Saturday, 10 February 2007 - Day 79/2 - "And then there were two... (Part 1)"
I made a mistake… probably the first though you get when you look at the title. Day 79/2… there must some mistake right… two… two… no… not a two… Just two days ago it was about to reach 60… it can’t be a two…
I made a mistake… but the mistake was taking heroin!
Our company is merging with another company. Essentially this means we all need to reapply and motivate our position or purpose in the company and hope we get rehired. There is a strong possibility that either my mother or I, who knows perhaps both, could sit without work. Even if one or both of us get rehired, it might be at reduced salary. And for a person that has debt at almost every financial institution in this country and recently crashed his car which is now being written off… this is not the best of news.
Our company is moving in a bit more than a week, by then all the outstanding work in every department needs to be up to date and basically the whole building needs to be packed up and moved to the new location. Consequently, work is a mess. The stress levels in the building is enough to give power to Cape Town, everybody is stressing, crying, shouting. Some days it feels like a war zone.
Besides that, this feeling of inferiority has plagued me recently. The realization that I am an addict and an addict I will always be haunts me. I know of this brilliant minded person, with such a genuine, honest soul that lies hidden away under layers of addict that I’ll spend years trying to peel away at.
I wanted it all to go away. This unsure butterfly feeling that hung over me like a storm cloud, I wanted it gone. I wanted piece and quiet in my heart, in my mind, in my life, at work… just… silence, emotionless, comforting silence… and the easy way out, the one thing that would take it all away, even if it was just for a few hours… was heroin!
Part 2 continues later today…
Day 79/2 - "And then there were two... (Part 1)"
Friday's Quote!
"I've never done heroin, but I totally understood what would drive people to that distraction - to need that so much."
Sarah McLachlan
P.S) For those that actually pay attention in class, my day counter has reset. I won't be blogging anything this weekend. I have a lot of things to sort out and explaining to do. I hope that I'll be back on Monday with renewed hope and stories to tell my friends.
Day 78/1 – “A way in!"
Friday, 9 February 2007 - Day 78/1 – “A way in!"
[Type Explanation Here]
I guess I should explain… but… I just don’t know how to yet!
T.B
Thursday's Quote!
I realized that I would do drugs alone. I didn't need anyone to do them with me. I was a drug addict.
- Tatum O'Neal
Day 77/59 – “A big fancy house!"
Thursday, 8 February 2007 - Day 77/59 – “My big fancy house!"
My mind is a house - A big fancy house, with a huge wall surrounding it and electric fencing keeping the burglars out. I feel safe in my house because no matter who tries and get in – my fence will protect me.
One day I look outside the window and I see my old friend heroin standing there. I remember the good times we used to have together even though we didn’t part on good terms. He was a user and abuser throughout our friendship and in the end he didn’t care about me one bit. Even so, we still had good times together.
Maybe he has changed, I tell myself. Maybe things could be like they used to be, before it all turned bad. Maybe I should give him another chance! Or maybe he hasn’t. Maybe he is still the same old devil he has always been. I close the window! My house is still safe, I am still safe!
Perhaps I don’t even see him standing across the road. I don’t want to know him, talk to him, see him anymore. That part of my life is over and I wouldn’t recognize him if he stood next to me. But he is there still there looking for ways to get in.
The storms that hang over my head, darken my house as the power goes off again. It has happened a lot lately. It is too dark in the house for me to see anything. I keep bumping into tables and boxes. I don’t see him climbing over the wall – I won’t see him until he is inside the house, standing next to me - greeting me, like he never left!
Two of the people I met through the blogs, have family members who are also heroin addicts and they recently relapsed. A relapse by a fellow recovering addict places everything in such a clear perspective for you. This hallmark moment of easy heroin recovery is crushed when reality reminds you – nothing about this is easy!
At times like these you want to ask them: “Why…? Why would you take again? Why after fighting for so long would you ever consider the thought?” And when you hear the news you want to be angry or hurt, you want to fight with them, blame them… But it isn’t their fault. They were watching the gate. They thought the fence was protecting them. But Heroin is the one that wants to get in… Heroin is the one that will find a way in!
Wednesday's Quote!
"When we meet, I'm interested and I'm curious about what he's doing because he's burning a number from a client. And I'm like, 'Who is this?' and my girlfriend's like, 'That's a drug dealer. Stay away from him.'"
