Saturday, 24 February 2007 – Day 93/16 – “Five Letter Word (Part 2)”
Continues from Part 1…
I couldn’t believe it. He was clean for 3 months, 3 whole months and now he was worse off than I was. He told me, and I figure this is true for a lot of people, that he hates the withdrawal. He can’t stand the pain and he will rather keep on taking than ever feeling it again.
Despite that, he decided to quit again. He took the last time the weekend and then stopped. He got sick the next day, as he predicted he would. He looked like I imagined I looked every time I tried to stop. Like a sadistic killer was pulling every part of your body from your bones, bit by bit and explaining to you how he was doing it. A torture that goes on forever. Only… he got worse and worse as the week progressed showing more symptoms than just withdrawal.
The following day he was admitted to hospital and a few days later he passed away. A few months later the autopsy report stated he died from ‘blood poisoning’. I guess this happens when you inject something into your veins that doesn’t belong there. We all knew it, we all know it – but this really puts it into perspective.
This story of his life, his death makes me so sad. He was about to quit. And whether he would have succeeded or whether heroin would have been the victor – we’ll never know. His story makes me sad not only because of his death, but because of his addiction. This wasn’t the first drug he used and it wouldn’t have been the last. This is true of so many our friends and even of myself. That is the scary thing, that is the sad thing. He honestly only got rid of his addiction, of drugs, of heroin – through DEATH!
Day 93/16 – “Five Letter Word (Part 2)"
The Schedule!
Our company move is finally over!
Because of the move the blog is a few days behind. To catch up I'll be making double posts from Monday to Wednesday.
Also, the posts for next weekend will move to Thursday and Friday to make way for a special post next week Saturday (HINT: Check the day counter).
Is it beginning to sound like a DSTV Guide over here???
Day 92/15 – “Five Letter Word (Part 1)”
Friday, 23 February 2007 – Day 92/15 – “Five Letter Word (Part 1)”
He was the clean one! Almost like he was better than the rest of us. He did something we were all trying so hard to do – he got clean from heroin!
This past Monday, 5 Months ago, my friend mentioned in the post ‘He knew’ passed away. From the time he got sick to the time he died was 8 days. It happened so quick that most of his friends didn’t even know he was in hospital. They all just got the message that he passed away.
It was in the beginning of the year and his grandmother passed away. I remember how heart broken he was at the funeral. I don’t know if he took heroin that day. With that overwhelming flood of emotions I can’t see how he could do without it.
Shortly after the funeral he decided to stop. He booked himself into a medical centre and got the right treatment and medicine. They had him locked up for two weeks. Of course, heroin doesn’t let go willingly and I heard he tried to smuggle some heroin in. Whether he succeeded, I don’t know but he got out a few weeks later completely clean.
Three months passed and he was visiting a friend one night, one who was also trying to quit heroin. I presume that the two addicts together lead to the inevitable and they used heroin just one more time. The next day they used again and again the day after that.
I don’t know about other people, but for the people in my heroin circle it was always true. You could use for 2 consecutive days and you’d probably feel bad the 3rd day, but if you used the 3rd day as well – you were back at square one. The days, weeks, months or years you were clean meant nothing.
I didn’t see him much during that period, so I never really knew much of his drug habits. It was only on occasion that I saw him drive away from the dealer just as I was approaching but we never really talked. Heroin slowly drives you into your own little world where there is place for only heroin and yourself.
I can’t remember how we got together that day but we were at this house and we took heroin. We ended up talking a lot about what happened the past few months. He told me how much he was using every day and I was shocked. I thought that the 2-3 baggies of heroin I sometimes used a day was bad. He was now taking much more than that!
Part 2 continues...
