Saturday, 24 March 2007
Day 121 / 44 (59) – “Farewell to Addiction (by Daniel L)”
So goodbye old friends. I will remember the good times I had with all of
you. Because there were some good times. It is the nature of our
relationship that I will forever strive to forget. And of all of you, a
very special goodbye to you, my inspiration in liquid form.
I cringe at saying your name, but yes, you, alcohol. It was our little
secret for a long time, wasn't it? Even when you started betraying me, I
still wanted to trust you, I still turned to you. I loved you so much, my
secret lover. In you, and with you, I found warmth and affection, euphoria
and arousal.
Even when we were apart, I thought of you, felt you inside me, craved for
you. You had this funny way of transforming yourself into whatever it was I wanted. You became strength, laughter, confidence and patience. I now know our relationship was doomed from the start. You made me blind with lust and
love for you, and in the end, you deserted me.
I feel I could write about you, to you, for hours. But I really wish for
you to go away now. I know you'll be hiding around the corner, calling me once in a while. But please hear this old friend: There is no longer a
place left for you in my life. I make a conscious choice to forsake you,
for eternity. I have found a new lover; Serenity and a daily quest for
honesty and simplicity.
And so, old friend, I am done with you.
Sincerely,
Daniel L.
Northern Ontario, 2004
P.S: I left a large chunk of my heart with you over the years. And one
day, when I am stronger, I will be back to reclaim it. It never belonged to
you in the first place.
Day 121 – “Farewell to Addiction (by Daniel L)”
Day 120 - “72 hours clean (Part 3 of 3)”
Friday, 23 March 2007
Day 120 / 42 (59) – “72 hours clean (Part 3 of 3)”
Hey everybody. All is still going well… I’ll tell you in detail how the past few days has been going on Monday. I made a mistake a while back with the Second Day Counter and corrected it yesterday… So I’m on Day 120 / 42. Enjoy your Friday. Here is the last part of ’72 hours clean’…
We decided to go our separate ways because we all knew that together it was only a matter of time before one of us cracked. I reluctantly went home.
By this time I felt like little piranhas were eating away at my flesh. I could hardly move. I got a Voltaren injection and lay on the bed pretending to watch television. My Oscar performance as a normal guy with no problems in the world began. It would have to last the whole weekend.
I’m not sure what my parents thought but I spent most of the Saturday in bed. At times I tried to look busy just to avoid suspicion even though I was hurting so badly. In a way I felt better – almost proud of myself. This was the second day. It was one of the only times I ever got to a second day.
Sunday morning I opened my eyes and one thought ran through my mind like a train station at peak time. I wanted heroin. Before I opened my eyes, before a conscious thought played in my mind – I had decided. It was asif I was asked myself the question the whole night and every time the answer came blaring through… YES… YES…. YES!
Before I even entered 72 hours I was back where I was the Thursday night – a heroin addict. I came close and for months and months after that day, that was the closest I got. The months following that day lead to more frequent heroin use. I started injecting myself and soon there was no reason to wait. There would be no more days where anybody said, ‘lets go home’. There would be no more 72 hours clean!
P.S) If you like this blog and want it mailed to you daily as it updates, please contact me on tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za
Day 119 – “72 hours clean (Part 2 of 3)”
Thursday, 22 March 2007
Day 119 / 42 (59) – “72 hours clean (Part 2 of 3)”
Continues from Part 1...
A few hours passed with all of us avoiding the obvious. I had every intention to stop taking the weekend but my mind was another mission. Whether I closed my eyes or kept them open they only saw one thing, they only needed one thing – heroin.
I was still in the beginning stages of my addiction, that weekend. I was absolutely dependent on when my friends took, because they injected me. In the beginning I never injected myself. Ironically, I hated needles. If they said No, then it was No. But they weren’t saying No… they were just keeping quiet and I knew they wanted it just as badly as I wanted it.
I guess I felt safe in a way. As long as somebody else had to inject me, I didn’t have a problem. It was still controlled to a certain extend because I was depending on them. Of course, my dependence was on another addict’s heroin habits. People hurting just as bad and even more than I was. Nobody really had a choice anymore.
If I told the story of any other day the following outcome would be different. It was almost guaranteed that somebody, anybody would crack eventually. The need for heroin was much more than any agreement, any promise or any other desire to ever get clean. Any undertaking to stop immediately faded once the craving kicked in. On this day… nobody said a word.
'72 hours clean' concludes tomorrow (Friday)!
Day 118 – “Human Rights Day”
Wednesday, 21 March 2007
Day 118 / 41 (59) – “Human Rights Day”
Since today is 'Human Rights Day' in South Africa I will continue the '72 hours clean' story tomorrow (Thursday). [Secret Method for Keeping Suspense - **Evil Laugh]
If you have stories or experiences on 'Rehab', 'Ibogaine', 'Out-Patient Programs', 'NA Meetings' or anything related, please e-mail me at tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za before Sunday.
