Saturday, 16 December 2006 - Day 23/5 - "My friend"
The name of the restaurant hasn’t changed but the look is completely different. I’m so excited standing in the new entrance that looks like a scene from a restaurant in Cape Town or Johannesburg. The waiter shows us to our table, it could seat at least 6 people but for now it is only us two: two friends who haven’t seen each other in ages, two friends here to enjoy an afternoon together like nothing bad ever happened.
My friends are one of the biggest things I’ve missed. I’ve always found it relatively easy to make new friends wherever I went and the friends I made were generally very important to me. But I met another friend along the way and he promised me a lot of things, as I got to know him better I neglected all my other friends. The only thing important to me, the only thing that was worthy of my attention – was my friend heroin.
Having said goodbye to that imposter, now, I realize how much hurt I caused my real friends. Countless of them disappeared because they didn’t want to be friends with a heroin addict. There were a few that waited for me to change my life around, supporting me - even though I didn’t always want their help. One of those friends phoned me today and asked if we could spend the day together. There were certain conditions to the outing, of course, but my parents gave their consent. I was over the moon, being able to go out for the first time in ages.
It was a long, eventful and wonderful today. I was finally seeing hints of a person that I used to be - a funky, bubbly, optimistic someone that loved to spend time with his friends and that loved to go out to different places. I got to meet some new friends, see my old ones and catch up on the old times.
I realized today, just how much I’ve missed. All these people were going on with their lives while I was busy destroying mine. I had so much to catch up on. I lost a whole lot of friends and whole lot of time in the process. A few of my friends I let go willingly because of their association with heroin, others left me because of my association with it. But I am grateful that a few stuck around for this… making new friends with them and having fun while doing it!
Day 23/5 - "My friend"
Day 22/4 - "Not your story, not your life"
Friday, 15 December 2006 - Day 22/4 - "Not your story, not your life"
I have watched many movies and read loads of books on heroin addiction. Even before I starting using heroin myself I read a few people’s stories of addiction and recovery. There was one story in particular that catched my attention: A story of a man who spent most of his life abusing alcohol and later drugs. His father was an alcoholic and that, along with the abuse in his family, drove them all apart. He spent his life in and out of jails, in and out of rehabs, in and out of consciousness trying to get away from the hurt.
Somebody compared my blog to a soap opera the other day: they can’t wait to hear the next installment of the ‘story’ everyday. So, I guess the relapse on Monday was a great soap opera twist - if that is what you are looking for. But my story is very different from the ones that make the books so interesting to read. In this story you will not find parental abuse or alcoholism. You will not find sexual favors for drugs or sexual abuse in jails.
I’m hoping you see that my story isn’t one of those. I come from a very loving family: a mom and a dad who love each other more and more every day. I have parents who love us and will do anything in their power to be able to give us good lives. I won’t exactly say that everything was handed to us on silver plates but we have lead easy lives – to that I’ll admit. I have never been abused or molested by anyone and I’ve spent 3 days in jail, at most, and nothing happened during that time to eternally scar me.
But one day there was an 18 year old boy that woke up and decided that he wanted to try drugs. It might have started with something as simple and harmless as ecstasy but it was the gateway to many other more dangerous things to follow. I was fortunate enough to be in an environment where I could get money, even if it was by stealing it from people close to me. I sold my own stuff and even sold drugs on occasion. But eventually money would run out and I’d have to start selling my soul to get my precious drugs.
The point I’m trying to make today is that when we read the stories in those books or on these blogs about the people that threw their lives way, it doesn’t seem like our stories. We won’t ever do drugs, we won’t ever do heroin – this won’t ever be our lives. But I said that too, I’m not your typical candidate for heroin addiction but it became my story – it became my life!
Day 21/3 - "Blind Mouse"
Thursday, 14 December 2006 - Day 21/3 - "Blind Mouse"
Today, 21 days ago I started My Heroin Recovery. I decided that I would not be living the life of a drug addict anymore: I would not be buying, taking or even think about drugs. I would endeavor anything possible to give my family the life back my dealings have taken from them and I would give myself the luxury of living the life of a normal 26 year old.
