Saturday, 10 March 2007
Day 107 / 30 (59) – “Heroin (a Poem by Mandy)”
Heroin, Heroin, with all of its glory
let me tell you about my story
Heroin, Heroin, with all of its fame
its the one I take the blame
Heroin, Heroin, feels good in my veins
and it relieves all of my pains
When I first starting shootin' it, it turned me on
now I regret it when its gone
Its only been hours since I ran out
my once soothed nerves begin to shout
I start to yawn and I sneeze
I beg my dealer" I need some PLEASE!"
I need a fix before the Jones
begins to run throughout my bones
I sweat and shiver
and my stomach begins to quiver
I puke and shit
hours after my last hit
As time goes by I get sicker and I curse
"these withdrawal symptoms only get worse!"
I thought shooting H was slick
but now I am very sick
As I wait for my dealers beep
I try to get some sleep
I pray and hope
that he will arrive with some dope
I can't wait to stick the needle in my arm
Why must I do so much harm?
These withdrawal symptoms are driving me crazy
my mind is getting hazy
Until my dealer answers my call
he tells me to meet him at the mall
I literally get on my hands and knees for this punk
he's the man who deals out my junk
I buy just enough to last a day
this should make me feel okay
I just want to feel well after this deal
who cares if I haven't any money left for a meal
I take out my needle and I boot
I start to feel it as I shoot
Within seconds I feel well
I say to myself "Oh what the hell"
the rush feels good and the Jones went away
only to return the very next day
Around and around this monkey I am chasing
my body not knowing what its facing
If I keep going at this rate
the needle will control my fate
But whenever I try to stop
the craving takes a hold of me and I flop
Its like my only lover is my dope
without it there is no hope
I become self centered caring only of me
I have no friends nor family
whenever I nod out
I can't hear the people that care shout
I keep on telling myself "I need to end this madness
this heroin business brings nothing but sadness"
I avoid all of my connections
and fight my urge for injections
If I don't stop all of this abuse
I will wind up living like a recluse
I need to kick this fucking monkey
and end my life as a junkie
To remain clean
is to avoid the heroin scene
Day 107 – “Heroin (a Poem by Mandy)”
Day 106 – “Maybe we should just be friends!”
Friday, 9 March 2007
Day 106 / 29 (59) – “Maybe we should just be friends!”
I haven’t quite been in the best of moods this week. I’ve been feeling sore and depressed and irritated the whole week. This morning when I woke up it hit me like a brick… I’m starting to get the flu. That familiar virus feeling spreading through your body is unmistakable. My immune system is pretty much non-existent still as it tries and recover from all the stuff I was injecting!
At least I think I know where the problem lies, or all of it except the depression. I’m drinking a handful filled with vitamin pills to help boost my system in the hope it will work. I already feel better just knowing where the problem lies. And after we pretty much rearranged the whole house I found my pain pills in a box at the office. Don’t ask me how it got there, but I’m just glad I found them.
It is Friday and the weekend is here. I’m watching ‘Chris Chameleon’ tonight at the Polokwane Show. I’ve missed two of his concerts in Polokwane already and this was my chance to get to see him live. I’m a big fan off all different kinds of music and like to see the artists perform live. One of my favorite types of music is house music.
Every song I hear I long for the clubs. I’m trying to get my brother or at least some of my friends to go with me to the local club. I guess I could go alone and I’m sure my parents would only slightly mind, but for everybody’s peace of mind I’d rather go with some supervision.
Anyway, you’ll all be glad to know besides the lurking flue and mounting depression I’m feeling very well with no desire to involve heroin in my life again. I’m going out of the house and hopefully will be meeting new people along the way. As for missing relationships, I guess most relationships starts with friends anyway. So, I’ll focus on making some new friends for now and strengthen the ties with my existing friends.
I just hope heroin hasn’t destroyed that part of me!
Day 105 – “Travelling to nowhere!”
Thursday, 8 March 2007
Day 105 / 28 (59) – “Travelling to nowhere!”
The Polokwane show started yesterday. I went primarily for the live performances they had there. However, I was all alone! I wasn’t alone because I chose not to have anybody with me, even though I guess at times I would make myself believe that. No, I was alone because out of all the people I knew, all the acquaintances I had only a handful of them remained. And searching between them I probably wouldn’t find anybody to share this moment with.
