My Heroin Recovery (Saturday, 20 October 2007)
Day 330/1 – “Under ‘S’”
It is Day 1. Everybody is out in town getting together to watch the rugby and I am lying alone in bed. Even with the medicine, it feels like millions of creatures all over my body are pulling the meat from my bones. There is no way to lie or stand or sit or sleep to sooth the discomfort. My bed and body are both sweaty and the stench of heroin leaving my skin hangs in the room. The smell is as familiar to me as the feeling of heroin itself. I’ve spent as much time trying to get rid of it as I have spent high on it and even so I know given half a chance I would be at the dealer trying to score again!
The logic or the lack thereof makes me sick more than any of the withdrawals can try and do! How can something be so easy and so complicated at the same time? All I have to do is stay clean. All I have to do is not pick up the phone and phone the dealer. All I have to do is stop – and right now it is the most difficult thing in the world to do!
I find myself climbing out of the trenches again. One minute I am overwhelmed with emotion and I cry at all the damage I have yet again left around me. Damage caused in an instant when the damage from last year isn’t even fixed yet. The next minute I am full of strength. I try and remember where I got the strength from last time hoping that I will be able to get that strength again. Perhaps it is one of my strongest weapons this time… the knowledge that it is not impossible. I did this all before. Sure, I stumbled in the end… but I got up and I am trying again. Day by day… one day at a time I am trying again!
Day 330/1 – “Under ‘S’”
Day 329/0 – “All over again”
My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 19 October 2007)
Day 329/0 – “All over again”
The wind is squeezing through the slightly opened window in my humid room. I can’t close it because inside I am boiling up. I don’t want to leave it open because I’m shivering from the cold and covered in goose bumps. Every single bump hurts while the wind blows its cold air onto my skin. I get nauseous at the mere thought of food. Even though I am hungry I can’t eat right now, at least not food. I’m devouring chocolates like it is going out of fashion because it is all I can manage to keep down and it at least helps with the cravings.
I’m lying on the bed watching TV. I don’t care what I watch and even if I did I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Changing the channels takes an effort out of me that right now feels equivalent to climbing mountains. I just want to lie here and be forgotten or maybe it is just the opposite.
Emotions of happy and sad, strength and weakness, bravery, hopelessness and misery are all ping-ponging in my busy mind. It is a mind scared right now! It has chosen the easy path for too long and now it has to face reality again. It is a mind ashamed at the things it has though up and done and even the lengths it still would have gone to. It is a mind humiliated at the insults of what it has become and at the words it’s most important friends and family scratch on its clammy skin.
It must be a nightmare because I would never do this to myself again. I would never put my family or my friends through that torture again, would I? It must be a gimmick or a lie – some attention seeking plot for a lonely mind. Oh please, please… please… today I would be that lonely pathetic attention seeker rather than have this be true again!
Regrettably, it isn’t a dream that I will wake up from tomorrow morning. It isn’t a gimmick that I could stop when the suspicious start seeing through it. It is the cold hard truth of how I took heroin again and again and again. It is, how in true addictive style, I couldn’t stop until I lost almost everything again. This time there is no safety ‘pre-written’ net conveniently placed at the top of this page. This time I have to face the truth in the honesty I have always somehow managed to achieve on this blog.
I am an addict, addicted AGAIN to heroin for more weeks than I have fingers to count it on. I took my last hit earlier today and already my world and my body is crashing down. Tomorrow I begin what I vowed never to be at ever again - I begin Day 1 again. I begin My Heroin Recovery - all over again!
