Day 114 – “Joy that banishes all reason (by Oliver Madla)”

Saturday, 17 March 2007
Day 114 / 37 (59) – “Joy that banishes all reason (by Oliver Madla)”

There is a joy that banishes all reason,
An ecstasy so vast it has no shore,
A craving that devours all decision,
A lust for nothingness that lusts for more.
There are angels in pursuit of pain
Who take Satanic pride in degradation,
Who'll drag you down the hill and back again
Hosanna-ing your sweet humiliation.
Just like a fire fanned by a hot, dry wind,
Or like a flood that sweeps away all will,
This wall of pleasure leaves no one behind,
No sign of life where all one loves lies still.
So does the soul in anguish hate the joy
That soothes the hate that does the soul destroy.

Day 113 – “Remembering my Big Fancy House”

Friday, 16 March 2007
Day 113 / 36 (59) – “Remembering my Big Fancy House”

Originally posted 37 days ago, right before I lapsed again, here is “My Big Fancy House!”


My mind is a house - A big fancy house, with a huge wall surrounding it and electric fencing keeping the burglars out. I feel safe in my house because no matter who tries and get in – my fence will protect me.

One day I look outside the window and I see my old friend heroin standing there. I remember the good times we used to have together even though we didn’t part on good terms. He was a user and abuser throughout our friendship and in the end he didn’t care about me one bit. Even so, we still had good times together.

Maybe he has changed, I tell myself. Maybe things could be like they used to be, before it all turned bad. Maybe I should give him another chance! Or maybe he hasn’t. Maybe he is still the same old devil he has always been. I close the window! My house is still safe, I am still safe!

Perhaps I don’t even see him standing across the road. I don’t want to know him, talk to him, see him anymore. That part of my life is over and I wouldn’t recognize him if he stood next to me. But he is there still there looking for ways to get in.

The storms that hang over my head, darken my house as the power goes off again. It has happened a lot lately. It is too dark in the house for me to see anything. I keep bumping into tables and boxes. I don’t see him climbing over the wall – I won’t see him until he is inside the house, standing next to me - greeting me, like he never left!


Two of the people I met through the blogs, have family members who are also heroin addicts and they recently relapsed. A relapse by a fellow recovering addict places everything in such a clear perspective for you. This hallmark moment of easy heroin recovery is crushed when reality reminds you – nothing about this is easy!

At times like these you want to ask them: “Why…? Why would you take again? Why after fighting for so long would you ever consider the thought?” And when you hear the news you want to be angry or hurt, you want to fight with them, blame them… But it isn’t their fault. They were watching the gate. They thought the fence was protecting them. But Heroin is the one that wants to get in… Heroin is the one that will find a way in!

Day 112 – “Remembering a beautiful mind…”

Thursday, 15 March 2007
Day 112 / 35 (59) – “Remembering a beautiful mind…”


Originally posted on Day 68 on 30 January 2007… here is remembering ‘A beautiful mind’…


Addiction, as typically defined, is a reliance on a substance or behavior that the individual has little power to resist. It is further described as a “brain disease” and a “chronic relapsing disease” in that there are visible alterations in the brains of addicted individuals and these effects are long-lasting within their neurological patterns.

My name is Christiaan, some of you know me as Tristan (TB) and I am an addict.

Sometimes I struggle to come to terms with it. There is a part of me that believes this is all a bad dream and when I pinch myself I will wake up with little memory of this traumatic nightmare. There is a part of me that believes when I wake up tomorrow I will be cured. That longing will no longer be inside of me and I master the act of stopping and stopping and stopping.

There are people out there that perhaps seem a bit perplexed by the idea of addiction. How it is that a person cannot stop at one or two or three when they so easily accomplish the supposedly insignificant task themselves? I ask myself the very same question sometimes, testing myself, testing fate (if you want) to see if I have learned to stop and to stop and to stop.

I find comfort in the fact that I am asking these questions and querying these situations. As I am reminded everyday by the people that keep me sane, that keep me positive, that keep me well – I am trying to be better. I am examining my life, admitting to my problems and trying to change them. I guess you can call that recovery – so at best I’m a recovering addict.

One is too many and a thousand is never enough. These are the words that addicts live by, because for them there is no stopping at two, there is no stopping until nothing is left: No money, no family, and no life! And for addicts there will always be that longing that need to start something, just once and just once and… just once!

Day 111 – “Call him my brother!”

Wednesday, 14 March 2007
Day 111 / 34 (59) – “Call him my brother!”

I’m very fortunate that boredom rarely features on my day to day activities. Between reading my favourite blogs everyday and my own blog entries I keep busy. I do computer programming in my free time and I have my favourite TV programs that I watch every night and if I should miss it I make sure the VCR is recording.

So, overall I’m keeping myself fairly busy. Of course I’m still trying to do some of the things I haven’t done in a very long time – like cooking. My brother and I are working on a project together at the moment. I can’t give any details yet, but I promise to post the result on the blog once it is done.

My brother and I are getting along famously. I remember how worried I was about our friendship on Day 1. I guess he started off very sympathetic towards me. I mean, his older brother was going through something, which fair enough he caused himself, but nevertheless struggling to get rid off. He was always there for me. I could count on him to talk to, to listen – even though it was the last thing I wanted to do at that time.

