Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Day 180 - "Ibogaine"
A while back I asked people to send me their experiences with a treatment called Ibogaine. I first heard of Ibogaine through a friend of mine, after he saw an Interview of it on Carte Blanche. At the time I was still pretty deep into the addiction and every morning I woke up I realized it was only getting harder. There was finally something that could possibly help me quit.
A while back I asked people to send me their experiences with a treatment called Ibogaine. I first heard of Ibogaine through a friend of mine, after he saw an Interview of it on Carte Blanche. At the time I was still pretty deep into the addiction and every morning I woke up I realized it was only getting harder. There was finally something that could possibly help me quit.
The treatment is quite expensive, but then again, you can’t really put a price on somebody’s life. Somehow, asking for more money from my parents, after all I had already taken from them – seemed inappropriate. But I don’t doubt that they would have helped me. In fact, they offered many times.
My friend, was much worse off than I was. Some days you could see his body was on the verge of just giving up the fight. I spent so many nights worrying about whether or not he was going to make it – and realizing it would also be my fate unless I stopped. He went to the Centre in Kempton Park in the hope that this would be his miracle cure.
From the e-mails I received the treatment was, very appropriately, described as ‘either the WORST or BEST Acid Trip’. Having taken Acid myself on too many occasions to remember I know it can be a delightful experience or a nightmare. To my friend, it was a nightmare, but an e-mail I got described it as ‘FUCKING AMAZING’. I guess it goes to show every person reacts to it differently.
In a nut-shell it is a treatment that leaves you without the withdrawals or cravings that normally go with heroin recovery. And as bad as my friend found the ‘trip’ he did come back with what seemed like a new lust for life. I really believed that heroin would never be part of his life again. But getting off heroin isn’t as easy as 1, 2, 3, even with a miracle cure. Regrettably, my friend relapsed within a few weeks. This still happens to a lot of the people, even those coming from the Ibogaine treatment.
Now, I’ve never been there so I can’t really comment from personal experience. All I can say is to me recovery was hell to go through. Most addicts will give up trying before they even get close to ever being ‘normal’ again. And it sounds like Ibogaine is the best fighting tool they have at the moment. It is apparently also effective on coke, ecstasy, cat and even alcohol.
Wonder treatment or not, the fact remains that unless you want to be helped, want to stop, want to live a normal life again – you’ll end back with heroin in your arms every time!
You can check out the SA website on Ibogaine. This might just be the thing that saves your life.
Day 180 - "Ibogaine"
Day 179 - "Nothing"
Tuesday, 22 May 2007
Day 179 - "Nothing"
Since putting my e-mail address on the blog I’ve received a few more e-mails than usual of people telling me their own stories. It is shocking to hear how many in this country and abroad have similar problems themselves or with their loved ones. But there were two stories that really stood out.
What can you really do to help an addict? I asked myself this question for most of last week, trying to solve it for myself and somebody else. I know, better than most will ever understand, the hold that drugs can have on your life. Even those that use drugs but aren’t addicts will not grasp the grip of it on your mind, your body and your life. But whether you are an addict or a casual user, one thing will remain the same – you must want to stop!
So, how do you as a father or a mother, brother, sister or friend help a person that doesn’t want to be helped? And believe me, that happens. I convinced myself for months I wanted to stop, I wanted to get better but I lied to myself and to those around me. Deep down inside I still wanted to take, I still needed it and I still wanted it. No matter what anybody did, where they sent me or for how long – I would still fall back until I really wanted to stop.
I wish there was this miracle cure I could magically reveal. This potent phrase you could say that would make somebody see the light. I wish that I could tell you to follow my every step and that would be the path to get over it… but it isn’t as simple as that! I think to myself, if I had kids (even with the knowledge I have now) and I found out they were using heroin and that they weren’t ready to stop. What could I do? What could I say? And the answer…?
Nothing! Doesn’t that just make you feel so helpless. That must be what my parents felt like all those months – helpless! Going through every single day seeing their child slowly die and having no real action to take against it. Nothing!
Day 178 - "The day I got an itch!"
Monday, 21 May 2007
Day 178 - "The day I got an itch!"
I remember the first time I started withdrawing from heroin, like it was yesterday. It started much the same as all the other times would. The first time I injected heroin was not even 4 days before that day – and I had already spiked more than 5 times.
