven’t made it to the blog yet, some more consciously than others and I have decided to reveal some of it over the next few days. My other blogs which you may or may not know about on 24.com will also all be moving to this one, as well as my other home on blogspot.

With the changes and some perhaps not so well kept secrets being revealed I hope that everybody that find something useful in my blog will continue to visit it. Not sure if the look will change, not sure what the future will bring to write about – but it will still be about Christiaan and His Heroin Recovery!

Day 238 – “Ashes to Ashes”

2007-07-20T00:00:00.000+02:00

Friday, 20 July 2007
Day 238 – “Ashes to Ashes”

It is the most awful sound I’ve ever heard. Every shovel full of dirt landing on the coffin made it more and more real to me. He wasn’t going to stand up. I wouldn’t be bumping into him in town. His father, his brother, his daughter, his wife – they would never see him again.

I went to a funeral today, my third funeral in just over a year. This was the first time I went to an open grave and I found myself much more emotional than I thought I would be. We weren’t best of friends but we were close enough. He seemed to touch so many people wherever he went always making lasting relationships and friendships. You could see that by the amount of people that attended his funeral.

He was only a few months older than I was and obviously still had his whole life ahead of him. A car accident the weekend claimed his life including that of 6 other people. If you think to yourself that there is a person in this world that least deserves this tragic fate – then it is probably him.

The two previous funerals I was at, I was still using heroin, so the impact of what was happening didn’t really hit me at that time. One tend to realize only at events like these how short life is and the time we have on earth is uncertain to everyone. And more importantly you have to ask yourself if the way you are living is that of a person that touched lives and will be remembered.

Rest in peace my friend, you will be remembered and dearly missed!

Day 236 – “Click, click…”

2007-07-18T00:01:00.000+02:00

Wednesday, 18 July 2007
Day 236 – “Click, click…”

Polokwane has been zooming the past few days with news of a boy and girl that had sex outside one of the clubs we have here. Of course, it was filmed by onlookers and one of the videos was so clear they could make out the identity of the kids. I just saw one of the videos taken and to my surprise it wasn’t in a car as I originally thought. These very drunk or very horny teenagers decided to do it hardly hidden away in a spot close to the entrance of the club. Must say I’ve never had that good of a night out at the club!

I’m still in Polokwane at the moment and unsure as to when I’ll go to Pretoria for training. Meanwhile I’m getting hands on training with the various jobs that need to be completed this side. I am still very happy with the job. It has already thrown me a few curve balls and not one single day has been the same. The worst stress and discomfort from the changes has passed.

I am really sad to hear so many people are leaving the blogging world. Quite a few are saying goodbye completely while a few others have moved to another home. I have to admit that 24.com’s blogs now, compared to the beginning of the year has changed tremendously and regrettably not for the better. Luckily there are still quite a few left that I love to read about and that visit my blog.

I find it so strange to write about the past at the moment. Telling stories of what heroin did to me is so unreal because it feels like a lifetime ago that they happened. Of course, I do still tell them because it reminds me where I came from and warns me never to go back to it again.

As long as there is a recovery to write about, I will write about it. And then maybe one day I’ll get to writing the book everybody says I must write. I have almost 35,000 views in just under 8 months across the servers I blogged on, but I guess it shouldn’t be about how many people read it - It should be more about how many it helps in the end!

Day 234 – “Rumor has it!”

2007-07-16T00:00:00.000+02:00

Monday, 16 July 2007
Day 234 – “Rumor has it!”

I remember thinking to myself how it couldn’t be that bad! It is funny really, when I think about it now: For some reason I thought millions of heroin addicts around the world were just not trying hard enough! A lot of things made me take that first day and for the life of me I cannot remember most of them – but I do know I wasn’t scared of it. I really believed heroin would never get control over me.

I think it is probably the easiest the first time you try to quit because you mistakenly believe that in a few hours it will all be over and that you’ll go on with your life as if nothing happened. You go through the first few hours of pain hoping it will all be over soon, but it only gets worse and worse as the days progress.

When I finally passed a few days of not taking heroin I realized that the fight was only starting. The physical pain, although still there, was much better. The other withdrawal symptoms however were only starting. The rebuilding of a life and relationships, which took no time to destroy, was only now about to start.

Some say I had the strength and the determination to get through those days and months leading up to today. Some say it is because I made the choices that others still need to make. Generally most believe I wouldn’t have done it without my family and friends supporting me. Maybe they are all right; maybe I was just a lucky one.

