Monday, 2 June 2008
Rehab – “Day 18 in Rehab (Part 1)"
Rehab, 18 April 2008…
It is past 8 at night. I am lying in bed shaking, my legs aching. My eyes are sore, I’m nauseous, muscles paining and I’m constantly sneezing. The withdrawals started yesterday morning after they stopped my medication the day before and it has just gotten worse and worse.
The medication I’m talking about helps with heroin withdrawal but unfortunately you get addicted to that aswell and since I also used this medication before rehab my system is well aware of this replacement. Now I’m withdrawing from the medication.
I’ve been to the ATM so many times today asking for something to relieve the pain. The sisters have given me pill after pill but as soon as it works out of my system I’m back again. I woke up round about 2 this morning and the sister checked my file. She could see how I’ve been getting worse and worse since Wednesday. “I don’t know what else to give you” she said. I’ve taken everything I’m allowed to take. Nothing worked.
She handed me a pill. It was the same as the medicine I stopped on Tuesday, the same as the stuff I was withdrawing from right at that moment. “Take this” she said. It will help until you can see the doctor on Monday!
“Day 18 in Rehab (Part 1)"
“Put your hands up in the air"
Monday, 2 June 2008
Current Recovery – “Put your hands up in the air"
Saturday, 31 May 2008…
When I first got out of rehab I avoided club music for a while, even certain radio stations like 5fm was never switched on. Every time I heard even one song that reminded me of my clubbing days I had nightmares during the night about taking again. So, when I stood in the middle of the dance floor on Saturday night listening to heavy electro tunes blaring through the speakers, flashing lights gleaming through the smoky air and surrounded by drug addicts I couldn’t help but smile!
Perhaps the grin was at the irony at having a room full of drug addicts dancing to the latest tunes – and all of them clean and sober! Of course, they were recovering addicts – some of them with only one day clean and others with over 12 years. The point was I was there. I listened to the music and danced like I would in any other club on any substance and I went to bed and had an absolutely brilliant night of sleep.
I attended my very first NA Convention on Saturday and Sunday. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life, hearing the stories of so many people. I gained so much knowledge and direction from a group of people I really admire. I wish I could go into detail but since it is anonymous I’ll leave it at that.
I shared something at the convention aswell. I’m a much better writer than I am a speaker so I was really nervous talking over a microphone. I said then what I’ll repeat to anybody at any time. I am proud to be who I am. I am proud to be an addict in recovery. I am leading such a fulfilling life now and this is only the beginning. I get to go to such wonderful places and meet people and all without the use of drugs.
The dance floor is risky, some people at the Convention with many many years of sobriety avoided it. I don’t know if I can ever go back to an environment where people are dancing around me and all of them are high. I don’t even know if I want to. But at least I know I can enjoy a good song and dare to dance along to it without grabbing the phone to phone the dealer.
"Day 17 in Rehab"
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 17 in Rehab"
Rehab, 17 April 2008…
I spoke to the nurse on duty tonight to get moved out of the Penthouse (the room where I’m sleeping). The rest of the guys there have no consideration for my feelings. The other night with Julius keeping me awake was just the tip of the iceberg. The rest of the time they just do what they like, shouting, screaming and making noise while they stand right next to each other.
We managed that I move into the room where Darrell is sleeping and somebody else move into the Penthouse. Now, up to now nobody else wanted to move into the Penthouse because of the noise and disrespect. Every few days people are suppose to move into different rooms but everybody refused to move into the Penthouse. Charlie* however had no problem moving. He wasn’t a guy that anybody would walk over. He was about 3x my size to start with and didn’t keep his mouth shut for anybody.
This morning when the rest of the room saw me moving out and Charlie moving in they freaked, accusing people of being racist and the ‘white people’ of sending people to ‘discipline them’. They said it! I just kept quiet!
To tell you the truth I was sick and tired of it. Too many people in this clinic and in my life have walked over me because it is so easy. I can’t say No and people take advantage of it. I’m trying to change that but it is harder than I thought.
In the mean time I’m still deciding whether I should stay a week longer or not. I didn’t have a good day at all today but we’ll talk about that tomorrow.
"Day 16 in Rehab"
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 16 in Rehab"
Rehab, 16 April 2008…
Some of you might remember the series “Friends” with Chandler, Monica, Rachel, Joey, Foebe and Ross. Joey had a saying that he used whenever he tried to chat up a girl. “How ya doin’?” It worked for him many times simply because he did it with confidence. He could look himself in the mirror and he oozed coolness.
I got an assignment from the therapist on Monday. I had to write a piece highlighting my personal qualities. For that I had to look myself in the mirror and focus on the good qualities and forget about the bad ones. This was one of the more difficult things for me to do because I simply don’t see myself that way. One of the reasons for my drug use was that drugs made me feel better about myself.
After a few days of looking myself in the mirror and saying “How ya doin’?” to my reflection I handed in my assignment today. I wrote the piece asif there was a Christiaan Product next to me and I was trying to sell it to somebody. Here goes…
The newly rehabilitated 2008 Christiaan model has been blessed with a very creative and imaginative mind that not only enjoys but has shown talent in maths, writing and computer especially computer programming.
