Monday, 11 February 2008
Current Recovery - "Facing religion"
I have decided that 2008 is the year that I finally decide who I am, what I am and where I’m heading with my life. Of course, the first item in my life that drastically needs to change is my addiction. There is no doubt that I have an addictive personality that has seen me develop unhealthy habits towards everything from sex to gambling to drugs. In the past I have managed to kick some of these habits only to start something else a few months or years afterwards. Normally these new habits are then much more dangerous and damaging than the original. So I am on a real mission this year to get behind whatever problems there might be in my life and sort them out.
One of the biggest problems in my life that seem to pop up everytime anybody talks to me about anything is religion. I have never discussed religion on my blog, for good reason. It is by far the biggest instigator of heated debates and my experiences have taught me that whatever the point of view, people are very reluctant to listen to another.
As I mentioned yesterday the directors at the office have decided to try and help me with my addiction. I cannot go into any detail as yet but one of the conditions has to do with my religion. So the question came up where and when my religious life took a bad turn. I thought I’d share it with you to maybe get the point of view of different people out there.
In my final year of Sunday school I sat talking to our pastor and I asked a question that had been bugging me for ages. I could already feel my reluctance to everything being taught around me and I needed to get some answers to calm my enquiring mind. “What makes you or me, as Christians, so sure that we are the right religion and that all the other religions are wrong? We are taught that this or that religion is wrong and the people belonging to that faith may not end up in heaven. What makes us so sure that we aren’t the wrong one? Surely the people in those religions have as much faith and believe just as much in their bible or their god as we do. And finally how can we base our religion and quote phrases from and judge or praise people based on a book written by people and edited and changed by people. Surely those other religions also have a book similar to the bible on which they may be basing their faith. What makes our bible correct and theirs not?”
It is a mouth full, I know. I am not trying to be negative or sound like an atheist or something. I am merely asking the question I asked that day. The answer I got was terrible and I’ll share it with you in another post. I have posted this entry because my faith and religion at this point is as much part of my heroin recovery as actually stopping heroin. Those that feel they can say something which can shed some light on the questions I asked are welcome to comment. I am an open minded person and will listen to the point of view. I will however not engage in any religious debates, as it is not the point of this post.
"Facing religion"
"The faces of heroin"
Monday, 21 January 2008
Current Recovery - "The faces of heroin"
I’ve been staring at the mirror for what feels like hours, maybe a few days. I don’t think I will know the difference anymore. Time has changed for me: It is either an extreme, agitated rush where every single person seems to taunt me with their lingering movement or I am the guilty that seem to unhurriedly hover around dead to the world, to my family and to myself.
I try and remember what my face looked like 3 years ago, which lines, wrinkles or spots were there a week ago or yesterday and which only appeared today. I try and find that look in my eyes, that optimistic look that used to shine through in everything I did. All I see now is dead pinned eyes.
I stopped at the dealer a while back and just as I was driving off another woman stopped her car to also get heroin. I got the impression she was a young woman but her face looked 10 times older. I had no idea how long she had been taking heroin but every single hit seemed to be engraved on her face. I was looking at my future – if I even lived that long!
There are a lot of signs around me at the moment showing me that I need to change my life. I see them and most of the time there is genuine intention to do whatever it will take to get my life back. I will tell you this: I am scared, scared of every action, scared of each re-action and consequence, scared of the withdrawal pain and the leg pain that will follow for months afterwards, scared of the depression and rollercoaster emotions, scared of the emptiness, the longing and the craving. Thinking about any of this just makes me crave heroin again… a vicious cycle indeed!
“Getting started!”
Monday, 14 January 2007
Current Recovery – “Getting started!”
I find it slightly difficult to start writing this post today. In fact I’ve spent the past few days writing single sentences that leads nowhere and ends up being deleted. I have a lot to say, seeing as a number of things happened since I last blogged, but my mind feels like a badly translated Japanese movie at the moment. Here we go… my first diary post of 2008…
I never thought I’d ever hit rock bottom. No matter how bad things were I had hope that I could beat it. I never knew where that hope came from, now I don’t have much of it left! To make things worse I lost a lot more than just hope: I lost the respect, trust and perhaps a bit of love from my parents. I lost my best friend who decided to break away because I can’t break away from this drug cycle. And as all the truths make their way to the surface it is inevitable that I will loose a lot more.
