Day 185 - "Fighting Viciously"

Monday, 28 May 2007
Day 185 - "Fighting Viciously"

On Wednesday that passed I was in recovery 6 months. And although it still feels like yesterday that ‘heroin addict’ was an appropriate description for me, it also feels like years have passed since then. I remember sitting at this exact same spot, typing on the same computer and every word that appeared on the screen I wrote with hope that I would beat it, and with every line that I finished the doubt started setting in. To imagine a time back then where I was no longer a heroin addict – seemed nearly impossible.

A lot of things have changed since then, not only in my personal life, but in my work life. Although it is not something I am actively doing at the moment or pursuing viciously I have started to submit my CV to a few places. I love my job very much and for more than 6 years I have been very happy with the company I am at. But in all due respect to my bosses, in the end it is still a dead-end job. I am not earning a lot of money and there is no chance of working myself into a higher position with more pay.

I realize perhaps now, after inspecting the state of my life, more than ever that I need to look after myself. I need to make sure I have a future somewhere. One of the places I have sent my CV is in Johannesburg/Pretoria which raised a whole other series of problems and questions. The most important one really is whether I’d be ready to move away from home and somewhere on my own. And that is a very difficult one to answer!

Six months, although to me a huge achievement, is not very long in recovery. Then again when will be long enough. I don’t know if that longing for heroin inside will ever go away. I have surprised myself and a whole lot of other people with how well I’ve been doing the past few months. I think I’ve shown a lot of strength, even if I say so myself. So, I know one thing for sure. I will not let heroin into my life again without a hell of a fight!