My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 3 August 2007)
Day 252 – “Luister na my geheim (** Afrikaans)”
Ek staan op die oomblik in die gang en wag vir ma. Ek wag om ma se aansteeklike glimlag te sien, ma se hande om my lyf te voel en vir my te vertel dat alles reg gaan wees - dat ma daar sal wees vir my. Ek skryf hierdie brief met die hoop dat ma dit sal lees en dat ek nie vir die soveelste keer hoef om te draai en in trane na my slaapkamer toe moet hardloop nie.
Ek staan in die middel van my kamer, ma. Die honderde prente van een of ander kaal manlike bolyf staar my in die gesig en hier en daar maak 'n prent van kastige seks godinne soos Madonna, Pamela en Marilyn hulle verskyning. Vergeef my asseblief, ma. Ek probeer myself indink wat die dag gaan gebeur as ma moet uitvind. Wat gaan ek sê? Wat gaan ma die res van ma se lewe lank vir my voel? My vriende sê, hulle het dit vermoed, ma! Hulle sê hulle weet al lankal. Weet ma al lankal dat ek gay is?
Ek wens ek kon sê dit was 'n fase, ma, maar ek voel dit al my hele lewe lank. En nou waar ek op die ingang van my grootmens lewe staan wil ek nie meer elke dag 'n leuen lewe nie. Ek hoop dat ma hierdie brief lees. Ek hoop dat hoe meer en meer woorde ma lees, ma sal weet dat ek van ons twee praat. Ek hoop dat die trane en hartseer wat ma gaan voel nie lank sal hou nie en dat ons eendag weer mekaar se beste vriende kan wees... tot dan sal ek in die gang staan en wag vir ma!
** Translation to English available soon!
Day 252 – “Luister na my geheim (** Afrikaans)"
Day 251 – “Repercussions”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 2 August 2007)
Day 251 – “Repercussions”
My ‘Significant Other’ and I were talking about My Heroin Recovery this past weekend. I told him about my heroin addiction before we even met face to face and he was supportive and caring from that day without any hesitation. He asked me a question, a question I’ve been asked many times before – “If I get offered heroin right now; If somebody holds out their hand and open it to reveal heroin – would I take it?”
I heard a story one day from a friend of mine, it was still very early in my recovery. She told of one of her close family members who had been clean for a year and she got offered heroin one night by a friend. Of course, she couldn’t say “No” and destroyed a year of progress.
The sad thing is, that it wasn’t that she wasn’t strong or determined to get her life back or stay on the right track. It was just heroin still having that tight grip on her life. It’s not an easy fight and it definitely isn’t simple. If it was just a choice between “yes” and “no” it wouldn’t only have a 2% survival rate. Heroin has a hold on your life that most can never understand. Most can never even imagine.
So, perhaps it is not the answer I would have liked to give. And predictably it is not the answer you would want to hear. But it is the truth – I don’t know what I would do if I got offered heroin. I stay away from the people and the places that tempt me towards heroin in the hope that I won’t have to make the choice, because as much as I don’t like the answer to the question – I definitely don’t like the repercussions of it either.
Day 250 – “Result Great”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 1 August 2007)
Day 250 – “Result Great”
Today (Wednesday) is Day 250 in My Heroin Recovery. Somebody asked me yesterday how things are going in my life. I wouldn’t even know where to start…
I started a new job a month ago. The job has its challenges and I’m learning new stuff every day. Sometimes I should have gotten acquainted with these things years before; sometimes it is something that most people will never get to experience. But one thing is for sure - no two days seem to be the same and it really keeps me on my toes.
Overall it is very healthy because I’m getting more exercise, definitely seeing more sun and experiencing different areas in this and adjacent provinces. These points are already good reason to justify the job change, and even though money isn’t a big factor for me when choosing a career – I am receiving more money as well.
The love life came unexpectedly one day when I wasn’t really looking for it. Even this dry part of my life took an interesting turn as I got involved with somebody I normally wouldn’t have liked. Or perhaps not exactly ‘not liked’, but more that our paths never would have crossed because of our different interests, cities and social relationships.
We live about a 100km apart and only get to MXIt during the week and visit each other of weekends. I’ve met his family and he has met mine and everybody is getting along like they’ve known each other for years. The relationship is still new and I think both of us need to adapt again to being part of a group and not make single decisions anymore.
