Friday, 16 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 10 in Rehab"
Rehab, 10 April 2008...
I have started to follow a nice routine in a place I now refer to as ‘The Hab’. I have genuine intention to continue with this routine when I get home. One of the things I am doing much more now is eating.
The past few months I haven’t had an appetite at all. Some or other drug killed my appetite or the withdrawals were so bad that I was too nauseous to eat. The result was that I was slowly fading away turning into skin and bone. After a few days here I have my appetite back. In fact, I am eating more than I have in a very long time including breakfast which is something I last ate when I was in school.
I mentioned last time that we are on a medicine program and they are gradually reducing the medicine quantity over a 16 day period. Yesterday morning I stood in the ATM Queue: the ATM by the way is what we call the Medicine Dispensary since the queue is normally longer than at ABSA on month-end and you make medicine ‘withdrawals’. So, I’m standing in the queue and I get my daily dosage. Another nurse walks in, sees me standing there and gives me my dose of medicine again.
I’ve been complaining for days the dose is too little and I’m still having pain so I welcomed the ‘mistake’ but they soon realize they gave me the dose again and I was in trouble for not saying anything. The nurse said I’m not getting anything tomorrow which has me worried. As I left the ATM I thought to myself – once a druggie, always a druggie!
"Day 10 in Rehab"
"Dear Heroin"
Thursday, 15 May 2008
Rehab - "Dear Heroin"
Rehab, 9 April 2008...
I met my therapist for the first time yesterday. She is still young and really sweet and I felt I could really communicate to her. She gave me an assignment to do: I am supposed to write a letter to my addiction to say goodbye to it. After I get out of the clinic I can then do something with the letter as some kind of closure. I finished the letter today and will now share it with you…
*************************************************************
Dear Heroin
I am writing this letter to you but I want you to share it with your buddies rocks, ecstasy, acid, cocaine, cat, pinks, weed and all the others whose names I have already forgotten. I want them all to sit with you while you read this and I finally say goodbye to you.
You’ve become my best friend over the past few years and saying goodbye to you now is not easy. I don’t miss you today and I doubt I’ll miss you tomorrow but I know that I will miss you in the future. We’ve shared secrets that no one will ever know or accept and I thought you were my friend not seeing your deceptiveness.
I miss the comfort you used to give me and the overwhelming confidence to be somebody I thought I needed to be to be accepted. I miss it. I do, but I cannot pay the price. I don’t want to pay the price to get that comfort ever again.
I know you’ll be everywhere when I get out of this place of safety. You’ll be watching for my weak moments to come and you’ll try and deceive me again. I know I’ll be tempted but I want to let you know right now you will waste your time because you will not win this fight. I am taking control of my life!
I guess I should thank you for the life experiences you’ve taught me because you’ve given me the tools to fight harder and be more successful in other areas of my life but I cannot forgive you for the price my family and friends had to pay for those experiences. I cannot forgive you for letting me believe that trying to kill myself was the only option or even the easier one.
I will continue to watch you from a distance while I warn others about your harmful ways. I will continue to fight the battle my friends lost in death and even though I know this to be a life long process I will be victorious in my death – only it will be on my terms and my own time.
So, heroin and all the other friends that have come and gone I say goodbye in perhaps the best way I know how – these words. I can try and use every word in the dictionary and you’ll never know how much you’ve really hurt me and kept me from really being myself and true to those I love.
Goodbye and good luck with your future but know I will not be part of it and neither will be those that cross my path.
Sincerely yours,
Your ex-love
CHRISTIAAN
"Day 8 in Rehab"
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 8 in Rehab"
Rehab, 8 April 2008...
I open my eyes this morning and get handed yet another cup for a urine test. They say these urine tests are random. If only my lotto winnings were this random!
I think the sexual tension is really getting to the people in the clinic. Strange and funny things are happening all over and I’ll only elaborate on some of them... Darrell’s girlfriend came to visit him the weekend and he was very upset that there was no ‘facilities’ for couples to… uhm… reconnect! He suggested to the Matron they consider creating a ‘couples room’ and the Matron just laughed at the idea.
