Day 38/20 - "Go Big or Go Home (Part 2)"

Sunday, 31 December 2006 - Day 38/20 - "Go Big or Go Home (Part 2)"

Continues from Part 2...

Go big or go home. When it came to partying – that was our slogan…

The new years party came and it was one of the biggest, maddest parties ever. The last 2 raves I went to were daytime raves, so it was a big change doing it at night again. There were 5 dance floors each one playing a different genre of music. And of course, for somebody that comes from a town that rarely plays a decent song in any genre of music – I enjoyed it thoroughly.

I have to admit that heroin wasn’t the only drug I took that weekend. A party of that size rarely happened without me taking ecstasy aswell. Ecstasy has always been my favourite drug out of them all. I am a pill junky through and through… or at least I was! So, I missioned from one dance floor to the rest tripping, dancing and meeting new people.

It is New Year’s Eve – the last day of the year and this year especially I have something to celebrate. I am entering the New Year without heroin, together with all my friends. Considering where I was just a month ago I think it calls for a celebration. Tonight might not be spent the same as the previous years but it doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy it just as much!

To all my other friends out there who won’t be spending it with me – thank you for the support… and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Day 37/19 - "Go big or Go Home (Part 1)"

Saturday, 30 December 2006 - Day 37/19 - "Go big or Go Home (Part 1)"

Go big or go home. When it came to partying – that was our slogan. Too many nights started with exactly that phrase. And once it started it didn’t end until we passed out from exhaustion or alcohol. Either we were doing it properly or we weren’t doing it all. And of course, properly usually meant doing it with drugs.

Last New Year was no different. We decided the day before New Years Eve that we were going to take the almost 400km trip to go to a rave. I was out of my mind with excitement. It was years since I went to a party that big. I went to 4 raves of that size years before and each one was bigger and better than the last.

Since, my friend GM wasn’t going with me to the rave, we decided to have our own little New Year party the night before New Year’s Eve. We invited our friend heroin and he kept us busy until the wee hours of the morning. I spend most of the next day in the car drinking energy drinks preparing for the rave and recovering from the heroin of the night before…

By the way, for those that follow. I’ve been clean for 19 consecutive days today. A new record for me! Part 2 continues...

Day 36/18 - "Subsequently"

Friday, 29 December 2006 - Day 36/18 - "Subsequently"

One of the main messages I have been trying to get across through the blog is not only understanding towards the disease which is addiction but that it is everybody’s story. This is not a story of a person you don’t know or have never met. This is not a story of a character in a book you’ve never read. It is a story about your friend, perhaps your best friend, your brother, your father – you! It is a story about all of us, because we all know somebody this relates to.

I started writing the blog as a diary of some sort. A journal of the recovery I was planning to make. I started sharing it because I knew if there were people out there watching me I’d think twice before taking again. I continue sharing because I realize there are a lot of people out there that don’t understand. And to be totally frank with you, I, myself, don’t understand some of what I’ve done – so how could anybody else!

This blog is still my diary. I look back on the days many times and I want to cry when I read it. I can still feel the pain and hurt of myself and my family in every word that I wrote on that particular day. I can still feel the underlying doubt and negativity that I felt almost determined that I couldn’t do it and I wasn’t strong enough.

This blog is still my story. A story I gladly share with as much honesty as I can. I have been flooded with e-mails and messages of people that have come to understand, even if it is just a little, about their and other people’s addiction.

2007 is just around the corner. In this New Year I will continue to share my stories. I hope to keep it as true and honest as I have been and that you in the very least find a little bit of understanding in them. I do them most importantly for myself, for my family, my friends – and every somebody out there, this relates to!

Taking a break!

Merry Christmas to all the readers out there. I will be taking a break from normal posting from 24 December 2006 to 28 December 2006. Watch out for the next post on 29 December 2006 as I start celebrating the New Year!

Sunday, 24 December 2006 - Day 31/13
Monday, 25 December 2006 - Day 32/14
Tuesday, 26 December 2006 - Day 33/15
Wednesday, 27 December 2006 - Day 34/16
Thursday, 28 December 2006 - Day 35/17

Day 30/12 - "3, 7, 11"

Saturday, 23 December 2006 - Day 30/12 - "3, 7, 11"

I came across an interesting term yesterday: “3, 7, 11.” It is the first time that I’ve heard the term and thought I’d share. Apparently it is quite popular in the drug recovery world and I was amazed how fitting it was in my own life.

The term “3, 7, 11” refers to periods in your drug recovery - days, weeks, months, years. Most addicts either fail on days 3, 7 and 11 or find it most difficult on those days. Again on week 3, 7, 11, month 3, 7, 11 and year 3, 7, 11. This is, of course, a fight which will continue for the rest of my life. A disease that will fight to be part of my life again and all I can do is try and keep it under control. Even so, it is apparently the easiest after the 11 years.

I thought of my recovery since originally starting. Up to recently the longest I had been clean was 8 days. Try as I may during the months of my recovery I could never get past the 7/8 day barrier. On most other occasions I lasted only 2 or at most 3 days.

Even the recent lapse, although a few days off, was close. My friend, who I spoke about in an earlier blog, who died of heroin addiction was clean for 3 months before he relapsed and started taking again: “3, 7, 11”

It is just interesting to find this out. Whether it is just a co-incidence or if there are really some truth in it, I don’t know but at least I know to be extra careful around those days!

Day 29/11 - "If Olives made you High"

Friday, 22 December 2006 - Day 29/11 - "If Olives made you High"

Something snapped that night. Right there, right then – I wanted heroin. I took twice that morning and it was starting to wear off. I could feel the slight hints of withdrawal setting in and my brain was making plans to score again.

I was at a concert with my mom and dad. It was one of the only times in the past year that they could go out. It seemed like they could trust me and that I was clean – but of course I wasn’t. I had been using the whole week, stealing money and sneaking the heroin in as much as I could. Every day came with new hopes that tomorrow would be the day, the day that I quit, the day I stayed clean. But that day would always be tomorrow and right now – I wanted heroin.

I phoned my friend, GM. He was my saviour in times like these: times when my movements were being watched too closely or times when I didn't have access to my car. There were many times that he picked me up and we took a drive through town to go get heroin or crack or whatever else was available. This time he wasn't answering, he was probably doing what I was supposed to be doing - withdrawing from heroin.

So, I didn't have transport, my friend couldn't help me and the closest dealer was 2km away. With only a few minutes to spare before anybody would notice I was gone I made a run for it. I ran the +/- 2kms in just under 4 minutes. I don’t think I ever ran that fast before and it was by far the most exercise I got in a year. What went through my mind or how I thought I could pull it off is still a mystery to me!

My parents phoned. It had been 20 minutes since I disappeared from the concert and I was in trouble. I was 2kms away, sore from the running and high. Needless to say the night turned out a disaster. It was only the next day that I looked back at the events of the night and I realized just what I had done. If I stopped to think about any of what I was doing I would have realized how absurd it was and stopped. But of course, drug addicts aren’t famous for their clear rational thinking!

There were many nights that we travelled long distances for our drugs. Sometimes we drove to towns 60kms away, sometimes 4-5 times a night just to get drugs. When we wanted drugs the distance, the effort and the wait didn’t matter at all. It reminded me of one night a friend had a craving for olives. Nobody wanted to drive to the nearest shop to buy some. But if it had been ecstasy or cocaine we would have been in the car already speed dialing the dealer. Then again… if olives made you high perhaps we would have done the same!

