Current Recovery (Saturday, 1 December 2007)
Day 372 – “Avoiding this entry”
It is 1 December 2007 - International Aids Day. I’ve spent most of this day really unaware of the significance of what today is really about to millions of people around the world. I have been tested for AIDS before, but not since I started taking heroin. I haven’t had the courage to go yet. I honestly don’t foresee a problem, since I never really shared needles or had unprotected sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Even so, there is always a possibility and I know I should stop avoiding the problem and face it.
My whole life has been like that: avoiding the problem, avoiding talking or sometimes fighting about the problem, even fixing the problem was sometimes avoided. I guess, some part of me thinks if I avoid it long enough it will just go away. I have found out the hard way that is not the case. The problem never goes away. It always stays there and at the most inopportune time it will pop up again. No problem… I can just avoid it again, right!
Much of my heroin experience I have avoided the real issues. I mean, sometimes I mentioned some of them here but do I really change any of them? Only I know the emotions and feelings, the secrets that don’t even make it to these pages. Only I know the truth behind every decision and every consequence. Only I know… and I know it has to change, something has to change!
It is a bit early to make resolutions for the New Year, but I’m giving myself an extra month to do it. I know if I try and sort out the problems in my life instead of running away from them many other things will fall into place. I guess the 1st of December is about making more of the time we have on this earth and looking after ourselves to make sure we have enough time to complete what we have to do here. Perhaps I see the significance of it afterall.
Day 372 – “Avoiding this entry”
Day 370 – “The last road”
Current Recovery (Thursday, 29 November 2007)
Day 370 – “The last road”
I have always seen it as a last resort. When all other avenues have been exhausted… then… and only then do we venture on this forbidden road. I mean, addicts go to Rehabs right. Oh ye… now I remember. I am one!
I have had to make peace with the fact that most alternate roads have already been traveled. In fact I left those roads in an awful state with vandalized road signs, fainting paint and huge pot holes. Rehab is one of the last remaining ones.
So, obviously I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. If I am honest with myself I have to admit that I need professional help in some way or form. Even with my remarkable recovery the first time around, I spent my fair share in depressing depths. I always figured I would see somebody professional when I’m back on my feet financially. Unfortunately this latest drug binge left me in a very bad way with many financial institutions and I don’t see that happening soon.
Even before my heroin addiction I have always made it a point never to just miss work for any reason. I rarely take holidays and I rarely stay home sick. Even with my recovery last time I didn’t miss one day of work to stay at home and recover. I had a heroin addict friend who constantly took off from work always with some kind of excuse, usually he was at home withdrawing from heroin. In the end he quit his job and went to rehab. Unfortunately he came back only to start the habit again and he hasn’t been able to keep a job since.
I have seriously considered rehab or something similar but I feel very strong about this one thing. I can’t just quit my job. My job is very important to me and it is one of the few things keeping me from totally losing my mind. There is also a new project starting in 2008 which I might be in charge off – so things are looking up in that area. And to be totally honest there is no guarantee any attempt at rehab would even work.
I have already made up my mind regarding the issue and will share it with you in due time. In the mean time however, I would love to hear your views about this if you consider what I mentioned about my job. It is always nice to get an opinion of what ‘the public’ thinks and since I regard many of you as close friends it makes your opinion all the more important.
Day 368 – “Chasing the dragon”
Current Recovery (Tuesday, 27 November 2007)
Day 368 – “Chasing the dragon”
I am currently reading a book by Steve Hamilton called ‘I want my life back’. It is the second time I am reading it and it truly is a scary and inspirational story about drug addiction in general but specifically the viciousness of heroin addiction and recovery. The sad thing is I read this book the first time BEFORE I started injecting heroin. I was only smoking it at that time. Even my best friend at the time was living a life which mirrored much of what happened to Steve and none of that raised warning flags to me. I still injected it for some reason thinking it won’t happen to me. I think a lot of heroin addiction stories starts of like that.