I took too much the previous night. My body clearly didn’t like what I was pumping through it and I became very sick. I was nauseous the whole night and my face was as white as snow. Everytime I injected heroin I could taste it in my mouth. I could still taste it from the night before, it was all I tasted!
I slept over at a friend’s house, so most of what happened lay oblivious to my parents. Thinking back I wonder if anything would have turned out differently, had they found out that day. I had to go to work and calling in sick had never been in option in my time there. Starting now would never be accepted. I cleaned up as best I could and went to the office. As the day progressed I looked worse and got sicker. They finally sent me home. I imagine that day already raised some warning flags, but my manipulating would start then, only to be perfected over time.
I felt much better the following day. I could keep food down again but I could hardly walk. My whole body had this numbness to it that I had never felt before. I just wanted to lie down, close my eyes and forget! Of course being sick a second day at the office would be a dead give away that something serious was wrong – so my acting performance began. Today I would act like a normal human being, full of energy, full of life – not sick, not withdrawing – no heroin!
My legs started paining, or it was more of an itch back then really. An itch deep down inside in your bones where you could never scratch. No matter how I stood, how I lay, how I sat, how I tried to sleep – it was there, itching, paining. Every day I woke up hoping it would be gone and every day it was still there, reminding me I took heroin. I woke up one morning and that relentless throbbing in my legs had vanished.
That very same night I met up with my friends again. I wish to this day I can remember the thoughts in my head because that day would prove to change my life forever. I remember the night, the venue, the people there with me. But for the life of me I cannot remember why! I took heroin again that night and the day after that and the day after that. It started an endless sequence of events that would continue day after day after day. My itch would eventually grow into a pain and in the end into flesh-tearing agony that would never go away.
Thinking back today I realize I spent most of last year sick or withdrawing. The whole year was one big fight to stay healthy and kick the habit. As the seasons change people around me are getting sick and I can feel my fragile immune system still fighting to stay healthy. And the thing is, how terrible I might feel if I should catch something now, I am eternally grateful it will not be a year of withdrawing again!
Day 174 - "You're on candid camera!"
Thursday, 17 May 2007
Day 174 - "You’re on candid camera!"
I have been staying over at a friend’s house this past week. You all remember that I stayed with ‘ThisIsMe’ a few weeks back while her ‘better other’ was out of town. This week ‘ThisIsMe’ is out of town and her ‘better other’ and I are ‘looking after each other’.
They both stay a few kilometers out of town in a flat on a plot. Their landlord is an old friend of my dad who used to work with him. Last night, their landlord absolutely does the unthinkable…
He phones my dad and tells him, that he has got me, Christiaan, with him at one of the local clubs in Polokwane and I am wasted (like totally drunk of my rocker). My dad, after hearing the news, is apparently furious and ready to come and pick me up and I imagine never letting me see sunlight again. I can only imagine the expression on their faces last night.
Luckily he tells my dad he joked, before my dad storms out of the house. Probably not the best joke to make to the parents of a recovering heroin addict, but in his defense he doesn’t really know the story. The more I think about it, my parents probably skip a beat everytime that phone rings and I am not there. They’ve had their fare share of phone calls (from myself, friends and the police) revealing yet another stupid thing I’ve done. And for somebody to phone and actually make such a joke probably wasn’t something they wanted to hear.
While I normally don’t drink (that much) anymore or spend time (to often) in clubs – I am still very happy that I didn’t do any of that last night. We can all joke about it today, just relieved that is not my life anymore and for once it is not true anymore.
Day 173 - "The Blog Times"
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
Day 173 - "The Blog Times"
My mom and dad started reading my blog this week. Up to now, nobody in the house has read any of the blog entries. And I totally understand why. They don’t need a blog to tell them what they have been living through the past few months. They were there, they saw first hand what I was going through and they themselves experienced what it did to their own lives. No blog… no grouping of carefully picked words can even touch on the pain and despair, hurt and anger that sometimes lay in the house.
I knew that there would come a time where they probably would feel comfortable enough to experience some of it again. I was pleasantly surprised to hear they started reading it and they even suggested my brother start reading it as well. Even though I figured they would eventually be reading it, I think I was pretty honest with my feelings on those days, regardless of how they might be perceived when read in the future.