Day 28/10 - "Four Weeks"

Thursday, 21 December 2006 - Day 28/10 - "Four Weeks"

It has been 4 whole weeks since I’ve started my Heroin Recovery. It is a bit anti-climactic to celebrate 28 days when the number 10 is right there next to it reminding me of my failure. Even so, I am more optimistic, positive and eager than ever to continue this fight and beat the 18 days I’ve been clean.

I know that I am not responsible for my recovery alone. The first and last decision might lie with me, but it is what happens in between that makes all the difference. It is the family spread out across the country, the friends in this and other cities, my parents and my brother who has brought me to this day. They have all been helping me, supporting me – some of them not being able to lead normal lives since I made these wrong decisions in my own life.

Yesterday, because of a busy day at work, I wasn’t able to post my blog entry during the day as usual. Funny thing happened, people started contacting me asking if I was okay. They weren’t used to the late posting and figured something was up. It was a real eye opener, a reminder, not so much of the fact that there are people out there keeping an eye on my progress, people who are also disappointed when I fail, but a reminder that they are also there supporting me, helping me and praying for me.

I will always keep the counters at the top of this page as a reminder of how long I’ve been in my recovery and how long I’ve been clean. I can only hope never to reset any of the counters again. But the counters are reminder of so much more. A reminder of the amount of time I’ve spent on these blogs meeting people – people that have become my strength, my sponsors and my friends!

Day 27/9 - "Stupified"

Wednesday, 20 December 2006 - Day 27/9 - "Stupified"

We look at each other. No, dead pin-pointed pupils lying without blinking. No gazing eyes showing no sign of remorse. His eyes are no longer rejecting, renouncing, hurting eyes, drained and disowning eyes on the verge of giving up the fight. No, for now it is only the eyes of a father and son looking at each other.

I was caught of guard when he asked me how I’m doing. The topic is rarely discussed these days. I think that it has featured as the main topic in the household for so long that most would rather just forget. We might not talk about it, but it remains in the thoughts of us all. It hovers in the decision making and it still frightens us in our worst nightmares. Heroin is long gone but the affects will not disappear so easily.

I’ve been concentrating so much on my recovery, my surroundings, my work that I haven’t stopped to think how I’m really doing. I mean… really doing?! Am I pounding these feelings into a closet in the back of my mind in an effort to cope or am I really making progress. So… how am I doing?

I haven’t felt better in years. I don’t think I felt this good before I started taking heroin. Every little thing holds a suggestion of excitement that makes me want to hop and up down like an energizer bunny. Every monotonous thing electrified by my very first experience of everything, everyone… all over again.

It could be some of the medicine I'm still on... or maybe it is just the right time of year. Christmas and New Year is such an exciting time of year. Festive, joyous, fun and of course, the start of new beginnings!

Day 26/8 - "Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 2)"

Tuesday, 19 December 2006 - Day 26/8 - "Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 2)"

Continues from Part 1

I lost my love. The love that came so close to me through the lies and pretenses I couldn’t see. Pushing me away from my family, my friends – until only one remained. My best friend – GM.

I never took heroin if GM wasn’t with me. We were like the three musketeers: GM, Heroin and Me. We would meet in the mornings before work and took our first hit. Some lunches if the cravings were too bad or the withdrawal setting in, we would sneak away for a hit. And in the evenings after work we would meet up again and take once more. Our lives became pretty predicable, taking drugs and passing the time in between.

Both of us tried to stop many times. We had to do it without medicine or doctors since we couldn’t afford either one. Even if we had money, it would all be spend on drugs before you could say ‘Pharmacy’. So, we had to withdraw cold-turkey (without any medicine), which is not only dangerous but painful as hell. Every cell in my body was screaming at me – looking for heroin. I couldn’t withdraw at my parent’s house because they would surely notice something so I used to stay over at his place.

Every time we tried it, it started the same. We would take one last time the night before and in a few hours the withdrawal would start to set in. We were hurting badly but still confident that this would be the time we beat it. It only took a few hours for the room to get dead quiet. Nobody said a word but your thoughts were ear-splittingly loud calling for heroin. Sometimes it took only minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes we even made it to a day – but sooner or later one of us caved. We’d sit in a circle anxiously calling the dealer, trying to score again.

After my parents found out about my addiction we weren’t allowed to spend that much time together. And as the survival instincts of the addict kicked in I started buying on my own, taking on my own and withdrawing on my own. We were both serious to get and stay clean but neither of us wanted to end the friendship.

It has been a month since I’ve seen or spoken to GM. I wonder if he thinks I abandoned him when he needed me most or does he think I deserted him like the rest? It hurts for things to be like this but I hope he understands. I may not always have realized it but I was fracturing our friendship with my shifting personality and drug craving. I was turning into Dr. Jeykell and taking my friend down with me.

In a perfect world he is fighting this same battle and making as good progress as I am. In a perfect world we can meet up someday and look back at these events as a distant learning experience. But that day is not now – and now the best way we can help each other is time apart!

Day 25/7 - "Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 1)"

Monday, 18 December 2006 - Day 25/7 - "Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 1)"

I lost my love. My love that gave me those mind boggling experiences that left me begging for more. The love that occupied me from daybreak to sunset and haunted me when I closed my eyes at night. My love that begged me to leave everything behind and disappear starting a life somewhere else - never looking back. Just me and my love – heroin – together forever!

I lost my love. The love that came so close to me through the lies and pretenses I couldn’t see. Pushing me away from my family, my friends – until only one remained. My best friend GM.

We knew each other long before heroin ever came into the equation. We spend almost every day together and had infinite mutual fun that could fill many books. I always felt protected knowing he had my back and I had his. Together we could overcome any obstacle – that is, until we became each other’s obstacle!

I’ll never forget the first day GM told me he injected heroin. We both smoked heroin before and he mentioned a few times how he would like to inject it. I never warmed up to the idea. All my life I was anti-heroin and although I had broken my own rule and smoked it I would never inject it. Never say never, right! I was so hurt and disappointed at the news. He knew how I felt about it and despite what it could do to our friendship he went ahead with it anyway. He left my mind harassed for weeks, wondering what I would do: Would I stick around with my best friend or would I keep with my original plan to never be friends with a heroin user. He was my best friend, so I stuck around!

The question that will hover in this blog, in my life, in my mind for many years to come is what when through my head the first time I took heroin with my friend. Was I the curious one, bored with the pills, papers, powders. Tired of the existence refered to as my consistent life or excited by the prospects of the forbidden, the exotic – the devil. I was oblivious to the warnings, not noticing the signs that lay like track marks apon the arms that was my life. My reasoning for that day I locked away in a box to which the key is now lost. I’ll never remember what exactly I was thinking. And seeing as I can’t change it now – I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it?!

Part 2 continues...

Day 24/6 - "Using and Abusing"

Sunday, 17 December 2006 - Day 24/6 - "Using and Abusing"

I know how it feels to be used. For many years I have let too many souls use my good nature for their own gain, under the excuse of friendship. I spend money, bought gifts and played taxi to countless individuals who pretended to be my friends. There are a lot of us out there, people that believe that there is good in everybody and try to appeal to their better nature – essentially we’re gullible people.

I didn’t always get to see who the real friends where and who were just using me. Even my relationships were filled with users. My ex, for instance, is a good example. I’ll never forget the day we met. I met a person I liked, my friends liked and that seemed to like me back. But before I could say “Honey, I’m home…” it was over…

Turns out I was being used again. It might have been for sex, and not a lot of people would complain there, but the fact remains only one of us was in it for the love and that would eventually spell hurt.