And to have this blog mailed to you daily please e-mail me also to add you to the Mailing List.
Day 117 – “72 hours clean (Part 1 of 3)"
Tuesday, 20 March 2007
Day 117 / 40 (59) – “72 hours clean (Part 1 of 3)”
We all wanted it. Each one of us more badly than the next. Right there, right then I would have given anything. I would have taken, stolen, sold anything just to get it. To feel that overwhelming feeling of content rush over me. All of us wanted it… but nobody said a thing!
It was Friday afternoon. Fridays didn’t signal ‘weekend’ to us. It was the start of detox. We entered every single weekend more determined than ever that this time would be it. This would be the time we kicked this habit and heroin would never be in control of us again. To us Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays were spent fighting the daemons, trying to stay away from the dealer, trying to get clean.
I took off from work early. I was hurting badly. I last took heroin the night before and I knew in a short while my body would be aching so much that I could hardly walk. Nobody knew yet, so I had to pretend that everything was okay. Sure, I had the occasional off-day and they could see I’m not feeling well, but I could always blame it on something. In a few minutes I would be withdrawing and everybody would see something was wrong.
I got together with my friends. We all decided to stay together the afternoon and look after each other. We had no medicine and withdrawing cold turkey was dangerous. We sat in the lounge watching television. I can’t remember what was on. I don’t think I even knew then. The thoughts of taking heroin were screaming in the room. Dead silence but deafening screaming for heroin. Everybody wanted it but nobody was going to be the instigator. Not this time! All of us wanted it… but nobody said a word!
Part 2 continues tomorrow Thursday...
Day 116 – “Subutex”
Monday, 19 March 2007
Day 116 / 39 (59) – “Subutex”
Subutex, is used to treat opioid dependence. Its main purpose is to prevent withdrawal symptoms, by stimulating the opiate receptors in the brain. It has a greater attraction to the opiate receptors than heroin, which reduces or removes the desire to take heroin. Subutex binds so tightly to the opiate receptors, that taking heroin will have little or no effect.
Subutex was my saviour. Without it I would have given up a long time ago. It helped me to get through the already bad withdrawal symptoms and more importantly insured the recovery wasn’t life threatening. It is not cheap medicine and I took it way too long (as you also get dependant on it) but it got me off heroin – and that is what is important!
Taking Subutex was a sort of insurance that I would not be taking heroin that day. It takes away some of the desire to take heroin, makes finding a vain much more difficult and if you should take heroin while on Subutex the effect is minimum.
I remember waking up some days and as soon as I opened my eyes I knew I was going to take heroin. It was like the thought played in my head the whole night and as soon as I opened my eyes the yearning for heroin was there. My mind went in overdrive and all I thought about was how to score. On those days I didn’t take Subutex because I knew it would spoil the experience. Other times I took Subutex in the morning with no intend to take heroin during the day – but the urge to have the real thing got too big and I took heroin anyway. Even just a hint of that feeling was enough to risk it!
Of course, my parents soon learned that Subutex not only helped with withdrawal but helped me to stay away from taking heroin. According to them I never took heroin if I had subutex in my system – I mean, what was the use, right?! So, every morning they came to me and watched as I put the pill under my tongue and waited for it to dissolve. They could sleep at night – their boy was safe.
I don’t need to tell you that if there is a way around it, an addict will find it. I got anti-depressants from my doctor which, if broken in half looked very similar to the subutex pill. I even filed the edges off the pill to give it more of the appearance of the Subutex pill. So, every morning my mom would come to check up on me to make sure I took the Subutex pill never knowing it was something completely different.
I got away with this for quite a number of months. As long as I took that pill they thought they had nothing to worry about – which meant they let me out of the house. And if I came back and looked a bit off – I could always just blame it on the Subutex. It was perfect!
I’m very cautious to refer to the things I did in a positive sense. I don’t want to seem to ever brag about how I got away with it – as I said before that would be in very bad taste. I am sharing this information with you because you might have a loved one busy filing the edges of anti-depressant pills – fooling you!
Day 115 – “Poll/Discussion 6 continued…”
Sunday, 18 March 2007
Day 115 / 38 (59) – “Poll/Discussion 6 continued…”
I asked last weekend if people would share their experiences with ‘Rehab’ or ‘Ibogaine’. The intention is to get a broader view of how these treatments affect people and if they really work, for a future post.
If you have a story to share, I would really like to hear from you before the end of Saturday night the 24th of March.
E-mail me at: tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za
