Day 30/12 - "3, 7, 11"

Saturday, 23 December 2006 - Day 30/12 - "3, 7, 11"

I came across an interesting term yesterday: “3, 7, 11.” It is the first time that I’ve heard the term and thought I’d share. Apparently it is quite popular in the drug recovery world and I was amazed how fitting it was in my own life.

The term “3, 7, 11” refers to periods in your drug recovery - days, weeks, months, years. Most addicts either fail on days 3, 7 and 11 or find it most difficult on those days. Again on week 3, 7, 11, month 3, 7, 11 and year 3, 7, 11. This is, of course, a fight which will continue for the rest of my life. A disease that will fight to be part of my life again and all I can do is try and keep it under control. Even so, it is apparently the easiest after the 11 years.

I thought of my recovery since originally starting. Up to recently the longest I had been clean was 8 days. Try as I may during the months of my recovery I could never get past the 7/8 day barrier. On most other occasions I lasted only 2 or at most 3 days.

Even the recent lapse, although a few days off, was close. My friend, who I spoke about in an earlier blog, who died of heroin addiction was clean for 3 months before he relapsed and started taking again: “3, 7, 11”

It is just interesting to find this out. Whether it is just a co-incidence or if there are really some truth in it, I don’t know but at least I know to be extra careful around those days!

Day 29/11 - "If Olives made you High"

Friday, 22 December 2006 - Day 29/11 - "If Olives made you High"

Something snapped that night. Right there, right then – I wanted heroin. I took twice that morning and it was starting to wear off. I could feel the slight hints of withdrawal setting in and my brain was making plans to score again.

I was at a concert with my mom and dad. It was one of the only times in the past year that they could go out. It seemed like they could trust me and that I was clean – but of course I wasn’t. I had been using the whole week, stealing money and sneaking the heroin in as much as I could. Every day came with new hopes that tomorrow would be the day, the day that I quit, the day I stayed clean. But that day would always be tomorrow and right now – I wanted heroin.

I phoned my friend, GM. He was my saviour in times like these: times when my movements were being watched too closely or times when I didn't have access to my car. There were many times that he picked me up and we took a drive through town to go get heroin or crack or whatever else was available. This time he wasn't answering, he was probably doing what I was supposed to be doing - withdrawing from heroin.

So, I didn't have transport, my friend couldn't help me and the closest dealer was 2km away. With only a few minutes to spare before anybody would notice I was gone I made a run for it. I ran the +/- 2kms in just under 4 minutes. I don’t think I ever ran that fast before and it was by far the most exercise I got in a year. What went through my mind or how I thought I could pull it off is still a mystery to me!

My parents phoned. It had been 20 minutes since I disappeared from the concert and I was in trouble. I was 2kms away, sore from the running and high. Needless to say the night turned out a disaster. It was only the next day that I looked back at the events of the night and I realized just what I had done. If I stopped to think about any of what I was doing I would have realized how absurd it was and stopped. But of course, drug addicts aren’t famous for their clear rational thinking!

There were many nights that we travelled long distances for our drugs. Sometimes we drove to towns 60kms away, sometimes 4-5 times a night just to get drugs. When we wanted drugs the distance, the effort and the wait didn’t matter at all. It reminded me of one night a friend had a craving for olives. Nobody wanted to drive to the nearest shop to buy some. But if it had been ecstasy or cocaine we would have been in the car already speed dialing the dealer. Then again… if olives made you high perhaps we would have done the same!

Day 28/10 - "Four Weeks"

Thursday, 21 December 2006 - Day 28/10 - "Four Weeks"

It has been 4 whole weeks since I’ve started my Heroin Recovery. It is a bit anti-climactic to celebrate 28 days when the number 10 is right there next to it reminding me of my failure. Even so, I am more optimistic, positive and eager than ever to continue this fight and beat the 18 days I’ve been clean.