Some people are lucky enough to sniff out the abusers, others are not so lucky. But nothing sifts out the fake friends like a heroin addiction. There was a long time when people had to give support and advise to me, even though I rarely took, responded or replied to it. The real friends stuck around waiting for the introducing back into civilization.

Once you’ve taken heroin it scars you for life. It will forever make part of your life and your decision making. So, it is a bit unsettling to know that my friends might be wondering if they are safe or if their money or the stuff in their homes are safe. They might be wondering how to react to me next time, what they should say or what they should avoid. Will I ever be myself again, chat about the same old stuff or party like before. I can say I am better and people can relax around me – but to which point do they now believe I am using them!

Day 23/5 - "My friend"

Saturday, 16 December 2006 - Day 23/5 - "My friend"

The name of the restaurant hasn’t changed but the look is completely different. I’m so excited standing in the new entrance that looks like a scene from a restaurant in Cape Town or Johannesburg. The waiter shows us to our table, it could seat at least 6 people but for now it is only us two: two friends who haven’t seen each other in ages, two friends here to enjoy an afternoon together like nothing bad ever happened.

My friends are one of the biggest things I’ve missed. I’ve always found it relatively easy to make new friends wherever I went and the friends I made were generally very important to me. But I met another friend along the way and he promised me a lot of things, as I got to know him better I neglected all my other friends. The only thing important to me, the only thing that was worthy of my attention – was my friend heroin.

Having said goodbye to that imposter, now, I realize how much hurt I caused my real friends. Countless of them disappeared because they didn’t want to be friends with a heroin addict. There were a few that waited for me to change my life around, supporting me - even though I didn’t always want their help. One of those friends phoned me today and asked if we could spend the day together. There were certain conditions to the outing, of course, but my parents gave their consent. I was over the moon, being able to go out for the first time in ages.

It was a long, eventful and wonderful today. I was finally seeing hints of a person that I used to be - a funky, bubbly, optimistic someone that loved to spend time with his friends and that loved to go out to different places. I got to meet some new friends, see my old ones and catch up on the old times.

I realized today, just how much I’ve missed. All these people were going on with their lives while I was busy destroying mine. I had so much to catch up on. I lost a whole lot of friends and whole lot of time in the process. A few of my friends I let go willingly because of their association with heroin, others left me because of my association with it. But I am grateful that a few stuck around for this… making new friends with them and having fun while doing it!

Day 22/4 - "Not your story, not your life"

Friday, 15 December 2006 - Day 22/4 - "Not your story, not your life"

I have watched many movies and read loads of books on heroin addiction. Even before I starting using heroin myself I read a few people’s stories of addiction and recovery. There was one story in particular that catched my attention: A story of a man who spent most of his life abusing alcohol and later drugs. His father was an alcoholic and that, along with the abuse in his family, drove them all apart. He spent his life in and out of jails, in and out of rehabs, in and out of consciousness trying to get away from the hurt.

Somebody compared my blog to a soap opera the other day: they can’t wait to hear the next installment of the ‘story’ everyday. So, I guess the relapse on Monday was a great soap opera twist - if that is what you are looking for. But my story is very different from the ones that make the books so interesting to read. In this story you will not find parental abuse or alcoholism. You will not find sexual favors for drugs or sexual abuse in jails.

I’m hoping you see that my story isn’t one of those. I come from a very loving family: a mom and a dad who love each other more and more every day. I have parents who love us and will do anything in their power to be able to give us good lives. I won’t exactly say that everything was handed to us on silver plates but we have lead easy lives – to that I’ll admit. I have never been abused or molested by anyone and I’ve spent 3 days in jail, at most, and nothing happened during that time to eternally scar me.

But one day there was an 18 year old boy that woke up and decided that he wanted to try drugs. It might have started with something as simple and harmless as ecstasy but it was the gateway to many other more dangerous things to follow. I was fortunate enough to be in an environment where I could get money, even if it was by stealing it from people close to me. I sold my own stuff and even sold drugs on occasion. But eventually money would run out and I’d have to start selling my soul to get my precious drugs.

The point I’m trying to make today is that when we read the stories in those books or on these blogs about the people that threw their lives way, it doesn’t seem like our stories. We won’t ever do drugs, we won’t ever do heroin – this won’t ever be our lives. But I said that too, I’m not your typical candidate for heroin addiction but it became my story – it became my life!

Day 21/3 - "Blind Mouse"

Thursday, 14 December 2006 - Day 21/3 - "Blind Mouse"

Today, 21 days ago I started My Heroin Recovery. I decided that I would not be living the life of a drug addict anymore: I would not be buying, taking or even think about drugs. I would endeavor anything possible to give my family the life back my dealings have taken from them and I would give myself the luxury of living the life of a normal 26 year old.

I still feel very confident about my recovery and that I can stick to that promise. But, as we know, something happened on Monday - I made a mistake. I am still the same person I was on Monday morning before that test - but I made a mistake. I’m not sure how conscious it was or how many signs I would have noticed before hand but I can’t change anything about that now. What matter is that I learn from this experience and insure it never happens again!

My family is still hurting and angry. I think not so much about the fact that it happened, but more because they don’t know what to do to prevent it in the future. They feel helpless and frankly, so do I. I am the only one that can put a stop to this cycle and at times I don’t even know how to proceed.

As I said in a previous blog, I’m technically allergic to any morphine, opioid or codeine products now. Even a little amount will not only make me sick but start the withdrawal symptoms again. So, guess what, I’m withdrawing – big surprise. Feels like I’ve been taking for weeks and suddenly stopped again. Just a reminder of how dangerous it is to take now.

Any recovery comes with its ups and downs, its positive days and negative days, its abstinence, lapses and its relapses. This is my road to recovery. If it was something that had to happen, then I’m glad it happened now and not 3 months from now. One thing is for sure I’ll be cautious of the signs in the future. If I learn nothing else from it – at least I learned that!

Day 20/2 - "Messing up impulsively"

Wednesday, 13 December 2006 - Day 20/2 - "Messing up impulsively"

I want to turn back the time so badly. If I just focused a bit more I would have seen some of the signs. I was so pre-occupied with the test on Monday that I didn’t see any of them. My stomach was turning the whole morning and I kept getting nauseous. I wasn’t feeling well at all – but tests normally made me feel that way – so I wasn’t really alarmed at the time.

I was so happy to be let out of the confinement. I was going to get this test and prove to everybody how serious I was about this recovery and good I was doing. The moment was short lived. I didn’t even get to share my test before I messed it all up again.

I’ve been going over the events of Monday over and over again. The only thing close to being different that day was a voltaren injection I got that morning. I am aware that heroin addicts get addicted to needles as well. Receiving an injection that morning, even it if was voltaren, could easily have triggered something in a mind which is keen to start up an old habit again!

I want my parents to understand. I want them to know I didn’t plan to go out and buy drugs. I want them to know if I had seen the signs I would stayed right were I was. I would have stayed away from any situations that could cause me to take again. I’m in such a better place right now, I want to get better. I don’t know what to say – except it wasn’t planned.

The plans of the weekend will obviously change. This weekend was supposed to be my first time out. I would never do anything to jeopardize that big moment. Now, I’m faced with my narrowing four walls again. I keep taking two steps back and slowly move one step forward as I continue messing up impulsively!

Day 19/1 - "I had a dream..."

Tuesday, 12 December 2006 - Day 19/1 - "I had a dream..."

I had a dream last night. A dream so vivid the particulars lies permanently imprinted in my mind. Every detail leaves me craving for more. I usually don’t remember my dreams – but the heroin dreams I never forget. Some dreams are so intensely real that they turn into wet-dreams. In my dream, I remember phoning the dealer, waiting for the pickup, preparing the heroin and injecting – it is all so real to me when I dream. At times my mind makes it so real that I have to pinch myself occasionally to make sure that I am still dreaming. I pinched myself last night… and found it wasn’t a dream anymore – this time it was real!