Lynette left this morning. I only got to spend 2 days with her but I’d like to think we became good friends in that time. In a place where you spend so much time together and share so much similar lives I guess it can happen very quickly. After she left Michael spend a huge portion of the day talking to me and was amazed at how down to earth he is.
Ryan* came out of Sedation yesterday and hung underneath the rather since then. It was only today that his personality came out a bit more and we could get to know him. I wouldn’t mind getting to know him better. He had such a contagious smile – like I just wanted to make him laugh to check it the whole day. Oh boy… I think the sexual tension got to me as well.
Unfortunately for Ashok the tension apparently got too much. As I understand it he lured Nila* up the stairs to a secluded corner and kissed her. How this news got to the nurses and management I have no idea but the end result was Ashok getting his final warning and being asked to leave the clinic.
And so ended the 8 day stay of the reluctant druggie called Ashok who started off with a rocky start and literally kissed his rehab stay goodbye.
"Day 7 in Rehab"
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 7 in Rehab"
Rehab, 7 April 2008...
Nurse Marlene* is probably the nicest nurse on staff. She works night shift most of the times and this morning she is the one bringing us our medication. She makes her way from bed to bed waking each of us up almost like your mother would do. This in contrast to the other nurses that seem to explode into the rooms and giving you a fright only your alarm clock could duplicate. Nurse Marlene hands me a cup for a urine sample… oi, did I smoke weed again last night?
I hand the nurses my urine sample and don’t hear anything from them again so I figure they got their negative. I don’t care how many times they test me. I am one week clean today and I don’t think anything can break my spirit.
Darrell (friend, codeine patient that booked in the same day as me), Matt (friend, heroin patient that booked in same day as me) and I are on a medicine program to come off our addictions. The program lasts 16 days and they gradually reduce our medicine until the 16 days are over. The thing is all three of us are getting the same dosage even though our drugs of choice, methods we used and amounts we used were very different. The result is Darrell and Matt fast asleep during the day and me still sitting with pain and cramps.
We are allowed a weekend out before we go home. Lynette* went home for the weekend and came back yesterday. She and Michael (‘the sexy guy’ in the group) have really gotten along and are quite close. She soon finds out how I feel about Michael and we both tease him about it a bit. In fact, even the Matron said something which I find may be directed at me joking with Michael. She said no patients were allowed to share beds and then everybody looked at me! Damn!
It has been a wonderful day, full of classes and chats with my new friends. I have this burning desire to start the day tomorrow and next week and the rest of my drug free life!
"R for Results!"
Friday, 9 May 2008
Current Recovery - "R for Results!"
I would like to thank you for sharing the first few days of my rehab experience with me. I get amazing comfort in sharing these stories because they all helped me in getting clean and even today they contribute to me staying clean. My name is Christiaan and today I am 39 days clean.
It sounds almost impossible but I haven’t felt like using drugs one single time. I don’t want to elaborate much until I tell you how I got here but I can promise you I haven’t felt like this in my whole life. I can’t imagine exchanging this feeling for any drug or drink.
I went to my first AA and NA meetings in Polokwane and it was really wonderful. I would recommend it to anybody and even now I see people suffering around me who don’t take this very important step in their life.
I have a much better relationship with God and even that is improving with each day that passes. I couldn’t ask for better results. It all feels like a dream at the moment – like I’ll wake up at any moment and find myself still suffering in Rehab. The most important thing is the comfort and relaxation I see in my parents’ eyes. I don’t think I’ve seen that in a decade.
You’ll understand that, especially now, I cannot blog every day as I would have liked to. There is still a lot of aftercare that I have to do and my life is far from being on track. Still I will continue the Rehab updates and the current recovery updates as often as I can. I am entering a new part of my life and can’t wait to share every detail with you. I hope you’ll all check back while we finally experience my heroin recovery…
"Day 6 in Rehab"
Thursday, 8 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 6 in Rehab"
Rehab, 6 April 2008...
