Saturday, 20 January 2007 - Day 58/40 - "3 Feet Under (By TiN)"
Withdrawal is like 3 feet under,
Halfway to my grave...
Retching into the toilet bowl
Attacking the centre core of my soul,
This parasitic hunger yearns for release
But the signs say Don't feed the beast.
Sweating profusely from this narcotic low
Remember : " You reap what you sow"
The memory of numbness fades
Learning to live life AGAIN, my latest escapade.
I'm the type
Who used to live life through a straw or pipe
Believed all the hype
Now i stare in the mirror
Sunken eyes speak of past failure
'Who are you?
you stranger
Seeking escape
You're a drug addict for fucks sake
Recovery is like being born again
Learning to survive through this unbelievable pain
Withdrawal is like being 3 feet under :
Deep darkness and burning hunger.
Halfway to my grave,
Entrenched in addiction, I'm the slave
The road to freedom
Strengthens my reason
to conquer this issue,
With many more a tissue
I want to live, natural high, let me try...
3 Feet under...
My pipe, my straw
Halfway to your grave...
Withdrawal is like 3 feet under,
Halfway to my grave...
Posted with permission by a Fellow Recovering Addict - TiN (read more here)
Day 58/40 - "3 Feet Under (By TiN)"
Day 57/39 – “A brown christmas"
Friday, 19 January 2007 - Day 57/39 – “A brown Christmas"
Firstly, this might sound a bit presumptuous... but a few people have asked me to e-mail my blog to them everyday. Since, I am already doing this for a few friends I gladly do it. Should there be somebody else who want the blog mailed to them daily aswell, please send me your e-mail address at tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za
Secondly, as I said last week on Saturdays I'll be posting something written by somebody else. Tomorrow's post is by a fellow recovering addict and is really a brilliant piece. On Sunday - a new poll to learn more about the drug habbits of the blogging world plus the results from the previous poll.
Thirdly, I think most of my friends will agree I have a good sense of humour. I hope you fill find the humour in the following video. There are so much negativity and depressing things to say about heroin and it is nice to sometimes just lay back, relax and even just smile.
I'm sure the intention when making it was not to offend anybody struggling with the problem, as it is also not mine by posting it. If I can find the humour in this... I'm sure anybody can!
Hope you have power long enough to watch. Let me know what you think!
Day 56/38 – “I had a dream… (remembering)"
Thursday, 18 January 2007 - Day 56/38 – “I had a dream… (remembering)"
There are still people out there confused about the numbers on the top of each blog. The first number is the days since I’ve been in recovery. The second number is the amount of days since I last took heroin. These numbers were never supposed to be different – but hey, things don’t always work out that way. Rest assured I have NOT taken. But I still remember the day that started the split, disappointing, angering and saddening a lot of people. Here is the original post from Tuesday, 12 December 2006 - Day 19/1 - "I had a dream..."
I had a dream last night. A dream so vivid the particulars lies permanently imprinted in my mind. Every detail leaves me craving for more. I usually don’t remember my dreams – but the heroin dreams I never forget. Some dreams are so intensely real that they turn into wet-dreams. In my dream, I remember phoning the dealer, waiting for the pickup, preparing the heroin and injecting – it is all so real to me when I dream. At times my mind makes it so real that I have to pinch myself occasionally to make sure that I am still dreaming. I pinched myself last night… and found it wasn’t a dream anymore – this time it was real!
I don’t know what to say. I’m angry at myself, disappointed, looking for a reason: a good one, a bad one, anything that will help me understand – but there is nothing! I didn’t plan it, I didn’t want to take, I don’t want to take now – but it still happened.
My parents are furious. They almost kicked me out of the house last night, without a phone or a car. All my bank cards, credit cards, clothing cards were destroyed in anger. I know I messed up, what I don’t know is: Why!? I took less than a quarter of the quantity I normally took and I’m still sitting here in my towering drug high and never-ending sickness hoping I’ll figure out what triggered it – what can I do to avoid it next time? I am mere seconds away from being shipped to Rehab. If I as much as look in the wrong direction I’m off.
It is not easy writing today’s blog. Even though I made a promise when I started this blog to be truthful at all times - It breaks my heart to publicly admit I failed. I made it to Day 18 and in one minute of confident celebration at a clean drug test I lost it all again. I wasn’t sure if I should even continue with another post today. Doesn’t this just signal the inevitable end of My Heroin Recovery now?
I’m sorry, friends, that this had to be the topic for today. I have been trying to convince myself to keep on fighting. The person writing this blog entry today is a much stronger and wiser person than the one that wrote down the words ‘Day 1’. I made a mistake and regretted it 2 seconds after it happened. It was as if I was a 3rd person looking onto the events unable to say or do a thing, it was like I was just having a dream – a bad dream!
P.S) Three days left to vote on the poll on the right!