I don’t know what to say. I’m angry at myself, disappointed, looking for a reason: a good one, a bad one, anything that will help me understand – but there is nothing! I didn’t plan it, I didn’t want to take, I don’t want to take now – but it still happened.

My parents are furious. They almost kicked me out of the house last night, without a phone or a car. All my bank cards, credit cards, clothing cards were destroyed in anger. I know I messed up, what I don’t know is: Why!? I took less than a quarter of the quantity I normally took and I’m still sitting here in my towering drug high and never-ending sickness hoping I’ll figure out what triggered it – what can I do to avoid it next time? I am mere seconds away from being shipped to Rehab. If I as much as look in the wrong direction I’m off.

It is not easy writing today’s blog. Even though I made a promise when I started this blog to be truthful at all times - It breaks my heart to publicly admit I failed. I made it to Day 18 and in one minute of confident celebration at a clean drug test I lost it all again. I wasn’t sure if I should even continue with another post today. Doesn’t this just signal the inevitable end of My Heroin Recovery now?

I’m sorry, friends, that this had to be the topic for today. I have been trying to convince myself to keep on fighting. The person writing this blog entry today is a much stronger and wiser person than the one that wrote down the words ‘Day 1’. I made a mistake and regretted it 2 seconds after it happened. It was as if I was a 3rd person looking onto the events unable to say or do a thing, it was like I was just having a dream – a bad dream!

Day 18 - "Testing Day"

Monday, 11 December 2006 - Day 18 - "Testing Day (Part 1)"

One is too many, a thousand is never enough. I learned that the hard way. I think the most I took on one day was about 3 baggies of heroin (that is about 10 times on one day), but I may have lost count. Addicts can still function normally on heroin but after that much I probably didn’t look to good and nodded off during conversations.

I took a home drug test about 3 months ago. I was clean for 8 days and made a deal with myself: I’d buy heroin during the week and keep it until after the test. If I could stay clean for the 8 days I could take once - just once! So, the test came out positive and I was devastated. I knew for a fact I didn’t take anything during the week (even though I was hiding a needle full of heroin) and my parents didn’t believe me either. We found out later it was the medicine I was on at the time that made me test positive, but needless to say I still took after the test. And by now you know it didn’t stop there. Once just isn’t something an addict has in their vocabulary.

I was never fond of taking tests. Didn’t matter how well prepared I was – I was a nervous wreck. I don’t think I did too bad at school. I had higher hopes and if I learned a bit harder, maybe I would have reached them. But I left Matric with 3 A’s and 3 B’s. Won’t call myself a genius but didn’t exactly look like a prime candite for heroin addiction either.

But that is where the road took me. Through the other drugs, the heroin, the abuse and finally to this day: The testing day! I’ll have the results later – so look out for that entry. This time, I have been clean for weeks, I’m not on any medicine and I’m not hiding needles filled with heroin either. And that, my friends, is a excellent start!

"Testing Day (Part 2)"
I’m trying to look back over my shoulder. She is still sitting there, watching me: watching me standing in the corner, urinating into a cup. This is a first for me. I’m not one for public urinating and being watched by someone while I do it is just strange. But she has to make sure I’m not cheating on the test. There is a lot of ways to cheat a drug test. I looked up some of the methods before being tested a few times in the past.

Of course, I don’t need them today, but I’m still a nervous wreck. I’m strangely nauseous and shaking from what appears to be excitement. In a few seconds a little red line will determine my future. Kind of makes me think I’m waiting for a pregnancy test, or the time I was waiting for the results of my Aids test.

“So… you can tell your parents you’ve been good” she tells me as she checks the lines on the test. “Congratulations, you are negative – the test is clean!”

Day 17 - "To Med or Not to Med"

Sunday, 10 December 2006 - Day 17 - "To Med or Not to Med"

It has been a week since I’ve stopped my medication. I keep thinking, maybe I should have stayed on them longer. There is such a big part of me that wants to move on with my life – maybe I’m pushing it a bit. I keep telling myself – just keep busy. Force yourself to get off this bed. Walk around, clean the room, attend to those mounting favors you owe the rest of the world. But I can’t get up – I’m totally exhausted and lifeless. It feels like my body is being pulled down by a bunch of weights and I’m fighting to keep my head and body up.

It has been like this the whole week: both at home and at the office. I’ve been taking safe non-addictive medicine for temporary relief of some of the muscle pain but still feel so droopy. I find out today, some ex-addicts say the symptoms don’t go away till after 40 days. I know I can’t just expect things to magically be like it was in the beginning. I didn’t get to this point of my life in one day and it won’t take one day or even 17 to fix it. I know that, but that means I’m not even halfway yet – and that is just depressing.

And of course Sundays are the worst. Everything is so quiet and slow compared to the rat race of the rest of the week. It gives you too much time to think about your sins – and I have more than enough of those to think about. I’ve got the test tomorrow and I’m feeling really good about that. I would love for the rest of the week and my body, to go as good and pain-free as well.

Day 16 - "I am Sixteen"

Saturday, 9 December 2006 - Day 16 - "I am Sixteen"

I am 16 years old. I am locked away in my room and I have limited amount of freedom because I still have so much of the world to learn. I have a slight allowance but my needs are simple, so I don’t require a lot. I have friends, I have school – life is good!

I am 26 years old. I am locked away in my room like a rebellious teenager, freedom taken away, phone taken away, car taken away. I have no money but enormous debt. I have a few friends left but I cannot see them yet. I am broken, I am down, I’m an addict.

One of the things I have kept from my parents from the beginning is exactly where the dealers live. I was always afraid of telling them fearing what they might do. Or perhaps I wanted to keep that backdoor open for future use. When I started the recovery this time I decided to tell them. I knew if I didn’t – I would have no hope of recovery.

The dealers stays across from me! Yes… As in, cross the street, you’re there. That is one of the reasons why it was always so easy for me to sneak heroin into the house. It only takes ten minutes, ten minutes alone and I could be flying as high as a kite. I can’t blame them then for watching me like a little baby: covering the swimming pool because I might fall in. But I guess it is what I am… a baby, learning to walk, talk, think and live again like a normal person and not like a junky anymore.

I think so much probably made sense to them when they found that out. They were of course shocked but probably understood as well. One of the most important things about your recovery is not to go to the same places you used to score at! How could I ever get better with temptation across the street?

But things are looking up. If all goes well with the test on Monday and the rest of the week I might be allowed out next weekend. Can you imagine being able to live again? It might be like a 16 year old for a while… but I’ll get to be 26 again!

Day 15 - "Can I cry?"

Friday, 8 December 2006 - Day 15 - "Can I cry?"

Can I cry? Can I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling while I massage my restless and aching muscles? Can I lie under the covers while my body covers in goose-bumps? Can I hide away from the noise that beats in my ears or the boredom that hovers in everything I do? Maybe it will help to cry. Maybe then I won’t remember. Maybe then this will all be over. Can I cry?

It has been 15 days and I am still withdrawing. Whether it is from the heroin or the buprenorphine or the methadone - I don’t know. My body must be asking: Where is the drugs? Where is the freaking drugs? I just want to cry!

No… I’m not craving. In fact, through all the emotions today heroin is the last thing I want! All I keep thinking is what have I done! I drive past the streets I used to buy at. I see the people I used to buy from. All I can ask myself is: “What have I done?” The affects of this addiction haunts me still today – it doesn’t want to go away!

