Day 134 - "Reset and Forget"

Saturday, 7 April 2007
Day 134 / 58 (59) - "Reset and Forget"

Redo. Reset. Clean. Erase. Format. Any of these will work.
Its one of the things I like most about computers. Doesn’t matter what stupid thing you’ve installed on your computer or virus you get from the internet. You know that once you press that button everything will be okay. Sure, some things really get broken and a simple reset might not work, but you kinda know in the back of your mind that in the end you will figure it out.

I’ve pressed my reset button many times, trying to clear the mess I’ve made once again. And on the computer, much like my real life, I tend to install all kinds of weird things testing it out, seeing what will work. Sometimes ignoring the warnings that both windows or my anti-virus program gives me.

The bad thing about cleaning your computer, formatting your hard drive or anything that severe is that unless you have backups of the important stuff you are bound to lose some data. And in computers I sometimes welcome the loss of data. Less time to sort everything out, less space taken up by huge chunks of everything. Less chaos.

I’ve been very fortunate that my life has come with a restart button. I got to start over in a way. Unfortunately life unlike computers doesn’t lose the data. Doesn’t matter how many times you press that button it remembers.

Its raining. A bit more than sporadic droplets darkening the world around me. Darker ground. Darker skies. Darker mood. Alone with your thoughts and your memories, thinking, how you just want to press restart, maybe this time you’ll lose some data and forget!

Day 133 - "Crawling (by Linkin Park)"

Friday, 6 April 2007
Day 133 / 57 (59) - "Crawling (by Linkin Park)"

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling

I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...

To find myself again

Day 132 - "It’s the weekend, baby!"

Thursday, 5 April 2007
Day 132 / 56 (59) - "It’s the weekend, baby!"

I am really looking forward to this weekend. We are closing early today which rarely happens these days and My dad is turning 50 on Sunday and they are going to his brother for the weekend.

I decided to take time this weekend to catch up on some of my computer programming, writing and movies and all that other stuff I keep postponing. And since my parents aren’t here the weekend I’m making breakfast. This way I can make a mess as much as I want – as long as it is clean before Sunday night. I’m thinking bacon, eggs, sausages, toast, maybe some pancakes due to the wet weather we’ve been having.

My parents are a bit concerned going away for a weekend and leaving me almost unsupervised (for lack of a better word). I say a bit because I guess the doubt is always there. One never knows what the decisions are I could make on a day. We all just hope it can go as good as it has been going. But this is great practice for July. My parents are going on holiday for 2 weeks in July to visit family.

And if July goes without incident I am planning to go away for a week after that. I don’t know where yet, but it will depend on what the finances will allow. I just know that I deserve a few days away from this place. I deserve to go somewhere where I’ve always wanted to go or haven’t been in a long time.

Anyway, that’s the holiday schedule. I hope you have a fantastic weekend and that you get to spend it with family or friends.

Day 131 - "Dear Diary: How it's going?"

Wednesday, 4 April 2007
Day 131 / 55 (59) - "Dear Diary: How it's going?"

Dear Diary
Let me tell you how it’s going…

Physically
Mornings are still pretty bad. I wake up and lie in bed for almost an hour working up the courage to face the day. I think it must be the lying throughout the night that makes everything ache in the mornings. But as soon as I do get up and get moving it all disappears only returning just before I go to bed. I am trying to gain weight. I weighed 62kgs just a short while ago (and this for a guy that is almost 2 meters tall) but I have worked myself up to 69kgs. Now, I’m seriously trying to gain some weight and work on my fitness, which should help with those morning wake ups.

Emotionally
My emotions are still like a ride at an amusement park. Up and down, up and down, over and over again. One day I’m optimistic and happy and active and the next I’m something completely different. Slowly I can feel balance returning to the roller coaster and I can control most of what happens to me.

Relationship
I made a few posts on finding love and happiness and how it was important to me and
ow I felt I would never find it. I even contacted my ex and for a while it seemed as if things might actually work out in the end. Right now, it doesn’t look like it ever will – but I’m not bothered by it all. Still want it, still feel I might not get it – but I think I’m more optimistic now and at least trying.