I know that I am not responsible for my recovery alone. The first and last decision might lie with me, but it is what happens in between that makes all the difference. It is the family spread out across the country, the friends in this and other cities, my parents and my brother who has brought me to this day. They have all been helping me, supporting me – some of them not being able to lead normal lives since I made these wrong decisions in my own life.

Yesterday, because of a busy day at work, I wasn’t able to post my blog entry during the day as usual. Funny thing happened, people started contacting me asking if I was okay. They weren’t used to the late posting and figured something was up. It was a real eye opener, a reminder, not so much of the fact that there are people out there keeping an eye on my progress, people who are also disappointed when I fail, but a reminder that they are also there supporting me, helping me and praying for me.

I will always keep the counters at the top of this page as a reminder of how long I’ve been in my recovery and how long I’ve been clean. I can only hope never to reset any of the counters again. But the counters are reminder of so much more. A reminder of the amount of time I’ve spent on these blogs meeting people – people that have become my strength, my sponsors and my friends!

Day 27/9 - "Stupified"

Wednesday, 20 December 2006 - Day 27/9 - "Stupified"

We look at each other. No, dead pin-pointed pupils lying without blinking. No gazing eyes showing no sign of remorse. His eyes are no longer rejecting, renouncing, hurting eyes, drained and disowning eyes on the verge of giving up the fight. No, for now it is only the eyes of a father and son looking at each other.

I was caught of guard when he asked me how I’m doing. The topic is rarely discussed these days. I think that it has featured as the main topic in the household for so long that most would rather just forget. We might not talk about it, but it remains in the thoughts of us all. It hovers in the decision making and it still frightens us in our worst nightmares. Heroin is long gone but the affects will not disappear so easily.

I’ve been concentrating so much on my recovery, my surroundings, my work that I haven’t stopped to think how I’m really doing. I mean… really doing?! Am I pounding these feelings into a closet in the back of my mind in an effort to cope or am I really making progress. So… how am I doing?

I haven’t felt better in years. I don’t think I felt this good before I started taking heroin. Every little thing holds a suggestion of excitement that makes me want to hop and up down like an energizer bunny. Every monotonous thing electrified by my very first experience of everything, everyone… all over again.

It could be some of the medicine I'm still on... or maybe it is just the right time of year. Christmas and New Year is such an exciting time of year. Festive, joyous, fun and of course, the start of new beginnings!

Day 26/8 - "Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 2)"

Tuesday, 19 December 2006 - Day 26/8 - "Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 2)"

Continues from Part 1

I lost my love. The love that came so close to me through the lies and pretenses I couldn’t see. Pushing me away from my family, my friends – until only one remained. My best friend – GM.

I never took heroin if GM wasn’t with me. We were like the three musketeers: GM, Heroin and Me. We would meet in the mornings before work and took our first hit. Some lunches if the cravings were too bad or the withdrawal setting in, we would sneak away for a hit. And in the evenings after work we would meet up again and take once more. Our lives became pretty predicable, taking drugs and passing the time in between.

Both of us tried to stop many times. We had to do it without medicine or doctors since we couldn’t afford either one. Even if we had money, it would all be spend on drugs before you could say ‘Pharmacy’. So, we had to withdraw cold-turkey (without any medicine), which is not only dangerous but painful as hell. Every cell in my body was screaming at me – looking for heroin. I couldn’t withdraw at my parent’s house because they would surely notice something so I used to stay over at his place.

Every time we tried it, it started the same. We would take one last time the night before and in a few hours the withdrawal would start to set in. We were hurting badly but still confident that this would be the time we beat it. It only took a few hours for the room to get dead quiet. Nobody said a word but your thoughts were ear-splittingly loud calling for heroin. Sometimes it took only minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes we even made it to a day – but sooner or later one of us caved. We’d sit in a circle anxiously calling the dealer, trying to score again.

After my parents found out about my addiction we weren’t allowed to spend that much time together. And as the survival instincts of the addict kicked in I started buying on my own, taking on my own and withdrawing on my own. We were both serious to get and stay clean but neither of us wanted to end the friendship.