I’ve had a lot of time to think the past few weeks about where I am in my life at the moment and more importantly where I’m headed. I am turning 28 this year and the only thing I have accumulated in my lifespan is worry, regret and lots of debt. I thought that I would have enough motivation to get and stay clean with the support of my family, friends and job but instead of proving to myself and those around me that I could do it, I took drugs, lots and lots and LOTS of drugs.
It doesn’t take a genius to see that I have a big problem… one that will not go away! My intention is not to make one depressing post after the other this year, in fact I believe that positive thought goes a long way in beating this disease. However, just like last year and the year before I will be telling the story of my heroin recovery as honestly as I know how. Some things will come easy and others, like the posts to follow the next few days, will seem to take forever to finish.
Regardless of how long the posts take I hope that I will find them as therapeutic as I did in the past. I hope that you will learn and understand things about addiction you never knew before and that it will help you understand your friends and family with the same problem better. Above all I hope to look back at each post I make from now on with disbelieve at the progress I made with each passing day. If I could make one resolution for 2008, that would be it.
For now all that is left to say is “Sayonara”… (Japannese… get it?)
Day 394 – “Take a deep breath”
Current Recovery (Sunday, 23 December 2007)
Day 394 – “Take a deep breath”
It is actually amusing if you think about it. I’m in my late 20’s and for my entire life I’ve been under my parents’ roof. They cared for me, cooked for me, cleaned and ironed for me. They gave me what I needed and even sometimes what I didn’t need. Even when the idiotic things I did got me in trouble with the law more than once my parents were still there to bail me out and help me through it. It is safe to say that most of my life has been smooth sailing with endless help from my parents… that is of course, until now!
I got this news a while back but first had to make sure it wasn’t just talk and had to inform my friends and family before I posted it here on the blog. I am being transferred to another part of the company. It is a chance of a lifetime really, one I won’t easily get again. The line of work is right up my alley and it is a brilliant opportunity to show what I’m capable off. The catch is it is almost 400 km’s from where I am staying now! That is 400 km’s from everything I know, love and have grown comfortable with.
The important thing however is not so much the distance as the fact that I will be staying on my own! For the first time in my life I will be out from underneath my parent’s roof. No longer under their guidance or their supervision. Some would say it is about time and I guess I would have to agree that not only do I need to experience life on my own with more responsibility but I need to give my parent’s some of their life back. On the other hand it is painfully obvious that I am not an average 27 year old and staying on my own brings obstacles to my life that most can not even imagine.
One thing is for sure, this can be the greatest thing to ever happen in my life. This is a perfect opportunity to find out who and what I am and where I am going with my life. It is also a recipe for complete disaster and if managed incorrectly will lead to my downfall in many ways. The next few months will make out a critical part of how the rest of my life will go and I know that many people will spend their days holding their breath watching how I handle it.
Come to think of it… it is not so amusing after all!
Sizzling Shower Saturday
For those of you that don’t know yet (and for some reason care) I have a fetish for shower pictures – or more specificly men in showers (perhaps now I have a bit more of your attention). There is just something about the water running down the exquisitely perfect bodies that is just so inviting, so yummy! Take Mr. Slippery on the photo below, those eyes are just screaming for another hand to help him… wash!
So from now on Saturdays are dedicated to those pictures so hot they need a shower to cool them down. Or men so dirty (and by that I mean actual dirt… think firemen or rugby players) they need an extra long shower to get them clean and if we are really lucky an extra pair of hands to get to all those hard to reach places!
Tomorrow we’ll get back to some actual writing. For tonight just enjoy the view!
Day 392 – “Whooo… that feels good!”
Current Recovery (Friday, 21 December 2007)
Day 392 – “Whooo… that feels good!”
