"Day 1 in Rehab"

Thursday, 1 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 1 in Rehab"

Rehab, 1 April 2008...

I finally have a date. In over 8 months of continues drug use and 10 years of relapsing time and time again, I finally have a date to look back on as the day I stopped using drugs. It is the 1st of April, April Fools too many, but I know my life is no joke anymore, it hasn’t been a joke for a very long time - it is deadly serious. So, serious that I find myself standing at the doors of a Rehab Clinic as one of the only unexhausted options.

It is my first time here and I feel like Alice in Wonderland stumbling down the rabbit hole as if I am on a bad acid trip. I must be! Surely it can’t be that I’ve thrown a decade of my life away. It can’t be my thin dead reflection staring back at me when I look in the mirror. It can’t be that I’ve lied, betrayed and stolen just to keep poison flowing through my veins, could it?

My white body is only skin and bone drifting around aimlessly, like a ghost almost. My whole personality sucked out and replaced by… nothing… a void really. A void that took only a few hours to surface in my life again and most believe 4 months would not even cure, let alone 4 weeks.

This morning I didn’t care to ever take drugs again but now I want to kick myself for not smuggling something in. They search my bags, clothes, I even have to strip down to my underwear and take that off. Perhaps it is best I didn’t try to bring something in, where would I have hid it?

I start looking at the windows, the doors, anything that will help me get out of here. I have to do this but I don’t know if I can! I have to part with my drugs but I don’t know if I want to! I’m taken to detox and get a handful of pills and pop them in my mouth without taking a look at any of them. I don’t want to know what they are giving me. I don’t want to know how I’ll get through tomorrow or through the next 4 weeks. I just want to close my eyes and get through the night!