Day 55/37 – “Tom, Dick and Heroin"
Wednesday, 17 January 2007 - Day 55/37 – “Tom, Dick and Heroin"
The poem yesterday was written a while back. So, rest assured I was not in that kind of mood yesterday. Interestingly enough I started writing the poem before I ever even took heroin (but obviously thinking about taking…) and finished it while I was addicted to it.
I have increasingly been improving over the past few days. My pain, especially the depression, is slowly disappearing. I am so excited knowing that one of these days I am going to wake up and even the pain and discomfort I feel now will be a distant memory of my previous heroin use.
My day at the office yesterday was a disaster. Since it is work related I can’t reveal the problem – but it shook the whole company from cleaner to owner. I literally and strangely sat trembling in my chair after hearing the news. I’m not sure why, guess the news at that moment was just a bit unexpected and overwhelming.
I’m not sure if it is in my head or not, but after hearing the news yesterday I felt pretty bad again. Almost as if the pain in my muscles, joints, legs, bones and head – were all connected to my mood of the day – which I presume it could be. I got home last night and just lay down thinking. Mostly of the problems that was facing us and what I could to from my side to solve them. And then it occurred to me…
Here I was, facing one of the biggest, most stressful things that have happened in my 6 years with the company and I was handling it. The just-60-days-ago version of me would have found an excuse earlier on during the day to slip away and buy heroin. I would have been emotionless, oblivious to the problems, detached from finding a solution.
I got an e-mail yesterday of a person “proud” of my recovery and more importantly my honesty. I go through a day like this and although I am proud of my 55 days, I am most proud of days like these: My true sign of recovery, of making progress, of leaving that life behind and moving forward. When the day to day issues and problems that would normally send me fleeing to the dealer – are handled just like other people would – without drugs!
Day 54/36 - "Bargaining with the devil"
Tuesday, 16 January 2007 - Day 54/36 - "Bargaining with the devil"
I hurt myself with a knife today.
Deeper marks different from the way I would normally play.
Marks to prove I was still alive, I could still feel the pain,
which after all of this bleeding I still contain.
I am dangerously close to stepping over this line.
This line of things and of people that I would normally decline.
Things I would never even dare to discover,
lying in my reach… in undecided hover.
I remember the feeling. I remember the time
when doing these things were a much bigger crime.
Perhaps not by law but by moral degree
were those substances we now too often see.
Dulled by habit and expensive addiction.
Fuelled by issues and dayly friction.
Kept alive through instigation.
Drugged to forget our obligation.
Organs damaged beyond restoration
to dance and dance till dehydration.
Calling the devil for my assasination.
Today it is me the devil is greeting.
After countless years of avoiding this meeting.
It is fate that has brought me here to accomplish my goal.
I am here to sell my soul!
To try the things of which I”ve always pondered
and to get the answers of which I’ve always wondered.
I am being chased by the dragon across the line
shaking hands with the devil for one last time.
There is no turning back from this poison I spray
While I hurt myself with a knife today!
Day 53/35 - "Gillmore Boys"
Monday, 15 January 2007 - Day 53/35 - "Gillmore Boys"
I met somebody a few days ago. I’ve been trying for two days to get the words to describe my feelings. I’m totally infatuated! We spend the whole night talking. It was like I was doing a scripted conversation in a “Gilmore Girls” episode. It was almost rhythmic, like a ball bouncing back and forth between us… each one with something to say.
Yes, I’m totally infatuated! It should imply that it is something romantic but… regrettably it is not. I won’t get the fairy tale ending just yet, for several reasons: sexual preference, an existing relationship and of course, the ever dangling heroin addiction.
I’m not supposed to be involved with anybody. Perhaps I’ve watched too many movies but I think I’m supposed to get a plant first. If the plant doesn’t die I can get a pet and if the pet lives I can move onto human beings. Unfortunately, I’ve never been good with keeping plans alive – so it is going to take a while!
My previous relationships were rocky. There were a lot of ups and downs and it was emotional at the best of times. I try and imagine a relationship in the future and wonder how I would react to those same situations now. Since, the other night won’t result in a relationship the best case scenario will be friends. But it will be friends with a very talented, interesting, funny, creative and intelligent human being.
My choices are much more responsible and grownup now. Any situation that could potentially let me even think of taking heroin again is totally avoided. So, even if cupid’s arrow hit us both the other night and we fell madly in love – I’m pretty sure having a relationship would be something I avoided!
Day 52/34 - "Me, myself and I!"
Sunday, 14 January 2006 - Day 52/34 - "Me, myself and I!"
Thank you to the people that have voted in the Poll this past week. 63 votes of whom 70% don't miss an entry. To those that haven't voted yet, hope you'll participate on the right.
Also, I am changing my avatar and need your opinion. As always I'm keeping it honest and real - so all of them are me... hope you'll help me chose a new one below!