Somebody left this comment on one of my blog entries. I decided to post it after one of my friends pretty much said the same things to me today. Seems that most communication my way is now done in screaming and while I hope anybody don’t think screaming is going to make a positive difference, I guess I have to respect that they have to get rid of their anger in some way.
Most people in my life feel like this I guess… some have gotten around to tell me, others just haven’t had the chance yet. After the things I have recently done I can’t argue with it any of it. I can’t even ask for forgiveness or say I feel helpless because I’ll just be accused of trying to get sympathy.
I wanted to sensor the swear words below but it would have pissed me off if half the paragraph was blacked out. Here is what Amanda said after my blog post “The Last Road”
“This is fucking stupid. this whole thing, this whole fuckiness of a life that people call a fucking life is stupid and pointless ‘cuz it all sucks, and it’s just gonna keep on sucking and there's only sometimes happy moments in between. You know what junkies do? They ruin their fuckin’ lives and then they proceed to fuck everyone elses up too. They make people cry over every fucking little thing, and hate themselves for not being enough and want to die. That’s what the fuck they do. They don't care about them FUCKING selves, they don't care about their families, they don't care about their fucking 11 year old daughters 3000 fucking miles away getting poked in the butt by some dude. they don't fucking care, because wooooo that feels good. fuck ‘em all.”
Day 372 – “Avoiding this entry”
Current Recovery (Saturday, 1 December 2007)
Day 372 – “Avoiding this entry”
It is 1 December 2007 - International Aids Day. I’ve spent most of this day really unaware of the significance of what today is really about to millions of people around the world. I have been tested for AIDS before, but not since I started taking heroin. I haven’t had the courage to go yet. I honestly don’t foresee a problem, since I never really shared needles or had unprotected sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Even so, there is always a possibility and I know I should stop avoiding the problem and face it.
My whole life has been like that: avoiding the problem, avoiding talking or sometimes fighting about the problem, even fixing the problem was sometimes avoided. I guess, some part of me thinks if I avoid it long enough it will just go away. I have found out the hard way that is not the case. The problem never goes away. It always stays there and at the most inopportune time it will pop up again. No problem… I can just avoid it again, right!
Much of my heroin experience I have avoided the real issues. I mean, sometimes I mentioned some of them here but do I really change any of them? Only I know the emotions and feelings, the secrets that don’t even make it to these pages. Only I know the truth behind every decision and every consequence. Only I know… and I know it has to change, something has to change!
It is a bit early to make resolutions for the New Year, but I’m giving myself an extra month to do it. I know if I try and sort out the problems in my life instead of running away from them many other things will fall into place. I guess the 1st of December is about making more of the time we have on this earth and looking after ourselves to make sure we have enough time to complete what we have to do here. Perhaps I see the significance of it afterall.
Day 370 – “The last road”
Current Recovery (Thursday, 29 November 2007)
Day 370 – “The last road”
I have always seen it as a last resort. When all other avenues have been exhausted… then… and only then do we venture on this forbidden road. I mean, addicts go to Rehabs right. Oh ye… now I remember. I am one!
I have had to make peace with the fact that most alternate roads have already been traveled. In fact I left those roads in an awful state with vandalized road signs, fainting paint and huge pot holes. Rehab is one of the last remaining ones.
So, obviously I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. If I am honest with myself I have to admit that I need professional help in some way or form. Even with my remarkable recovery the first time around, I spent my fair share in depressing depths. I always figured I would see somebody professional when I’m back on my feet financially. Unfortunately this latest drug binge left me in a very bad way with many financial institutions and I don’t see that happening soon.
Even before my heroin addiction I have always made it a point never to just miss work for any reason. I rarely take holidays and I rarely stay home sick. Even with my recovery last time I didn’t miss one day of work to stay at home and recover. I had a heroin addict friend who constantly took off from work always with some kind of excuse, usually he was at home withdrawing from heroin. In the end he quit his job and went to rehab. Unfortunately he came back only to start the habit again and he hasn’t been able to keep a job since.
