My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 9 November 2007)
Day 350/21 – “Writing with my eyes closed”
I watched Brothers and Sisters last night. It has fast become one of my favourite TV programs ever. I must say there is a part of me that can relate to each one of the brothers or sisters on the program. Obviously the drug addict in me relates more with Jason (the wash out drug addict currently in Rehab) and the gay part of me relates better with Kevin (the gay lawyer). Last night Kevin made friends with a ‘straight guy’ at gym who unexpectedly kissed him while they hanging out and then they let… well... let other things hang out. That part I can definitely relate to. Whether it is something to be proud of or not, I’m not sure. But exactly the same thing has happened quite a few times with me in the past. One thing I can say is there is nothing else in the world that makes you feel as alive as such as experience. Unfortunately, just like Kevin when you reach the next day they chose to forget and the magnificent experience is just a memory that only you seem to remember.
I have become an expert on hiding my true feelings when it comes to certain people and after years of drug addiction, certain things. Heroin addiction made me a cheater and betrayer out of me. Such a good one, infact, that I could fool most people at any given time. Unfortunately hiding that part doesn’t leave you feeling excited at all… eventually it only hurts feelings and breaks relationships.
Luckily, and my friends will confirm this, I have always been better in expressing my feelings on paper. Perhaps that is why blogging was such a good idea. I don’t think a verbal diary would have gotten anywhere close to the truths revealed on the blog. Maybe it is because I can’t see who is reading my blog when I’m typing it. You see, then there is nobody to look in the eyes and instinctively lie to. If that is the case I’ll close my eyes and I’ll type pretending that nobody is watching. At least not watching how I fall and fail but rather standing behind me and help me get up!
Day 350/21 – “Writing with my eyes closed”
Day 349/20 – “Writers Block”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 8 November 2007)
Day 349/20 – “Writers Block”
I have so much to say, not only about my recovery but general things which other people also blog about. Whenever I try and put some of the words in my head on paper or pixels on the computer screen nothing seems to come out right. Every word or every sentence just comes out wrong. I’m not sure if it is writer’s block because I actually think I have a lot of things to write about – for some reason though it isn’t working on paper.
I have not been feeling very well the past few days. I realize just all to well the damage heroin has caused yet again. My body is broken in too many places to mention, the scary part is most of those places I am not even aware of yet. My days are still very up and down. Today is good, tomorrow may not be. What gets me through some days is knowing that after a few tomorrows it will eventually get better.
I am sorry for being so quiet lately. The office has exploded with work and I am more out of town than I am in town. There are so much new things happening. As soon as I am sure it is not just talk I’ll talk about some of it here. All I can say now is that once again I have been given an amazing chance. A chance to do what I love, a chance to be a better employee and a chance to make up for my previous wrongs.
I have been given a lot of chances lately. Some days I don’t know if I deserve any of them and I see it as a miracle that my friends and family are still there helping me. My best friend phones me everyday to check up on me. My parents check everyday if I’m okay and what they can do to help me. I know the biggest gift I can give any of them is to get better. I know right now that is the biggest gift I can give myself!
Day 338/9 – “Q & A: Rehab”
Q & A (Sunday, 28 October 2007)
Day 338/9 – “Q & A: Rehab”
A lot of things are different in my life this time around. My work for instance is much more demanding and active and I travel a lot more. Since I’m not in the office the whole day like I was last year getting the blog posted on time isn’t always possible. I still want to update you on the progress day by day – so please bare with me if the posts are a day or two late sometimes.
I am asking a question today which a few have already answered. I hope you’ll participate by answering this question as well as the others to follow in the weeks ahead. These questions are specificly about heroin addiction or my recovery and I ask them in an attempt for us all to understand some of the choices or mistakes a bit better.
Today I want to know if you think I should go to Rehab and when you think I should go. Do you feel it is long overdue or do you believe I have and can manage without the help of an institution?
Day 337/8 – “Remembering… Deja vu”
Flashback (Saturday, 27 October 2007)
Day 337/8 – “Remembering… Deja vu”
This piece was originally posted on 25 November 2007, on Day 2 of My Heroin Recovery. I can only smile at the similarities…
I’m hurting… badly. There isn’t a part of me that isn’t hurting right now. Physically it feels like the flesh is being ripped from my bones. I’ve got goose bumps all over my skin, I feel every thing, every bump and every one of them hurts. Emotionally I’m just about to quit. The tears keep coming and the reasons for them are abundant. I just came from a 40-minute ‘what a disappointment you are!’ session with the folks. Once again I stood by while my character was ripped apart by people hurting so badly, hurt that I caused and keep on causing by my actions.
They say I’m weak – and truthfully I can’t really argue. I cracked, gave up – once again – and tried to score. My mom and dad have learned some of the tricks, most of them by now and stopped me in time. And although I look back at the events of the past hour gratefully it did not come without its expense. I displayed just once again the kind of person I’ve turned into and the lengths I would go to for my drugs.