It is Friday - the 3rd Friday. I remember Friday nights. My stomach used to turn from the excitement. The phone calls started coming through in the afternoons to make arrangements for the night. Friday night was “Boys Night”, Friday night was “Party Night”. We would always meet up at a friend’s house after work. The details of the night were a mystery to all at that point, but it always ended wild, spontaneous and fun. It wasn’t heroin!

But Heroin came along and soon the Friday nights started dying. One by one I didn’t answer my phone, didn’t get together as planned, lied to get away – all to meet up with my precious heroin. The once funky, bubbly, outgoing person that was me slowly faded to a drowsy, sneaky addict that wanted to be left alone.

I’ve been staring at the same walls for the past 8 months. It is straight to work and straight to home, straight to work and straight to home. My existence is a “straight to”, to the next four walled place that continues my confinement. I never minded. Every shot of heroin I took gave me a warm euphoric feeling that made me calm and relaxed. Time flew by. Being locked away in the house for days passed quite quickly while I sneaked the heroin in. When you stop taking heroin time slows down. A few hours can feel like days and days. This has been the longest 15 days of my life!

I’m really emotional today – Can you tell? It is probably because I know the weekend lies ahead and the most fun thing I’m going to do is “straight to” bed. I stopped my medication to be able to give my parents a test sooner. Now, it seems I’ll have to give my parents at least 3 clean test before they’ll grant me any freedom at all – that’s probably 3 weeks. I can’t even think that far ahead right now. Tell me… can I cry?

Day 14 - "Two Sides / Two Weeks"

Thursday, 7 December 2006 - Day 14 - "Two Sides / Two Weeks"

I came across an interesting term yesterday – a functional addict. A functional addict can use a limited amount of heroin on a regular basis and maintain the appearance of a “normal” person. They go to work or go out in public and normally hide their addiction from their co-workers, family members, friends or anybody else they should meet. They pay their bills every month to make sure they don’t get caught and have to stop taking heroin. The opposite end of this would be a chronic addict which would generally be described as a “junky”.

I’m not completely sure in which category I fall. For months I was using heroin. I accumulated much debt but still paid my bills every month. It was only when I tried to stop taking heroin and get my life back that my family finally found out. I was working everyday and also taking everyday and nobody ever suspected a thing. I kept the fact that I was using heroin a secret from most people. Even after they knew I had a problem they never knew I was taking again after I supposedly stopped.

But, inevitably, more and more bills were not getting paid. Much more money was spent on getting heroin and taking it more frequently. At the end I came close to selling or stealing anything from anybody to maintain the habit. I never missed a day of work, – not one single day. Even now, through this withdrawal from heroin and the medication, the recovery and the upcoming holidays – I won’t be missing one single day!

My body has forever been changed by heroin. I can’t use/get Morphine, Codeine or any other Opioids. It will not only make me crave heroin again, but I will withdraw badly. So, I got a ‘Medic Alert’ bracelet yesterday indicating that I can’t receive Morphine or Codeine should I buy medication or be in an accident. Taking even one of those would be just as bad as taking Heroin again.

Most people know that the recovery rate for heroin addicts is not very good. In fact, only 2-3% of people that get addicted to heroin make it. Many people expect you just to switch the ‘heroin button’ off and never think or use heroin again. But nothing is the same after heroin. Whether you sit at home, go out in public or just lie at home watching television – everything is different!

Of course, being different doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’ve wasted countless hours waiting for dealers to try and score. I was either on heroin or scheming how to get it again. I find myself pausing at times and it feels as if I am missing something. You know - like I should be thinking of ways to score again. But at the same time on ‘Day 14 (Two Weeks)’ into ‘My Heroin Recovery’ I am forever grateful that I don’t have to that anymore!

Day 13 - "Detoxing"

Wednesday, 6 December 2006 - Day 13 - "Detoxing"

People have a lot of different views about one of the medications I have been taking. It is really a miracle but expensive schedule 6 drug and it lessens the withdrawal symptoms you experience from opioid detox (heroin). I have been on and off from this medication since I originally started the detox adventure 8 months ago.

I don’t want to get too technical about it, but it contains something which tests positive on drug tests. So, as long as I am on this medicine I can’t go for a test. Even though its primary purpose is to treat opioid addiction – it can still cause dependence and withdrawal if you should suddenly stop. I made a decision this weekend and stopped taking it completely. The right way, I guess, would have been to reduce the dose otherwise you’ll withdraw from that as well.

I have been really irritable and having muscle pains and leg cramps since I stopped. The withdrawal is not nearly as bad as heroin withdrawal but it tends too last longer. It takes me forever to get to work in the mornings on the slow pace I can manage. But I realized that as long as I was on this medicine I was just postponing the inevitable withdrawal from yet another drug.

I am going for a test next week, probably Monday. It will be the first test I take that will (if all goes well) test negative. It will be the biggest Christmas gift I give to myself and my family in 2006. They are still not convinced that I am telling the truth or that I am completely clean – but I can’t blame them. They and I have had this conversation many times. Every time I convince them I am not taking anything and then they find out I’ve been going mad with the drug taking.

It will be the first of many tests to follow to insure I stay on the right path. But they are tests I will gladly take to prove to myself and my family that I am recovering!

Day 12 - "Overdose"

Tuesday, 5 December 2006 - Day 12 - "Overdose"

Looking back at my heroin use, I realize only now how many times I actually stared death in the face with my pinpointed pupils. The devil was sitting there laughing at me, tempting me with heroin. For some reason he was quite fond of me, I think. He tried a few times to get me and almost succeeded five or six times.

Overdosing on anything is not a pleasant experience. There are a few factors that can cause an overdose: Bad quality product from the dealer, mixing different drugs and taking too high of a dose - I experienced all of them. The worst was the night I stopped breathing. Heroin lowers your breathing considerably and if it goes too low for too long it is fatal. Luckily I had my friends looking after me that night. I can’t remember most of what happened and I’m not sure what they did to help me – but I’m glad they did it.

Besides overdosing those times I got a bad batch from the dealer once or twice. He even game me cocaine once and I injected that without knowing what it really was. Believe me… not a good thing to do!

Besides the fact that I was obviously taking heroin which is addictive and destructive I never really knew what they were mixing the stuff with. I heard a story once of a person that owed the dealer too much money and never paid. The dealer sold him cement one day. I’m not sure how that story ended – but the moral is that you just never know what you are getting or what they mixed it with.

Apart from the overdosing which is potentially fatal it is probably your veins, heart and liver that suffers the most during heroin use. Heroin makes the veins collapse. You start off by injecting in the arm and as you slowly do the permanent damage to your disappearing veins you have to start looking for other veins.

I might have stopped using heroin but irreparable damage has already been done to my body. I still have to go for blood tests to see if I ever got anything from needles. I have to check up on my heart and my liver and I have to drink medicine to prevent blood clots. It is obvious that getting clean is just the beginning of the fight…

Day 11 - "To the stupid things we've done"

Monday, 4 December 2006 - Day 11 - "To the stupid things we've done"

It truly does take only one time and you are hooked. It was the day before my 25th birthday when I first injected heroin. I had smoked it before, usually to come down from cocaine but never really saw it as my drug of choice. I remember that amazing feeling, like it happened to me 5 seconds ago. That full body orgasm that your body craves, every second, from thereon. I didn’t even know it then – but I was totally hooked!

