Day 330/1 – “Under ‘S’”

My Heroin Recovery (Saturday, 20 October 2007)
Day 330/1 – “Under ‘S’”

It is Day 1. Everybody is out in town getting together to watch the rugby and I am lying alone in bed. Even with the medicine, it feels like millions of creatures all over my body are pulling the meat from my bones. There is no way to lie or stand or sit or sleep to sooth the discomfort. My bed and body are both sweaty and the stench of heroin leaving my skin hangs in the room. The smell is as familiar to me as the feeling of heroin itself. I’ve spent as much time trying to get rid of it as I have spent high on it and even so I know given half a chance I would be at the dealer trying to score again!

The logic or the lack thereof makes me sick more than any of the withdrawals can try and do! How can something be so easy and so complicated at the same time? All I have to do is stay clean. All I have to do is not pick up the phone and phone the dealer. All I have to do is stop – and right now it is the most difficult thing in the world to do!

I find myself climbing out of the trenches again. One minute I am overwhelmed with emotion and I cry at all the damage I have yet again left around me. Damage caused in an instant when the damage from last year isn’t even fixed yet. The next minute I am full of strength. I try and remember where I got the strength from last time hoping that I will be able to get that strength again. Perhaps it is one of my strongest weapons this time… the knowledge that it is not impossible. I did this all before. Sure, I stumbled in the end… but I got up and I am trying again. Day by day… one day at a time I am trying again!