Day 44/26 - "Poll 2"

Saturday, 6 January 2006 - Day 44/26 - "Poll 2"

This weeks poll (please vote on the right):
Have you read any of my blogs on "My Heroin Recovery" before?

Last weeks poll (Results):
Have you ever taken drugs?

I have tried drugs, but not heroin (42 votes) - 61.8%
Drugs! Never! (22 votes) - 32.4%
I have injected heroin! (3 votes) - 4.4%
I have smoked but NOT injected heroin (1 vote) - 1.5%
I want to try drugs! (no votes) - 0%

Day 43/25 - "All too easy"

Friday, 5 January 2007 - Day 43/25 - "All too easy"

My whole life was like one of those movies where you live the same day over and over again until you finally get it right. For months I was living this same day and messing it up every time. I knew I had the strength inside of me but it started to look like heroin was stronger than me.

There was a time I didn’t think I would get over it. I was ready to throw in the towel. I think at many occasions my parents probably felt the same. If death was what heroin was going to do me then so be it, but I couldn’t fight any more. We all say and do things when we are angry, hurt or tired. So, yes there was a time I think all of us hoped I would just die!

And then after all that… one day I just woke up and decided to fight back and never live the life of a drug addict again. It all seems too easy, doesn’t it?! I blame it on the rest of the world. They kept insisting that I wouldn’t be able to do it without Rehab or that it wouldn’t just take a few weeks at home to get better. Even my parents have been asking it a lot lately: “doesn’t it all seem too easy?” And to be truthfully honest at times I wonder about it myself. There was a time I was ready to die and look at me now…

But it isn’t that easy. I’m still tired and sick everyday. I’m still sore and depressed every day. I’m still broke and in debt every day. I’m still questioned and warned, doubted and watched every single day. But I keep fighting, I stay positive and optimistic – so that I can stay clean everyday!

Day 42/24 - "Rules of Engagement"

Thursday, 4 January 2007 - Day 42/24 - "Rules of Engagement"

Ouch, my aching head!
Why, oh, why did I drink that glass of wine…
and the one after that…
and the one after that…
ah, my aching head!

It is no secret that I am still consuming some alcohol. Every time I take a drink I am reminded just how dangerous it still is to me. One sip and I start getting these splitting headaches. I should probably listen to my body and stop!

I am not reckless or irresponsible at all. If I drink it is usually in a crowd and I don’t drive home alone. That way I can’t just stop somewhere to get heroin. But alcohol puts you in another frame of mind, as it is also a mind altering substance. And since I’m an addict when it comes to mind altering substances – I’m playing Russian roulette every time I drink!

Since the blog started many more people have started reading it. My family here and spread out across the country, the friends who see me on a regular basis or those that haven’t seen me in a while – they all have the blog address now. They know who I am, they know my number, and they know my parents. My boss, my colleagues, my brother, my parents – soon all will be reading.

It is a scary thought. It increasingly creates pressure on exactly how much of the truth I can comfortably tell. This is after all diary and from time to time bits of information might pop up that people that know me well – were never supposed to know. So, perhaps I’ll just practice a bit of discretion when it comes to matters not directly related to the recovery. If I start censoring the blog it kind of defeats one of the purposes. So, buckle up dear family, friends, colleagues and those ‘one night stands’, put the kiddies to bed and sit down for this – because all will still be revealed!

Day 41/23 - "Echo"

Wednesday, 3 January 2007 - Day 41/23 - "Echo"

She checks my arms, twists them around trying to find a hint of a needle mark somewhere. Even after weeks of not using I still have faint trackmarks on my arms – but you can see they are old. I’m confident because I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t have to worry that she’ll see the needle marks on my arms or hidden away on my hands – because they aren’t there. They haven’t been there in quite a while. It hurts when she does this because it doesn’t feel like we’ve made any progress. Today, it doesn’t feel like I’m on day 41!

If I even think of taking drugs again; if I as much as look at a drug dealer; if they ever find out I’ve lied to them – they’ll kick me out. These are the warnings I hear on a regular basis. Last week I wanted to go to the movies and I started getting the warnings. This paranoid conversation where I was accused of mindlessly staring into the mirror, probably planning how I was going to get my drugs. My cell-phone was taken immediately, without even asking and checked for hints of any wrong doing. I didn’t even feel like going to the movies after that!

For eight months they came with the threats, limits, warnings, accusations, hurt, sorrow and even anger – none of it stopped me. If I didn’t want to stop taking heroin nobody would be able to make me stop. They could have sent me away for months and the first chance I got I would have been back at the dealer. It is harsh, but it is true!

But I do want to stop now! I am making every effort to insure I get rid and stay rid of heroin. So, I tell my mother that if I wanted to take heroin I would have done it already. I’ve had over a 100 opportunities over the past few weeks to do it, but I didn’t take. I didn’t want to. I am not going to!

I see their side as well. They are hurt and unsure, I get that. None of us will be able to forget about heroin because the affects are still in our everyday lives. I am doing better, better than I ever thought I would do again and sometimes it feels like they still don’t see that.

