Friday, 22 June 2007
Day 210 – “7 months”
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go… the count down has begun. In a few hours I will be on my way to ‘Jan Smuts’, oh sorry, ‘Jo-burg International’, oh sorry, ‘O.R Tambo’… hell, I’d better get there soon before they change the name again!
I will be flying on a plane for the very first time in my life. I’ve been flying high on drugs all my life and even flew on a helicopter once, but never in a plane before. Another first for me! Wonder what will happen if I shout ‘bomb’ on the plane?
My newly found ‘significant other’ and I only get to see each other weekends and since I’m away in Cape Town this weekend we will only get to see each other next weekend again – ah, the agony! Of course, being apart for so long makes the meeting up so much more ‘explosive’.
I will definitely be going to Century City on Saturday and doing one of my favourite things - walking in shopping malls and checking all the funky people. Maybe I’ll still catch some of you there. In between that and the family responsibilities we’ve got a hectic day planned.
To my friends out there, I’ll be on MSN the weekend and I’ll be back on Sunday night will loads to tell. So, watch out for a full blogging week with juicy details. Oh and I just heard I have another interview on Monday again, and another one later on in the week. What a great way to start the weekend!
Day 210 – “7 months”
Day 209 – “Singles or Doubles?”
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Day 209 – “Singles or Doubles?”
I woke up on Wednesday morning and there was something else in my life that wasn’t there the day before. I took a few minutes for me to place these new emotions in a category I could recognize. Perhaps it is because I haven’t felt them in a very long time. Yes, I woke up on Wednesday morning and for the first time in more than 2 years – I was no longer single!
If you’ve been following this and my Afrikaans blog you know that I have been working on a possible relationship. Even though this person does not stay in the same town as I do, we decided on Tuesday that we’ll officially update the relationship status to ‘involved’.
We’ve known each other now for almost 2 months but I can count the time we’ve spent together on one hand. Due to the distance between us we’ve relied mostly on phone communication. Luckily we’ve got plans together for the next few weeks.
I’ve been thinking a lot whether I should be in a relationship this early in recovery. I am very cautious of getting romantically involved or possibly getting hurt and undoing seven months of progress. I’ve been open about my heroin past since we met and must say that I have not received anything else but total support and understanding during the time. That just makes the love between us even stronger!
Day 208 – “New Obstacles”
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Day 208 – “New Obstacles”
It has been a while since I’ve sat down and told you how it is going. Hopefully by my previous postings you could see that I have made a huge improvement up to date. My life is slowly showing signs of returning to a state of normal it hasn’t seen in a very long time. Of course, each day brings new obstacles…
I went for an interview on Monday. It came a bit unexpected which left me a bit unprepared. It has been over 7 years since I last sat down for an interview and I was a bundle of nerves to put it lightly. Still, it appears it didn’t go too badly and they’ll let me know if I make the short list.
All of us at the office realize that I can leave at any moment. So, my work needs to be divided between other people who need to be taught. Between sending out my CV, going for interviews, completing my work and teaching others my job – I have been swamped and stressed much more than usual.
And even though I don’t always consciously notice it, these little things mull in the back of my mind making me even more stressed. On a very bad day I do still find it difficult to cope because my body and mind wants that total silence it got from heroin. You’ll remember I stated it as a major reason why I relapsed last time. I just wanted to get rid of the noise in my head, my heart and my body!
A lot can be said for time. Time heals a lot of problems. If I had the same week a few months ago I would have been running towards heroin. I feel empowered in a sense by conquering these bad times and not just giving up like I would have done originally. So, I guess even though I am facing new obstacles in my life these days I am definitely handling them better!
Day 206 – “Jogging to the Dealer”
Monday, 18 June 2007
Day 206 – “Jogging to the Dealer”
“What’s wrong with these stupid people? They have so much energy they make me sick!” We just moan as we pass them on the way to the dealer. It’s a Saturday morning. Most people are out doing shopping, jogging, and working in the garden. We barely managed to get ourselves up from where we were lying. Every single action, every single joint movement we have to make until the heroin flows through our veins is a lifetime of agony that seems to never end.
The dealer is late. I have learned by now that the Time Zone in Nigeria must be non existent because these Nigerians don’t know the meaning of it. 5 minutes was a term they used very often and every single time it meant something else. I wanted to start crying. I prayed for strength to last the 5 minutes it was already going to take and now I had to wait another.
Sometimes it was still early. We’d call them at the weirdest hours of the morning when the craving spoke and we’d organize. Other times they refused to help us until it was light. But it was almost guaranteed that by midday we would be back at the house and most definitely high. Time flew by after that. Everything just flew by after that. We’d rent DVDs or watch SABC or we’d just lie on the couches in the living room and hours would pass.
