Day 16 - "I am Sixteen"

Saturday, 9 December 2006 - Day 16 - "I am Sixteen"

I am 16 years old. I am locked away in my room and I have limited amount of freedom because I still have so much of the world to learn. I have a slight allowance but my needs are simple, so I don’t require a lot. I have friends, I have school – life is good!

I am 26 years old. I am locked away in my room like a rebellious teenager, freedom taken away, phone taken away, car taken away. I have no money but enormous debt. I have a few friends left but I cannot see them yet. I am broken, I am down, I’m an addict.

One of the things I have kept from my parents from the beginning is exactly where the dealers live. I was always afraid of telling them fearing what they might do. Or perhaps I wanted to keep that backdoor open for future use. When I started the recovery this time I decided to tell them. I knew if I didn’t – I would have no hope of recovery.

The dealers stays across from me! Yes… As in, cross the street, you’re there. That is one of the reasons why it was always so easy for me to sneak heroin into the house. It only takes ten minutes, ten minutes alone and I could be flying as high as a kite. I can’t blame them then for watching me like a little baby: covering the swimming pool because I might fall in. But I guess it is what I am… a baby, learning to walk, talk, think and live again like a normal person and not like a junky anymore.

I think so much probably made sense to them when they found that out. They were of course shocked but probably understood as well. One of the most important things about your recovery is not to go to the same places you used to score at! How could I ever get better with temptation across the street?

But things are looking up. If all goes well with the test on Monday and the rest of the week I might be allowed out next weekend. Can you imagine being able to live again? It might be like a 16 year old for a while… but I’ll get to be 26 again!

Day 15 - "Can I cry?"

Friday, 8 December 2006 - Day 15 - "Can I cry?"

Can I cry? Can I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling while I massage my restless and aching muscles? Can I lie under the covers while my body covers in goose-bumps? Can I hide away from the noise that beats in my ears or the boredom that hovers in everything I do? Maybe it will help to cry. Maybe then I won’t remember. Maybe then this will all be over. Can I cry?

It has been 15 days and I am still withdrawing. Whether it is from the heroin or the buprenorphine or the methadone - I don’t know. My body must be asking: Where is the drugs? Where is the freaking drugs? I just want to cry!

No… I’m not craving. In fact, through all the emotions today heroin is the last thing I want! All I keep thinking is what have I done! I drive past the streets I used to buy at. I see the people I used to buy from. All I can ask myself is: “What have I done?” The affects of this addiction haunts me still today – it doesn’t want to go away!

It is Friday - the 3rd Friday. I remember Friday nights. My stomach used to turn from the excitement. The phone calls started coming through in the afternoons to make arrangements for the night. Friday night was “Boys Night”, Friday night was “Party Night”. We would always meet up at a friend’s house after work. The details of the night were a mystery to all at that point, but it always ended wild, spontaneous and fun. It wasn’t heroin!

But Heroin came along and soon the Friday nights started dying. One by one I didn’t answer my phone, didn’t get together as planned, lied to get away – all to meet up with my precious heroin. The once funky, bubbly, outgoing person that was me slowly faded to a drowsy, sneaky addict that wanted to be left alone.

I’ve been staring at the same walls for the past 8 months. It is straight to work and straight to home, straight to work and straight to home. My existence is a “straight to”, to the next four walled place that continues my confinement. I never minded. Every shot of heroin I took gave me a warm euphoric feeling that made me calm and relaxed. Time flew by. Being locked away in the house for days passed quite quickly while I sneaked the heroin in. When you stop taking heroin time slows down. A few hours can feel like days and days. This has been the longest 15 days of my life!

I’m really emotional today – Can you tell? It is probably because I know the weekend lies ahead and the most fun thing I’m going to do is “straight to” bed. I stopped my medication to be able to give my parents a test sooner. Now, it seems I’ll have to give my parents at least 3 clean test before they’ll grant me any freedom at all – that’s probably 3 weeks. I can’t even think that far ahead right now. Tell me… can I cry?

Day 14 - "Two Sides / Two Weeks"

Thursday, 7 December 2006 - Day 14 - "Two Sides / Two Weeks"

I came across an interesting term yesterday – a functional addict. A functional addict can use a limited amount of heroin on a regular basis and maintain the appearance of a “normal” person. They go to work or go out in public and normally hide their addiction from their co-workers, family members, friends or anybody else they should meet. They pay their bills every month to make sure they don’t get caught and have to stop taking heroin. The opposite end of this would be a chronic addict which would generally be described as a “junky”.