I was hooked on the rush and eventually hooked on the needle. The rush has changed a lot since the beginning but most drugs do that after a while. Your body builds up a tolerance and it is never the same as it was in the beginning. Maybe that is why a lot of people keep on doing the drugs – in order to experience that first high again.

It was my birthday the next day. We had a party at the house and I couldn’t wait to take again. It was all I thought about. If I could go back in time I’d probably go show my bank statements and the track marks on my arms (which by the way is looking very good) to myself before I even thought about taking. Would I have listened – I don’t think so!

I really thought I had it under control back then. The drug would never have control over me – not this drug, not this time. My best friend had been a heroin addict for about 5 months. He stood in front of me one day and told me he tried injecting heroin. I was disappointed and angry. I was very anti-heroin back then and it almost ended our friendship. I watched him day after day slowly being killed by this poison and still I went ahead and took myself. Ask me what the stupidest thing was I’ve ever done - there it is!

Perhaps, if I had ended the friendship things would have been different, then again, maybe not. I made a conscious decision that day to ignore all the warnings and physical proof and go ahead with taking anyway. It wasn’t the brightest thing I’ve ever done, but I did it – nobody forced me. It doesn’t justify it, but this heroin addiction caused me to realize I have a big problem with addiction. If it wasn’t heroin that day, it would have been something else, the next day. I could have sat here a crystal-meth addict or even worse my blog being written by a mourning family member.

Day 10 - "Natural High"

Sunday, 3 December 2006 - Day 10 - "Natural High"

Every person in my family has really reacted to my addiction differently over the past few months. My mom, whom I have always been close with, is by far the most open about her feelings and I normally know exactly where I stand with her. My dad is the quiet type that rarely verbalizes his disappointment or hurt – at least towards us. So, when the day came when my mom had nothing more to say to me and all my dad could say was how upset and hurt he was, I realized the pain I had been causing was severe.

My brother has mostly been quiet about the whole experience. He doesn’t talk about it much, at least not to me and doesn’t really want to hear any details about it either. He has distanced himself from his addict brother. He is obviously hurting, being thrown in a house where there is always fighting and lying. I can’t blame him. My addiction caused a big rift between my mom and my dad, my brother and I. No matter how many days I am clean – those relationships will not heal soon!

Last night my brother invited me to a movie with him and his girlfriend. Nobody asked him or pleaded with him to take me. He did it out of his own. We went to a restaurant at the local mall. I haven’t been there in ages, since I haven’t been allowed out. So much has changed, I felt like a stranger in my own home town. I didn’t know anybody anymore. I didn’t recognize the place anymore. It just confirmed again how much I had lost while I was off on my destructive mission.

Last night put this whole exercise in perspective for me, again. I was at a public place with my only brother having a great time. Not once did I think about drugs, of getting them or taking them. I was out there living a life just like everybody else and it felt better than any high a drug can give me!

Day 9 - "Making History"

Saturday, 2 December 2006 - Day 9 - "Making History"

When you start taking heroin it is about the high or the rush, the sense of contentment, physical relaxation or whatever kick it is you get out of it. Unfortunately it is inevitable that your body gets a tolerance towards the drug and you end up using much more to get the same effect. Soon after I started taking heroin I found myself having to take 2-3 times a day. I was literally dependent on a little baggy from a Nigerian Dealer to be able to function.

In telling my story and looking back at those times – even if they are a little more than a week ago – I feel great satisfaction that I am managing to break away from that life. My story obviously didn’t start nine days ago. This fight has been going on for almost a year and a half. During that time I’ve seen countless Day 1’s, Days 3’s and even saw a few Day 7’s – but today on Day 9, I can celebrate something totally unique. I have since injecting heroin the first time – never been clean longer than 8 days! Today, I make history on my ‘Day 9’.

I celebrate today because I’ve pushed myself further than I’ve been able to do before. But I still continue this journey cautious remembering that forgetting the power heroin has on my life, has kept me from this day many times. Even my parents are still skeptical about my sincerity. I have after all been manipulating them for over a year. Every time when they think I am making progress I shock them with the awful truth again.

Heroin detox takes approximately 9-14 days for your body and mind to finally get clarity. So, I have literally not been myself in over a year. Being able to look myself in the mirror and not see the washout heroin addict, I’ve come to know, stare back at me – is the greatest celebration of it all!

Day 8 - "Fighting for a future"

Friday, 1 December 2006 - Day 8 - "Fighting for a future"

I won’t lie to you – I want to take Heroin, badly! I wake up in the mornings and it is the first thing I think about. Nights, when I lie in my bed waiting to fall asleep, it is the last thing I think about. Occasionally when I sleep I dream about taking heroin again. I don’t normally remember much of what I dream, but these heroin dreams are so vivid that they lie printed in my mind in the mornings when I wake up. Thinking about heroin is an obsession that only slightly faded over the eight days of my recovery.

I didn’t think it was possible, but yesterday the thought of taking heroin spinned in my mind even more than usual. As an addict I have been hiding from real emotions for more than a year. Suddenly I’m faced with all these mountains of emotions and the temptation to silence them with heroin is very big.

I heard some troubling news yesterday that made me question if I can be successful with this recovery. A person close to a friend of mine is also a recovering heroin addict that spend a year in a Rehab Clinic trying to get and stay clean. It now looks very probabable that this person relapsed after more than a year of staying clean. The thought of that scares me so much that I almost gave up the fight. At 8 days I won’t even dare count to 365. Imagine spending all that time fighting, only to finally loose the battle.

It reminded me of another young guy that managed to break the cycle of his heroin habit. He had been clean for four months when his girlfriend found him dead in their apartment. But he didn’t use again – a blood clot caused by his previous using is the source of his death months after he decided to live a better life.

The whole of yesterday afternoon I thought about it – was this the future I was fighting for? Luckily, even those cravings and thoughts eventually disappeared and my optimistic nature showed its face again. I made a promise to myself when I started this blog and logging my progress: I would be completely honest about my feelings and my drug taking. So, friends, if I should suddenly disappear from the blogging world and the day counter should unexpectedly stop – think of me, because I might be in trouble!

Day 7 - "A week clean"

Thursday, 30 November 2006 - Day 7 - "A week clean"

I have, over the past few days, read my previous blogs a few times. It is amazingly therapeutic to read about what I’ve gone through and survived. They say in recovery that you must take one day at a time. Worry about staying clean today and tomorrow is tomorrow’s problem. Having a couple of days clean behind me, it is obviously becoming a much easier battle. I read the comments on my blogs throughout the day and they, more than anything else, gives me the strength throughout the day to continue with my recovery. Today I would like to thank all the people that read this blog and express their support and continue to offer me help. Without you I would not be celebrating ‘Day 7 – A week clean’.

Yesterday was, by far, one of the most challenging days for me. If you read the blog entry yesterday you would know that I was keeping a secret that I finally revealed yesterday. And while I can unfortunately not reveal the secret that shook my world so much, the affects are very much real and the repercussions still being felt by myself and the people around me. I also realize that keeping it so long made it far worse and regret not coming out with it earlier.

I face the day today with people still troubled about my past actions and disappointed by my sneakiness, betrayal and dishonesty. I confront the world with people “fed up” with my behavior and deaf to my explanations, excuses and apologies. But I’m sitting here much happier and confident that I have been in many months. My actions over the past week and especially yesterday relieved me somewhat from the clutches of addiction.

I realize that my downfall has also come at this point of my recovery many times. With this celebration I tend to forget sometimes that this is a problem that will never go away. I have used alcohol, dagga, ecstasy, acid, cocaine, kat, crack, pinks and heroin (take a breath) and only realize now that I am an addict and will never have control over any of it. Although this realization comes presumably a bit late in my life, I believe it is never too late to make the change and stop this cycle!