He has a good general knowledge fed by his curiosity and hunger to learn. He has a friendly and optimistic face that lightens up any cloudy day which he shares with the friends he makes so easily. Friends describe him as helpful, considerate and compassionate and he’d like to pride himself on always demonstrating those abilities.
His big warm heart lets in even those that most others would reject and is matched only by his big eyes which on a good day can pierce you with the blue in its blue-green colour. He has soft firm hands which most would find feminine but a piano player would die for.
He even has a few qualities he finds appealing in others like the glasses he wears and normally a nice firm stomach. Above all he has a brilliant sense of humor and a good sense of right and wrong which helped him in the best and worst of life’s situations.
"Full Circle"
Monday, 26 May 2008
Current Recovery - "Full Circle"
It is Monday, 26 May 2008. Today, I thought I’d update you a bit on how it is going in the real life since I came back from my rehab stay.
I feel like a brand new person, with a new lust for life, new activities to keep me busy, new friends and a new lifestyle. I can’t wish for a better direction to head my life into. Even though I am still bothered by constant body pains, occasional depression, tiredness and exhaustion these are all minor symptoms to a much bigger battle I am winning every day.
I attend regular AA and NA meetings and I am getting incredible help from the people there. The days when there are no meetings or I can’t get to one I attend online meetings. I found a Sponsor and I’m busy working the Step Program, which by the way has been a brilliant self discovery.
But the most amazing thing is for the first time in my life I am not only attending church but extra church activities. I literally count the days in anticipation until I can attend each one. My relationship with God has gone from virtually non-existent to amazingly personal. He is my ‘best friend’ and has blessed me today with 56 clean days.
Last time around I already relapsed when I got to this day, I took drugs a few times and substituted alcohol like there was no tomorrow. If you had to compare my life back then to one today – well, I don’t even think there is a comparison, I hardly know where to find the words to describe it to you. But you can ask my church, my friends, even those that occasionally bump into me in the shopping mall and most definitely my family - maybe they’ll be able to find the words!
"Day 15 in Rehab"
Friday, 23 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 15 in Rehab"
Rehab, 15 April 2008...
Should I stay a week longer? Since realizing on Friday night that I’ve hardly done any work on myself in the clinic I’ve thought about the idea a lot. When I booked into the clinic they told me I could extend my stay with a week if I chose to and that a lot of heroin patients did it. Since this weekend I seem to be having one bad day after the other. Even last night was a complete disaster…
Lights out on a week day is 22:00 and everybody needs to be in bed by then to take their medication. Julius (the one that accused us of smoking weed) moved into my room a few days back and he has been distributive every night since then. Last night he couldn’t sleep and decided to run up and down the halls, talking to people, laughing and singing. I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, repeatedly asking him to stop, but after 2 hours of listening to it I couldn’t take it anymore. I took my blanket and went downstairs to sleep in one of the other rooms.
The only room available downstairs was one of the Sedation wards. There was one bed available in a room full of snoring men. I weighed my options and decided to stay in the room where at least some kind of rhythmic noise was going on and not the random racket by Julius. I lay in the bed for about an hour unable to fall asleep and finally went to the lie on the couch in the foyer. Eventually I fell asleep there but hardly got 4 hours sleep in the end.
Michael (the sexy one), one of my best friends in the clinic left today. We were ‘shower and bed buddies’ which sounds much kinkier than it actually was. Every night roughly the same time we would take showers and then go to bed and tell each other about what we did before we got here, how we got here and what our plans were for the future. Since I felt so bad and just wanted to be in bed the past few days, these conversations kept me from just sulking.
When I finally went to bed saying goodbye to another dreadful day I was leaning towards staying longer. My mind was not where it should be!
"Day 14 in Rehab (Part 2)"
Friday, 23 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 14 in Rehab (Part 2)"
Rehab, 14 April 2008 (Part 2)...
I went to bed after I spoke to Darrell and waited until I could get my medicine. My medication stops in 2 days and the thought terrifies me. There won’t be convenient help in a pill form from then. But today, I could still take it and it made me feel a bit better - at least well enough to attend the groups.
The negativity the group experienced the past few days seemed to fade. I also wasn’t the only one having nightmares, throughout the whole clinic one after the other complained about their bad nights. Even though the food still disappeared from the rooms, the DSTV remote and black pool ball all magically appeared again.
I made an appointment with my therapist and told her about the past few days and how bad I experienced them. She helped me to focus on myself a bit and not so much on the people around me. One of the things I had to do was say ‘NO’ to at least one thing per day. This would help me in trying to please so many people. I also have to write her something to address my poor self-esteem but I’ll get to that later on in the week. She said that for now all that mattered was that I didn’t walk out of the gates today!
I hope tomorrow will be better. No… I believe it will be!
"Day 14 in Rehab (Part 1)"
Thursday, 22 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 14 in Rehab (Part 1)"
Rehab, 14 April 2008 (Part 1)...
