Friday, 25 May 2007
Day 182 - "Alternate Communication"
It has been just over 6 months now since I chased heroin out of my life in the hope to live a normal life again. Half a year spent trying to undo the damage that years has caused in my life.
Things are going great. I am really optimistic about my days and the constant fear of a possible mishap doesn’t hover in my mind like it used to. I can’t ask for anything more.
Changing the blog a few weeks back turned out to be a very good choice. Since then people have urged me to go to schools and talk to kids and stuff. This is something I don’t nearly feel comfortable with yet. In all fairness I am still fighting my own fight – I can hardly fight anybody elses. But I do hope that even though my blogging is not daily anymore that you still read it and find something to learn from it.
My ex and I have been communicating for a few weeks now over the phone (SMS, MMS and MXIt) and on Saturday after the rugby match was the first time we spoke in 2 years. The purpose of the call, of course, was to rubb my nose in the fact that the sharks lost. In those few minutes of long awaited audio I remembered so much of the good times we had together. It is strange that when the good times are so good, you tend to forget about how bad the bad times were.
I spoke to a friend yesterday. He is about the closest thing I’ve got to a best friend. We’ve been friends for ages, since he was at school. He was out of the country for a while and then came back and moved to Pretoria. I realized last night that I haven’t mentioned anything about heroin to him since this started or ended. In fact, thinking about it now, even my ex is oblivious to the topic.
And it is not that I don’t want to tell them. Afterall, it has been an honest subject over the past few months. It’s just, that they mean too much to me for them to hear it over a phone or even read it in a blog.
Day 182 - "Alternate Communication"
Day 180 - "Ibogaine"
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Day 180 - "Ibogaine"
A while back I asked people to send me their experiences with a treatment called Ibogaine. I first heard of Ibogaine through a friend of mine, after he saw an Interview of it on Carte Blanche. At the time I was still pretty deep into the addiction and every morning I woke up I realized it was only getting harder. There was finally something that could possibly help me quit.
A while back I asked people to send me their experiences with a treatment called Ibogaine. I first heard of Ibogaine through a friend of mine, after he saw an Interview of it on Carte Blanche. At the time I was still pretty deep into the addiction and every morning I woke up I realized it was only getting harder. There was finally something that could possibly help me quit.
The treatment is quite expensive, but then again, you can’t really put a price on somebody’s life. Somehow, asking for more money from my parents, after all I had already taken from them – seemed inappropriate. But I don’t doubt that they would have helped me. In fact, they offered many times.
My friend, was much worse off than I was. Some days you could see his body was on the verge of just giving up the fight. I spent so many nights worrying about whether or not he was going to make it – and realizing it would also be my fate unless I stopped. He went to the Centre in Kempton Park in the hope that this would be his miracle cure.
From the e-mails I received the treatment was, very appropriately, described as ‘either the WORST or BEST Acid Trip’. Having taken Acid myself on too many occasions to remember I know it can be a delightful experience or a nightmare. To my friend, it was a nightmare, but an e-mail I got described it as ‘FUCKING AMAZING’. I guess it goes to show every person reacts to it differently.
In a nut-shell it is a treatment that leaves you without the withdrawals or cravings that normally go with heroin recovery. And as bad as my friend found the ‘trip’ he did come back with what seemed like a new lust for life. I really believed that heroin would never be part of his life again. But getting off heroin isn’t as easy as 1, 2, 3, even with a miracle cure. Regrettably, my friend relapsed within a few weeks. This still happens to a lot of the people, even those coming from the Ibogaine treatment.
Now, I’ve never been there so I can’t really comment from personal experience. All I can say is to me recovery was hell to go through. Most addicts will give up trying before they even get close to ever being ‘normal’ again. And it sounds like Ibogaine is the best fighting tool they have at the moment. It is apparently also effective on coke, ecstasy, cat and even alcohol.
Wonder treatment or not, the fact remains that unless you want to be helped, want to stop, want to live a normal life again – you’ll end back with heroin in your arms every time!
You can check out the SA website on Ibogaine. This might just be the thing that saves your life.