I have seriously considered rehab or something similar but I feel very strong about this one thing. I can’t just quit my job. My job is very important to me and it is one of the few things keeping me from totally losing my mind. There is also a new project starting in 2008 which I might be in charge off – so things are looking up in that area. And to be totally honest there is no guarantee any attempt at rehab would even work.
I have already made up my mind regarding the issue and will share it with you in due time. In the mean time however, I would love to hear your views about this if you consider what I mentioned about my job. It is always nice to get an opinion of what ‘the public’ thinks and since I regard many of you as close friends it makes your opinion all the more important.
Coming Up during the week!
The posts that follows during the week touches on HIV, Rehab and a look into my drug past with LSD/Acid. Remember to send your questions to be answered on the blog via e-mail (tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za). The questions can be about my heroin addiction specificly or just general stuff you might have been wondering about.
Hope to hear from you all.
Christiaan (aka Tristan)
Day 368 – “Chasing the dragon”
Current Recovery (Tuesday, 27 November 2007)
Day 368 – “Chasing the dragon”
I am currently reading a book by Steve Hamilton called ‘I want my life back’. It is the second time I am reading it and it truly is a scary and inspirational story about drug addiction in general but specifically the viciousness of heroin addiction and recovery. The sad thing is I read this book the first time BEFORE I started injecting heroin. I was only smoking it at that time. Even my best friend at the time was living a life which mirrored much of what happened to Steve and none of that raised warning flags to me. I still injected it for some reason thinking it won’t happen to me. I think a lot of heroin addiction stories starts of like that.
My blog sites on 24.com, BlogSpot and Facebook all look a bit different from this week. In addition to the physical appearance I have decided to start including more stories of my past drug experiences – after all, those experiences created the person I am today. I originally thought of keeping them all for the book (the one I am still supposed to right about my recovery). Recent events however proved to me that my life story and my story about recovery is very far from finished and when I start writing the book there will be more than enough experiences to include in there…
For the moment I will just keep to my blog entries. Due to my busy work on the road the blog posts are often a bit late. I apologize for that. My office is closing in 2 weeks for the Christmas Holidays. I’ll be on standby and helping out at my old job. So, I’m sure things will run more smoothly then.
Lastly, something new again on the blog is ‘Q&A’. I have recently been bombarded with questions and felt maybe a lot of other people are wondering about the same things. So, please feel free to ask your questions by sending them to tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za and I’ll answer them once a week on the blog.
Check you all tomorrow again.
Day 366 – “All I want for Christmas”
Current Recovery (Sunday, 25 November 2007)
Day 366 – “All I want for Christmas”
It is Sunday - a month before Christmas. I have ruined yet another weekend for my family. I don’t need to give much detail, since we all know my repetious destructive cycle off by heart by now. My million too many chances are up. I will discuss more about this and my decision regarding rehab during the week.
I have been slowly moving away from my friends and family into my own little secluded corner. Heroin is definitely not a drug that you take with a bunch of people unlike ecstasy or cocaine which is usually at its best the more people you have around you. I spent last night with my two best friends, more company than I've had in weeks. They met each other through one of my famous parties (in the time when we still had them). The parties were normally something many people looked forward to every year and of course had their share of brilliant music, many unknown and uninvited faces, alcohol and of course other substances. For a very long time “having fun” was something I couldn’t do without drugs. Right now I’ll just settle for “feeling normal”.
After talking to my friends last night I realized just how much this has affected them, even with my slow recoil into darkness. They have stood by me through all of this last time and this time but unsurprisingly their patience is now wearing very thin. And even though I truly admire and appreciate their dedicated friendship it is the support and patience of my parents that I find nothing short of a miracle.
My friends, I think, at the worst of times only get a fraction of what is really going on. My family however is living with it in their faces day by day, they feel the full extend of it and still they've found ways to help me through it.
All I keep thinking is how this all should have gone down differently. My mother’s birthday last month and mine at the end of it. My new life with my new job and new boyfriend. This celebration of a year in recovery and even the Christmas celebration – it all should have been so different. We won’t be doing much regarding presents this year and even though slightly cliché, I know that the biggest gift I can give anybody close to me or even myself is just getting clean again.