- Rosario Dawson
Day 76/58 - "He knew (remembering)"
Wednesday, 7 February 2007 - Day 76/58 - "He knew (remembering)"
I posted this piece exactly a month ago. And perhaps the repost today might not yet testify of my frame of mind today, I think tomorrow's post might shed some light.
Here is to remembering my friend...
He knew he was going to die. He knew that heroin was what he was looking for his whole life and he would never be able to separate from it. He knew each time he pushed the needle into his collapsing veins that sooner or later his organs, his body, his life would all fail him. One by one they would leave him until the only thing that remained was the last bit of breath he blew from his body, that and the damage of heroin.
I can remember him like I saw him yesterday. It was a sight that most people should never get to see, especially not his parents. He was lying there, wild eyes, yellowish face, sunken eyes. I had never seen anybody like this before. He was delusional, most of the times he didn’t know where he was – but he kept saying “Sorry!” Sorry for the things he has done, sorry for letting it all go this far, sorry for dying.
He knew he was going to die. He wrote in his diary prior to his death that he knew he wasn’t going to live a long life. He told me on several occasions how he couldn’t stand the withdrawal and would rather keep on taking the drugs than face it. I think he knew his body wouldn’t be able to take much more.
I visited him in hospital that day. I looked at him lying there. We weren’t the best of friends but he was always good to me. He stood up for me, protected me – we spend a lot of time together. And there I was hours after taking heroin myself helplessly staring at him, unable to protect him.
In the midst of my emotionless staring I thought to myself I don’t want to end up like this. I don’t want to put my parents through this, this stress, this pain, this uncertainty. I don’t want to die, but I don’t know how to stop. I thought to myself if there was a switch I could flip to make it all go away I would have done it a long time ago. But even with him lying there, staring death in the face neither of us could switch it off. The first chance either of us got we would have gone to find heroin.
But he never made it that far. His funeral was a week after that day. I entered the church with not much recollection of how much heroin I took just moments before. My eyes were dim and my pupils were hardly visible. I sat down and nodded off occasionally as the heroin spread through my body, listening to the story of his life.
A story of a boy that lost his life at such a young age. Heroin only had him in its clutches for 10 months, 7 of those he was on heroin, but during that time he used 10 times as much as me. Thinking back at the times we took heroin together I realize that each time we took it was minutes closer to his death – to mine... He knew that heroin was what he was looking for his whole life and he knew most of all he would never be able to separate from it. He knew he was going to die!
Tuesday's Quote
“You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye.”
- Hunter S. Thompson
Day 75/57 – “On the couch: Q&A (Part 2)"
Tuesday, 6 February 2007 - Day 75/57 – “On the couch: Q&A (Part 2)"
Welcome to the blog couch. Here are the second part of the questions and answers. You are welcome to keep sending any questions you think I need to answer for you or for myself. There are still lots more and some of them I can only answer after doing a blog entry about the subject. So, buckle up for interesting week!
Why did you start taking heroin?
I think the question I need to answer is why I took drugs in the first place. Let’s say you smoke weed. You won’t ever imagine injecting heroin. I started by taking ecstasy and I set the boundaries for myself, saying I’ll never take acid or coke or never ever take heroin. And after a while on ecstasy you try the next thing and then the next and every time your boundaries shift a bit allowing just a bit more. You think that the next one isn’t that much worse than the one you are currently taking so it’s not bad. Going from taking cocaine to smoking heroin to injecting heroin is small steps and at the time it might not seem that bad. I was bored I was curious, I was experimental, and I was interested… I don’t know. Some times it was just ‘peer pressure’
Are you blaming your friends then?
No… nobody ever forced me to take drugs. I am a smart boy who makes my own conscious decisions. I call it peer pressure because the choice I was faced with was “don’t take drugs and go home and sleep” or “take drugs and party the night away.” If you know me – then that choice wasn’t too hard to make!
Why did you stop taking heroin?
I didn’t like the person it was turning me into. I started taking heroin maybe under the false impression that it wouldn’t happen to me. I knew how dangerous heroin was but I guess I honestly thought I could try it once and stop. When I woke up one day and realized I was addicted (just like every other person I read about) I knew I was heading in one direction unless I did something.
So, what did you do?