Day 6 - "When secrets are revealed"

Wednesday, 29 November 2006 - Day 6 - "When secrets are revealed"

It is Day 6 of My Heroin Recovery. What was supposed to be another positive day has exploded into the worst day for me yet. I look across the room into the red cried eyes of my mom and dad. They have offered so much to me, their washout son intend on throwing his life away. My eyes are red to. I can hardly see the keyboard through the tears streaming down my face. All I can manage is a trembling “I’m sorry!”

Through out my addiction and recovery over this past year there has been two immense secrets I have kept. One of them was my heroin addiction that shocked my parents completely the Saturday afternoon when they finally found out. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. They didn’t know it at the time, but I had forever changed their lives with five words: “I am addicted to heroin!”

My second secret is a direct result of my heroin addiction. The addict in me have manipulated, lied and stolen to protect it. I think that trying to keep the secret and do damage control along the way has been one of the major reasons I keep relapsing. Why keep it then? This problem escalated so quickly that I soon found myself with something that would hurt and disappoint many people. I have given my work, family and friends so much heartbreak over the past few months that I didn’t want to drop another bombshell on them.

Today it finally exploded in my face. Part of it was due to circumstance but a major part of me realized that until I got this off my chest and out in the open I would never be free from this addiction. It was not an easy truth to reveal and even at this moment many lives are being trampled by its disclosure.

As an addict I am used to run away from my emotions by taking heroin. With this emotional trip going on around me, my mind and body is screaming for heroin. I’m fighting for my sanity. I know that it is drugs that got me into this position, and for now I try and remember that drugs won’t get me out of it!

Day 5 - "Positive Reflection"

Tuesday, 28 November 2006 - Day 5 - "Positive Reflection"

I started this day much the same as I start most days. Aching! Which is funny because I don’t remember Day 5 bringing so much physical pain. I’m thinking it is because I know I’ll probably never take again – I can’t just quickly slip out and go and score which is probably making it hurt even more (mind over matter I keep telling myself). Besides the hurting, I feel really uncomfortable in my own skin – which is slowly irritating me and distracting me from my work. I really need a day off!

Perhaps it is best to keep busy – or look busy at work. I think that so much time alone will just invite the devil – and he and I have never been a good combination. I realize today that my mind is still trying desperately to convince me I need heroin. I keep getting these thoughts: how the only thing that will make the bone and muscle pain, the depression, insomnia, diarrhea and vomiting stop – is more heroin. So, it is not surprising that I normally cave on this day every time. But not this time, bloggers!

Can you tell I’m much more positive than the preceding four days? Well, if you can’t – I am! For the first time in ages I feel hopeful that I can beat this disease. My best friend (who I will refer to as GM) came to visit me today. Unfortunately because he is also a recovering heroin addict we are not allowed to see each other at the moment. That part has also been especially difficult for me. We used to do everything together. You name it and we overdid it. Now… we have to keep our distance. We both realize, though, it is for the best and we simply aren’t good for each other at this point.

This struggle of mine has been going on for the past year. I only recently found these blogs and have found amazing comfort in sharing my thoughts and feelings while I try and recover. The support I have out there, mostly in people I have never met gives me strength to try my best every day. I will always stay an addict, but at least now I’m a Recovering Heroin Addict!

Day 4 - "Apologizing"

Monday, 27 November 2006 - Day 4 - "Apologizing"

I am sitting at work, cluelessly staring at the computer screen. I’m trying desperately to concentrate on work but I can’t focus. Not on work anyway, the only thing that is in my mind is Heroin. But rest assured it isn’t overwhelming thoughts of taking again. I’m thinking of my life: what I’ve done to get here, what I’m going to do from here on. This overpowering feeling of guilt hovers in my mind. I’ve done so many wrongs I can’t imagine where to start to fix it.

It is Day four. I feel much better than yesterday both physically and emotionally. Mentally my mind is working overtime. One might start to think it is all over because the pain you feel is not as bad as it was in the beginning. It is at this time that my mind convinces me that everything will be okay if I only take one more time. Just one problem: I’m an addict, and I cannot stop! I know if I take just once I’ll be back at square 1. And believe me – my footprints are becoming a permanent feature on that square.

I’m on so much medication right now I find myself a bit detached at times. Yesterday (the day after the incident) I was barely spoken to in the tension filled house. Everybody is still mad – probably because I haven’t apologized. And because of the medicine I probably don’t look sorry either. The thing is - I’ve done it before… I’ve stood in front of them after disappointing them again. I acknowledged that I messed up and I promised never to do it again. But it is only a day or two before those promises lie forgotten and I take again.

This whole experience is this chaotic rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, week after week. This time I don’t know what to say to them. I don’t know how to show them that I’m sorry and that I’m really trying. Words out of this addict’s mouth have little meaning at this point. I guess all I can do is hope they’ll bare with me – while I show them this time is different than the other times!

Day 3 - "Better of Dead"

Monday, 26 November 2006 - Day 3 - "Better of Dead"

It is Day Three. I’ve found that it is one of the most difficult days to be at. My body is slowly starting to feel better – with the help of medicine, of course. My mind is still fighting against it. As the heroin slowly loses the grip it has on my life my mind fights tooth and nail, convinced that the only thing it needs is just another hit, just one more. Every time it feels like it is harder to let go.

My parents and I had a long conversation last night. They told me everybody would be better off if I’m dead. I’ve been told that before but nobody has ever made such a compelling argument. I stood there without saying a thing, I couldn’t argue because I knew it was true – they didn’t have to help me!

One of my friends died a few weeks back. The details of his death is still unclear to us all but we know one thing – it was his addiction to heroin that ultimately killed him. I remember his parents the weeks leading up to his death. They were total wrecks, when they weren’t mad at what was happening to their family they were crying because they were fast losing hope. I remember those looks well – it is much the same as the looks my parents have now. But his family is happier now, happier than ever, even after a death in the family. They don’t have their son slowly ripping their lives apart. They could actually live again for the first time in ages.

So, I look at the lifestyle I’ve forced apon my family, the staggering debt, the constant betrayal, the persistent lying. It seems the reasons to have me gone far outrank the ones to have me stay. I can’t let this go on for another day!

Day 2 - "Deja Vu"

Sunday, 25 November 2006 - Day 2 - "Deja Vu"

I’m hurting… badly. There isn’t a part of me that isn’t hurting right now. Physically it feels like the flesh is being ripped from my bones. I’ve got goose bumps all over my skin, I feel every thing, every bump and every one of them hurts. Emotionally I’m just about to quit. The tears keep coming and the reasons for them are abundant. I just came from a 40-minute ‘what a disappointment you are!’ session with the folks. Once again I stood by while my character was ripped apart by people hurting so badly, hurt that I caused and keep on causing by my actions.

They say I’m weak – and truthfully I can’t really argue. I cracked, gave up – once again – and tried to score. My mom and dad have learned some of the tricks, most of them by now and stopped me in time. And although I look back at the events of the past hour gratefully it did not come without its expense. I displayed just once again the kind of person I’ve turned into and the lengths I would go to for my drugs.

I ask myself: ”Why?”. Why is it that once more a Saturday, a week, a life is ruined by my selfish actions. For that moment, that brief moment where I have my love in my arm, I think only of myself. I do the stupidest things to the most loving people and for what? Why? To slowly kill myself – that is why! To feel good for a few minutes and bad for days. Where is the logic in that?