It has been a month since I’ve seen or spoken to GM. I wonder if he thinks I abandoned him when he needed me most or does he think I deserted him like the rest? It hurts for things to be like this but I hope he understands. I may not always have realized it but I was fracturing our friendship with my shifting personality and drug craving. I was turning into Dr. Jeykell and taking my friend down with me.

In a perfect world he is fighting this same battle and making as good progress as I am. In a perfect world we can meet up someday and look back at these events as a distant learning experience. But that day is not now – and now the best way we can help each other is time apart!

Day 25/7 - "Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 1)"

Monday, 18 December 2006 - Day 25/7 - "Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 1)"

I lost my love. My love that gave me those mind boggling experiences that left me begging for more. The love that occupied me from daybreak to sunset and haunted me when I closed my eyes at night. My love that begged me to leave everything behind and disappear starting a life somewhere else - never looking back. Just me and my love – heroin – together forever!

I lost my love. The love that came so close to me through the lies and pretenses I couldn’t see. Pushing me away from my family, my friends – until only one remained. My best friend GM.

We knew each other long before heroin ever came into the equation. We spend almost every day together and had infinite mutual fun that could fill many books. I always felt protected knowing he had my back and I had his. Together we could overcome any obstacle – that is, until we became each other’s obstacle!

I’ll never forget the first day GM told me he injected heroin. We both smoked heroin before and he mentioned a few times how he would like to inject it. I never warmed up to the idea. All my life I was anti-heroin and although I had broken my own rule and smoked it I would never inject it. Never say never, right! I was so hurt and disappointed at the news. He knew how I felt about it and despite what it could do to our friendship he went ahead with it anyway. He left my mind harassed for weeks, wondering what I would do: Would I stick around with my best friend or would I keep with my original plan to never be friends with a heroin user. He was my best friend, so I stuck around!

The question that will hover in this blog, in my life, in my mind for many years to come is what when through my head the first time I took heroin with my friend. Was I the curious one, bored with the pills, papers, powders. Tired of the existence refered to as my consistent life or excited by the prospects of the forbidden, the exotic – the devil. I was oblivious to the warnings, not noticing the signs that lay like track marks apon the arms that was my life. My reasoning for that day I locked away in a box to which the key is now lost. I’ll never remember what exactly I was thinking. And seeing as I can’t change it now – I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it?!

Part 2 continues...

Day 24/6 - "Using and Abusing"

Sunday, 17 December 2006 - Day 24/6 - "Using and Abusing"

I know how it feels to be used. For many years I have let too many souls use my good nature for their own gain, under the excuse of friendship. I spend money, bought gifts and played taxi to countless individuals who pretended to be my friends. There are a lot of us out there, people that believe that there is good in everybody and try to appeal to their better nature – essentially we’re gullible people.

I didn’t always get to see who the real friends where and who were just using me. Even my relationships were filled with users. My ex, for instance, is a good example. I’ll never forget the day we met. I met a person I liked, my friends liked and that seemed to like me back. But before I could say “Honey, I’m home…” it was over…

Turns out I was being used again. It might have been for sex, and not a lot of people would complain there, but the fact remains only one of us was in it for the love and that would eventually spell hurt.

Some people are lucky enough to sniff out the abusers, others are not so lucky. But nothing sifts out the fake friends like a heroin addiction. There was a long time when people had to give support and advise to me, even though I rarely took, responded or replied to it. The real friends stuck around waiting for the introducing back into civilization.

Once you’ve taken heroin it scars you for life. It will forever make part of your life and your decision making. So, it is a bit unsettling to know that my friends might be wondering if they are safe or if their money or the stuff in their homes are safe. They might be wondering how to react to me next time, what they should say or what they should avoid. Will I ever be myself again, chat about the same old stuff or party like before. I can say I am better and people can relax around me – but to which point do they now believe I am using them!