Sunday, 25 November 2006 - Day 2 - "Deja Vu"
I’m hurting… badly. There isn’t a part of me that isn’t hurting right now. Physically it feels like the flesh is being ripped from my bones. I’ve got goose bumps all over my skin, I feel every thing, every bump and every one of them hurts. Emotionally I’m just about to quit. The tears keep coming and the reasons for them are abundant. I just came from a 40-minute ‘what a disappointment you are!’ session with the folks. Once again I stood by while my character was ripped apart by people hurting so badly, hurt that I caused and keep on causing by my actions.
They say I’m weak – and truthfully I can’t really argue. I cracked, gave up – once again – and tried to score. My mom and dad have learned some of the tricks, most of them by now and stopped me in time. And although I look back at the events of the past hour gratefully it did not come without its expense. I displayed just once again the kind of person I’ve turned into and the lengths I would go to for my drugs.
I ask myself: ”Why?”. Why is it that once more a Saturday, a week, a life is ruined by my selfish actions. For that moment, that brief moment where I have my love in my arm, I think only of myself. I do the stupidest things to the most loving people and for what? Why? To slowly kill myself – that is why! To feel good for a few minutes and bad for days. Where is the logic in that?
I sit here with regret for the things that I have done. For the things that happened just now or this morning, yesterday or last week. I sit here with genuine intention to change, to try harder this time, to not give in to this poison, again. But I say that with a sort of deja-vu to it because I’ve been here before many times, I’ve said it before many times. Just for today I really mean it!
Day 2 - "Deja Vu"
Day 1 - "I remember"
Friday, 24 November 2006 - Day 1 - "I remember"
I remember a time when I woke up early in the mornings, energized and eager to start the day. I couldn’t wait to go to work and share my day with the same old faces and interesting new ones I would meet along the way. That was a time when I could come and go as I pleased with no question as to my actions or regret by me when they are done.
I remember money in the bank. It wasn’t much but it was there. I worked hard for it, every cent of it and I never stole a thing. It was a time when I had friends – real friends. Those that wanted to spend every moment with me because I was good conversation. Those that answered their phones when they saw your number because they knew you weren’t just using them or stealing from them. Those that weren’t ashamed to be seen with you in public.
I remember my mother and father. Two happy people who loved, trusted and respected me. Who slept at night because they didn’t worry about what their son was up to. Who cried when they saw a heartbreaking movie and not because they were hurt or disappointed yet again. I remember a brother who spoke to me like we were best friends and didn’t ignore me like the plague.
I remember a day a long time ago when I would never have used heroin. The thought of heroin or a needle - it was unthinkable. I remember that day because I was not relying on anybody to feel normal or happy or in control. I didn’t spend hours waiting for dealers just to have a moment of gratification. Cravings were for chocolates and I could handle my emotions.
Yes, I remember a life. I don’t know if I can ever have it again. But this is me trying... this is Day One!