With work keeping me so busy I am getting less and less time to do the normal stuff that used to make part of my day. I am still blogging whenever I can and checking in on facebook on ‘n regular basis. In between I also try and make time to visit my friends. My two best friends got engaged a few weeks back. I’ve been promising them a decent blog post dedicated just to them – so you’ll get all the juicy details soon enough.
Seems that no matter what area of my life you may ask the question, the answer is unanimously obvious: It’s going great!
Day 249 – “Cause I like guys!”
My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 31 July 2007)
Day 249 – “Cause I like guys!”
Perhaps one of the most popular questions you get asked is when you first knew you were gay. To me, the question brings the memory of that holiday. Not because I suddenly turned gay as I stared into the eyes of another man, not because something happened in my life that exposed me to that world, but because for the first time what I was my whole life, what I was for as long as I could remember, made sense to me.
It took several years for me to finally come to terms with what I learned about myself that holiday. I finally came out of the closet a few years later to the amazement of some people and no surprise by others. In much the same way some have been accepting and others narrow mindedly cold towards me.
When I started this blog it was to deal with an issue greater than anything I every experienced in my life before. Sexual preference not only seemed insignificant at the time, but way off the subject of the topical heroin blog. So a conscious decision to leave it out of the blog was made from the start.
Over the months there were times that I vaguely discussed certain issues pertaining to my love life but I knew that I couldn’t really talk about it as TristanB at the time. Any reference to love could usually not be gender specific. So I started another blog which sometimes covered the issues that TristanB just couldn’t.
I started blogging as Conrad Daly, with occasional stories to tell, but never really award winning stuff. The blog was more a medium to get creative with stuff like ‘Hottie of the Day’, ‘Mr. World Experiment’, ‘Stranded’, ‘Hottest Men Alive’ and ‘Villiage People Directory’.
Conrad’s Blog ended on Monday night and any future stories I have to tell about that part of my life will be posted here. I can only hope that they will be greeted with the same loving arms that helped me through heroin recovery!
Day 248 – “Opening the doors!”
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 30 July 2007)
Day 248 – “Opening the doors!”
There are a few defining moments in my life. I remember my vacation in the Cape Province with my family when I was younger. I remember being so happy because I was young and perhaps a bit naïve. I hadn’t been hurt by people, by feelings, by love. I hadn’t been abused by money. I probably never even heard of drugs.
The sea was cold, impossible to swim in, but we had our feet in the water fighting the cold because the sea wasn’t something we got to see every day anymore. Seeing a movie on the big screen was almost unique to me so the IMAX theatre was an out of a world experience – which was appropriate seeing as we watched ‘Blue Planet’ at the time. We took a boat ride on the open side past ‘Seal Island’, a journey up to misty Table mountain and checked the marine life at the “Two Ocean’s Aquarium”. I remember all of it!
I remember walking down a street in one of the places we visited. As I crossed the street I looked up and found this beautiful face in front of me. Our eyes met for brief seconds but it felt like an eternity that we stayed locked onto each other. In what perhaps was a hidden instinct to be at the time, I smiled… we both smiled.
I wasn’t in love – love would be something I only experienced much later in my life. I was vulnerable - this wall I had inadvertently build around me collapsed and for the first time I saw its bricks scattered around me. I was excited – this rush of emotions charged over me and for the first time in my life everything fit into place.
It was on that holiday that a lot of things in my life made sense for the first time. For the first time there was a word for something I had been all my life but now I knew what it was - I was gay!
Day 247 – “On the 10th day of Blogging…”
My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 29 July 2007)
Day 247 – “On the 10th day of Blogging…”
The count down has begun. On Wednesday, 1 August it will have been 250 days since I started My Heroin Recovery.
The next few days I will be blogging daily again, and I’m actually looking forward to sharing my thoughts and views with you on a regular basis. What lies ahead is revealing something you may or may not have known about me, a blog you may or may not have known I created and of course a few format changes that has become tradition every 50 days.
I have a renewed excitement towards blogging realizing that there are still loads to tell and share. And with the changes lying ahead I hope you’ll find it to be even more honest than you’ve come to know it up to now.
See you all tomorrow again!
