Friday, 16 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 10 in Rehab"
Rehab, 10 April 2008...
I have started to follow a nice routine in a place I now refer to as ‘The Hab’. I have genuine intention to continue with this routine when I get home. One of the things I am doing much more now is eating.
The past few months I haven’t had an appetite at all. Some or other drug killed my appetite or the withdrawals were so bad that I was too nauseous to eat. The result was that I was slowly fading away turning into skin and bone. After a few days here I have my appetite back. In fact, I am eating more than I have in a very long time including breakfast which is something I last ate when I was in school.
I mentioned last time that we are on a medicine program and they are gradually reducing the medicine quantity over a 16 day period. Yesterday morning I stood in the ATM Queue: the ATM by the way is what we call the Medicine Dispensary since the queue is normally longer than at ABSA on month-end and you make medicine ‘withdrawals’. So, I’m standing in the queue and I get my daily dosage. Another nurse walks in, sees me standing there and gives me my dose of medicine again.
I’ve been complaining for days the dose is too little and I’m still having pain so I welcomed the ‘mistake’ but they soon realize they gave me the dose again and I was in trouble for not saying anything. The nurse said I’m not getting anything tomorrow which has me worried. As I left the ATM I thought to myself – once a druggie, always a druggie!
"Day 10 in Rehab"
"Dear Heroin"
Thursday, 15 May 2008
Rehab - "Dear Heroin"
Rehab, 9 April 2008...
I met my therapist for the first time yesterday. She is still young and really sweet and I felt I could really communicate to her. She gave me an assignment to do: I am supposed to write a letter to my addiction to say goodbye to it. After I get out of the clinic I can then do something with the letter as some kind of closure. I finished the letter today and will now share it with you…
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Dear Heroin
I am writing this letter to you but I want you to share it with your buddies rocks, ecstasy, acid, cocaine, cat, pinks, weed and all the others whose names I have already forgotten. I want them all to sit with you while you read this and I finally say goodbye to you.
You’ve become my best friend over the past few years and saying goodbye to you now is not easy. I don’t miss you today and I doubt I’ll miss you tomorrow but I know that I will miss you in the future. We’ve shared secrets that no one will ever know or accept and I thought you were my friend not seeing your deceptiveness.
I miss the comfort you used to give me and the overwhelming confidence to be somebody I thought I needed to be to be accepted. I miss it. I do, but I cannot pay the price. I don’t want to pay the price to get that comfort ever again.
I know you’ll be everywhere when I get out of this place of safety. You’ll be watching for my weak moments to come and you’ll try and deceive me again. I know I’ll be tempted but I want to let you know right now you will waste your time because you will not win this fight. I am taking control of my life!
I guess I should thank you for the life experiences you’ve taught me because you’ve given me the tools to fight harder and be more successful in other areas of my life but I cannot forgive you for the price my family and friends had to pay for those experiences. I cannot forgive you for letting me believe that trying to kill myself was the only option or even the easier one.
I will continue to watch you from a distance while I warn others about your harmful ways. I will continue to fight the battle my friends lost in death and even though I know this to be a life long process I will be victorious in my death – only it will be on my terms and my own time.
So, heroin and all the other friends that have come and gone I say goodbye in perhaps the best way I know how – these words. I can try and use every word in the dictionary and you’ll never know how much you’ve really hurt me and kept me from really being myself and true to those I love.
Goodbye and good luck with your future but know I will not be part of it and neither will be those that cross my path.
Sincerely yours,
Your ex-love
CHRISTIAAN
"Day 8 in Rehab"
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 8 in Rehab"
Rehab, 8 April 2008...
I open my eyes this morning and get handed yet another cup for a urine test. They say these urine tests are random. If only my lotto winnings were this random!
I think the sexual tension is really getting to the people in the clinic. Strange and funny things are happening all over and I’ll only elaborate on some of them... Darrell’s girlfriend came to visit him the weekend and he was very upset that there was no ‘facilities’ for couples to… uhm… reconnect! He suggested to the Matron they consider creating a ‘couples room’ and the Matron just laughed at the idea.
Lynette left this morning. I only got to spend 2 days with her but I’d like to think we became good friends in that time. In a place where you spend so much time together and share so much similar lives I guess it can happen very quickly. After she left Michael spend a huge portion of the day talking to me and was amazed at how down to earth he is.
Ryan* came out of Sedation yesterday and hung underneath the rather since then. It was only today that his personality came out a bit more and we could get to know him. I wouldn’t mind getting to know him better. He had such a contagious smile – like I just wanted to make him laugh to check it the whole day. Oh boy… I think the sexual tension got to me as well.
Unfortunately for Ashok the tension apparently got too much. As I understand it he lured Nila* up the stairs to a secluded corner and kissed her. How this news got to the nurses and management I have no idea but the end result was Ashok getting his final warning and being asked to leave the clinic.
And so ended the 8 day stay of the reluctant druggie called Ashok who started off with a rocky start and literally kissed his rehab stay goodbye.
"Day 7 in Rehab"
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 7 in Rehab"
Rehab, 7 April 2008...
Nurse Marlene* is probably the nicest nurse on staff. She works night shift most of the times and this morning she is the one bringing us our medication. She makes her way from bed to bed waking each of us up almost like your mother would do. This in contrast to the other nurses that seem to explode into the rooms and giving you a fright only your alarm clock could duplicate. Nurse Marlene hands me a cup for a urine sample… oi, did I smoke weed again last night?
I hand the nurses my urine sample and don’t hear anything from them again so I figure they got their negative. I don’t care how many times they test me. I am one week clean today and I don’t think anything can break my spirit.
Darrell (friend, codeine patient that booked in the same day as me), Matt (friend, heroin patient that booked in same day as me) and I are on a medicine program to come off our addictions. The program lasts 16 days and they gradually reduce our medicine until the 16 days are over. The thing is all three of us are getting the same dosage even though our drugs of choice, methods we used and amounts we used were very different. The result is Darrell and Matt fast asleep during the day and me still sitting with pain and cramps.
We are allowed a weekend out before we go home. Lynette* went home for the weekend and came back yesterday. She and Michael (‘the sexy guy’ in the group) have really gotten along and are quite close. She soon finds out how I feel about Michael and we both tease him about it a bit. In fact, even the Matron said something which I find may be directed at me joking with Michael. She said no patients were allowed to share beds and then everybody looked at me! Damn!
It has been a wonderful day, full of classes and chats with my new friends. I have this burning desire to start the day tomorrow and next week and the rest of my drug free life!
