Saturday, 3 March 2007
Day 100 / 23 (59) – “Hundred!”
I remember it like it was yesterday. I had this overwhelming drive to get better, but the control of heroin was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. One moment I was so sincere, genuine in my intentions to stop, to break the habit, to relief the pain I was inflicting on my precious family and on own life – the next I was craving so bad that none of it mattered. I didn’t know who I was anymore, my identity was lost. I was heroin’s pawn.
A 100 days later I am free. I can say that and I can mean it. Perhaps not free from addiction as that is a struggle I have had all my life. Perhaps not free from heroin – as it will always lurk in the shadows looking over my shoulder. But free to make my own choices again. Free to decide for myself to regress or grow, to be known as a junky or to be in recovery.
A 100 days ago I decided exactly that. To recover! I remember thinking how useless it all was. You hoped that this time would be the time, but deep down inside I knew I was powerless towards heroin. I wanted heroin badly and decided to write, I didn’t care who listened, who read, who liked it or rejected it. I was ready to explode and need to get it out there.
Something happened. People read it and supported me. They didn’t know me. In fact from the few lines I wrote those few days all that they could know about me was that I was a heroin addict. A quality that usually sends people packing. But they stayed and they read. What started off as a few comforting words from bloggers that happened upon my site ended up as a massive support system from people that read the blog religiously.
No matter how hard it was that day, how many tears were spilled or disastrous secrets revealed I could always count on them to listen. No matter how much I wanted to take heroin or how bad I felt for taking it again – they were there supporting me. These people that hardly knew me.
I hope very much that people will continue to read these daily entries for the next 100 days. It isn’t always the most suspense ridden story but it is always an honest portrayal of my heroin use and recovery. Whether you just happened upon this blog now or have been following from Day 1 – to you all I say thank you for listening to – MY HEROIN RECOVERY!
Day 100 – “Hundred!”
Day 99/21 – “Poll/Discussion 5 Closed”
Friday, 2 March 2007
Day 99/21 – “Poll/Discussion 5 Closed”
Thanx to HiddenTruth’s post on FeedReader I have decided to add all my favourite blogs on there and know that I won’t miss an entry now. I don’t always get time to comment on everybody’s blogs but believe me I am reading!
The question I asked last Sunday was:
Which piece or pieces I wrote told you or informed you the most of the problem of heroin addiction and what heroin addicts go through?
Thank you very much to all that participated. Lets face it, not every post is a masterpiece but I’d like to think I have my moments sometimes when the thoughts I have that day comes across perfectly.
Some days when I read the entry I did for that particular day, I get chills because it is so real to me. I hope that when you read them they are real to you to!
Followed below is the list of entries I think is worth remembering.
Day 1 - "I remember"
Day 7 - "A week clean"
Day 9 - "Making History"
Day 15 - "Can I cry?"
Day 16 - "I am Sixteen"
Day 18 - "Testing Day"
Day 19 - "I had a dream"
Day 25 - "Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 1)"
Day 26 - "Dr. Jeykell and his friend (Part 2)"
Day 45 - "He knew"
Day 46 - "The Wall at the Mall"
Day 50 - "Give me a FIFTY!"
Day 54 - "Bargaining with the Devil"
Day 58 - "3 Feet Under (by TiN)"
Day 68 - "A beautiful mind"
Day 77 - "A big fancy house"
Day 89 - "The Postbox (Part 1)"
Day 90 - "The Postbox (Part 2)"
Day 91 - "The Postbox (Part 3)"
Day 95 - "Where are you now?"
Day 96 - "A Blog about Heroin"
Day 98/20 – “The Tiger (William Blake)”
Thursday, 1 March 2007
Day 98/20 – “The Tiger (William Blake)”
Since it is a new month and I'm almost on Day 100 of my recovery I decided to change the look of the blog slightly. I hope you like it... more changes to come this weekend! Saturdays I normally do a post on a poem or a story I read that touched me or that I just find great reading. These posts are usually drug related. Since the weekend posts have moved to today and tomorrow I share with you a poem today that I have loved since my days at school...
THE TIGER
TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water’d heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
- William Blake
Day 97/19 – “Leap”
Wednesday, 28 February 2007 - Day 97/19 – “Leap”
Geetings bloggers. What a week! As I mentioned on Sunday the big company move is finally over. Much of this week has been pent settling into the new space and it is still very chaotic. The city had power problems on Monday and we basically sat at our desks staring at each other – and this on the first day of work. Asif that wasn’t enough the power interruptions caused problems on a few of the company computers which set us back even more.
I must say, I have been very excited about work this week. In my true ‘like to try new things’ nature I am ecstatic about the changes and eager to go to work. Even though we are working harder now, my stress levels have lowered considerably compared to the preceding few weeks.
Due to the ‘backlog’ of blogs nobody could have commented yet on my blog entry for Tuesday, but I am very curious to see the response on the issue. And if you think with this entry I am finally back to normal posting – you are wrong!