When I opened my eyes this morning I couldn’t breathe, my eyes were swollen, I was nauseous and had leg cramps. It felt like the inside of my legs was trying to scratch it’s way out. It has been 2 weeks since I last took any heroin and I was lying here withdrawing badly.
My mind switched into the mode it had as default for all these months. It wanted heroin. I felt like I was lying back at home already making plans how to get it today. Where would I get the money? When will I have a chance to organize? Where will I take it? These were the questions that started every single day of my life. These were the questions I repeated 4,5,6 times a day.
The feeling wasn’t new to me but it came unexpected this morning. I had no doubt that the events of the past few days, the nightmares, and my medicine stopping this week all contributed to the physical pain I felt. But whether my mind contributed to me feeling this bad or not – I was feeling it now and I wanted heroin now.
I got out of bed and went downstairs. Darrell was already there drinking coffee and immediately saw something wasn’t right. I sat next to him shaking, crying, craving. I need to take something now, I told him. If I have to book myself out of this clinic today, I need to take something now.
Darrell took my one hand, putting his other arm around my waist almost hugging me with it. He prayed, asking God to send an Angel to protect me.
“You’ll be okay”
“I hope so”
“Don’t hope, Christiaan. Believe!”
"Day 13 in Rehab"
Thursday, 22 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 13 in Rehab"
Rehab, 13 April 2008...
My whole approach to this clinic was about to change. I suddenly realized as I sat there in the foyer of the clinic that my first 12 days in Rehab was spent pleasing other people. My mood depended solely on what the group felt – if they were having a good day so was I and when they were having bad days I had them to. I spend so much time making friends and ‘being friendly’ that I haven’t changed anything about myself at all.
To make matters worse we had a family braai in the clinic yesterday. Almost all the people had some family or friends that came to visit except me of course. I felt so alone. Not even that much because my family couldn’t visit but because I didn’t know where to draw the line with my friendships in the clinic anymore. I lost a lot of fight. I thought I had a plan, I thought I was doing great but my bubble burst very quickly. I was clueless. I just wanted to sleep the whole day.
I went to bed very early. There was none of the normal nightly chats, the laughing and the board games. Until I knew how I had to proceed, until I knew where to draw the line I thought it better to keep my distance.
I am not allowed any injections while I’m in the clinic because not only do you crave the drugs but you crave the needle. So, I’ve hardly seen any needles since I’ve been here. Last night I hardly slept but the parts I did sleep I had a lot of nightmares. I dreamt about needles, about drugs… I dreamt about relapsing.
"Day 12 in Rehab"
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 12 in Rehab"
Rehab, 12 April 2008...
“Julle fokken druggies…”
The words echoed in my head as I went to bed last night. Some drunk Boksburg idiot who obviously belongs in the clinic decided his kick for the night would be to stand outside the gates of the clinic and shout remarks at the top of his lungs. It set the mood for what would be one of the worst days I would have in rehab so far.
It started yesterday already. People were spreading stories about Bernice and Pieter (alleged couple number 1) and about Jodi and Ryan (alleged couple number 2). Like I mentioned yesterday everybody was watching for them to break the rules and since they weren’t breaking them people just started spreading rumours and trying to get them into trouble. They were obviously upset by this.
Some idiot in the clinic decided that he was bored and started hiding things from the clinic. First the black pool ball disappeared, then the DSTV remote and then food and things from the rooms. Management decided to start searching the rooms and closets but found none of the missing stuff. Instead they found money and phone cards on some of the patients – something which we are not suppose to have.
The whole chummy atmosphere of the clinic changed into people suspicious and negative towards each other. Bernice, Pieter, Jodi, Ryan and even Darrell started talking about leaving since the atmosphere was helping nobody get better.
Now, you might be asking what this has to do with me… for that you’ll have to read next time. I can tell you this, I suddenly realized something that left me in a flat spin. I felt hopeless and scared. My whole approach to this clinic would have to change!
"Day 11 in Rehab"
Tuesday, 20 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 11 in Rehab"
Rehab, 11 April 2008...
I like who I am becoming. I am almost at my halfway mark in the clinic and things are really looking better. I’ve made amazing friends here and we spend every single moment together playing games, talking and laughing.
The group’s emotions is like a rollercoaster, one minute every body is up and the next everybody is down. Bernice and Pieter* are getting along great. In fact so great that everybody already thinks they are a couple. It is as if the whole clinic including all the therapists and nurses are waiting for them to mess up. The same goes for Jodi and Ryan who clearly have something going on aswell.
I play the inevitable 3rd and 5th wheel in the group as the one who seems destined to end up alone again. It shouldn’t bother me that much. After all, we are in the clinic to work on our addiction and not concentrate on relationships. But perhaps I’ve even stumbled upon one of the reasons for my addiction. It is actually quite ironic – using drugs to not be alone and in the process pushing everybody away through your drug taking. Then again, heroin was like a love to me. I was never alone when I had heroin.
Now I don’t have heroin anymore, not as a safety blanket, not as anything. It is now that I realize how fake the ‘drugging buddies’ really were. It is now that I find true friendship with the people in the clinic. It is actually sad, these are the some of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet in your entire life – and all of us are drug addicts and alcoholics. Imagine that!
