Friday, 15 June 2007
Day 203 - "Ninety-nine percent"
I’ve got the earphones on my head and a piano solo from Titanic is booming in my ears. For this moment there is nothing else in my head. It’s just me and soothing, relaxing music slowly pushing me into a very nostalgic longing for somebody I’ve probably never met before.
I’ve always been ready to find love. I always knew that if it had to rest its feet on my porch I would welcome it with open arms because without a doubt I would be ready for it. Of course, gullible old me, pulled the short straw on many occasion and got hurt over and over again by people that weren’t as dedicated to a relationship as I was.
I recently met somebody that could potentially turn into a love interest. I didn’t really go looking for it but it happened anyway. It saddens me to say that for once I cannot give a 100% in a relationship in much the same way as all those ‘significant others’ could never give me their all. And it is not that I don’t see a future for us, it’s just me not having the strength to commit to a relationship at the moment.
Perhaps it is more than just the possible relationship. Work is really an unsure minefield at the moment. And since I’m technically looking for other work all those worries about my future employment, CVs and Jobs Interviews, Questions and right or wrong answers, takes a lot out of me.
I have come a long way from where I was 200 days ago. The old me would have jumped at the chance of being in a relationship regardless of where it landed me in a week or two. The new me – well, he is going to make sure he never relives the past few months even if that means passing on love for now!
Day 203 - "Ninety-nine percent"
Advertising!
After I did a post this weekend that I was looking for new job, a lot of my blogger friends asked more details thinking that maybe they know of something available in their company. I don’t feel right to shamelessly advertise my CV on the blog, so I’ll just give a short description.
I can do Computer Programming, IT Software Support, IT Technical Support and Software Training. I also have an accounting background and can do debtors, creditors and cashbook upto and including complete financial statements. And of course, not forgetting that on a good day I can actually write aswell.
There you go… a bit of advertising on my side. I’m available on tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za should anybody require more info!
Day 200 - "Two hundred!"
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
Day 200 - "Two hundred!"
I guess the best thing about having a blog about your recovery is you can always go back and check how you felt on a specific day or more importantly check how you progressed over time. Today I can proudly say it is Day 200 in My Heroin Recovery!
It is strange reading something I posted a while back. I put a lot of honesty and emotion in some of the posts and I can remember exactly what I felt on the day I wrote it. Guess I hope that is what other people get out of it as well – being able to relate to a topic they might not agree with or understand.
The first 50 days was a real struggle to get through compared to the speed they are flying by these days. Again, proof that I am in a much happier place in my life now. Or at least in other areas than work.
The stress levels at work is at an all time high again. The stress and uncertainty hangs in a thick cloud above us all. Everybody here, including my bosses, knows I’m aggressively looking for other work and it feels asif that complicates things even more. The excitement and eagerness to go to the office disappeared a few weeks back for a lot of people here.
Stress played a big factor in my recurring heroin take in the past. Even the last time I lapsed it was because I felt overwhelmed by the stress of the restructuring at the office and the future of my employment. This time the circumstances seem to be worse and even so I can proudly say that I will not be running towards heroin this time. Funny how much one can grow in 50 days or a 100 days or 200 days! Just imagine where I’ll be in another 200 days!
Day 199 - "To tell or not to tell!"
Monday, 11 June 2007
Day 199 - "To tell or not to tell!"
I’ve been following the blog of Travis Lane for a while now. I try not to miss an entry and always find it interesting to read. He recently revealed a secret to his new girlfriend and I guess to everybody in blogworld. She was shocked at the news and as far as I know hasn’t spoken to him since.
As I mentioned before my best friend in Pretoria and my ex also in the Pretoria area doesn’t know about my heroin addiction and recovery. It is difficult to reveal something important like this to a valued friend over the phone, so I’m waiting until I see them in August. But I am really nervous about telling them because as Travis also proved on his blog, you don’t always know how things will turn out and how people will react.
On the one hand we’ve been friends for years and we all know each other very well. Something like this should not really come between a friendship like that. On the other hand they mean too much for me to take that chance. The same question arises when I meet new people. At this very moment I have a new friend who doesn’t know about the heroin part of my life yet. I don’t really know when the best time is to reveal something like this.
Let’s face it! My lifestyle is still not that of a free man yet. I have limits, rules and curfews. I am checked up on and have to report back very often. These actions, especially for a 26 year old man, will seem very suspicious to somebody that doesn’t know my story.
I find qualities like communication and honestly very important both in friendships and in relationships. I am not a big fan of starting a friendship on a bunch of lies, deception or complete silence. Still, this is a delicate issue by any person’s assessment. Do, I tell people I meet about this part of my life when I meet them, only when we know each other much better or not at all?
Day 198 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
Sunday, 10 June 2007
Day 198 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
I woke up Friday morning at 06:30am, which is about an hour later than usual. I could do this because I had the day off. Of course, sleeping late to me means getting out of bed before 07:00am, which is very different from what it meant to me last year!
Sleeping or waking up were two very different things when I was a heroin addict. Even though most heroin addicts have insomnia, I rarely had a problem falling asleep or sleeping through the night. Sleep signaled a time where I wasn’t craving, using or withdrawing from heroin and those nights when I didn’t drink tranquilizer pills to finally get to sleep or didn’t dream of heroin were the most peaceful nights ever.
Waking up, was when the hell started again. From the moment I opened my eyes my whole body ached and I was looking for one thing – of course, heroin. On the days when I knew I was housebound and couldn’t go anywhere I just wanted to close my eyes and drift away in an endless sleep. Some days I only slept with the help of a hand full of medication. No sleeping pills seemed to help. And on the lucky days when I could leave the house it was just a countdown until I pressed the dealer’s speeddial number!
I am back to the sleeping routine I had before heroin which is usually no later than 07:00am. Even when I sleep over at a friend’s house after a late night I still wake up round about then, and sit alone for 2-3 hours before the rest of them wake up.
Quite a different way of living, I think. From wishing I could sleep eternally free from heroin, to waking up as early as possible to embrace the day. That’s what I call recovery!