It is somewhere around six. I don’t have a watch but I know it is still early. The nurse brings me my pain medication and hands me a cup for a urine test. I know random tests are normal and so is getting tested after 6 days so I don’t even give it another thought.
The nurse brings me new bedding and tell me I’m moving into ‘The Penthouse’. They call it the Penthouse because it is the biggest room and furthest away from the nurses office. This is normally the last room you move to after a few weeks but I seemed to skip a few steps. I started packing my stuff and one of my room mates whispered something in my ear…
Apparently, somebody told the nurses that Matt (heroin patient that booked in same day as me) and I smoked weed in the bathrooms. I started laughing, anybody that knew me would know I don’t waste my time with weed, but then again people here didn’t know me yet. Suddenly the urine tests this morning didn’t seem so random.
Both Matt and I were tested the morning and of course it came out negative. Matt was determined to find out who were spreading the rumours and Darrell (codeine patient that booked in the same day as me), KC* (funniest boertjie you could ever meet), Matt and I waited in his room while he showered. When he came walking into his room and saw all of us he nearly sh#t himself. He was only there for a few days and already he made more enemies than friends. He had this cocky attitude about him that seem to scream that he didn’t want to be there and people like that just made life difficult for the rest of us.
Of course, his story was that he heard it somewhere else and that someone disappeared over night. It didn’t really matter. We knew and proved the truth – still it gives you a bad aftertaste and it was clear this would only be the beginning of our trouble with him.
"Day 5 in Rehab"
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 5 in Rehab"
Rehab, 5 April 2008...
It is Saturday and no activities or lectures were planned for the day. Instead we get a chance to get to know the other alchies and druggies a bit better.
Yesterday, 9 people completed their treatment and left the centre. I only briefly met all of them and found that I actually went to school with one of them. Half of the group that left was girls and 3 of the guys were gay.
At first I thought I had terrible luck being the only gay guy left behind in the clinic but figured I could use it to my advantage. Every crowd needs the gay guy anyway, just as every crowd has the bitchy one and most definitely the sexy one. In my opinion Michael* was the sexy one. At first I thought he would be one of those people whose looks ruined their personalities but after sitting down and talking to him a bit I realized just how down to earth he is.
After the group left yesterday, Bernice* and Jodi* were the only two girls left. Jodi is also in the clinic for spiking heroin and I felt closeness to her from the start. Bernice has a beautiful 18 year old son and you would never guess her age just by looking at her. Then again, speaking to her you realize she has a lot of wisdom that came through years of hurt and pain.
I spent most of the day getting to know my new friends, especially Darrell (codeine) and Matt (heroin) whom I came in with. There is a level of understanding amongst us all. Our stories are different, the drugs we took and the ways we got them may vary slightly but in the end we can all relate to each other.
Later the day we have the weekly braai and everybody’s families come to visit. It has only been 5 days and already it feels like a lifetime that I’ve been away from my family. The guild of my actions hovers over me and I know that there are an infinite amount of problems and relationships to sort out when I go back. My parents can’t come and visit me now but I think I like it that way. This way they’ll only see me after 25 days and hopefully the change will then be crystal clear.
I think if they were in my head right now they’d probably already see the vast difference.
"Day 4 in Rehab"
Sunday, 4 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 4 in Rehab"
Rehab, 4 April 2008...
The clock just struck 06:00 and I’ve already walked into two different walls… or was that… four. Our three days of sedated shuttling has come to an end and we get to move upstairs. I take my things up with me but I’m still so disorientated from the medicine that I keep bumping into stuff.
Ashok (Indian Druggie) is also moving upstairs, but luckily not into the same room as me. He seems unaffected by the three days in detox. It is a pity, really. It is just obvious that some people are not here to get better; then again that was almost me! His religion has their church on Fridays and he tries to get out of the gates to go to church. Of course, with his dealer around the corner I hardly think he planned church as his only stop. Luckily his request is denied.
According to the rules of the clinic drug talk isn’t allowed just as we aren’t allowed to listen to certain radio stations or music channels – they make us crave. I was standing in the tuck-shop queue today with Matt* when I realized I wasn’t the only one affected by Ashok’s drug talk.