I watched some of the Comrades Marathon yesterday and I remember last year how we laughed at all these people jogging the whole day. Of course, we were most probably past out for most of it. This year, I’m in a very different place. And watching them jogging I’d actually like to try it one day.
Hell, after what I did this past year I think I’ll take on any task and at least give a good effort. Then I’ll watch the druggies go by on their way to the dealer, tuning me: “What’s wrong with this stupid guy? Is he on something, jogging this time of morning?” And then maybe I’ll reply: “For once I am high on life. You should try it!”
Day 203 - "Ninety-nine percent"
Friday, 15 June 2007
Day 203 - "Ninety-nine percent"
I’ve got the earphones on my head and a piano solo from Titanic is booming in my ears. For this moment there is nothing else in my head. It’s just me and soothing, relaxing music slowly pushing me into a very nostalgic longing for somebody I’ve probably never met before.
I’ve always been ready to find love. I always knew that if it had to rest its feet on my porch I would welcome it with open arms because without a doubt I would be ready for it. Of course, gullible old me, pulled the short straw on many occasion and got hurt over and over again by people that weren’t as dedicated to a relationship as I was.
I recently met somebody that could potentially turn into a love interest. I didn’t really go looking for it but it happened anyway. It saddens me to say that for once I cannot give a 100% in a relationship in much the same way as all those ‘significant others’ could never give me their all. And it is not that I don’t see a future for us, it’s just me not having the strength to commit to a relationship at the moment.
Perhaps it is more than just the possible relationship. Work is really an unsure minefield at the moment. And since I’m technically looking for other work all those worries about my future employment, CVs and Jobs Interviews, Questions and right or wrong answers, takes a lot out of me.
I have come a long way from where I was 200 days ago. The old me would have jumped at the chance of being in a relationship regardless of where it landed me in a week or two. The new me – well, he is going to make sure he never relives the past few months even if that means passing on love for now!
Day 200 - "Two hundred!"
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
Day 200 - "Two hundred!"
I guess the best thing about having a blog about your recovery is you can always go back and check how you felt on a specific day or more importantly check how you progressed over time. Today I can proudly say it is Day 200 in My Heroin Recovery!
It is strange reading something I posted a while back. I put a lot of honesty and emotion in some of the posts and I can remember exactly what I felt on the day I wrote it. Guess I hope that is what other people get out of it as well – being able to relate to a topic they might not agree with or understand.
The first 50 days was a real struggle to get through compared to the speed they are flying by these days. Again, proof that I am in a much happier place in my life now. Or at least in other areas than work.
The stress levels at work is at an all time high again. The stress and uncertainty hangs in a thick cloud above us all. Everybody here, including my bosses, knows I’m aggressively looking for other work and it feels asif that complicates things even more. The excitement and eagerness to go to the office disappeared a few weeks back for a lot of people here.
Stress played a big factor in my recurring heroin take in the past. Even the last time I lapsed it was because I felt overwhelmed by the stress of the restructuring at the office and the future of my employment. This time the circumstances seem to be worse and even so I can proudly say that I will not be running towards heroin this time. Funny how much one can grow in 50 days or a 100 days or 200 days! Just imagine where I’ll be in another 200 days!
Day 199 - "To tell or not to tell!"
Monday, 11 June 2007
Day 199 - "To tell or not to tell!"
I’ve been following the blog of Travis Lane for a while now. I try not to miss an entry and always find it interesting to read. He recently revealed a secret to his new girlfriend and I guess to everybody in blogworld. She was shocked at the news and as far as I know hasn’t spoken to him since.
As I mentioned before my best friend in Pretoria and my ex also in the Pretoria area doesn’t know about my heroin addiction and recovery. It is difficult to reveal something important like this to a valued friend over the phone, so I’m waiting until I see them in August. But I am really nervous about telling them because as Travis also proved on his blog, you don’t always know how things will turn out and how people will react.
On the one hand we’ve been friends for years and we all know each other very well. Something like this should not really come between a friendship like that. On the other hand they mean too much for me to take that chance. The same question arises when I meet new people. At this very moment I have a new friend who doesn’t know about the heroin part of my life yet. I don’t really know when the best time is to reveal something like this.
Let’s face it! My lifestyle is still not that of a free man yet. I have limits, rules and curfews. I am checked up on and have to report back very often. These actions, especially for a 26 year old man, will seem very suspicious to somebody that doesn’t know my story.
I find qualities like communication and honestly very important both in friendships and in relationships. I am not a big fan of starting a friendship on a bunch of lies, deception or complete silence. Still, this is a delicate issue by any person’s assessment. Do, I tell people I meet about this part of my life when I meet them, only when we know each other much better or not at all?