There are a people that weren’t as lucky. I have known a few heroin addicts over the time I took heroin. Some I have lost contact with completely and I don’t know if they made it or not. Some have lost their lives much too early. Others are literally on borrowed time and still they can’t seem to stop. I’ve heard rumors from more than one person over the past few days that one of these people, who I believe is still taking heroin, is not doing very well. In fact, according to the rumors not good at all.

We were good friends at a stage, but heroin did, as it does with everything else in one’s life, destroy that friendship. We can never be friends again, not while he uses and regrettably not even if he stops. I just wish today that he would stop, and if he has stopped that he will continue to stay clean – before his time runs out and he becomes a statistic.

Day 230 – “Facebook”

2007-07-12T00:00:00.000+02:00

Thursday, 12 July 2007
Day 230 – “Facebook”

I created a facebook profile a while back but only recently started searching for friends. I was contacted by a high school friend in connection with our 10 year reunion next year and I decided to look up some of my high school friends and people I met since then. I was totally amazed at how many I was able to find and since then have started up long lost friendships.

I think it is one of the coolest sites around these days. Not only does it allow you to look up old friends and acquaintances but has all kinds of extra applications you can run to enhance your profile. It even combines facebook with flixster, also one of my favourite sites.

We started a ’24.com blogging group’ on Facebook for those of you that already have profiles there and would like to join. Of course, you lose your anonymity should you wish to join because your identity will be known. It is an open group so anybody is welcome. And if you don’t have a profile yet, I suggest you try it out. You are definitely missing out on something great!

Day 229 – “Unimaginable Scenario”

2007-07-11T00:00:00.000+02:00

Wednesday, 11 July 2007
Day 229 – “Unimaginable Scenario”

My favorite part about coming home to Polokwane at night is the lights. It is a sea of lights in the distance that makes you realize just how big this little struggling city is. You might even forget all its short comings for a brief moment. It still has a long way to go before we’ll compare it to Midrand’s flashy lights, but definitely progressing in the direction. You might ask yourself why I’m talking about Polokwane’s lights if I’m in Pretoria. That is the question indeed!

I went to Pretoria on Monday for two weeks of training. Monday alone I did things I’ve never done before and I realize again just how different this job is from what I’m used to. In my two days in Pretoria I met 4 people from Polokwane, 3 of whom where there on training at other companies – small world hey. I got stuck in a mother of a traffic jam on the R21 on Monday afternoon and I got lost somewhere in the Krugersdorp direction on Tuesday. You just have to love Gauteng!

Half way through Monday the Directors inform me that I have to go back to Polokwane because there is too much work to be completed and I need to help. So, my training was postponed until later this month.

Of course during this week the people close to me have been a bit worried because I look so exhausted. My job is a lot more demanding physically and has a lot more driving – and I’m just not used to it all yet. I understand their concern, though. All these changes could prove too much for me and I could resort back to heroin to break away from it all. I’m aware of the danger but have to admit the thought hasn’t even crossed my mind. In fact, I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d ever take again!

Day 226 – “Back soon”

2007-07-08T00:00:00.000+02:00

Sunday, 8 July 2007
Day 226 – “Back soon”

It would be a bit difficult to tell you exactly in which mood I find myself on this Sunday afternoon. Even though I feel nervous and stressed, when it gets down to it, everything happening in my life at the moment is so nothing but good and optimistic.

My ‘Significant Other’ just left after we got to spend the weekend together. Weekends are about all we have at the moment, but I treasure the time we do get together. My new job threw my normal routine upside down this past week – so even the usual telephone communication were cut to a minimum.

I guess I’m in love. I can’t remember when last I felt this way about anybody and then to have those feelings returned is spectacular. It is still a trial thing at the moment, you know, seeing whether a relationship will be safe and a long distance relationship at that. I don’t feel I can totally put my heart into this yet and run the risk of crushing down to earth and turning to heroin to cope.

My parents have been ultra cool about everything. At times so much that I have to wonder who they are and what they did to my real parents. With work and money and even my newly found love – they seem to be so supportive and trusting towards me. All the more reason not to let them down.

I’ll be going to Pretoria tomorrow morning early for training at my new job. I’ll be gone for two weeks and that means that blogging might not occur during this time. I’m really nervous and stressed about what lies ahead for me. I had a small taste of what my working life will be like in the future and I really believe I made the right choice taking this job.

I’ll be back soon and hope to bring even more good news with the next blog.

Day 222 – “Proud”

2007-07-04T00:00:00.000+02:00

Wednesday, 4 July 2007
Day 222 – “Proud”

My parents were supposed to take leave for three weeks. Due to the strikes in the country (affecting my dad’s leave) and me finding another job (affecting my mom’s leave) the plans haven’t exactly worked out. The situation at my mom’s job also doesn’t make a person feel comfortable leaving for 3 weeks on leave – you might come back and find you haven’t got a job anymore.