My blog sites on 24.com, BlogSpot and Facebook all look a bit different from this week. In addition to the physical appearance I have decided to start including more stories of my past drug experiences – after all, those experiences created the person I am today. I originally thought of keeping them all for the book (the one I am still supposed to right about my recovery). Recent events however proved to me that my life story and my story about recovery is very far from finished and when I start writing the book there will be more than enough experiences to include in there…
For the moment I will just keep to my blog entries. Due to my busy work on the road the blog posts are often a bit late. I apologize for that. My office is closing in 2 weeks for the Christmas Holidays. I’ll be on standby and helping out at my old job. So, I’m sure things will run more smoothly then.
Lastly, something new again on the blog is ‘Q&A’. I have recently been bombarded with questions and felt maybe a lot of other people are wondering about the same things. So, please feel free to ask your questions by sending them to tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za and I’ll answer them once a week on the blog.
Check you all tomorrow again.
Day 366 – “All I want for Christmas”
Current Recovery (Sunday, 25 November 2007)
Day 366 – “All I want for Christmas”
It is Sunday - a month before Christmas. I have ruined yet another weekend for my family. I don’t need to give much detail, since we all know my repetious destructive cycle off by heart by now. My million too many chances are up. I will discuss more about this and my decision regarding rehab during the week.
I have been slowly moving away from my friends and family into my own little secluded corner. Heroin is definitely not a drug that you take with a bunch of people unlike ecstasy or cocaine which is usually at its best the more people you have around you. I spent last night with my two best friends, more company than I've had in weeks. They met each other through one of my famous parties (in the time when we still had them). The parties were normally something many people looked forward to every year and of course had their share of brilliant music, many unknown and uninvited faces, alcohol and of course other substances. For a very long time “having fun” was something I couldn’t do without drugs. Right now I’ll just settle for “feeling normal”.
After talking to my friends last night I realized just how much this has affected them, even with my slow recoil into darkness. They have stood by me through all of this last time and this time but unsurprisingly their patience is now wearing very thin. And even though I truly admire and appreciate their dedicated friendship it is the support and patience of my parents that I find nothing short of a miracle.
My friends, I think, at the worst of times only get a fraction of what is really going on. My family however is living with it in their faces day by day, they feel the full extend of it and still they've found ways to help me through it.
All I keep thinking is how this all should have gone down differently. My mother’s birthday last month and mine at the end of it. My new life with my new job and new boyfriend. This celebration of a year in recovery and even the Christmas celebration – it all should have been so different. We won’t be doing much regarding presents this year and even though slightly cliché, I know that the biggest gift I can give anybody close to me or even myself is just getting clean again.
Day 365 – “Starting with a cup of coffee”
My Heroin Recovery (Saturday, 24 November 2007)
Day 365 – “Starting with a cup of coffee”
I just made myself a cup of coffee. I can’t remember when last I had something which was as routine in my life as brushing teeth or going to work. These days none of it means the same to me. Nothing is the same. I know I am not. The people that know me the best keep telling me how much I have changed, how much I disappoint them and how quickly I am killing myself.
I find it strange and weird to be writing this entry tonight. It is 24 November 2007 and exactly a year go today I started my Heroin Recovery. For the past few months I’ve been trying to remember what drove me to that day, where I got the will to start and the strength to continue. It is 12 months later and I find myself exactly where I started. The relationships I was still trying to build up, the trust I never really got back in the same way, even the money that lied spent on a feeling I could never seem to have again – all of it destroyed again!
My blogging has been quiet, I know! I should apologize for the silence but to tell you the truth I’ve spent so much time apologizing lately that it doesn’t mean much. I’ve even started to believe my own lies. I started blogging again because I still have a lot to say. Right now, I don’t know how to say half of what I feel or even a fraction of what is going on in my life. And to be honest I don’t know how many people are left to even listen or read. My friends and family are at a point I have never seen them. Frightening to think you’ve driven people to ends they never thought they could ever go. I am that person.
I am a heroin addict. No matter what I tell you in the next few days or what I try and do about it in the weeks to follow – that fact will not change. Even so, I find amazing comfort in posting another blog entry tonight. You see… as long as I make entries on this blog I am more than just a heroin addict – I am a heroin addict in recovery!
