Saturday, 27 January 2007 – Day 65/47 – “Resurrection (By my friend Kay)”
Falling, falling helplessly
Hurting, hurting endlessly
Collapsing, collapsing unusually
Feeling, feeling perpetually
Recovering, recovering increasingly
In the end…
There is only you better than any drug!
Give up all drugs, you must
Listen to me my friend
A drug is a fiend
Your life is too precious
Drugs can just give some joy
You can't always enjoy.
I can see far. . .
I can reach out almost touch you
You stand looking beautiful
In this less then beautiful world
This world, this old world
Filled with young fools
Who have an answer
For all the troubles of the day ?
They kill their mind with drugs
Foolish youth, wasted youth!
This sick sad addiction
Can't bring the best in you
Crushed you to dumps
Without it your life is empty once you thought
and maybe even now. . .
But, What it gave you ?
You've lost everything and more
Now you sit in a room
Wondering. . .
All the drugs in this world
Smirk at you
Remember, the one thing they can't do
Is the one thing that you want
Life. . .
Suffer. . .Suffer
Cry. .Cry
Don't feel any shame
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;
The most massive characters are seamed with scars
Through the tears have the sorrowful first seen the gates of Heaven.
Say no to drugs and save your life
Say no to drugs, they are not your fulfilment
Say no to drugs and save your future
You have a dream, make it come true!
Posted with permission by my friend Kay, dedicated to me!
Day 65/47 – “Resurrection (By my friend Kay)”
Picture of my Car Door!
This is a picture of the front driver side where I was hit. This is basically the worst, although the back door will probably need fixing aswell. Still waiting to hear how much the damage will be...
Day 64/46 – “SAPD - Sadly A Protracted Department"
Friday, 26 January 2007 – Day 64/46 – “SAPD - Sadly A Protracted Department”
My intention was to start today’s blog by telling you how impressed I was with the SAPD in Polokwane. Within 5-7 minutes we had them, the medics, tons of spectators and of course the tow trucks there. Everything went very smoothly. The policeman filled out the paperwork, took both our details and report on the incident. He told us to phone after two the following day to get the case number.
So… forward to two o’clock yesterday afternoon. I phoned the local police office and after 12 minutes of paging through the book (which seemed to start at 1985) he still didn’t find anything. I decided to phone back this morning and again exactly the same story. Either he is paging through a Harry Potter book or… my accident report got lost somewhere.
Now, I wasn’t on drugs and I wasn’t drinking, but I was in shock. I didn’t get the other guy’s details or the policeman’s details. It was the first time I was in an accident like this and I couldn’t even remember my dad’s phone number to phone him – so I guess I wasn’t thinking clearly. So at this point, it seems… the police department has not failed again in their reputation of being incompetent and useless. Now... I will have to go into the police station anyway and fill in an accident report AGAIN having no details of the other party.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about yesterday’s post. I wrote the blog entry about an hour after the accident. I was still very upset. I look at how bad the door is where the car hit me and I know that having minor injuries is a miracle and blessing. And even in that situation taking heroin didn’t cross my mind once. Heroin, as a nervous system depressant, helps for pain – so it would have been so easy to just take heroin instead of dealing with it.
But, I am alive. I am not badly hurt and I didn’t take heroin. These are all things I should be happy and proud of – and I am! Thank you to the tons of e-mails I received yesterday. The support system I have not only for my troubled heroin times but for troubled times in general is amazing. I thank you all very much and have a great weekend!
Day 63/45 – “Balancing the scales”
Thursday, 25 January 2007 – Day 63/45 – “Balancing the scales”
It is just like 100 days ago, 63 days ago, 45 days ago. No matter what I do, karma, God, whoever you think is the higher power in your life is getting back at me. It is so wrong to think it, but maybe I should just have died. When our cars collided yesterday… maybe I should just have died!
I was in a car accident last night. I am okay, except for a sore leg where the car hit me. The medics checked me out and nothing is broken but my muscles are so sore I can hardly move my leg or walk on it. I have a few bruises and cuts, but other than that I’m still alive. My car, however, doesn’t look that good. If you look at the car I think it is a miracle that I wasn’t hurt badly. My doors, my dash, even the umbrella in my boot (totally on the other side of the car) was broken in bits. My windows all broke from the impact and even the glasses on my face were propelled from my face onto the other car.
I stood there thinking… I don’t have the energy for this, my mother, my father – they don’t have the energy for this. We are still going through on of the most challenging things I think can happen to a family or a person, last week saw the changes at work which has us all stressed to high levels and now, literally with a BANG comes the next problem. They don’t deserve this – BUT I DO!
I have done many wrongs in my life, especially towards my family and I think the scales needs a lot of work before they will ever balance. I have been flooded by people thanking me for my stories, the reality of it, my courage, my honesty and I sooth my conscience by thinking that at least I am doing good by writing this blog. Every day I am one day closer to repaying my debt. These blogs aren’t only my biggest saviour but for many, my life, my reality has shown them that they too can lead a better life.
This isn’t exactly the better life they were referring to, but yet again the writer(s) of my life story keeps me on my toes. I know these are all material things so I am very fortunate not to be hurt badly. Still this feeling of guilt hangs over me today like the rain clouds in this country at the moment. I know until I balance the scales everybody around me, especially my family, will still hurt and suffer!
Day 62/44 – “Isle C – Lives on special”
Wednesday, 24 January 2007 – Day 62/44 – “Isle C – Lives on special”
I went shopping this weekend to get some groceries for my mother. The only time I used to go shopping was on my Woolies card buying overly expensive items for myself I didn’t need. I used to buy a lot of stuff on top of all the cash I was withdrawing. It made me feel better when the realization of the live I was leading, was setting in.