I ask myself: ”Why?”. Why is it that once more a Saturday, a week, a life is ruined by my selfish actions. For that moment, that brief moment where I have my love in my arm, I think only of myself. I do the stupidest things to the most loving people and for what? Why? To slowly kill myself – that is why! To feel good for a few minutes and bad for days. Where is the logic in that?
I sit here with regret for the things that I have done. For the things that happened just now or this morning, yesterday or last week. I sit here with genuine intention to change, to try harder this time, to not give in to this poison, again. But I say that with a sort of deja-vu to it because I’ve been here before many times, I’ve said it before many times. Just for today I really mean it!
Day 336/7 – “Pain to a normal life”
My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 26 October 2007)
Day 336/7 – “Pain to a normal life”
Today is Day 7. Strange saying that again, going from over 300 days to just 7. I must say that the time passes a lot faster than last time. Every day last year felt like an eternity, but I think that had a lot to do with the mess in my life that still had to be fixed. Even though this relapse shouldn’t be taken lightly at all – I don’t think the damage is the same as last time. Then again, given enough time it probably would have reached it again. If I could beat this last time when all the odds were against me, then I can certainly do it now.
For a moment today I was bombarded with issues and problems that would normally send me fleeing for heroin. It has become such a convenient escape… all I had to do was take heroin and everything was better (well… to me at least). In the process I leave all the sober people in my life to deal with the problems I should be dealing with. My parents have actually said on occasion that perhaps they should also have taken heroin thinking that they would then understand a lot of the things I do. I guess that point is arguable, since I often don’t know what the hell I’m doing!
One thing I am trying to do right is the medicine. Somebody asked during the week what medicine I was taking that allowed me to go back to work after just a weekend. The medicine I am on still for a few days is Subutex then I am switching to Physeptone/Methodone. In the mornings when I open my eyes it is the first thing I reach for and in those few moments before it starts working I must say I feel like sh*t. Unfortunately, it is also addictive so when and how much of it I take must be carefully monitored.
Soon I will leave all the medicine and I’ll have to live through the pain that took over 50 days last time before it went away. Even my teeth are acting up because of heroin and I will have to see a dentist next week. So, pain will come and go I guess but it is the price that I need to and will willingly pay to live a normal life again!
Day 335/6 – “O… for Opportunity”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 25 October 2007)
Day 335/6 – “O… for Opportunity”
It is Day 6. After the disaster of Tuesday night I was forced to examine what I was doing with my life and which direction it was heading. Heroin pushes you into this haze where nothing seems to matter any more and even though I have real regret at times about my actions and what it does to those around me, it all seems to disappear when you crave it again.
I was alone today the whole day. I knew that if I wanted to I could get heroin and just continue like I have the past few weeks. If I had, my parents probably would have noticed. The trust I build up the past year is now gone again because of all my lies so I can’t blame them for checking for any signs of it. More importantly I knew that if I took today I would just have given myself permission to take yet again another day.
So, I am extremely proud to say that even with ample opportunity I stayed clear of it today. It wasn’t just an easy ride. The whole day felt empty, like I missed something and I realize that the whole mission of getting and taking heroin became a routine in my life that now leaves a very empty space. It will take time again to fix that. It will take a lot of time to fix many things.
Hykie Berg, whom I think is uber cute and talented told about his Heroin Addiction last night on Kwela. I sat and listened in horror how he told about what he went through, how he scored, when he took and how he finally struggled to get clean. His story was almost exactly the same as mine. Even after 7 years of totally being clean he relapsed almost throwing it all away. It just shows you how you can never let your guard down, not with any addiction, especially not with heroin. As I saw him there on TV you would never say he was a heroin addict. My wish to myself and countless others out there is that we can also be that lucky.
Day 334/5 – “Countdown”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 24 October 2007)
Day 334/5 – “Countdown”
I spent the whole day today thinking about where my life is and where I’m going with it. I had a relapse and since that day I haven’t been able to completely get rid of it. My family were furious because I tried to take again. They keep supporting me and helping me and I keep going back to the same routine. My friends were not exactly impressed that I lied to them or kept them at a distance the past few weeks. My ‘significant other’ and I decided to rather be friends because I couldn’t and still can’t give my attention to a relationship and even at the office the impact was negative because my head wasn’t in the right place. Something needs to change!
Last year I got to a point where we all made the decision that if I didn’t get better before a certain date I would go to Rehab. A lot of people have mentioned Rehab since my post on Saturday and I feel I need to clarify something. I have never said “No” to going to Rehab. I am obviously not very eager to what Rehab might cause (such as possibly losing my job) but compared to losing my life there is no contest. I see Rehab as a last resort when all other roads have been exhausted. Unfortunately, we seemed to have reached that destination.
