My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 9 November 2007)
Day 350/21 – “Writing with my eyes closed”
I watched Brothers and Sisters last night. It has fast become one of my favourite TV programs ever. I must say there is a part of me that can relate to each one of the brothers or sisters on the program. Obviously the drug addict in me relates more with Jason (the wash out drug addict currently in Rehab) and the gay part of me relates better with Kevin (the gay lawyer). Last night Kevin made friends with a ‘straight guy’ at gym who unexpectedly kissed him while they hanging out and then they let… well... let other things hang out. That part I can definitely relate to. Whether it is something to be proud of or not, I’m not sure. But exactly the same thing has happened quite a few times with me in the past. One thing I can say is there is nothing else in the world that makes you feel as alive as such as experience. Unfortunately, just like Kevin when you reach the next day they chose to forget and the magnificent experience is just a memory that only you seem to remember.
I have become an expert on hiding my true feelings when it comes to certain people and after years of drug addiction, certain things. Heroin addiction made me a cheater and betrayer out of me. Such a good one, infact, that I could fool most people at any given time. Unfortunately hiding that part doesn’t leave you feeling excited at all… eventually it only hurts feelings and breaks relationships.
Luckily, and my friends will confirm this, I have always been better in expressing my feelings on paper. Perhaps that is why blogging was such a good idea. I don’t think a verbal diary would have gotten anywhere close to the truths revealed on the blog. Maybe it is because I can’t see who is reading my blog when I’m typing it. You see, then there is nobody to look in the eyes and instinctively lie to. If that is the case I’ll close my eyes and I’ll type pretending that nobody is watching. At least not watching how I fall and fail but rather standing behind me and help me get up!
Day 350/21 – “Writing with my eyes closed”
Day 349/20 – “Writers Block”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 8 November 2007)
Day 349/20 – “Writers Block”
I have so much to say, not only about my recovery but general things which other people also blog about. Whenever I try and put some of the words in my head on paper or pixels on the computer screen nothing seems to come out right. Every word or every sentence just comes out wrong. I’m not sure if it is writer’s block because I actually think I have a lot of things to write about – for some reason though it isn’t working on paper.
I have not been feeling very well the past few days. I realize just all to well the damage heroin has caused yet again. My body is broken in too many places to mention, the scary part is most of those places I am not even aware of yet. My days are still very up and down. Today is good, tomorrow may not be. What gets me through some days is knowing that after a few tomorrows it will eventually get better.
I am sorry for being so quiet lately. The office has exploded with work and I am more out of town than I am in town. There are so much new things happening. As soon as I am sure it is not just talk I’ll talk about some of it here. All I can say now is that once again I have been given an amazing chance. A chance to do what I love, a chance to be a better employee and a chance to make up for my previous wrongs.
I have been given a lot of chances lately. Some days I don’t know if I deserve any of them and I see it as a miracle that my friends and family are still there helping me. My best friend phones me everyday to check up on me. My parents check everyday if I’m okay and what they can do to help me. I know the biggest gift I can give any of them is to get better. I know right now that is the biggest gift I can give myself!
