Day 178 - "The day I got an itch!"

Monday, 21 May 2007
Day 178 - "The day I got an itch!"

I remember the first time I started withdrawing from heroin, like it was yesterday. It started much the same as all the other times would. The first time I injected heroin was not even 4 days before that day – and I had already spiked more than 5 times.

I took too much the previous night. My body clearly didn’t like what I was pumping through it and I became very sick. I was nauseous the whole night and my face was as white as snow. Everytime I injected heroin I could taste it in my mouth. I could still taste it from the night before, it was all I tasted!

I slept over at a friend’s house, so most of what happened lay oblivious to my parents. Thinking back I wonder if anything would have turned out differently, had they found out that day. I had to go to work and calling in sick had never been in option in my time there. Starting now would never be accepted. I cleaned up as best I could and went to the office. As the day progressed I looked worse and got sicker. They finally sent me home. I imagine that day already raised some warning flags, but my manipulating would start then, only to be perfected over time.

I felt much better the following day. I could keep food down again but I could hardly walk. My whole body had this numbness to it that I had never felt before. I just wanted to lie down, close my eyes and forget! Of course being sick a second day at the office would be a dead give away that something serious was wrong – so my acting performance began. Today I would act like a normal human being, full of energy, full of life – not sick, not withdrawing – no heroin!

My legs started paining, or it was more of an itch back then really. An itch deep down inside in your bones where you could never scratch. No matter how I stood, how I lay, how I sat, how I tried to sleep – it was there, itching, paining. Every day I woke up hoping it would be gone and every day it was still there, reminding me I took heroin. I woke up one morning and that relentless throbbing in my legs had vanished.

That very same night I met up with my friends again. I wish to this day I can remember the thoughts in my head because that day would prove to change my life forever. I remember the night, the venue, the people there with me. But for the life of me I cannot remember why! I took heroin again that night and the day after that and the day after that. It started an endless sequence of events that would continue day after day after day. My itch would eventually grow into a pain and in the end into flesh-tearing agony that would never go away.

Thinking back today I realize I spent most of last year sick or withdrawing. The whole year was one big fight to stay healthy and kick the habit. As the seasons change people around me are getting sick and I can feel my fragile immune system still fighting to stay healthy. And the thing is, how terrible I might feel if I should catch something now, I am eternally grateful it will not be a year of withdrawing again!