"The faces of heroin"

Monday, 21 January 2008
Current Recovery - "The faces of heroin"

I’ve been staring at the mirror for what feels like hours, maybe a few days. I don’t think I will know the difference anymore. Time has changed for me: It is either an extreme, agitated rush where every single person seems to taunt me with their lingering movement or I am the guilty that seem to unhurriedly hover around dead to the world, to my family and to myself.

I try and remember what my face looked like 3 years ago, which lines, wrinkles or spots were there a week ago or yesterday and which only appeared today. I try and find that look in my eyes, that optimistic look that used to shine through in everything I did. All I see now is dead pinned eyes.

I stopped at the dealer a while back and just as I was driving off another woman stopped her car to also get heroin. I got the impression she was a young woman but her face looked 10 times older. I had no idea how long she had been taking heroin but every single hit seemed to be engraved on her face. I was looking at my future – if I even lived that long!

There are a lot of signs around me at the moment showing me that I need to change my life. I see them and most of the time there is genuine intention to do whatever it will take to get my life back. I will tell you this: I am scared, scared of every action, scared of each re-action and consequence, scared of the withdrawal pain and the leg pain that will follow for months afterwards, scared of the depression and rollercoaster emotions, scared of the emptiness, the longing and the craving. Thinking about any of this just makes me crave heroin again… a vicious cycle indeed!