I’m not completely sure in which category I fall. For months I was using heroin. I accumulated much debt but still paid my bills every month. It was only when I tried to stop taking heroin and get my life back that my family finally found out. I was working everyday and also taking everyday and nobody ever suspected a thing. I kept the fact that I was using heroin a secret from most people. Even after they knew I had a problem they never knew I was taking again after I supposedly stopped.

But, inevitably, more and more bills were not getting paid. Much more money was spent on getting heroin and taking it more frequently. At the end I came close to selling or stealing anything from anybody to maintain the habit. I never missed a day of work, – not one single day. Even now, through this withdrawal from heroin and the medication, the recovery and the upcoming holidays – I won’t be missing one single day!

My body has forever been changed by heroin. I can’t use/get Morphine, Codeine or any other Opioids. It will not only make me crave heroin again, but I will withdraw badly. So, I got a ‘Medic Alert’ bracelet yesterday indicating that I can’t receive Morphine or Codeine should I buy medication or be in an accident. Taking even one of those would be just as bad as taking Heroin again.

Most people know that the recovery rate for heroin addicts is not very good. In fact, only 2-3% of people that get addicted to heroin make it. Many people expect you just to switch the ‘heroin button’ off and never think or use heroin again. But nothing is the same after heroin. Whether you sit at home, go out in public or just lie at home watching television – everything is different!

Of course, being different doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’ve wasted countless hours waiting for dealers to try and score. I was either on heroin or scheming how to get it again. I find myself pausing at times and it feels as if I am missing something. You know - like I should be thinking of ways to score again. But at the same time on ‘Day 14 (Two Weeks)’ into ‘My Heroin Recovery’ I am forever grateful that I don’t have to that anymore!

Day 13 - "Detoxing"

Wednesday, 6 December 2006 - Day 13 - "Detoxing"

People have a lot of different views about one of the medications I have been taking. It is really a miracle but expensive schedule 6 drug and it lessens the withdrawal symptoms you experience from opioid detox (heroin). I have been on and off from this medication since I originally started the detox adventure 8 months ago.

I don’t want to get too technical about it, but it contains something which tests positive on drug tests. So, as long as I am on this medicine I can’t go for a test. Even though its primary purpose is to treat opioid addiction – it can still cause dependence and withdrawal if you should suddenly stop. I made a decision this weekend and stopped taking it completely. The right way, I guess, would have been to reduce the dose otherwise you’ll withdraw from that as well.

I have been really irritable and having muscle pains and leg cramps since I stopped. The withdrawal is not nearly as bad as heroin withdrawal but it tends too last longer. It takes me forever to get to work in the mornings on the slow pace I can manage. But I realized that as long as I was on this medicine I was just postponing the inevitable withdrawal from yet another drug.

I am going for a test next week, probably Monday. It will be the first test I take that will (if all goes well) test negative. It will be the biggest Christmas gift I give to myself and my family in 2006. They are still not convinced that I am telling the truth or that I am completely clean – but I can’t blame them. They and I have had this conversation many times. Every time I convince them I am not taking anything and then they find out I’ve been going mad with the drug taking.

It will be the first of many tests to follow to insure I stay on the right path. But they are tests I will gladly take to prove to myself and my family that I am recovering!

Day 12 - "Overdose"

Tuesday, 5 December 2006 - Day 12 - "Overdose"

Looking back at my heroin use, I realize only now how many times I actually stared death in the face with my pinpointed pupils. The devil was sitting there laughing at me, tempting me with heroin. For some reason he was quite fond of me, I think. He tried a few times to get me and almost succeeded five or six times.

Overdosing on anything is not a pleasant experience. There are a few factors that can cause an overdose: Bad quality product from the dealer, mixing different drugs and taking too high of a dose - I experienced all of them. The worst was the night I stopped breathing. Heroin lowers your breathing considerably and if it goes too low for too long it is fatal. Luckily I had my friends looking after me that night. I can’t remember most of what happened and I’m not sure what they did to help me – but I’m glad they did it.