Am I overreacting? I want them to able to rest assured that I won’t take heroin when I go out, but the truth is that if heroin was what I wanted to do – no warning or plead would stop me! They know this… so why the warnings, why do I have to be reminded of heroin everyday?

Day 40/22 - "Remembering Day 1"

Tuesday, 2 January 2007 - Day 40/22 - "Remembering Day 1"

This post was originally written on 10 November 2006. I tried to get to Day 2, but didn’t make it. The following week I tried and failed again. Then on 24 November 2006 I posted this entry and it officially started My Heroin Recovery, I almost didn’t make it to Day 2 again… here is to remembering Day 1!

I remember a time when I woke up early in the mornings, energized and eager to start the day. I couldn’t wait to go to work and share my day with the same old faces and interesting new ones I would meet along the way. That was a time when I could come and go as I pleased with no question as to my actions or regret by me when they are done.

I remember money in the bank. It wasn’t much but it was there. I worked hard for it, every cent of it and I never stole a thing. It was a time when I had friends – real friends. Those that wanted to spend every moment with me because I was good conversation. Those that answered their phones when they saw your number because they knew you weren’t just using them or stealing from them. Those that weren’t ashamed to be seen with you in public.

I remember my mother and father. Two happy people who loved, trusted and respected me. Who slept at night because they didn’t worry about what their son was up to. Who cried when they saw a heartbreaking movie and not because they were hurt or disappointed, yet again. I remember a brother who spoke to me like we were best friends and didn’t ignore me like the plague.

I remember a day a long time ago when I would never have used heroin. The thought of heroin or a needle - it was unthinkable. I remember that day because I was not relying on anybody to feel normal or happy or in control. I didn’t spend hours waiting for dealers just to have a moment of gratification. Cravings were for chocolates and I could handle my emotions.

Yes, I remember a life. I don’t know if I can ever have it again. But this is me trying... this is Day One!

Day 39/21 - "First Day"

Monday, 1 January 2007 - Day 39/21 - "First Day"

It is the first day of 2007. Our party went down nicely although not totally as planned. We shot fireworks, danced, drank and even spent some time in a Jacuzzi. I didn’t use heroin, I didn’t drink too much – but I did catch a cold. I figure my immune system is still not what it is supposed to be. It only took a few seconds for me to dress warmly and still I got sick.

So, this day isn’t exactly being spent ideally. I got home at 10 o’clock this morning after partying from 6 yesterday night. So, I slept one part of the day and considering how I feel now I want to sleep the rest of it as well.

My parents were not exactly pleased with me when I got home this morning. My brother and his girlfriend were at the party with me. They went home around 5 o’clock this morning. I told my brother I would follow a bit later. So, he went to bed and slept. Apparently my room door blew shut by the wind and everybody thought I was inside sleeping. Even when they didn’t see my car outside they figured I drove my brother home because maybe he drank too much.

When they finally found out I wasn’t inside my room, they phoned me to find out where I was. The phone gave one ring and the battery died (I blame that on Murphy). I immediately jumped into the car and drove home to avoid issues. Still when I arrived home they weren’t pleased with me. My brother was still sleeping, so they didn’t know what happened to me.

I know they were probably worried. I can’t blame them considering all the events of last year. But to be truthfully honest – I didn’t do anything wrong. So, the initial worry I accept but if they want to continue being mad that is their problem. My hands are clean! I have behaved myself very nicely over the past few weeks and especially the weekend. I’ve done nothing to even raise a concern or suspicion of using again.

Tomorrow is back to work. Considering how I feel today, tomorrow is going to be torture. While I’m sitting here with flu and obviously feeling not very fresh I can at least remind myself that at least it is not Heroin Withdrawal.

Day 38/20 - "Go Big or Go Home (Part 2)"

Sunday, 31 December 2006 - Day 38/20 - "Go Big or Go Home (Part 2)"

Continues from Part 2...

Go big or go home. When it came to partying – that was our slogan…

The new years party came and it was one of the biggest, maddest parties ever. The last 2 raves I went to were daytime raves, so it was a big change doing it at night again. There were 5 dance floors each one playing a different genre of music. And of course, for somebody that comes from a town that rarely plays a decent song in any genre of music – I enjoyed it thoroughly.

I have to admit that heroin wasn’t the only drug I took that weekend. A party of that size rarely happened without me taking ecstasy aswell. Ecstasy has always been my favourite drug out of them all. I am a pill junky through and through… or at least I was! So, I missioned from one dance floor to the rest tripping, dancing and meeting new people.

It is New Year’s Eve – the last day of the year and this year especially I have something to celebrate. I am entering the New Year without heroin, together with all my friends. Considering where I was just a month ago I think it calls for a celebration. Tonight might not be spent the same as the previous years but it doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy it just as much!

To all my other friends out there who won’t be spending it with me – thank you for the support… and HAPPY NEW YEAR!