I sit here with regret for the things that I have done. For the things that happened just now or this morning, yesterday or last week. I sit here with genuine intention to change, to try harder this time, to not give in to this poison, again. But I say that with a sort of deja-vu to it because I’ve been here before many times, I’ve said it before many times. Just for today I really mean it!

Day 1 - "I remember"

Friday, 24 November 2006 - Day 1 - "I remember"

I remember a time when I woke up early in the mornings, energized and eager to start the day. I couldn’t wait to go to work and share my day with the same old faces and interesting new ones I would meet along the way. That was a time when I could come and go as I pleased with no question as to my actions or regret by me when they are done.

I remember money in the bank. It wasn’t much but it was there. I worked hard for it, every cent of it and I never stole a thing. It was a time when I had friends – real friends. Those that wanted to spend every moment with me because I was good conversation. Those that answered their phones when they saw your number because they knew you weren’t just using them or stealing from them. Those that weren’t ashamed to be seen with you in public.

I remember my mother and father. Two happy people who loved, trusted and respected me. Who slept at night because they didn’t worry about what their son was up to. Who cried when they saw a heartbreaking movie and not because they were hurt or disappointed yet again. I remember a brother who spoke to me like we were best friends and didn’t ignore me like the plague.

I remember a day a long time ago when I would never have used heroin. The thought of heroin or a needle - it was unthinkable. I remember that day because I was not relying on anybody to feel normal or happy or in control. I didn’t spend hours waiting for dealers just to have a moment of gratification. Cravings were for chocolates and I could handle my emotions.
Yes, I remember a life. I don’t know if I can ever have it again. But this is me trying... this is Day One!

Index of Days to Remember

Day 1 - "I remember"
Day 7 - "A week clean"
Day 9 - "Making History"
Day 15 - "Can I cry?"
Day 16 - "I am Sixteen"
Day 18 - "Testing Day"
Day 19/1 - "I had a dream..."
Day 25/7 - Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 1)
Day 26/8 - Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 2)
Day 45/27 - "He Knew"
Day 46/28 - "The Wall at the Mall"
Day 50/32 - "Give me a... FIFTY!"
Day 54/36 - "Bargaining with the devil"

Index of All Days

Day 1 - "I remember"
Day 2 - "Deja Vu"
Day 3 - "Better of Dead"
Day 4 - "Apologizing"
Day 5 - "Positive Reflection"
Day 6 - "When secrets are revealed"
Day 7 - "A week clean"

Day 8 - "Fightning for a future"
Day 9 - "Making History"
Day 10 - "Natural High"
Day 11 - "To the stupid things we've done"
Day 12 - "Overdose"
Day 13 - "Detoxing"
Day 14 - "Two Sides / Two Weeks"

Day 15 - "Can I cry?"
Day 16 - "I am Sixteen!"
Day 17 - "To Med or Not to Med"
Day 18 - "Testing Day"
Day 19/1 - "I had a dream"
Day 20/2 - "Messing up Impulsively"
Day 21/3 - "Blind Mouse"

Day 22/4 - "Not your story, not your life!"
Day 23/5 - "My Friend"
Day 24/6 - "Using and Abusing"
Day 25/7 - "Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 1)"
Day 26/8 - "Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 2)"
Day 27/9 - "Stupifed!"
Day 28/10 - "Four Weeks!"

Day 29/11 - "If olives made you high..."
Day 30/12 - "3, 7, 11"
Day 31/13 - Day 35/17 - "Taking a break"

Day 36/18 - "Subsequently"
Day 37/19 - "Go Big or Go Home (Part 1)"
Day 38/20 - "Go Big or Go Home (Part 2)"
Day 39/21 - "First Day"
Day 40/22 - "Remembering Day 1"
Day 41/23 - "Echo"
Day 42/24 - "Rules of Engagement"

Day 43/25 - "All too easy"
Day 44/26 - "Poll 2"
Day 45/27 - "He Knew"
Day 46/28 - "The Wall at the Mall"
Day 47/29 - "Taking again"
Day 48/30 - "101 (Part 1)"
Day 49/31 - "101 (Part 2)"

Day 50/32 - "Give me a... FIFTY!"
Day 51/33 - "And then there were change..."
Day 52/34 - "My, myself and I"
Day 53/35 - "Gillmore Boys"
Day 54/36 - "Bargaining with the devil"
Day 55/37 - "Tom, Dick and Heroin"
Day 56/38 - "I had a dream... (remembering)"

Day 57/39 - "Brown Christmas"
Day 58/40 - "3 Feet Under (By TiN)"
Day 59/41 - "Poll/Discussion 3"
Day 60/42 - "A bit of traffic"
Day 61/43 - "On the couch: Alone"
Day 62/44 - "Isle C - Lives on special"
Day 63/45 - "Balancing the Scales"

Day 64/46 - "SAPD - Sadly A Protracted Department"
Day 65/47 - "Resurrection (by my friend Kay)"
Day 66/48 - "Poll/Discusion 3"
Day 67/49 - "I'm on the outside, I'm looking in!"
Day 68/50 - "A Beautiful Mind"
Day 69/51 - "Form Follows Function"
Day 70/52 - "Seventy!"

Day 71/53 - "Drive-Thru"
Day 72/54 - "Take me in your arms, Miss Heroin"
Day 73/55 - "Poll/Discussion 4"
Day 74/56 - "On the couch: Q&A (Part 1)"
Day 75/57 - "On the couch: Q&A (Part 2)"
Day 76/58 - "He knew (remembering)"
Day 77/59 - "A big fancy house"


Day 78/1 - "A way in!"
Day 79/2 - "And then there were two... (Part 1)"
Day 80/3 - "And then there were two... (Part 2)"
Day 81/4 - "One, Two, Three, Four..."
Day 82/5 - "Purpose"
Day 83/6 - "Happy Valentine!"
Day 84/7 - "Good times, Bad Times"

Day 85/8 - "The Usual Suspects"
Day 86/9 - "A Poem by Veronica"
Day 87/10 - "Poll/Discussion 5"
Day 88/11 - "Pandora's Box"
Day 89/12 - "The Postbox (Part 1)"
Day 90/13 - "The Postbox (Part 2)"
Day 91/14 - "The Postbox (Part 3)"

Day 92/15 - "Five letter word (Part 1)"
Day 93/15 - "Five letter word (Part 2)"
Day 94/16 - "The move is over"
Day 95/17 - "Where are you now?"
Day 96/18 - "A blog about Heroin"
Day 97/19 - "Leap"
Day 98/20 - "The Tiger (William Blake)"

Day 99/21 - "Poll/Discussion 5 Closed"
Day 100/22 - "Hundred!"
Day 101/23 - "101 ways"
Day 102/24 - "What they did wrong?"
Day 103/25 - "Unlikely love"
Day 104/26 - "Digging up the Money Tree"
Day 105/27 - "Travelling to Nowhere!"Day 106/28 - "Maybe we should just be friends"

Day 107/29 - "Heroin (A Poem by Mandy)"
Day 108/30 - "Poll/Discussion 6"
Day 109/31 - "Decidedly Brilliant"
Day 110/32 - "Kicking the Habit"
Day 111/33 - "Call him by brother!"


Day 112/34 - "Remembering a beautiful mind..."
Day 113/35 - "Remembering my Big Fancy House"
Day 114/36 - "Joy that banishes all reason (by Oliver Mandla)"
Day 115/37 - "Poll/Discussion 6 continued..."
Day 116/38 - "Subutex"Day 117/39 - "72 hours clean (Part 1 of 3)"
Day 118/40 - "Human Rights Day"

Day 119/41 - "72 hours clean (Part 2 of 3)"