This whole week has been one depressing thought after another. It’s not just the thought of being alone in my sexual or relationship life, its being alone in my friendship life. I saw somebody last night that reminded me so much of my ex. I sent an SMS to say that I missed my EX and got a reply back that the feeling was mutual. That was a bit unexpected. Just too bad the relationship never worked out and now the distance between us makes it impossible.
I took a break form the usual blog routine. Actually a break from anything routine in my life – except going to work. I just needed… I don’t know... a holiday! Since this whole addiction started, before my parents knew, before I even knew I had a problem - I haven’t had a day off. It has been working and recovering or trying at least for long over a year. And with all the stuff at work I can’t really take a break now so it will continue like this for a few more weeks.
Let’s say by some miracle I do get off, where would I honestly go with the huge debt free salary I get to deposit into my bank account every month? And yes, friends that is my attempt at sarcasm. And staying at home is really no holiday either. As much as I love my family I’ve been locked away with them for way too long.
And if I ignored the bunch of debtors on my tail and spent money on a holiday I’m sure I’d leave my family behind worrying if I was okay. Was I contacting one of the dealer’s brothers or uncles or nephews spread across the country for my next fix?
I guess then its good that I can’t take off from work. This way I don’t have to face any of those difficult decisions and everybody can rest easily, well, almost everybody!
Day 104 – “Digging up the Money Tree”
Wednesday, 7 March 2007
Day 104 / 27 (59) – “Digging up the Money Tree”
I’m afraid I have to report that I don’t feel much better today. I don’t know what is going on. If this is because of the alcohol this past weekend, I guess I brought it on myself, but it is slightly unexpected. Feels like a train hit me last night again – a big one. I’m irritated, sore, depressed… arggggg….
And to put the icing on the cake I lost a whole bottle of pain pills. Last I remember the pills were in my room and when I checked on Monday the whole bottle was gone. I’ve turned my room and most of the house upside down searching for it – with no luck.
It is not overlay expensive pills but it is hard to come by. Its natural pain pills because I can’t really take anything else. At the rate I sometimes have to take them I’ll get addicted to that as well. It specifically targets the leg and muscle pain I’ve been having – which is my worst symptoms. Of course, feeling like this everyday is still a reminder of my foolishness to take heroin again.
As I was looking for the pills yesterday I found it quite scary. Here I was looking for a box of pills that cost me around the same as a hit of heroin used to cost. And to think there was a time I spent that amount 2-3 times a day – EVERY SINGLE DAY. I can’t begin to imagine the amount of money I have spent on drugs on in my lifetime.
Of course, I am still paying most of it off. My salary every month goes directly to the parents and I get a few rands every week to spend when I go out. That is probably one of the hardest things. I was used to spending money anytime, anywhere. Now, I have to ask for an allowance again. Even though my whole salary goes to them, they still pay a huge portion of it out of their own bank account every month. So, I’m really grateful.
Somebody asked me yesterday how much debt I have. To be honest with you, I haven’t checked in a while and I’m not really up for it. It will be too depressing. At least now I have this misguided perception that I’m actually making financial progress. I wouldn’t want to burst that bubble.
Day 103 – “Unlikely love”
Tuesday, 6 March 2007
Day 103 / 26 (59) – “Unlikely love”
Yesterday was quite a good day at work even for a Monday. I am really enjoying it there. We are getting busy but strangely we seem to get more work done than at the other building. I think maybe it is because we have a new boss that checks up on us. I must say as much I enjoyed my job at the previous building, I can’t wait to get to work in the mornings now. I’m very fortunate in that way I guess. Many people dread going to their job every day.
The day went pretty well until I got home. I sat on the couch thinking how wonderful it would have been if I had somebody here to share this day with. To just sit here, stare at the ceiling or each other and talk about the events of our day together. I miss that, in a friend and in a love.
But as you’ll get to know aswell, I’m very impatient. Always want things to happen today. And in the same way I guess I wanted my life back yesterday already. This whole weekend was filled with people in love and on the verge of getting ingaged, getting married, having children. The whole time I’m thinking JUST SLOW DOWN… I still have to find somebody. All these unlikely people that find love, that settle down, doing it long before I can ever dream of it.