In exactly a month it will be a year ago that I started My Heroin Recovery. I have then appropriately given myself until that day (that’s 4 weeks) to get off heroin, get off the medicine and give a clean test. That is yet another chance I might or might not deserve. Some would say I have already had way too many chances. I’d like to see this as motivation. Whatever the case, if I can’t do it then I am going to Rehab.
I have shown the strength once before and left heroin and moved on with my life. It will continue to be a life long struggle but I am much more positive today than the preceding few days that I can beat this once again. As always I’ll be here informing you how it’s going and hope you’ll continue following My Heroin Recovery.
Day 333/4 – “Taking back"
My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 23 October 2007)
Day 333/4 – “Taking back”
There are not many moments in this life I will take back if I had the chance. Even my addiction to heroin questionably made me a better or stronger person in the end. If it indeed did then I shouldn’t wish to erase any of those experiences. Of course, when that experience comes at a price that the people around me must pay, an immense price for which none of them asked, then it can only be a moment to completely erase. Tonight is one of those moments. One that should never have happened. One, given the chance, I would easily take back.
I tried to take heroin again. Right now, the past few hours seem like the dumbest choices in my life but at that moment I was only thinking of one thing. It is like I’m a whole different person hunting down and taking heroin. A person that, as my family reminds me, doesn’t give a damn about the rest of them. Sadly, my parents were the ones that stopped me from taking – which means once again I disappointed, hurt and most definitely angered them.
This whole day I tried to be so strong and block out the craving, that nagging to go and get heroin. It is a screaming inside my head, an urge throughout my body that doesn’t want to keep quiet unless I silence it with heroin. I take a lot of medicine and even though they help for a lot of things that nagging will only stop when it gets heroin. For a moment today I thought I made it but I used the slightest gap to throw it all away, just like I would have done tomorrow and no doubtedly the day after that.
So, yes tonight feels like a moment I would gladly take back. I hate that it happened! Then again, because of it there is no way I’ll be taking tomorrow. It sounds bizarre but the best thing that could have happened to me was trying to take and my parents catching me. So, I guess it is one of those moments that just needs to stay – especially if it keeps me away from heroin for another day!
Day 332/3 – “Feelings”
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 22 October 2007)
Day 332/3 – “Feelings”
It is Day 3. I woke up this morning and predictably felt like a train ran over me. My parents were amazing in helping me through this, even though they should still be mad. It was my first day back at work today after a weekend in bed. It didn’t go to badly considering how I felt yesterday. I am glad that I was kept busy, keeping my mind off everything that was going on around me.
I am fighting the craving of heroin. Every second my mind gets to gather thoughts it thinks about it. That part is scary because I know that I can’t be watched 24/7 and that means sooner or later a tremendous big decision will lie in my path and I will either be strong or will fail terribly. Right now… I don’t have any guarantees.
I have started posting the entries from this weekend and many people replied with comments and e-mails. I thank you for still following, supporting and giving advice. It is nice to see so many familiar names, faces and identities but I feel ashamed to be writing about the same subject again, a topic we all thought would never feature ever again. But your views have always been a key instrument in me getting better, so please never be hesitant to tell me what you feel.
Right now, what I feel is regret that this started again and that it lasted as long as it did. I feel humiliation at the controls and methods that make me a prisoner of my own actions again. I feel scared to do this and angry that I have to. I am trying to keep strong so I’ll settle for having that today… strength… just for today!
Day 331/2 – “The ladder to sobriety”
My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 21 October 2007)
Day 331/2 – “The ladder to sobriety”
It is Day 2. My blog has been quiet for a few weeks – now you know why! I had some pre-written blogs prepared but I decided to delete them because I didn’t want to post blatant lies. Even these entries will only be posted once I am sure it isn’t just a Day 1, Day 2 and then heroin again! So… I sincerely hope they get posted during this week!
I’ve had a lot of time to think over the past few days. I’ve blamed everything from medicine to work to stress and boredom to justify just another hit but in the end I know it is just excuses. I had two of the toughest weeks at the office – weeks I never want to relive again. It has made it so much harder to even try and stop – but the honest truth is – I wouldn’t have even, if it was smooth sailing.
The worst anger from my parents has died down and they are talking to me again. The screaming from the past few days and nights have stopped. I don’t think they are less angry but their true character shines thru because they are more worried. Worried that their stupid son is slowly killing himself. And even through the anger and the worry they still shown compassion when I am at my downest moment. They are truly better people than I can ever hope to be!
Sundays are always more depressing than other days. I have hardly eaten and still don’t have my appetite back. I’ve hardly been out of bed this weekend and tomorrow I have to work again. Not just sit in an office – but actually work. Right now… I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through it... any of it!