This weekend wasn’t a shopping spree of guilt or feeling better. It was actually a grown-up task (if you want to call it that). It was like I was living on my own doing the weekly or monthly shopping of essentials before I go home to my place and just hang.
Don’t get me wrong. I am incredibly happy living with my parents. There was a time last year I told them I would move out. If they want me to, I would go. My heroin addiction was ripping the family apart and I couldn’t stop it – not at the time. I would rather live on the street somewhere than do to my parents what I did to them daily.
Of course, had they allowed me to make that choice I would have been dead or in jail by now – guaranteed. Now, much more than ever I am glad that I am here with them.
Joining yesterday’s conversation about ending up a 40 year old bachelor, I would prefer not to be living with my parents either when I’m 40. That would just be a perfect picture, wouldn’t it! My cats, my parents and I – in one house. Again, my actions have set me back so much I won’t afford a place of my own anytime soon.
I love going shopping – even when I’m buying groceries. I’ve thought maybe it’s the people. I just love looking at them, especially the cute ones (hey, I’m human), trying to figure out their story - their life. Do they look at me – trying to figure out mine? Or maybe I like it because for that brief moment I am just like everybody else again!
Day 61/43 – “On the couch: Alone"
Tuesday, 23 January 2007 – Day 61/43 – “On the couch: Alone”
I like cactus plants. I had three of them – they all died.
What am I afraid of - Being alone! I’m afraid of ending up a 40 year old bachelor who can count the amount of serious relationships he has had on one hand and still have fingers left.
There was a long time ago when I used to go out at night looking for people to meet. Like if I looked hard enough and in the right places I would find somebody – anybody! Every night ended miserably because my purpose was to find someone and I seemed to waste every night while I pointlessly searched and found no-one.
I wasn’t a model. I didn’t look like a movie star – I would never look like one. But I wasn’t ugly; I was a good guy with a great personality. I realized one day that if I spent my life looking for someone the whole time I would end up miserable and alone anyway. So, I changed. I started living like I was the only one that made myself happy – I didn’t need a “better half” to make me better.
The city I live in is small. The options are limited. My self-esteem is very low. And I am going through heroin recovery. Seems like I am just adding to the long list of obstacles that will keep me from finding anybody.
I am mentioning this and you might be thinking what this has got to do with my heroin recovery. I sat a large part of this weekend thinking about the disease I have called addiction. How my addiction has been one thing, then another, then another. It simply won’t go away until I find the problem! Seeing as I am totally in debt I can’t afford to see a physiatrist right now. So, the next best thing has been sitting on the blog-couch telling my story for the past 60 days.
Today, this is my story. A story about an insecure, hopeless romantic that thinks there is still good and love in the world. I believe that, because I’m still here. After all that happened, after all my sins, I am still here, with more love than ever to give. And as unappreciated as it might sound right now… I’m afraid… afraid of being here 14 years from now – still very much alone!
Day 60/42 - "A bit of traffic"
Monday, 22 January 2007 - Day 60/42 - "A bit of traffic"
I don’t think I’m strong enough for that yet. I have thought about it, but it is just too dangerous. To most it would seem harmless enough but to me it is waving a carrot in front of a donkey. There are three movies I would like to see again, very much. Due to the topic of the movies – I am avoiding them for the moment.
“Trainspotting”, “Requiem for a Dream” and “Basketball Diaries” are some of the most brilliant drug stories you’ll ever see – especially about heroin addiction. “Basketball Diaries” was the first time Mark Wahlberg (who I knew from Calvin Klein underwear modeling) and Leonardo di Caprio (who I first saw on Growing Pains in 1992) worked together. They, along with one of my other favorite actors Matt Damon worked on a movie together again – “The Departed”. It is an absolutely brilliant piece of work. I sat through the 150 minute movie hoping it would never end.
Without giving anything about the plot away it is essentially about two people working under cover, leading double lives. I find the concept of a “double life” very intriguing. As I walked out of the movie I thought of how my own life was lived almost like a double life for a very long time. By myself I was a heroin addict, I stole, manipulated, cheated – all to keep my addiction going. Among my friends I pretended to be okay, like I wasn’t taking or wasn’t craving. In front of my family I was either trying to get clean or totally clean – that was my double life.
In the movie there is one line I want to quote: “I want my identity back…” Leonardo said this and I sat there saying the same to myself. Seven years ago my life went on a detour along a path that lead me to drugs. I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to find my way back to the highway – which is the proper course of my life - my identity! Then again, maybe the road I took wasn’t a detour – maybe all that happened was destined to happen this way and I’ve been on the highway this whole time – just getting a bit of traffic!
Day 59/41 - "Poll/Discussion 3"
Sunday, 21 January 2007 - Day 59/41 - "Poll/Discussion 3"
“Have you read my blog before?” that was the poll question for the past two weeks. Thank you to the almost 600 people that visited my blogspot page and to the 91 people that took the time to vote.
The results are:
I never miss an entry (63%)
I’ve read it a few times and find it very informative (20%)
It is the first time I’ve read it (12%)
I’ve stumbled apon it a few times (5%)
Thank you again to those that participated. The next two weeks is more of a discussion. Comment, e-mail whatever you need to do, but I would like the world’s input on this:
What do people do on weekdays, Fridays, Saturdays when no drugs or alcohol can be involved?
For most this might seem a simple question. To a person living in a very small city with limited entertainment, who has made drugs part of his live for 6 years – this is slightly harder.