Matt* is also in the clinic for heroin. He came in on the same day as me and we shared a room with Ashok. I know we did talk over the past few days but the medicine has me so disorientated that I don’t recall much of it. While talking to him today I realize that my moving out of the room left him at the mercy of Ashok’s Insomniac Mouth.
Since Ashok didn’t stop when we politely asked him, we decided to report the matter. He got called into the office and given a warning. Astonishingly, it appeared as if his attitude changed after he got the warning. He stopped the drug talk and for the first time it actually looked as if he wanted to get help. I would have liked to do it differently, but I guess the ending justified the means!
"Day 3 in Rehab"
Saturday, 3 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 3 in Rehab"
Rehab, 3 April 2008...
The third day is always a bit better. However slight it might me, there is always a minor relief from the agonising pain of the day before. When I opened my eyes this morning I knew immidiately things were going to be better today. I was going to make sure of it.
Ashok (Indian Druggie) is out of his bed when I wake up but he soon returns and starts yet another drug conversation with me. I decide that if I have any chance of staying this positive I have to get away from him and his constant drug talk. I arrange to move to the room next door and immediately feel at home there. I am greeted by Darrell* with one of those welcoming smiles that would make any stranger feel totally at home. I met him the day before but I wasn’t really talkative then. I only had one thing on my mind. If I could break into the Medicine room and clear out the Schedule 5-7 cabinet – I would have done it.
That was yesterday. Today, Darrell and I are talking. As I get to know him I realize how similar our stories are, as if we both traveled the road to hell and could draw you a map to get there. I don’t believe in co-incidence. I believe everything happens for a reason, sometimes you see the reason, and other times you miss it completely. I wasn’t sure yet what the events of the past few days meant or why I was in this room today. All I knew was for the first time since I was here I had hope. Not even hope that I could beat it, I think there was way too much work still for that, but hope that I actually wanted to beat it!
"Day 2 in Rehab"
Friday, 2 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 2 in Rehab"
Rehab, 2 April 2008...
It is pitch dark outside. The nurses crash through the door and wake us up to take our morning smarties. I’m dead tired. I got a panic attack last night. I’m not sure what made it worse – the withdrawals or the thought of never taking anything again. I got some medicine that helped but the rest of the night passed with great difficulty. I take the pills from the nurse and swallow them without taking a look. I close my eyes and drift into sleep again.
It is much later in the day when I get woken up for lunch. My room mate Ashok* (meaning ‘without sorrow’) is a young Indian guy. Every time my eyes open he starts talking about his drug taking, where he took and how much he took. He has a dealer around the corner, he says, 5 minutes and we have it. My craving mind entertains the thought for a while and I turn over waiting for him to fall asleep.
Ashok turns out to be an insomniac so I spend hours listening to him go on and on. I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling and one plan after the other spins through my mind. I have no money on me but a druggie always makes a plan. The scary thing is in the streets of Johannesburg where will I draw the line at getting money!
I’ve drawn the line so far on the wrong side that I don’t know how to get my way back. Heroin has its clutches so deep through every cell in my body that it is clinging for dear life at the moment. Just another day I keep whispering to myself… just make it through another day!
"Day 1 in Rehab"
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 1 in Rehab"
Rehab, 1 April 2008...
I finally have a date. In over 8 months of continues drug use and 10 years of relapsing time and time again, I finally have a date to look back on as the day I stopped using drugs. It is the 1st of April, April Fools too many, but I know my life is no joke anymore, it hasn’t been a joke for a very long time - it is deadly serious. So, serious that I find myself standing at the doors of a Rehab Clinic as one of the only unexhausted options.
It is my first time here and I feel like Alice in Wonderland stumbling down the rabbit hole as if I am on a bad acid trip. I must be! Surely it can’t be that I’ve thrown a decade of my life away. It can’t be my thin dead reflection staring back at me when I look in the mirror. It can’t be that I’ve lied, betrayed and stolen just to keep poison flowing through my veins, could it?