Besides overdosing those times I got a bad batch from the dealer once or twice. He even game me cocaine once and I injected that without knowing what it really was. Believe me… not a good thing to do!

Besides the fact that I was obviously taking heroin which is addictive and destructive I never really knew what they were mixing the stuff with. I heard a story once of a person that owed the dealer too much money and never paid. The dealer sold him cement one day. I’m not sure how that story ended – but the moral is that you just never know what you are getting or what they mixed it with.

Apart from the overdosing which is potentially fatal it is probably your veins, heart and liver that suffers the most during heroin use. Heroin makes the veins collapse. You start off by injecting in the arm and as you slowly do the permanent damage to your disappearing veins you have to start looking for other veins.

I might have stopped using heroin but irreparable damage has already been done to my body. I still have to go for blood tests to see if I ever got anything from needles. I have to check up on my heart and my liver and I have to drink medicine to prevent blood clots. It is obvious that getting clean is just the beginning of the fight…

Day 11 - "To the stupid things we've done"

Monday, 4 December 2006 - Day 11 - "To the stupid things we've done"

It truly does take only one time and you are hooked. It was the day before my 25th birthday when I first injected heroin. I had smoked it before, usually to come down from cocaine but never really saw it as my drug of choice. I remember that amazing feeling, like it happened to me 5 seconds ago. That full body orgasm that your body craves, every second, from thereon. I didn’t even know it then – but I was totally hooked!

I was hooked on the rush and eventually hooked on the needle. The rush has changed a lot since the beginning but most drugs do that after a while. Your body builds up a tolerance and it is never the same as it was in the beginning. Maybe that is why a lot of people keep on doing the drugs – in order to experience that first high again.

It was my birthday the next day. We had a party at the house and I couldn’t wait to take again. It was all I thought about. If I could go back in time I’d probably go show my bank statements and the track marks on my arms (which by the way is looking very good) to myself before I even thought about taking. Would I have listened – I don’t think so!

I really thought I had it under control back then. The drug would never have control over me – not this drug, not this time. My best friend had been a heroin addict for about 5 months. He stood in front of me one day and told me he tried injecting heroin. I was disappointed and angry. I was very anti-heroin back then and it almost ended our friendship. I watched him day after day slowly being killed by this poison and still I went ahead and took myself. Ask me what the stupidest thing was I’ve ever done - there it is!

Perhaps, if I had ended the friendship things would have been different, then again, maybe not. I made a conscious decision that day to ignore all the warnings and physical proof and go ahead with taking anyway. It wasn’t the brightest thing I’ve ever done, but I did it – nobody forced me. It doesn’t justify it, but this heroin addiction caused me to realize I have a big problem with addiction. If it wasn’t heroin that day, it would have been something else, the next day. I could have sat here a crystal-meth addict or even worse my blog being written by a mourning family member.

Day 10 - "Natural High"

Sunday, 3 December 2006 - Day 10 - "Natural High"

Every person in my family has really reacted to my addiction differently over the past few months. My mom, whom I have always been close with, is by far the most open about her feelings and I normally know exactly where I stand with her. My dad is the quiet type that rarely verbalizes his disappointment or hurt – at least towards us. So, when the day came when my mom had nothing more to say to me and all my dad could say was how upset and hurt he was, I realized the pain I had been causing was severe.

My brother has mostly been quiet about the whole experience. He doesn’t talk about it much, at least not to me and doesn’t really want to hear any details about it either. He has distanced himself from his addict brother. He is obviously hurting, being thrown in a house where there is always fighting and lying. I can’t blame him. My addiction caused a big rift between my mom and my dad, my brother and I. No matter how many days I am clean – those relationships will not heal soon!

Last night my brother invited me to a movie with him and his girlfriend. Nobody asked him or pleaded with him to take me. He did it out of his own. We went to a restaurant at the local mall. I haven’t been there in ages, since I haven’t been allowed out. So much has changed, I felt like a stranger in my own home town. I didn’t know anybody anymore. I didn’t recognize the place anymore. It just confirmed again how much I had lost while I was off on my destructive mission.

Last night put this whole exercise in perspective for me, again. I was at a public place with my only brother having a great time. Not once did I think about drugs, of getting them or taking them. I was out there living a life just like everybody else and it felt better than any high a drug can give me!