I still feel very confident about my recovery and that I can stick to that promise. But, as we know, something happened on Monday - I made a mistake. I am still the same person I was on Monday morning before that test - but I made a mistake. I’m not sure how conscious it was or how many signs I would have noticed before hand but I can’t change anything about that now. What matter is that I learn from this experience and insure it never happens again!
My family is still hurting and angry. I think not so much about the fact that it happened, but more because they don’t know what to do to prevent it in the future. They feel helpless and frankly, so do I. I am the only one that can put a stop to this cycle and at times I don’t even know how to proceed.
As I said in a previous blog, I’m technically allergic to any morphine, opioid or codeine products now. Even a little amount will not only make me sick but start the withdrawal symptoms again. So, guess what, I’m withdrawing – big surprise. Feels like I’ve been taking for weeks and suddenly stopped again. Just a reminder of how dangerous it is to take now.
Any recovery comes with its ups and downs, its positive days and negative days, its abstinence, lapses and its relapses. This is my road to recovery. If it was something that had to happen, then I’m glad it happened now and not 3 months from now. One thing is for sure I’ll be cautious of the signs in the future. If I learn nothing else from it – at least I learned that!
Day 20/2 - "Messing up impulsively"
Wednesday, 13 December 2006 - Day 20/2 - "Messing up impulsively"
I want to turn back the time so badly. If I just focused a bit more I would have seen some of the signs. I was so pre-occupied with the test on Monday that I didn’t see any of them. My stomach was turning the whole morning and I kept getting nauseous. I wasn’t feeling well at all – but tests normally made me feel that way – so I wasn’t really alarmed at the time.
I was so happy to be let out of the confinement. I was going to get this test and prove to everybody how serious I was about this recovery and good I was doing. The moment was short lived. I didn’t even get to share my test before I messed it all up again.
I’ve been going over the events of Monday over and over again. The only thing close to being different that day was a voltaren injection I got that morning. I am aware that heroin addicts get addicted to needles as well. Receiving an injection that morning, even it if was voltaren, could easily have triggered something in a mind which is keen to start up an old habit again!
I want my parents to understand. I want them to know I didn’t plan to go out and buy drugs. I want them to know if I had seen the signs I would stayed right were I was. I would have stayed away from any situations that could cause me to take again. I’m in such a better place right now, I want to get better. I don’t know what to say – except it wasn’t planned.
The plans of the weekend will obviously change. This weekend was supposed to be my first time out. I would never do anything to jeopardize that big moment. Now, I’m faced with my narrowing four walls again. I keep taking two steps back and slowly move one step forward as I continue messing up impulsively!
Day 19/1 - "I had a dream..."
Tuesday, 12 December 2006 - Day 19/1 - "I had a dream..."
I had a dream last night. A dream so vivid the particulars lies permanently imprinted in my mind. Every detail leaves me craving for more. I usually don’t remember my dreams – but the heroin dreams I never forget. Some dreams are so intensely real that they turn into wet-dreams. In my dream, I remember phoning the dealer, waiting for the pickup, preparing the heroin and injecting – it is all so real to me when I dream. At times my mind makes it so real that I have to pinch myself occasionally to make sure that I am still dreaming. I pinched myself last night… and found it wasn’t a dream anymore – this time it was real!
I don’t know what to say. I’m angry at myself, disappointed, looking for a reason: a good one, a bad one, anything that will help me understand – but there is nothing! I didn’t plan it, I didn’t want to take, I don’t want to take now – but it still happened.
My parents are furious. They almost kicked me out of the house last night, without a phone or a car. All my bank cards, credit cards, clothing cards were destroyed in anger. I know I messed up, what I don’t know is: Why!? I took less than a quarter of the quantity I normally took and I’m still sitting here in my towering drug high and never-ending sickness hoping I’ll figure out what triggered it – what can I do to avoid it next time? I am mere seconds away from being shipped to Rehab. If I as much as look in the wrong direction I’m off.
It is not easy writing today’s blog. Even though I made a promise when I started this blog to be truthful at all times - It breaks my heart to publicly admit I failed. I made it to Day 18 and in one minute of confident celebration at a clean drug test I lost it all again. I wasn’t sure if I should even continue with another post today. Doesn’t this just signal the inevitable end of My Heroin Recovery now?