My white body is only skin and bone drifting around aimlessly, like a ghost almost. My whole personality sucked out and replaced by… nothing… a void really. A void that took only a few hours to surface in my life again and most believe 4 months would not even cure, let alone 4 weeks.
This morning I didn’t care to ever take drugs again but now I want to kick myself for not smuggling something in. They search my bags, clothes, I even have to strip down to my underwear and take that off. Perhaps it is best I didn’t try to bring something in, where would I have hid it?
I start looking at the windows, the doors, anything that will help me get out of here. I have to do this but I don’t know if I can! I have to part with my drugs but I don’t know if I want to! I’m taken to detox and get a handful of pills and pop them in my mouth without taking a look at any of them. I don’t want to know what they are giving me. I don’t want to know how I’ll get through tomorrow or through the next 4 weeks. I just want to close my eyes and get through the night!
"Back to reality"
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
Current Recovery - "Back to reality"
I made it through another day. I made it through my first weekend back in the real world. I feared thoughts of taking again would consume me – but it didn’t. In fact, not once did I even entertain the idea of getting or taking any kind of alcohol or drugs. I don’t ever want to be the slave of drugs or alcohol again. In fact, no drug could replace this good mood I am currently in – not all the heroin in the world!
I completed my treatment on Friday and spent this long weekend with my family. There was calmness in the house that hasn’t been there in a very long time! They could all see what I am bursting to tell the world – that I came back a changed person! It is one of those 180 degree changes that you hear about or see in movies and if you are lucky get to experience in your lifetime.
Don’t get me wrong, the clinic wasn’t a holiday, not at all. I had my share of ups and downs but they all contributed to the person writing these words today. I’ll be sharing my rehab days with you in the next month because I believe them to be crucial in understanding how I got here. Equally important they might have some profound meaning to even just one person out there.
Of course I’ll keep you updated on how the current days are going as well. They are important because they lie a mystery to me at the moment. I don’t know their outcome as I know the outcome of the rehab days I’m about to share with you. One certainty is that they will contain the same ups and downs I have been trying to hide from with drugs. They will contain the same temptations and triggers that have haunted me for 10 years.
The difference will be in the way I approach them!
"Prologue (Part 2)"
Monday, 28 April 2008
Current Recovery - "Prologue (Part 2)"
Continues from Part 1...
I knew for a while I took a hectic detour on the road I wanted to travel in my life. I’ve been drifting aimlessly wasting my talents, my money and my life for 10 years. While busy with my 28 days I realized something vitally important that possibly helped change my life. I never took a detour! All my life has been lived to get me to this point, this day! It seems unsettling thinking that you spent 10 years figuring out the purpose of your life, but then again some die at 60 never have found theirs.
This blog started a while ago and the days kept counting. I was proud to be clean from my drug of choice but made possibly the biggest mistake in recovery and substituted heavily with drinking and other drugs. Today, for the first time I am clean and sober for 28 straight days! I have a better relationship with my family and friends now and I know it is only the beginning. I have a better relationship with God than I have had in 27 years and amazingly I know this is also only the beginning.
I could go on for hours and still you won’t realize just how much the past 28 days impacted on my life. I ask myself if one person could possibly change in just under a month, but reminded that it took a decade to get me here. Regardless, I am glad to be here! And yes, my religion and the positive and determined outlook I have today might be clouded by pain, cravings, negativity and tears tomorrow. However, today I can proudly tell you about ‘My Heroin Recovery’, today I am positive, strong and eternally happy. Today I am clean and sober!
"Prologue (Part 1)"
Monday, 28 April 2008
Current Recovery - "Prologue (Part 1)"
My name is Christiaan. I am a recovering addict.
My drug of choice is obvious through the title on this blog but it wasn’t always my first choice. In fact, thinking back now, it very possibly started with a few drinks almost 10 years ago. I climbed the ladder of addiction through every imaginable substance very quickly and soon my inability to stop became clear to me and those around me. I even lost my fair share and more of money when it came to gambling.