Saturday’s blog entry which is usually a poem or story written by somebody else and Sunday’s blog entry which is usually a recap on the week or a poll or question, moves to Thursday and Friday this week. This is to make way for Saturday’s post on Day 100.
As I’m sure you know by now I regard the first number on the top of each entry (“Day 97”) as the most important. It refers to the time in my life I could finally get it together and make a change – something I hope so many others will get to do as well. No matter how many times I fail in the future (and I don’t plan on making it many) everyday leading up to that failure is still an accomplishment I cannot overlook.
More of that on Saturday. I am still doing very well. As I said my stress levels are much lower, I’m sleeping again and even my leg pain has disappeared considerably. My parents are very happy and confident that I’m not hanging on the edge of taking again. Even my brother and I have spent some time together again. And news like that is always good to report.
Oh ye… this is as good a time as any to ask this. If you like this blog please vote for it on the right of the page!
Day 96/18 – “A blog about Heroin”
Tuesday, 27 February 2007 – Day 96/18 – “A blog about Heroin”
“What bothers me horribly - is that you can ONLY write about heroin. Are you not supposed to tell us what you do to get your mind OFF this drug addiction? I get the impression you worship this whole thing (heroin). It is ALL you can think about. Have you ever thought about doing something with your life?”
I got this e-mail this morning and I wasn’t quite sure how to respond at first. This is possibly because I can’t really argue with the fact that the blog mainly contains stories about heroin, the more I thought about it, the more I knew I would have to make an entry about it.
Scattered through the many days I have told my story, are stories about how I met someone I find attractive or how I long to find that special someone in my life. There are stories of parties of movies and braais with my parents, brother or friends. There are stories of my accomplishments or my gratitude to the people I met online. There are stories of my accident, of my fights of my work and of my play. There are even poems or stories written by other people that really touched me.
There are stories of my life now, of my life a few months ago and dreams of how I would like my life to be in the future. They are stories of a guy that got involved with heroin, how he struggled to keep his head above water and finally succeeded in doing so with help from his family and friends. They are stories of how he goes through everyday hoping he’ll remain strong and he surprises himself occasionally by the way he handles the obstacles in his path.
They are my stories – but they will forever remain the stories of a ‘Recovering Heroin Addict’. And I tell them day by day not to remind myself of heroin (because nothing will ever make me forget), I do so in the hope that the addicts out there reading this will find some inspiration and motivation in my progress and that everybody else out there will never have to start a blog called ‘My Heroin Recovery’!
Day 95/17 – “Where are you now?”
Monday, 26 February 2007 – Day 95/17 – “Where are you now?”
To my friend… before any of us were addicted!
Where are you now, my friend?
Why don’t you see me sitting here crying? Would your new friend even allow you to care? Look at me! Look at me! Please… I need to make you understand!
Where are you now my friend?
Someone is lying here next to me. Their green eyes remind me so much of you. They are hazed eyes, clouded eyes staring back at me. Hazed, yet not confused at all. The world seems so clear to him and so confusing to me in an apparent balancing effect. He has the flawed perspective of a perfect world and the theoretical equation to achieve it. Today he has all the answers and yet he has lost everything.
What are you feeling now, my friend?
Someone is lying here next to me. His experiences lies new to me now, to me forever. I feel closer to him now than anybody ever before, but nobody has ever been more of a stranger than he is to me now.
What are you hearing now, my friend?
Someone is lying here next to me, listening. But he can’t hear my pleads. He is listening to the calling of something much louder and stronger than I can ever be. Shall I try harder, shall I scream on the top of my lungs or shall I prepare myself for the inevitable “I told you so!”
Will I ever see you again or will this stranger be my new company? Will we ever be friends again or have you replaced me with hurriedly hurting heroin.
Where are you now, my friend?
Day 94/16 – “The move is over!”
Sunday, 25 February 2007 – Day 94/16 – “The move is over!”
Well, the weekend is almost over and I’ve been working nonstop. Thursday we started moving our office building and yesterday afternoon finally finished. Today, I’ve got what seems like a million of papers to sort out and filing to catch up on. Even so, I’m quite excited as to what tomorrow will bring.
For those of you that missed the story. We heard about six weeks ago, that our company will be moving to a new premises and we will get a new boss. We had approximately 6 weeks to move everything in a building where the company has been for almost 25 years.
Fast forward six weeks and the move is finally over. But the rest is only beginning. Two different companies now have to work together as one. This will make for interesting blogging I’m sure! With my recovery it is going very well. The last time I took was just over two weeks and I’m still getting withdraw symptoms. So, take my word for it – never start taking heroin.
The very first time I saw a friend of mine, or anybody for that matter, inject heroin, I wrote a poem about it. It is so weird reading it and knowing that, how I felt then is probably how everybody around me feels now. I’ll post that tomorrow (Monday).
The next week will go a bit different than usual. To make way for a special post next Saturday (Hint: Check the day Counter) the weekend posts (Poem and Poll) will move up to Thursday and Friday. Thanks again for all the support and I hope you’ll continue reading!
