Friday, 4 May 2007
Day 161 / 85 – "Week in Review 0405"
Well, good mood or bad mood – all is still going well. My ‘vacation day’ I was supposed to take last week didn’t happen because we were too busy at the office. It really came as no surprise, it always seems to happen. I don’t take the day and it keeps getting postponed until I eventually cancel it. We’ll try again next week!
My dad is in Zimbabwe this week, which leaved us with one less car than usual. So, making any plans that involves me going out must be carefully planned. He is coming back in a day or two, then hopefully things will return to normal.
Our office got ‘Office Busted’ by Jacaranda FM in Limpopo this week. It was a real surprise. Some of the ladies at the office entered my mom, who didn’t know a thing. Infact, she is so busy she rarely gets time to listen to the radio – and hardly knew what an ‘Office Bust’ was. She was totally caught off guard and was less than pleased that I didn’t at least warn her. Still an experience to tell… uhm… the grandkids one day!
I really had a lot of fun with my friends on Monday and Tuesday and even met a few new people. We had one hilarious breakfast on Tuesday morning. I was just glad to be out of the house. This weekend is either going to be dead quiet or totally hectic – we’ll have to see – but I promise to share the juicy details next week.
Enjoy the weekend and don’t do anything I’m not already recovering from!
Day 161 - "Week in Review 0405"
Day 160 - "Explaining my contemplation"
Thursday, 3 May 2007
Day 160 / 84 – "Explaining my contemplation"
I have never been a suicidal person. Depressed? Yes! But I only have myself and ecstasy to blame for that. In my life I have thought about suicide a lot. Ironically, most of those times were after I stopped taking heroin.
Heroin suppresses your nervous system, so you don’t give a damn. Your emotions, feelings, mind – nothing is what they should be. So, it’s a vicious circle really of wanting more and more. You don’t really care who you hurt or steal from – all you know is, you want more. You start not caring and soon you are hooked in a cycle with little conscious conscience to stop you from doing it.
In much the same way you don’t care what it is has done to your life, to your family, to your friends and to your body. When you stop taking heroin your mind clears up and the reality of things hits you. The emotions you were supposed to feel when your friend died. Those regrets you were supposed to feel when you stole. The shame you were supposed to feel over what you did with your life, to your parent’s life, to your brother’s life… it all comes crashing down on you at one time.
And, naturally in that time addicts return to heroin to avoid the mountain of guilt and regret coming towards them like a Formula One Car. After I stopped taking heroin, I got good days and bad ones. Strangely enough the bad ones are the safe ones. There is a certain fighting instinct that kicks in, that tells you, that you can do it. You have to do it and tomorrow everything will be better again. And you believe it.
But it is the good days and the better days that frighten me the most. It is in that time that your mind doesn’t react on instinct anymore. It reacts on fear, on desperation, on loss of hope. It sees the bad days you’ve had and it knows you’ll have them again. The vicious circle will rollercoaster you up and down on a route you’ll know by heart. Now, I’m not planning suicide. I’m just saying if it should ever happen to me, it probably won’t happen BECAUSE I did something stupid. It will happen BEFORE I do it AGAIN!
Day 159 - "Swallowing my contemplation"
Wednesday, 2 May 2007
Day 159 / 83 – "Swallowing my contemplation"
This was written a while back and not necessarily an indication of my mood today. More on this to follow tomorrow!
Today is the day! Countless nights I have found myself in this exact position. This pen, this paper, this table are all my companions when I am bored again with this life. They are the witnesses to these thoughts and actions that are only held back my misguided dream of a brighter tomorrow: A future that holds something better.
I am tired of these ideas of reality, popularity, normalness that seems to be so acceptable. Somehow I never seem to fall in any of them. I am a social outcast or perhaps not even that at all. Perhaps only trapped by my social acquaintances or my lack thereof. My life, my health, my paranoia, depression, sexuality and you ask a reason? In the end, really, it’s all a draw to what it could be.
Tonight is the night! The night I face the daemons that have been growing inside of me. I try to fight them but they smell my fear. They saw the end was coming and they are racing to welcome it. They are the ones sitting at the table playing chess with the Reaper. I fight them with the only weapon I have. I kill them the only method I know how – I kill me.
I grab these pills, these deadly pills, these… blurry pills which just a short while ago was so clear to me. As clear as my mission, my future, my destiny that now lies swallowed, blurred. I grab some more. They are all part of the mission now. They lost their individuality when I swallowed them, their friends, their mates, the ones that are just like them - all of them lost. I swallowed them and for this brief moment while they are crawling down my throat they are who I am, they are where I am. I win this battle because they are here, I swallowed them.
Don’t worry I won’t be around to bother you much longer. You won’t have to hate me, dislike me or just accept me. This star acting role to spare my feelings has reached its final scene. The credits are rolling, awards being lined up, the music ending, fat lady singing. No, she screams. She walks out of the movie and in a few minutes she won’t care to remember a thing.
Today is the day! Today is the day I look in the mirror and I see the person I was meant to be. I hold my head high and smile because I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. Today I don’t care about these petty problems, this social exile, and this sole less existence. I am unique. I am me. Today I can face these problems because today they are gone.
Ironically it is today that I realize what no today could ever resolve – tomorrow my problems will all be back again.
Day 157 - "A change is as good."
Monday, 30 April 2007
Day 157 / 81 – "A change is as good…"
Last week saw a change in the blog again. There have been changes every 50 days or so to the blog and this time I’ve gone big (I think). I hope you like it because it’s really growing on me. Hopefully the blog editors will have added widgets or personalized templates before the next 50 days has passed and we can all be more creative.
The theme and look of the blog is not all I’m hoping to change. Some of you, including me, still find the blog a bit too serious, depressing and heroin-based at times. I remind you that this is a blog about ‘My Heroin Recovery’ and those items are ‘part of the package’. Even so, I will be trying to lighten the mood a bit in the hope to also keep a positive attitude in my life.
Last week was a quiet week of blogging for me. As you know, I spend the week with ‘ThisIsMe’, while her ‘better other’ was out of town. As you might have read on her blog – they forgot to pay the internet – so nobody could really blog. That reminds me, I have to pay my internet account today!
Staying with ‘ThisIsMe’ was actually really fun. Besides roosters waking me in the wee hours of the morning, I really enjoyed the experience of sort of being on my own again. I felt like a grown-up again and not like a little baby who had to be watched and whose every move was questioned.
I also hope that the few days showed my parents that I am responsible and trustworthy again. If I wanted to, I could have gone bonkers over the few days I was gone and they wouldn’t have known a thing. Hopefully that will still count for something in the future.
Had work not taken the route it had on Tuesday, I think the week would have been superb. As you know I described Tuesday last week as ‘a disaster’, which was really putting it lightly. I’m left with more stress and complications than I would have liked at this time. The important thing is - I didn’t take heroin. With all the changes in my life – at least that is still saying the same!