When we took the trip to rehab 28 days ago there was a part of me that wanted to recover. It was that part that delayed the suicide attempts, it was that part that kept most of my parent’s possessions in their house when I was desperate for money, it was that part that cried for my mistakes the brief moments I had any feelings. It was the only good part of me left!
No matter how I tried the other parts of me seemed to always win. Even my first two days in Rehab was spent checking which windows had bars and which doors would be easy to escape through. I was desperately clinging to the comfort that was now killing me and it wasn’t doing it subtle anymore. Every time I tried to stop, my addiction won in the end, every time I tried to find God I found another drug to worship. Every time I lost the fight, until now…
Part 2 continues later today...
28 days...
This is my last post for a while. I am off to rehab in a few hours. I was slightly scared and nervous the past few days leading up to it but there is a kind of calmness inside of me now. I am not sure how I will feel once I am there or when the realization kicks in that I can never take drugs again!
I will be keeping a diary every day while I am there and promise to share my experiences when I am back. I want to thank everybody that has supported me and keeps on supporting me!
See you all in a month!
Christiaan / TristanB
"Until I die (Part 3)"
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
Current Recovery - "Until I die (Part 3)"
Continues from Part 2…
Nothing changed… at least that is the way it seemed!
In reality a lot changed. The person that my friends and family knew, loved, trusted and enjoyed slowly disappeared as each day progressed. My heroin use escalated day by day at an astonishing rate. Another person was living my life – this drug addict. One of those stereo type addicts that you see on TV that steal and lie. One of those aggressive people that find themselves going to extraordinary lengths to get their precious drugs. I was that person now!
Three months passed since that night. I spend thousands and thousands of rands, or I should say maneuvered it on my credit cards. Credit Cards which I cannot pay now, credit cards I couldn’t pay even then. Every day turned into a fight with somebody, somewhere about the same old issues or occasionally about a whole set of new ones.
While I was working one Saturday my behavior led to yet another fight with a co-worker. I got a phone call from home and it was obvious that once I got home the same fate waited for me there. I stood next to the road thinking and all I could think about was how I didn’t want to go home!
So I started walking…
Part 4 continues…
Men vs Woman in Bathrooms
After a discussion I had this morning with a group of people I decided to pose these questions to blogworld:
Apparantly there was a discussion yesterday on Jacaranda 94.2 regarding what men and woman talk about in their different gym bathrooms. I find it quite interesting how the two genders react differently in these environments. What do you all do in there?
Another question I am just burning to ask is what people think when two men accompany each other to the bathroom in the same way that woman so naturally do?
And finally do women out there bath or shower together? And dare I ask… if so, do men do it aswell?
"Until I die (Part 2)"
Thursday, 13 March 2008
Current Recovery - "Until I die (Part 2)"
Continues from Part 1…
It was finally happening. After so many times of thinking it I was killing myself.
Something hit me, like Fred Flinstone clobbering me with a piece of wood, if I do this now… who was going to find me? My brother was in the next room, my parents were away, nobody else was there. If I continue this, my brother, whose life had been disrupted by this so much already, was going to find me. How could I even dare also doing this to him?
Fred hit some sense into me. I suddenly remembered why I haven’t slit my wrists yet, why I haven’t drank a bottle of pills, ran in front of a car or just pulled a gun and shot myself – I was too afraid to die. I didn’t want to die. Even when, quite ironically, I was slowly killing myself with heroin, I didn’t want to die. Not now! Not this way!
There is no sure way to get yourself out of that situation. I was on the verge of overdosing but I had a few tricks up my sleeve to at least get my heart rate up again. I am not one that usually remembers my dreams but I know I had a dream about getting heroin that night. I knew, even in that state of sleep, that my first action the next morning would be to score heroin again!
Nothing changed… at least that is the way it seemed!
Part 3 continues...
"Until I die (Part 1)"
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
Current Recovery - "Until I die (Part 1)"
I only have a few days left before I have to go to Rehab and I’ll give you more detail as we get closer. I struggled with this next post for a while. I wanted to post it because I felt it crucial in a story on my recovery, but I didn’t want to be accused of seeking sympathy or attention by revealing it. So after long thought I decided that nobody’s opinion of me will sensor what I write on this blog. My strength in my recovery came from the honesty I showed by telling my story and lying or keeping things now would not lead to a recovery!