So, they cancelled the leave and won’t be going away. I really wanted them to go because I felt that they needed some time away after everything that happened with my addiction last year and now work this year. Perhaps it is a blessing in the end because now I’ll be gone for two weeks when I was supposed to watch the house.

My mom and dad are also celebrating their 28th Wedding Anniversary on Saturday and most couples on this earth would probably give anything to be as happy as they are. They’ve definitely shown me what a relationship should ideally be like and I’m proud to call them my parents.

I know I haven’t exactly been the model son and I have a lot of hurt that I still have to mend. They’ve given me so much, supported me through my addiction and helped me get back on my feet. My biggest achievement in this life will be when I make them proud again to call me their son!

Day 220 – “Baby steps, Giant Leaps”

2007-07-02T00:00:00.000+02:00

Monday, 2 July 2007
Day 220 – “Baby steps, Giant Leaps”

It’s dark outside, darker than I’ve seen Polokwane in a while, then again… it is 3 o’clock in the morning. The weather says 5 degrees and even though I haven’t been outside yet I must say it feels a little warmer. I just woke up. It’s my first day at my new job!

We had a monthly meeting in Pretoria and had to leave early to be there in time. I saw HQ for the first time and was really impressed with the building, the offices and the staff. Definitely very professional and I felt a bit bewildered by the forms and questions and fitting and meetings that went on the whole morning.

I’m a bit scared at what lies ahead for me. The job is not something I am completely used to. In fact, besides a few basic things I know in the field I’m pretty much clueless. So from Monday I’ll be in Pretoria for two weeks while I learn more about my job and field.

This weekend I was allowed out of town completely alone while I visited my newly found ‘significant other’. Next week I’ll be in Pretoria for my new job completely alone again. From baby steps to big leaps and still keeping strong. I don’t think I could ever have imagined it going this good 200 days ago!

Day 217 – “To new beginnings”

2007-06-29T00:00:00.000+02:00

Friday, 29 June 2007
Day 217 – “To new beginnings”

It was exactly a week ago that I was counting down the hours to a weekend in Cape Town and to my first plane flight. Today I am counting down the hours until I say goodbye to a 7 year part of my life. In a few hours I will say farewell to a life and a routine I knew very well and starting a completely new chapter.

I have a mixture of feelings running through my mind today. That of sadness, excitement, nervous anticipation. Most of it only hit me yesterday – I was saying goodbye! So many people around me at the office knew about my addiction and stood by me and my family through this time. I have no doubt that at times some probably thought it would never change. They are as much part of this recovery as I am!

I will be waking up almost 4 hours earlier on Monday to go to my new Head-Office in Pretoria. What lies ahead for me is mostly a mystery and I can only hope to be as happy as I was at my present company. But I find strength in the knowledge that I have overcome gigantic obstacles in my life and will make a success of this aswell.

As an added bonus I’ll be seeing ‘my significant other’ the weekend again after 2 weeks apart. We’ve both been counting down the days and by now the hours until we’ll see each other again. As torturing as it can be to be apart for so long, I still feel that this ‘long distance relationship’ is the safest option for us for now.

The changing of jobs is the start of many changes to follow in the future and hopefully I will look back on these moments after a few months and ask myself why I didn’t do it sooner!

Day 216(1) – “Four Cousins”

2007-06-28T00:00:00.000+02:00

Thursday, 28 June 2007
Day 216(1) – “Four Cousins”

Most of my cousins I haven’t seen in years. I was quickly reminded that one of them of used to change my nappies. Of course, I was a baby at the time – and again felt a bit exposed by this information sharing.

I must honestly say that I haven’t had so much fun in years. Most of them follow the blog so they knew me much better than you would know your estranged cousin living almost 2000kms away. It was asif I stayed around the street. I just wanted to talk and talk all night catching up on what the rest of the family were doing.

My cousins have all made good lives for themselves, starting families, most of them with a loved one to keep them warm at night. My past few years were spent in a state of suspension in a way not really realizing how much everything around you changes. And seeing them noticeably more mature and happy than they were back then – is a great reminder of what I still have to catch up on.

Between the Diemersfontein Chocolate Pinotage (which is by the way one of the best red wines you’ll ever taste) we drank Van Luveren’s Four Cousins. Since we were indeed four cousins there – it was a very appropriate choice. And I got a quick food lesson as a bonus from somebody I now regard as an expert on the subject.

After we consumed way too much food the day and an excessive amount of alcohol during the night we called it a night. It was off to bed again for an early start.