Day 91/14 – “The Postbox (Part 3)”
Thursday, 22 February 2007 – Day 91/14 – “The Postbox (Part 3)”
After weeks of preparation and days of pre-moving we are now busy with the big office move. Will tell more about this tomorrow. Also, yesterday was 90 days in the recovery and today is 2 weeks clean AGAIN. Now, here is the conclusion to ‘The Postbox’…
I phoned my friend and told him my dad was outside and he should wait before picking anything up or dropping anything off. The shocking news echoed in my head: “Too late… Your dad saw me!” Apparently he parked a few meters from the house, walked over to the postbox, reached in and my dad saw him. He ran back to the car while my dad was calling him and he drove off!” I froze. No matter how we spun this story. No matter how hard we were going to try and lie – this was going to be trouble.
I used heroin just the day before as well. If they checked my arms for track marks they would surely find them. Seeing my friend at the postbox screamed suspicion – they were going to check my arms for sure. And so they did. My dad came into the house and wanted to know what my friend was doing there. I denied everything of course. In my drugged and delusional mind they had no other choice but to believe me, right?
Here they thought they had me locked up safe and sound away from the poison that was slowly killing me. All hell was loose in the house and one of the mayor ways I sneaked the drugs into the house – was reluctantly revealed. Nobody ever thought I would go that far – including me! It is absolutely amazing how resourceful a drug addict can be. No matter what they tried, how many walls they tried to put up – there was always a way to get around it.
My dad always said that if I really wanted to stop, I would tell them the ways I did it – before they caught me. I would come clean and help them, help me! I struggled for months to get rid of heroin and every time it came back like it never left, making it even harder to stop. I was beginning to give up hope – give in to the critics who say that it only ends in death.
Then came the day I started this recovery, the one you are all currently part of. I revealed all the methods I used, places I scored, ways I got money. I was honest for a change. I told all before they ‘caught me out’. That was the day I knew everything was going to be okay. No matter what it took, how hard it was going to be – I was going to stop taking heroin!
Day 90/13 – “The Postbox (Part 2)”
Wednesday, 21 February 2007 – Day 90/13 – “The Postbox (Part 2)”
Continues from Part 1…
Some of the dealers stayed across from me, but they weren’t always available. There was a time we had to get the heroin from the runner about 4 km’s from my house. That made quickly running across the street and scoring impossible. But I had help. My fellow heroin addict friend and I took drugs together a lot. Each one of us wanted to get better, wanted to be rid of the clutches of the addiction – but neither of us could ever get that far. So, we always helped each other because we both knew better than anybody else what the other one was going through! The pain; the craving; the desperation!
We had a plan. I would sneak out of the house. Put money in the postbox. He would come and pickup the money, get the drugs and drop them off. This routine he skillfully completed on a regular basis, sometimes 2 or 3 times on one day. Very often I got the baggie of heroin, other times he prepared it beforehand and I just got the needle – ready for injection.
It was a Saturday and the same events were set in motion. I sneaked out and put the money in the postbox. My parents usually work in the garden on Saturdays which made the possibility of being caught out so much greater. I phoned my friend. Sometimes I didn’t have my phone and used the landline or on odd occasion I sent a SMS over the internet – but we found some way of communicating. He always took his time, or maybe I was just being an impatient drug addict, I don’t know. The mere 20, 30, 40 minutes it took him felt like days. Days and days of relentless pain while anticipating the arrival of the drugs.
My mother came into the house. She heard a noise outside. My heart skipped a beat. I looked out the window and saw my dad outside. My mom said she could have sworn she heard an animal, probably kittens, outside somewhere. I can’t remember exactly where they found them… but I know it was close to the postbox.
... Concludes tomorrow
Day 89/12 – “The Postbox (Part 1)”
Tuesday, 20 February 2007 – Day 89/12 – “The Postbox (Part 1)”
I haven’t been there in three months. I haven’t been consciously avoiding it… but I have been avoiding going there. Not so much because I’m afraid of memories or passive instigation but because I don’t want anybody to question my presence there. It was one of the mayor ways I got the drugs into the house. This is the three part story about The Postbox…
It was quite a while that passed since I told my parents about my Heroin Addiction. We were all hopeful that this problem would soon be gone. I saw the doctor. Got the medicine. I was going to get clean! I still had access to my accounts at that point and could basically come and go as I pleased. My parents thought I was doing great but in the meantime I never stopped taking. Slowly as they learned I wasn’t as honest as I pretended to be – the walls closed in and I was confined to the house and my room.