Over the past few months’ people have on more than one occasion told me that I must just inject myself until I die. Some even went as far as to say that they hope it kills me and even though it might sound morbid some are waiting for the day that it does! Of course, most of this is said and done in anger, but angry is how I’ve left most of the people that know me. Whether they mean it or not the fact is some are thinking what a world would be like, where I just disappear with this problem of mine. It never really bothered me that much, it never really hit home until I actually tried to do it…
Inject myself until I die, they say. It is not difficult to do. As long as the money holds there was nothing stopping me. I started injecting myself one shot after the other. It only took a few seconds for each one of the shots to spread through my body. I reached the point where, if the money allowed it, I took 10-12 shots a day. So, it took a while for me to reach that nauxious feeling. It was a familiar feeling building up in my throat and stomach. I overdosed before and I knew I was close again, this time willingly!
Inject myself until I die. My body was telling me something was wrong. There were warnings throughout my body but I wasn’t going to react to them like I have done many times before. I was going to do it. I was going to give them what they wanted, give them what they asked for every time they spoke to me, give them what they needed to move on with their lives!
Shot after shot entered my arm and it started to look like a Swiss cheese from all the holes I was making. I didn’t need to hide them away, not this time! I didn’t need to worry how it would look tomorrow. There wasn’t going to be a tomorrow. My body started to go numb and my breathing and heart rate slowed down almost completely. It was finally happening!
Part 2 continues...
Just in case back...
This is for ‘This is me’ and to anybody else wondering where I am or for that matter not caring any more:
You don't ever need to explain because I understand better than you think! I won’t try and explain because lets face it what comes out of my mouth at the moment means little to nothing. This is a war and often I’m not fighting the battle as I should, I know. I try and rationalize this all that to myself but I find it difficult for a brain that should know better. One thing you can never be accused of was not trying, infact you should be honoured for how long you did try.
Anyway, I thought I’d reply to let you know I am still reading and for what it is worth I am still alive. I find myself hovering between caring if I live or die and actually doing something to live a normal life again and I regret most of all my family and friends suffering while I do so.
You deserve some sanity again and I hope that one day the real friend you remember can enjoy it with you!
Future plans...
Hey everybody
Just a quick note to say that I have a very important meeting this morning to discuss the future plans of my recovery. I should know today exactly how this will impact my job in the next few months and how, when and where I'll be in a clinic.
I am slightly nervous about it all but confident that it is steps in the right direction.
'till later
Christiaan
"Facing religion"
Monday, 11 February 2008
Current Recovery - "Facing religion"
I have decided that 2008 is the year that I finally decide who I am, what I am and where I’m heading with my life. Of course, the first item in my life that drastically needs to change is my addiction. There is no doubt that I have an addictive personality that has seen me develop unhealthy habits towards everything from sex to gambling to drugs. In the past I have managed to kick some of these habits only to start something else a few months or years afterwards. Normally these new habits are then much more dangerous and damaging than the original. So I am on a real mission this year to get behind whatever problems there might be in my life and sort them out.
One of the biggest problems in my life that seem to pop up everytime anybody talks to me about anything is religion. I have never discussed religion on my blog, for good reason. It is by far the biggest instigator of heated debates and my experiences have taught me that whatever the point of view, people are very reluctant to listen to another.
As I mentioned yesterday the directors at the office have decided to try and help me with my addiction. I cannot go into any detail as yet but one of the conditions has to do with my religion. So the question came up where and when my religious life took a bad turn. I thought I’d share it with you to maybe get the point of view of different people out there.