I saw a doctor, got medicine to help with the withdrawals and I really thought it was over. And then after being clean for a week or two you think it is over. It was that thought that made me fall back day after day for 8 months. After countless struggles, threads or close-calls I chose to be honest with myself for a change and stop taking heroin. I stopped leaving “back doors” open or hide needles all over the place or hiding information or methods of how I could score again. I was honest with myself and everybody else… that was also the beginning of this blog!
Have your parents read the blog?
My friends, family, co-workers even (and this I found out last night) my grandmother is reading my blog. My parents haven’t read it yet. I printed them a copy this past week – so I guess all will be revealed to them soon!
Tomorrow’s blog:
I’m having dreams again. I call them dreams even though my make me wake up in a cold sweat, guilty and depressed. I call them dreams because while I have them… I am in my dream world again. I am using heroin again!
Monday's Quote!
"Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with”
- George Carlin
Day 74/56 – “On the couch: Q&A (Part 1)"
Monday, 5 February 2007 - Day 74/56 – “On the couch: Q&A (Part 1)"
Welcome to the blog couch. My weekly therapy session with YOU! I asked everybody to send me questions so that you could all get to know me better and really for myself to get to know me better. And the response was enormous… thank you all. Here is the first bunch of them...
You’ve been feeling very depressed the last week. Are things better?
Things are improving. Some days I guess it seems like I’m just complaining on the blog. My life can still be an emotional rollercoaster at times. I am dealing with everyday issues just like everybody else, but at the same time I’m trying not to involve drugs while ‘dealing’ with them.
Do you believe you can overcome this?
In the beginning I don’t think I thought so. You hope for the best every day and I really surprised myself with the progress I made. I guess the answer is yes. I am determined that I can not only overcome my heroin addiction but also stop any future addiction or drug use.
Did you think you would relapse again or will relapse again?
In the beginning I knew it would happen sooner or later. As much as I wanted to get and stay clean there was a part of me that still wanted to try it sometime, somewhere in the future. When I did take again on Day 18 – that feeling of ‘I want to take again’ was gone. After that day I was sure that I would never take heroin again!
If heroin was offered to you… would you be able to say “No!”
I wish there was a nice answer to give here. But the reality is… I don’t think I would be able to say no. I don’t have an urge to go get heroin. I don’t crave it. I very rarely think about it these days. But if it was here lying next to me or being offered to me… I’m sad to say I think heroin would win that round!
If you had to do this over again, would you go to Rehab instead of doing it without it?
If I had to turn back time and do it over again from last year, then No, I still wouldn’t go to Rehab. I stopped taking heroin and went through recovery while still going to work every single day. Somehow I just knew it would be better for me that way. If I had to relapse and get addicted to heroin again – I will willingly go to rehab, because then I am not strong enough to overcome this addiction.
Difficult tasks and events in life are said to make us stronger, and in most cases I believe this to be true.... but I also believe that strength is choice. Do you choose strength above all else after your struggle?
It is cliché I know, but “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger!” And taking into account some of the things that happened in my life lately, I could have died many times, but I survived and came out a stronger person because of it. A stronger person that obviously still had something to do here on earth. Every time something happens in my life I choose to be strong or I choose to crumble to the easy way out – addiction. I think I am still making the choice to be strong every day!
** Part 2 continues tomorrow...
Day 73/55 – “Discussion/Poll 4"
Sunday, 4 February 2007 - Day 73/55 – “Discussion/Poll 4"
The question I asked two weeks back was ‘What do people do on weekdays, Fridays, Saturdays when no drugs or alcohol can be involved?’
Thank you to everybody that gave their opinion. I got some great ideas. Unfortunately stuff like ‘Ten Pin Bowling’ or ‘going to the beach’ is not possible here but the rest I will give a try!
One of the ideas mentioned below actually intrigued me so much that I am planning to start doing it soon… more about that during the week!
- Movie watching with friends (marathon evenings)
- Read
- Gardening
- PC or TV Games
- Cooking, Baking
- Paint
- Chat online
- Blog
- Get a pet (goldfish)
- Game nights (Trivial Pursuit/Pictionary/Risk/30 seconds/scrabble/poker)
- Walking on the beach
- Gym, weight lifting, Martial Arts
- Bowling
- Clubbing
- Braai
- Play Pool
- Adventure Golf
- Ten Pin Bowling
- Woodwork, metal work, sculpture
- Scrap booking
The question for the next two weeks is:
What is your favorite drug movie? Doesn’t have to be a movie about heroin, it could be a movie about any legal, illegal, real or fictitious drugs.