I’m sorry, friends, that this had to be the topic for today. I have been trying to convince myself to keep on fighting. The person writing this blog entry today is a much stronger and wiser person than the one that wrote down the words ‘Day 1’. I made a mistake and regretted it 2 seconds after it happened. It was as if I was a 3rd person looking onto the events unable to say or do a thing, it was like I was just having a dream – a bad dream!
Day 18 - "Testing Day"
Monday, 11 December 2006 - Day 18 - "Testing Day (Part 1)"
One is too many, a thousand is never enough. I learned that the hard way. I think the most I took on one day was about 3 baggies of heroin (that is about 10 times on one day), but I may have lost count. Addicts can still function normally on heroin but after that much I probably didn’t look to good and nodded off during conversations.
I took a home drug test about 3 months ago. I was clean for 8 days and made a deal with myself: I’d buy heroin during the week and keep it until after the test. If I could stay clean for the 8 days I could take once - just once! So, the test came out positive and I was devastated. I knew for a fact I didn’t take anything during the week (even though I was hiding a needle full of heroin) and my parents didn’t believe me either. We found out later it was the medicine I was on at the time that made me test positive, but needless to say I still took after the test. And by now you know it didn’t stop there. Once just isn’t something an addict has in their vocabulary.
I was never fond of taking tests. Didn’t matter how well prepared I was – I was a nervous wreck. I don’t think I did too bad at school. I had higher hopes and if I learned a bit harder, maybe I would have reached them. But I left Matric with 3 A’s and 3 B’s. Won’t call myself a genius but didn’t exactly look like a prime candite for heroin addiction either.
But that is where the road took me. Through the other drugs, the heroin, the abuse and finally to this day: The testing day! I’ll have the results later – so look out for that entry. This time, I have been clean for weeks, I’m not on any medicine and I’m not hiding needles filled with heroin either. And that, my friends, is a excellent start!
"Testing Day (Part 2)"
I’m trying to look back over my shoulder. She is still sitting there, watching me: watching me standing in the corner, urinating into a cup. This is a first for me. I’m not one for public urinating and being watched by someone while I do it is just strange. But she has to make sure I’m not cheating on the test. There is a lot of ways to cheat a drug test. I looked up some of the methods before being tested a few times in the past.
Of course, I don’t need them today, but I’m still a nervous wreck. I’m strangely nauseous and shaking from what appears to be excitement. In a few seconds a little red line will determine my future. Kind of makes me think I’m waiting for a pregnancy test, or the time I was waiting for the results of my Aids test.
“So… you can tell your parents you’ve been good” she tells me as she checks the lines on the test. “Congratulations, you are negative – the test is clean!”
Day 17 - "To Med or Not to Med"
Sunday, 10 December 2006 - Day 17 - "To Med or Not to Med"
It has been a week since I’ve stopped my medication. I keep thinking, maybe I should have stayed on them longer. There is such a big part of me that wants to move on with my life – maybe I’m pushing it a bit. I keep telling myself – just keep busy. Force yourself to get off this bed. Walk around, clean the room, attend to those mounting favors you owe the rest of the world. But I can’t get up – I’m totally exhausted and lifeless. It feels like my body is being pulled down by a bunch of weights and I’m fighting to keep my head and body up.
It has been like this the whole week: both at home and at the office. I’ve been taking safe non-addictive medicine for temporary relief of some of the muscle pain but still feel so droopy. I find out today, some ex-addicts say the symptoms don’t go away till after 40 days. I know I can’t just expect things to magically be like it was in the beginning. I didn’t get to this point of my life in one day and it won’t take one day or even 17 to fix it. I know that, but that means I’m not even halfway yet – and that is just depressing.
And of course Sundays are the worst. Everything is so quiet and slow compared to the rat race of the rest of the week. It gives you too much time to think about your sins – and I have more than enough of those to think about. I’ve got the test tomorrow and I’m feeling really good about that. I would love for the rest of the week and my body, to go as good and pain-free as well.