As time went by his attitude changed. I was in this cycle of taking, getting caught, saying I’m sorry and I’ll never do it again, to taking again. Night after night he stayed in a house where you could cut the tension with a knife. He stayed among the fights and the crying and the worry - he clearly also had enough.

He said that until I got clean, really clean, things were not going to be the same between us. I couldn’t blame him. To him it must have looked as if I really didn’t want to stop. As if I wasn’t trying at all. But I was. It is still something I can’t explain to anybody. How you can say, mean and be determined to become clean, get your life in order, never take heroin again – and the first craving sends you directly to the dealer without even blinking.

In the beginning I used to say a lot that I’m sorry, because it wasn’t me. It was a drug addict saying those things, doing those things. To a drug addict there isn’t things like a brother or a mother or a father, or a son or a daughter… there is only a person to steal from, to lie to, to forget… there is only heroin.

Since my brother and I are close again I guess he too has seen that my intentions this time is true. My word still means nothing and I can’t blame anybody for that besides myself. All I can do is show them in my actions that I am changing!

Day 110 – “Kicking the Habbit”

Tuesday, 13 March 2007
Day 110 / 33 (59) – “Kicking the Habbit”

I was watching a future Prison Break Episode (Episode 10) today. One of the characters asks another: “Do you think there is a part of you that enjoys this? Being on the run and the danger and the fear and the rush and all that? It feels to me like chasing a high!”

Saying I’m an addict on this blog sometimes, I tend to classify myself as heroin addict alone. I look at other drugs and although I’ve been addicted to most of them before, after heroin they all seem like childsplay. I look at alcohol and it doesn’t seem like a problem taking a sip, drinking one. I mean, I’m a heroin addict right!?

Looking back on my life I’ve been addicted many times in my life. I’ve been addicted to gambling, to drinking, to taking drugs, hell probably even sex. I’ve been addicted to people to places, to so many things.

I’ve been addicted to the rush, to the thrill – to the high! The mission of planning, getting and organizing sometimes surpassed the feeling of the drugs themselves. I guess I still find myself addicted to that part. It is scary looking at it like that. Could staying away from drugs actually be the easy part? I know what to avoid and who to avoid to make sure my path stays clear from drugs. But around me at this very moment are all these other things that can eventually put me back at Square one – without even coming close to drugs.

Somebody pointed out to me today that the best way to get over a bad habit is to get addicted to a good one. And I don’t think that there is better proof than I am today. I got addicted to this blogging thing a long time ago. This good blogging habbit helped me to quit the bad heroin habbit and for that I am grateful.

If there is a part of me that enjoys it - the run, the danger, the fear, the rush and the high then I guess my problems are only beginning, aren’t they?

Day 109 – “Decidedly Brilliant”

Monday, 12 March 2007
Day 109 / 32 (59) – “Decidedly Brilliant”

It feels like ages since I’ve made a blog entry. I wish I could say the week went well, but I honestly don’t know how it went. Last week was just an emotional rollercoaster. One day I feel okay and the next so depressed I just want to lie in my bed, forget and be forgotten. The whole weekend I was in bed, sore, irritated, grumpy and still depressed. I would love to know what is going on!

Friday night I went to the Polokwane Show again and this time around it turned out much better. ‘Chris Chameleon’ was there and I saw him perform live for the first time. What a character! What a voice! I was shouting and screaming at the top of my voice. Definitely glad I went to see that. I met a friend there and we walked around and checked all the different stalls. As we were walking I bumped into one person I knew after another. Some meetings were only a nod by aquiantances – but definitely an improvement from the solo performance on Wednesday.

Everybody at my office decided that we were going to wear pink shirts and jeans on Friday in memory of Sheldean. Even my mom got into her jeans, or ‘squeezed’ into them, as she refers to it. It looked like our new office wear. What amazed me more was getting to the showgrounds. People were standing together against what happened to this little girl, against crime in general and you could see it in a wave of pink and blue spread across the crowd. It was like everybody got this memo before dressing to go to the show.

I’ve thought long and hard yesterday about what was happening to me. Why I was feeling this way. And I don’t really have the answers yet, but I know I’m not spending another week like this. I used to be a very optimistic, happy-clappy chap – now… I don’t know what I am. So, I’m thinking positive this week and see if it will change my frame of mind.

One thing is for sure heroin will not solve it. I’m happy to report that the thought of taking hasn’t even occurred to me. Its not an option. Doesn’t matter how I feel, how bad the pain still gets – as long as NO is the answer to the question – I’m doing brilliantly!

Day 108 – “Poll/Discussion 6”

Sunday, 11 March 2007
Day 108 / 31 (59) – “Poll/Discussion 6”

In preparation for a future blog entry I am asking the following question to get your input for the next two weeks.

Do you have any experiences with Rehab or a treatment called ‘Ibogaine’ you would like to share? Did you go to Rehab and did it help you or do you think it is a waste of time? Same goes for ‘Ibogaine’!

You can comment or send me an e-mail at tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za
Remember if you would like this blog e-mailed to you daily please conact me and I'll add you to the mailing list.