Day 198 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
Sunday, 10 June 2007
Day 198 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
I woke up Friday morning at 06:30am, which is about an hour later than usual. I could do this because I had the day off. Of course, sleeping late to me means getting out of bed before 07:00am, which is very different from what it meant to me last year!
Sleeping or waking up were two very different things when I was a heroin addict. Even though most heroin addicts have insomnia, I rarely had a problem falling asleep or sleeping through the night. Sleep signaled a time where I wasn’t craving, using or withdrawing from heroin and those nights when I didn’t drink tranquilizer pills to finally get to sleep or didn’t dream of heroin were the most peaceful nights ever.
Waking up, was when the hell started again. From the moment I opened my eyes my whole body ached and I was looking for one thing – of course, heroin. On the days when I knew I was housebound and couldn’t go anywhere I just wanted to close my eyes and drift away in an endless sleep. Some days I only slept with the help of a hand full of medication. No sleeping pills seemed to help. And on the lucky days when I could leave the house it was just a countdown until I pressed the dealer’s speeddial number!
I am back to the sleeping routine I had before heroin which is usually no later than 07:00am. Even when I sleep over at a friend’s house after a late night I still wake up round about then, and sit alone for 2-3 hours before the rest of them wake up.
Quite a different way of living, I think. From wishing I could sleep eternally free from heroin, to waking up as early as possible to embrace the day. That’s what I call recovery!
Day 196 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
Friday, 8 June 2007
Day 196 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
We’ve all known since January this year that things were going to change at the office. Those that have followed the blog know that the office moved to a new premises, changed owners and that certain staff changes would be imminent. That time is upon us now!
There is ‘too much staff’ at the office at the moment, as indicated by management on a daily basis. Too much staff! For six years I haven’t taken leave because nobody else could do my job or I couldn’t take leave with my mom because nobody else could do hers. Now… we are too much staff!
Somebody at the office will probably have to go. And whether it is me or a family member or a friend – somebody will leave here with nothing! Out of everybody at the office I am the youngest and perhaps more likely to find other work. More likely however doesn’t guarantee that I will find anything.
If I weren’t still paying off a lot of my drug debt I think these events would be less of a problem. I have learned to live on the minimum amount of money since my heroin addiction and must say I surprised myself at how well I’ve been doing that. Still, I need a steady income to keep the ‘credit departments’ away!
My job seeking has now forcibly turned up a notch from casually keeping an ear on the ground for available positions to aggressive searching for new employment. And whether I think I’m clever or cute or a hard worker there are a few things hindering my job seeking.
I might be a fast learner or eager to expand my knowledge but since school drugs seemed to be my homework and I never furthered my qualifications. I was in an accident early on this year and my car was written off, which means I don’t have my own transport. And of course, the ever lingering heroin addiction which is still widely known in certain circles.
Perhaps it is a good idea to hand in my blog with my CV – maybe that will help!
Day 193 - "Free to be Me!"
Day 193 - "Free to be Me!"
One of my friends invited me to go away for the weekend at the end of the month – to
At the moment I still have to ask my parents if I as much as want to go to the shop around the corner, so I figured that going away to Cape Town for a weekend would most certainly warrant some mention and would probably raise concerns. I was really surprised that all my worry about asking them was really needless in the end when they agreed without argument.
The plane tickets have been bought, the car has been rented, so I guess it is really official. There is no turning back now. I can’t wait to see
I want to live a normal life again, perhaps live a normal life for the very first time in my life. I want to be free… free from longing, wanting or taking drugs. And this trip marks a lot of that for me. It is not so much about me actually going – it is about being trusted enough to let me go, to be liked enough for me to be invited and to feel comfortable enough inside to actually do it!
Day 188 - "Behind door number 3"
Thursday, 31 May 2007
Day 188 - "Behind door number 3"
The father of one of the people that work with me passed away this morning. His wife (her mother) passed away last year about this time, and since then his health and mind has been slowly fading and fading. He has basically been eating away at the highly regarded image his children and family had of him before all of this started. So, when we got the news this morning some people were thinking perhaps it is better this way.
The subject is debatable and I’m sure anybody can come up with positive or negatives points to support the issue. My focus today is obviously more towards addicts.
Through my time as a heroin addict most hoped I would ‘see the light’ and kick the habit. And even though at times it looked as if it would be my fate forever, most knew deep down inside I would eventually conquer the daemon. But there are a lot of heroin addicts out there of whom we cannot make this positive assessment. Some will try but they will fail continuously until the day heroin finally wins in death. These people will slowly poison themselves and their families destroying the relationship they once had, causing restless nights and unbearable days.
I’d like to think I am a good example that people can change and that heroin doesn’t need to be victorious in ones life. Regrettably, not everybody is that lucky. So, the question is… when is enough, enough? When do you give up hoping? When do you give up caring? When do you reach the point where death is the better option?