This was the same room I would spend countless hours lying on the bed too sore to move, too depressed to stand up, to ashamed to show my face. This was the room I would stand and arrange for the next drop off. This was the room I would shoot up heroin.
By this time my parents were watching me closely. They couldn’t really tell if I was using just by looking at me – because I was on so much medicine. This is an art they perfected since then. They soon learned that even though I looked fine – I could still be using. But they could never understand how I seemingly stopped for so long and then just started again.
What they didn’t know at the time. What they couldn’t know. Was that I never stopped. I was sneaking the drugs in!
Part 2 and 3 continues the rest of the week…
Day 88/11 – “Pandora’s Box”
Monday, 19 February 2007 - Day 88/11 – “Pandora’s Box”
Pandora’s Box. Many know this Greek myth and it has many interpretations. As I know the myth of Pandora, she was given many different traits or gifts from the various gods. The gift or trait she got from Zeus was insatiable curiosity and mischievousness. It doesn’t matter what version of the myth you know, one thing is always the same, it was her avid curiosity that led her to open the box and release misery and evil on mankind destroying paradise.
Her name means ‘all gifted’ as she was given many different gifts and traits by the gods. In much the same way I was given a good life and my curiosity led me to open that box a long time ago releasing evil and misery into my own life.
I imagine we had the same hunger for experimenting, for trying new things, knowing more or knowing better. I imagine she left that box open letting evil spread for a long time before realizing what she had done, much the same as I did. She closed the box but the evil she led out could not be put back in.
She did one thing right – she closed the box before “hope” could escape. So, in much the same way I trust I did the same. Even with all this misfortune in my life I’d like to think that this box – this very same box that led me to destroy the lives of the people I loved – contained hope as well! Hope that I can be strong. Hope that I can fight. Hope that all can be paradise again!
Day 87/10 – “Poll/Discussion 5”
Sunday, 18 February 2007 - Day 87/10 – “Poll/Discussion 5”
The question for the past two weeks were:
What is your favorite drug movie? Doesn’t have to be a movie about heroin, it could be a movie about any legal, illegal, real or fictitious drugs.
The usual movies made their appearance along with my most favorite off all drug movies: “Requiem for a Dream”. It is a story about four lives, four addicts, four failures. The four people have such aspirations for themselves and their lives but they succumb to their addictions. The movie sees them spiral out of control and you see the ugly hell in which addicts reside in. Absolutely brilliant point of view, camera angles, effects and portray of drug addiction. It is shocking and an eye opener for addicts and non-addicts alike.
Of course you don’t mention drug movies, especially heroin drug movies without mentioning ‘Trainspotting’. A wild story about a heroin addict’s habit and how he tries to break it and give up heroin. It is very ‘unclean’ in it is portray of the drug habits of the lower class.
Other drug movies include: “Midnight Express”, “BasketBall Diaries”, “Pulp Fiction”, “The Beach”, “Blow”, “Human Traffic” and “Go”.
It is the three big ones for me about heroin: “Requiem for a Dream”, “Trainspotting” and “Basketball Diaries” that lie here waiting for me to watch them. I don’t crave heroin and I can’t imagine every going back to that lifestyle – but I remember those movies well enough to know how dangerous they are to me still.
Heroin wasn’t all bad. I know I’m not suppose to be talking about the good times I had with heroin. It is in bad taste anyway, since a lot of people are still hurting because of those ‘good times’. But there is a pleasure in it – after all that is why people keep doing it. And watching a movie like ‘Trainspotting’ even with all that ‘bad’ in your face – you still might, for a brief moment, think its not so bad. Its not so addictive or destcructive. But believe me – you will be wrong!
OK, so this week’s question will be for those that follow the blog and want to put in some effort answering. I have gone through 87 days today, that is 88 pieces telling my story of recovery. Which piece or pieces told you or informed you the most of the problem of heroin addiction and what heroin addicts go through?