Financially
We paid some of my accounts yesterday and after spending every sent I earned and most of the money my mother earned I still didn’t even pay everything. So, once again I’m expecting numerous ‘private number’ calls and warning SMSes throughout the month. The silver lining, however, is that one of my accounts was fully paid and closed yesterday. One down, Six thousand nine hundred and forty-two to go… hehehe

Family
I think we still have our ups and downs. But they know I’m trying my best to get my life back. They are still helping me in so many ways that I don’t know how I will ever be able to repay them. They are still cautious sometimes: If I’m acting weird or depressed or anything that looks out of the ordinary they are quick to check up on me. But I know it only helps me in the end to stay on the correct path.

General
Overall I think I’m doing brilliantly even if I say so myself. Who knew that the unhygienic, heroin addicted, stealing, cheating and manipulating guy that started this blog would eventually start getting his life back? You get days in this recovery when you can’t really say why you stopped. Bad days when you feel that the meaningless junky life you were leading was actually better than what you were trying to do now. And then you get days like today when it all makes sense again!

Day 130 - "A last resort"

Tuesday, 3 April 2007
Day 130 / 54 (59) - "A last resort"

Almost every heroin story I have ever read has either started or ended with Rehab. Every character with their struggle towards addiction faced the Rehab Center in some way or form. Some only once, some a lucky twice, others have spent more time in them than out.

I didn’t go! There were a lot of reasons. I kept saying I could do it without Rehab, this survival instinct inside of me that knew my limits and knew I hadn’t reached them yet. Work was another influence. We were extremely busy and under staffed at work. Having me gone even for a week was something the business couldn’t afford. But most people knew my situation and were supportive and helped to ‘keep watch’ and keep me in line. As I kept slipping up everybody was slowly realizing that the only way would eventually be to send me away. If I couldn’t stay clean this time – Rehab was the next stop.

It almost sounds like a threat, like Rehab was something to fear. In a way, I guess it was to me. Going to Rehab meant that I had to admit I wasn’t strong enough. What I’ve realized in my 130 days is that there is no shame in admitting that. Most people will never have the strength to get through this. Infact, I still find myself questioning somedays whether I have the strength!

Rehab to all of us was a last resort. I didn’t really want to go and my parents didn’t want to send me. In the end I gave it one last try. I had about 2 months to get clean – to prove I could stay clean. If I couldn’t do that, show them, show myself – I would willingly go.

Whether this was empty threats by my parents or the last resort of exhausted possibilities - I don’t know. Whether this reluctance towards Rehab was part of the motivation to get clean or part of the strength to stay clean – I don’t know. If it was, I guess Rehab did help me in a way. By not going, not wanting to go, not wanting to admit that maybe I needed to go – I didn’t have to go in the end!

P.S) If you like this blog and don't believe in FEEDREADER then contact me on tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za to have it mailed to you daily

Day 129 - "My few minutes (continued...)"

Monday, 2 April 2007
Day 129 / 53 (59) - "My few minutes (continued...)"

To quickly start where I ended off earlier today I have always found my blog to be a pretty topical blog without the flooding of entries that makes a feedreader hang while it updates. Everybody has their own way I guess.

As much as blogging helps me with my emotions every day you get those times when you just want to forget. You want to forget you’re a lot of things, things you haven’t even shared with a lot of people. You want to forget you’re a heroin addict. You want to forget you’re depressed. For one day, one week, you just want to be – that boy again. That blonde curly haired boy with absolutely no worries in the world.

I’ve thought a lot about the things I want to say this week and absolutely none of it makes sense to me. My mind is like an atom bomb that exploded. Destruction, particles, distress every where! It’s the chaos after the storm.

So, I guess my explanation is that I needed something different for a change. Hopefully when you read further the rest of the week this will make more sense to you. If it does – I hope you’ll explain it to me. I needed a break from the routine in my life. This is something that has been creeping on me for weeks and last week it just got too much.

Its weird, it was actually helpful in a way. I needed some time off from thinking about what is happening to me, time off from sharing it or talking about or even thinking about it! And as relaxing as the time was doing ‘other things’ - in the end it just got my mind more cloudy. So, I’m not sure if the posts of this week are going to make any sense. If they don’t then luckily you’ve only wasted a few minutes!

What I do know is that already after writing these two posts I feel much better. I guess that’s why it is so important to go to support meetings, although we don’t have them here.

It was a month ago that I said my life would drastically change and I would do the things I’ve been meaning to do for so long. Unfortunately not much has changed yet. After almost a 130 days in recovery I know one thing now better than ever – this is still going to take a while!