In my final year of Sunday school I sat talking to our pastor and I asked a question that had been bugging me for ages. I could already feel my reluctance to everything being taught around me and I needed to get some answers to calm my enquiring mind. “What makes you or me, as Christians, so sure that we are the right religion and that all the other religions are wrong? We are taught that this or that religion is wrong and the people belonging to that faith may not end up in heaven. What makes us so sure that we aren’t the wrong one? Surely the people in those religions have as much faith and believe just as much in their bible or their god as we do. And finally how can we base our religion and quote phrases from and judge or praise people based on a book written by people and edited and changed by people. Surely those other religions also have a book similar to the bible on which they may be basing their faith. What makes our bible correct and theirs not?”
It is a mouth full, I know. I am not trying to be negative or sound like an atheist or something. I am merely asking the question I asked that day. The answer I got was terrible and I’ll share it with you in another post. I have posted this entry because my faith and religion at this point is as much part of my heroin recovery as actually stopping heroin. Those that feel they can say something which can shed some light on the questions I asked are welcome to comment. I am an open minded person and will listen to the point of view. I will however not engage in any religious debates, as it is not the point of this post.
"The faces of heroin"
Monday, 21 January 2008
Current Recovery - "The faces of heroin"
I’ve been staring at the mirror for what feels like hours, maybe a few days. I don’t think I will know the difference anymore. Time has changed for me: It is either an extreme, agitated rush where every single person seems to taunt me with their lingering movement or I am the guilty that seem to unhurriedly hover around dead to the world, to my family and to myself.
I try and remember what my face looked like 3 years ago, which lines, wrinkles or spots were there a week ago or yesterday and which only appeared today. I try and find that look in my eyes, that optimistic look that used to shine through in everything I did. All I see now is dead pinned eyes.
I stopped at the dealer a while back and just as I was driving off another woman stopped her car to also get heroin. I got the impression she was a young woman but her face looked 10 times older. I had no idea how long she had been taking heroin but every single hit seemed to be engraved on her face. I was looking at my future – if I even lived that long!
There are a lot of signs around me at the moment showing me that I need to change my life. I see them and most of the time there is genuine intention to do whatever it will take to get my life back. I will tell you this: I am scared, scared of every action, scared of each re-action and consequence, scared of the withdrawal pain and the leg pain that will follow for months afterwards, scared of the depression and rollercoaster emotions, scared of the emptiness, the longing and the craving. Thinking about any of this just makes me crave heroin again… a vicious cycle indeed!
“Getting started!”
Monday, 14 January 2007
Current Recovery – “Getting started!”
I find it slightly difficult to start writing this post today. In fact I’ve spent the past few days writing single sentences that leads nowhere and ends up being deleted. I have a lot to say, seeing as a number of things happened since I last blogged, but my mind feels like a badly translated Japanese movie at the moment. Here we go… my first diary post of 2008…
I never thought I’d ever hit rock bottom. No matter how bad things were I had hope that I could beat it. I never knew where that hope came from, now I don’t have much of it left! To make things worse I lost a lot more than just hope: I lost the respect, trust and perhaps a bit of love from my parents. I lost my best friend who decided to break away because I can’t break away from this drug cycle. And as all the truths make their way to the surface it is inevitable that I will loose a lot more.
I’ve had a lot of time to think the past few weeks about where I am in my life at the moment and more importantly where I’m headed. I am turning 28 this year and the only thing I have accumulated in my lifespan is worry, regret and lots of debt. I thought that I would have enough motivation to get and stay clean with the support of my family, friends and job but instead of proving to myself and those around me that I could do it, I took drugs, lots and lots and LOTS of drugs.
It doesn’t take a genius to see that I have a big problem… one that will not go away! My intention is not to make one depressing post after the other this year, in fact I believe that positive thought goes a long way in beating this disease. However, just like last year and the year before I will be telling the story of my heroin recovery as honestly as I know how. Some things will come easy and others, like the posts to follow the next few days, will seem to take forever to finish.
Regardless of how long the posts take I hope that I will find them as therapeutic as I did in the past. I hope that you will learn and understand things about addiction you never knew before and that it will help you understand your friends and family with the same problem better. Above all I hope to look back at each post I make from now on with disbelieve at the progress I made with each passing day. If I could make one resolution for 2008, that would be it.
For now all that is left to say is “Sayonara”… (Japannese… get it?)
