Day 365 – “Starting with a cup of coffee”

My Heroin Recovery (Saturday, 24 November 2007)
Day 365 – “Starting with a cup of coffee”

I just made myself a cup of coffee. I can’t remember when last I had something which was as routine in my life as brushing teeth or going to work. These days none of it means the same to me. Nothing is the same. I know I am not. The people that know me the best keep telling me how much I have changed, how much I disappoint them and how quickly I am killing myself.

I find it strange and weird to be writing this entry tonight. It is 24 November 2007 and exactly a year go today I started my Heroin Recovery. For the past few months I’ve been trying to remember what drove me to that day, where I got the will to start and the strength to continue. It is 12 months later and I find myself exactly where I started. The relationships I was still trying to build up, the trust I never really got back in the same way, even the money that lied spent on a feeling I could never seem to have again – all of it destroyed again!

My blogging has been quiet, I know! I should apologize for the silence but to tell you the truth I’ve spent so much time apologizing lately that it doesn’t mean much. I’ve even started to believe my own lies. I started blogging again because I still have a lot to say. Right now, I don’t know how to say half of what I feel or even a fraction of what is going on in my life. And to be honest I don’t know how many people are left to even listen or read. My friends and family are at a point I have never seen them. Frightening to think you’ve driven people to ends they never thought they could ever go. I am that person.

I am a heroin addict. No matter what I tell you in the next few days or what I try and do about it in the weeks to follow – that fact will not change. Even so, I find amazing comfort in posting another blog entry tonight. You see… as long as I make entries on this blog I am more than just a heroin addict – I am a heroin addict in recovery!