Day 129 - "My few minutes"

Monday, 2 April 2007
Day 129 / 53 (59) - "My few minutes"

I've always seen it as my few minutes. A few minutes to tell my story. I imagine we’re working in a big building. We don’t know exactly on which floor the others are working but we know it is somewhere in the building. Or maybe we know exactly which floor but we’d never find each other among the hundreds of busy cubicles. We have this - these few minutes in the lobby of our building to exchange pleasantries for the day. A few minutes to get to know each other, to get inside each other’s heads. A few words to portray our mood or purpose. My few minutes!

I’ve never been one to blog excessively on one day. Sure, you’ve mostly gotten at least one post from me on a day. I say what I have to say, what I want to say – sometimes what I need to say. I have a few minutes, a few words, phrases, ideas and then its over until we meet each other in the lobby the next morning. Some days our messages don’t come across that easily. Maybe we get days where what we want to say is so difficult to express that we have difficulty finding the words. Which is scary because words are what we describe best with.

Perhaps we only give each other a glance but the crowd sweeps us away to the elevator or perhaps in our hurry we blast past without even noticing the other there. After all we only have a few minutes.

I remember having a diary once. I was going through something difficult in my life, even back then, and my diary was the one that was always ready to listen. I never got any response back, but just to have somebody there to listen was enough. Blogging is like my diary used to be. It’s a lot more open and vulnerable to the opinions and the comments of other real people – which I guess makes it all the more effective!

I’ve been gone for a week. Slightly pulling a disappearing act. Which weirdly enough leaves you with a whole week of stuff to catch up on in the lobby. A whole week of accumulated emotions and stories – all to tell in the few minutes. I wish I could stand here the whole day and forget about everything else. Maybe then I’ll understand – maybe then somebody else will.

I haven’t really told you how it’s going yet. The counter is still counting so it can’t be going that bad – right. Right now, I’ll need more than a few minutes to find out exactly how it’s going. I have to hurry towards the elevator but I’ll be back a bit later with a second post! Maybe I’ll find the answers today!

P.S) I am so glad to be back and catch up on all your lives again. This post continues a bit later this morning.

Day 128 – “I can't sleep!”

Sunday, 1 April 2007
Day 128 / 52 (59) – “I can't sleep!”

I can’t sleep, again! That place of comfort that I went to every night before praying, got lost somewhere, somehow. The escape pod that waited next to my bed to transport me away from this world to that place of comfort, lay in pieces - not even my dreams spared. The guardian angel that looked over my head and guarded over my body while I slept, hung from the wall dripping blood on my face.

It’s my rope, its my fingerprints, its still my fault!

Something is moving up my leg. I need no degree in biology to determine the specie. Even the most deprived individual knows when a snake moves up its leg. Any person can feel the scaly skin of the slithering snake eating at your flesh, leaving an acid-trail of breadcrumbs to find its way back! I can feel the poison boiling in its body; I can see it, waiting to be released on my flesh, eating at it until there is nothing left. There is already nothing left!

My nails colour my white body with blood as it pierces deep into my flesh digging for some remaining self-respect that wasn’t dried out or taken. My bloody fingertips signals violently in the air begging for a donation from the gifted passers. Those individuals that was smart enough to fill their drinking bottles with water while it still lasted. Those I frowned upon because they wouldn’t jump off the bridge with me. Those clean hands, those clean mouths, those clean nails!!

Scales slither around my deep trailed neck as it has done so many times before. I am grabbing for air and it usually loosens its grip when it sees me suffer. Silly me thought I was mercied upon but soon realised it was only playing with me. I was its mouse. No! I was its rat, and it toyed with me. It would only be a matter of time before it pierced me with its poison draining the last bit of life from whatever part of my body was left.

I was a queen on a chessboard, moving everywhere I wanted to. Now, I'm the king. My drugged and disillusioned mind thinks it owns the board. Instead it sits in the corner unable to move watching how all the other pieces moves about. It thinks it has the knowledge to overcome, to survive. It thinks it has the last move – but it’ll never make it that far!

I can’t sleep… The events of my life that has shaped me as I am lie unforgettable, slow motioning in my head. They keep on repeating, over and over again.

I can’t close my eyes.
I can’t leave them open.
I can’t sleep!


P.S) Missed blogging terribly and glad to be back. Will see all of you tomorrow and we'll talk a bit about the past week!