Day 186 - "Recurring Compulsion"
Tuesday, 29 May 2007
Day 186 - "Recurring Compulsion"
The subject of addiction came up the office yesterday. I don’t know if I have specifically mentioned this before, but I do not smoke. Even though I have had a cigarette or two, but in my lifetime probably not finished three, this is probably the one thing that I haven’t gotten addicted to.
Almost everything that I have undertaken in my life has led to unhealthy abuse and overdoing. From drinking to gambling to all kinds of drugs. I get offered a cigarette very often, especially by people that know my heroin history and when I turn it down I have to smile at the amazement in their eyes. How can a heroin addict not have been a smoker?
I must honestly say that I am very glad I am and have never been a smoker. Seeing how a lot of people ‘need’ their cigarettes on a daily basis reminds me too much of a life of dependence.
Even coffee came up as a major addiction in the office, especially now in the winter months. I usually need my cup of caffeine, preferably two by the time I’m at the office, before I face the world. It reminds me a lot of my life in 2006. Every morning when I opened my eyes the very first thought that popped in was: I am hurting, I want heroin. Every single second I spent in the house was a count down until I could phone the dealer. And getting my daily fix wasn’t something I needed before I could face the world; it was a necessity to face life.
So, I’ll drink my cup of coffee in the mornings and on a bad morning, maybe six. I’ll know that it is a small addiction and probably a little unhealthy. But I won’t be counting the seconds until I leave the house. I won’t be phoning the dealer as soon as I exit. I won’t be addicted to heroin!
Day 185 - "Fighting Viciously"
Monday, 28 May 2007
Day 185 - "Fighting Viciously"
On Wednesday that passed I was in recovery 6 months. And although it still feels like yesterday that ‘heroin addict’ was an appropriate description for me, it also feels like years have passed since then. I remember sitting at this exact same spot, typing on the same computer and every word that appeared on the screen I wrote with hope that I would beat it, and with every line that I finished the doubt started setting in. To imagine a time back then where I was no longer a heroin addict – seemed nearly impossible.
A lot of things have changed since then, not only in my personal life, but in my work life. Although it is not something I am actively doing at the moment or pursuing viciously I have started to submit my CV to a few places. I love my job very much and for more than 6 years I have been very happy with the company I am at. But in all due respect to my bosses, in the end it is still a dead-end job. I am not earning a lot of money and there is no chance of working myself into a higher position with more pay.
I realize perhaps now, after inspecting the state of my life, more than ever that I need to look after myself. I need to make sure I have a future somewhere. One of the places I have sent my CV is in Johannesburg/Pretoria which raised a whole other series of problems and questions. The most important one really is whether I’d be ready to move away from home and somewhere on my own. And that is a very difficult one to answer!
Six months, although to me a huge achievement, is not very long in recovery. Then again when will be long enough. I don’t know if that longing for heroin inside will ever go away. I have surprised myself and a whole lot of other people with how well I’ve been doing the past few months. I think I’ve shown a lot of strength, even if I say so myself. So, I know one thing for sure. I will not let heroin into my life again without a hell of a fight!
Day 182 - "Alternate Communication"
Friday, 25 May 2007
Day 182 - "Alternate Communication"
It has been just over 6 months now since I chased heroin out of my life in the hope to live a normal life again. Half a year spent trying to undo the damage that years has caused in my life.
Things are going great. I am really optimistic about my days and the constant fear of a possible mishap doesn’t hover in my mind like it used to. I can’t ask for anything more.
Changing the blog a few weeks back turned out to be a very good choice. Since then people have urged me to go to schools and talk to kids and stuff. This is something I don’t nearly feel comfortable with yet. In all fairness I am still fighting my own fight – I can hardly fight anybody elses. But I do hope that even though my blogging is not daily anymore that you still read it and find something to learn from it.
My ex and I have been communicating for a few weeks now over the phone (SMS, MMS and MXIt) and on Saturday after the rugby match was the first time we spoke in 2 years. The purpose of the call, of course, was to rubb my nose in the fact that the sharks lost. In those few minutes of long awaited audio I remembered so much of the good times we had together. It is strange that when the good times are so good, you tend to forget about how bad the bad times were.
I spoke to a friend yesterday. He is about the closest thing I’ve got to a best friend. We’ve been friends for ages, since he was at school. He was out of the country for a while and then came back and moved to Pretoria. I realized last night that I haven’t mentioned anything about heroin to him since this started or ended. In fact, thinking about it now, even my ex is oblivious to the topic.
And it is not that I don’t want to tell them. Afterall, it has been an honest subject over the past few months. It’s just, that they mean too much to me for them to hear it over a phone or even read it in a blog.