Day 179 - "Nothing"
Tuesday, 22 May 2007
Day 179 - "Nothing"
Since putting my e-mail address on the blog I’ve received a few more e-mails than usual of people telling me their own stories. It is shocking to hear how many in this country and abroad have similar problems themselves or with their loved ones. But there were two stories that really stood out.
What can you really do to help an addict? I asked myself this question for most of last week, trying to solve it for myself and somebody else. I know, better than most will ever understand, the hold that drugs can have on your life. Even those that use drugs but aren’t addicts will not grasp the grip of it on your mind, your body and your life. But whether you are an addict or a casual user, one thing will remain the same – you must want to stop!
So, how do you as a father or a mother, brother, sister or friend help a person that doesn’t want to be helped? And believe me, that happens. I convinced myself for months I wanted to stop, I wanted to get better but I lied to myself and to those around me. Deep down inside I still wanted to take, I still needed it and I still wanted it. No matter what anybody did, where they sent me or for how long – I would still fall back until I really wanted to stop.
I wish there was this miracle cure I could magically reveal. This potent phrase you could say that would make somebody see the light. I wish that I could tell you to follow my every step and that would be the path to get over it… but it isn’t as simple as that! I think to myself, if I had kids (even with the knowledge I have now) and I found out they were using heroin and that they weren’t ready to stop. What could I do? What could I say? And the answer…?
Nothing! Doesn’t that just make you feel so helpless. That must be what my parents felt like all those months – helpless! Going through every single day seeing their child slowly die and having no real action to take against it. Nothing!
Day 178 - "The day I got an itch!"
Monday, 21 May 2007
Day 178 - "The day I got an itch!"
I remember the first time I started withdrawing from heroin, like it was yesterday. It started much the same as all the other times would. The first time I injected heroin was not even 4 days before that day – and I had already spiked more than 5 times.
I took too much the previous night. My body clearly didn’t like what I was pumping through it and I became very sick. I was nauseous the whole night and my face was as white as snow. Everytime I injected heroin I could taste it in my mouth. I could still taste it from the night before, it was all I tasted!
I slept over at a friend’s house, so most of what happened lay oblivious to my parents. Thinking back I wonder if anything would have turned out differently, had they found out that day. I had to go to work and calling in sick had never been in option in my time there. Starting now would never be accepted. I cleaned up as best I could and went to the office. As the day progressed I looked worse and got sicker. They finally sent me home. I imagine that day already raised some warning flags, but my manipulating would start then, only to be perfected over time.
I felt much better the following day. I could keep food down again but I could hardly walk. My whole body had this numbness to it that I had never felt before. I just wanted to lie down, close my eyes and forget! Of course being sick a second day at the office would be a dead give away that something serious was wrong – so my acting performance began. Today I would act like a normal human being, full of energy, full of life – not sick, not withdrawing – no heroin!
My legs started paining, or it was more of an itch back then really. An itch deep down inside in your bones where you could never scratch. No matter how I stood, how I lay, how I sat, how I tried to sleep – it was there, itching, paining. Every day I woke up hoping it would be gone and every day it was still there, reminding me I took heroin. I woke up one morning and that relentless throbbing in my legs had vanished.
That very same night I met up with my friends again. I wish to this day I can remember the thoughts in my head because that day would prove to change my life forever. I remember the night, the venue, the people there with me. But for the life of me I cannot remember why! I took heroin again that night and the day after that and the day after that. It started an endless sequence of events that would continue day after day after day. My itch would eventually grow into a pain and in the end into flesh-tearing agony that would never go away.
Thinking back today I realize I spent most of last year sick or withdrawing. The whole year was one big fight to stay healthy and kick the habit. As the seasons change people around me are getting sick and I can feel my fragile immune system still fighting to stay healthy. And the thing is, how terrible I might feel if I should catch something now, I am eternally grateful it will not be a year of withdrawing again!
Day 177 - "Would you change?"
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Sunday, 20 May 2007
Day 177 - "Would you change?"
If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?
If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?
Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?
If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?
Lyrics to a song by Tracy Chapman - "Change"
The following video is of Dominic Monaghan (Charlie) in Lost. The song of Tracy Chapman is playing in the background. Very appropriately, if you follow Lost, Charlie was also a heroin addict, who eventually decided to change his life. Be Warned though - there is part of this clip that might be considered a 'Lost Spoiler'.