I felt quite sorry for myself last night and decided to sleep it off and see how I feel this morning. I woke up this morning still thinking about all of it, but perhaps just with a bit more clarity. I’ve been sitting at home for the past, I don’t know how long. And its my own fault. If it wasn’t for the lapses things could have been different already. I can only go out now, meet new people again and experience things (non drug related). I should give myself some time, even though I’m impatient to get on with my life. And who knows… If I’m really lucky I’ll find somebody to just sit with, stare at the each other and talk about our day.
Day 102 – “What they did wrong?”
Monday, 5 March 2007
Day 102 / 25 (59) – “What they did wrong?”
We had lunch yesterday with my brother’s soon to be inlaws. It was quite an interesting and eventful day. It was the first time I’ve actually spent a whole afternoon with all of them and I would welcome them to the family any day. The subject of my heroin addiction came up, as it is common knowledge in most of our families. Since one of their family members had the problem, their dad as somebody who technically speaks from experience had a chat with me.
He said two things to me. One which I’ve come to know as truth since starting my recovery and something completely new to me that maybe I’ve never thought of before.
The one thing he said to me was that this choice lay with me. No matter what I did, what happened, who tried to do what for me. In the end the decision to take or not to take lay in my hands and mine alone. If I really wanted to – no force on earth would stop me to get it. He saw it in his family – I knew it to be true in mine.
But the second part of the conversation caught me off guard. I knew my parents probably blamed me many times for the pain and destruction I caused the whole family. None of them started using heroin but all of them were thrown into this whirlpool of affects due to heroin abuse. What I never considered was that maybe at a time my parents thought it is all THEIR fault?
Could they really have been asking themselves all this time what they did wrong? Where they slipped up? I guess all parents want the best for their children and this life wasn’t exactly the best for me. I haven’t been the most model of kids after high school. I shocked them year after year with yet another truth that probably made them wonder what they did wrong?
My parents haven’t read the blog yet. I’m hoping they’ll start soon and whenever or wherever they start to read it, they’ll get to this day eventually. I want them to read this entry and remember...
Not the bad things I’ve done, thinking that they could or should have done something differently, because nothing they did or said could have changed the course of these events. I’m hoping it all happened for a reason, and so it would have found a way to happen, anyway. I want them to remember what a strong boy they raised. Able to make his own mistakes and more importantly learn from them. Able to count his losses and rise up from them more determined, more positive – and stronger. That is the boy they raised – and in my eyes there is nothing wrong with that.
Day 101 – “101 ways”
Sunday, 4 March 2007
Day 101 / 24 (59) – “101 ways”
A hundred and one. They always have these books on a 101 ways to understand your wife or a 101 ways to make love or a 101 ways to have fun. Donald Trump published a book on a 101 ways to make a success and I’m sure if Oprah Winfrey published one her research on a 101 ways to lose weight – would come in very handy. The point is, a 101 is normally associated with… well… Dalmatians and improvement in some way or form.
So, accordingly I thought of ways to improve my own life. I’ve spend the last 100 days trying to overcome one of the most difficult things every thrown my way. I know that I’m nowhere close to be okay yet but I think I can safely work on ways to improve my life a bit.
I don’t have a 101 things yet, but I have a few and I think I’ll spend the next 101 days working on them a bit. Firstly, I’m definitely going out more. To the mall, to the movies, to the clubs to the snake park if I have to… but I desperately need to get out of this house a bit more. Secondly, I would love to write more as it is something I deeply love. These two items have led to my other blog containing a bit more stories about my daily life in my hometown. If you like this blog I hope you’ll check in there aswell. Thirdly I want to catch up with some of my friends again. I still have so many friendships that were hurt during my heroin use and a lot of them need a lot of work.
And lastly the thing I want to do most this year is learn how to cook. I make a mess of eggs at the moment so it is not going to be an easy lesson. I’ve also found it so interesting. To me it is just like writing or like taking photos (which I like as well). Every dish is the creation of a story told by every bite. I’m sure a lot of moms forced to do tedious cooking every night will disagree with that statement. Even so, I want to learn how to do that – without poising my family.
There a lot more stuff to work on and in another 101 days I hope to report back that I’ve started on most on them. In the mean time we’ll continue with the 101 ways to stop taking heroin.