Most of the people at the office are also now reading the blog. I send the entries to their e-mail a few days after it has been posted. Deciding not to give them the online blog address was a very conscious decision. Since I share my feelings very openly I didn’t want people at the office to know daily exactly how I feel and this while sitting in the same office as me.
The purpose of this blog was always to be shared with anybody and everybody. I have not been proud of some of the things I have done and mentioned here, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I wonder how many people would let their family members or co-workers take a daily peek at their blogs?
Day 167 - "How to save a life"
Thursday, 10 May 2007
Day 167 - "How to save a life"
The following was written by a friend and published in a local newspaper called the “Informant” in Polokwane a few weeks back.
“I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life…” The popular lyrics of The Fray’s song “How to save a life” have been high on International music charts since 2006 and as a result been sung by many adolescence all over South Africa. The song was written by Isaac Slade, lead singer of the band The Fray, based on his experience with a young boy during his work as a mentor at a camp for troubled teens. The song suggests how one should approach a drug addict in the aim to save their life and has woken a tragic realization in many young and old South Africans. Drug abuse is a growing problem all over the world, even in our home town of Polokwane.
According to Captain Seabi of the Polokwane Police, the youth are by far the biggest offenders when it comes to drug abuse related arrests. Ndo Mamgala, the spokesperson for education in Polokwane adds that the drug problem is not only found amongst our youth but even extends to some teachers in schools: “There have been incidents where teachers abuse alcohol and remain absent from school for days as a result.” In an event to curb this problem officials then insist these teachers go to rehabilitation centres and if these do not help they have been forced to dismiss them. While some teachers are drug abusers themselves there are many more who make an effort to control and prevent drug abuse in schools.
A well known teacher at Pepps Polokwane has said that “since Pepps is such a small school, teachers are able to keep a close eye on the students and therefore prevent the development of drug abuse by inflicting punishment in its early stages.” As a result, two children were suspended from the school after being caught smoking cigarettes. There are fortunately, many institutions in Polokwane who make an effort to prevent and control drug abuse but not everyone can be helped by their efforts alone. As inhabitants of Polokwane, we all know someone who is abusing drugs whether it be a friend, a friend of a friend or even ourselves. What then can you do to help prevent and stop this epidemic from savagely stealing lives? How can you save a life?
In attempting to answer this question, Mrs Riette van der Linde, the director of the Far North alcohol and drug rehabilitation centre in Polokwane, has described a typical step by step progression in an addicts life based on her experience working with young users: At first the user makes a decision to stop abusing drugs and proceeds to face a very difficult process of withdrawal. What keeps this person from relapsing and proceeding to carry on with their drug abuse is the support and praise from his or her family and friends. After experiencing days of pain and resisting the ever-growing cravings, the addict admirably manages to stay clean and the parents and friends trust they will never return to their old habits. As a result the parents and friends no longer feel the need to praise and support this person as much as they believe that the battle is over, but they are wrong. Steve Hamilton, a recovering drug addict who often gives motivational speeches in local schools wrote the following shocking truth in his book I want my life back: “One thing I remember about addiction is that it’s a progressive disease. It will ravage you physically as well as mentally and it won’t simply stop when you stop drugging…Even if you stop drugging, you still have the disease. You’re still an addict.” With loss of support and praise the addict will then often fall back into his or her old habits which often leads to an inevitable death. What can you do to prevent this? How can you save a life? There is no clear answer to this difficult question but there have been many who have found a way to overcome this battle. One of these people is a local boy who replaced his bad habit with a good one…blogging.
This young man gave us some insight into how he is managing to stay clean of drugs, “This struggle of mine has been going on for the past year. I only recently found these blogs and have found amazing comfort in sharing my thoughts and feelings while I try and recover. The support I have out there, mostly in people I have never met gives me strength to try my best every day. I will always stay an addict, but at least now I’m a Recovering Heroin Addict.” This man has written daily, detailed entries on his site since the 24th of November 2006. He describes the daily battle of withdrawal he goes through, he speaks of shocking drug and dealer experiences and then people comment on his entries and in turn give him the support he needs to recover. He is truly admirable for overcoming all he has thus far and he can serve as an inspiration for all who are facing the same battle, as he says: “I read the comments on my blogs throughout the day and they, more than anything else, give me the strength to continue with my recovery. I have used alcohol, dagga, ecstasy, acid, cocaine, kat, crack, pinks and heroin (take a breath) and only realize now that I am an addict and will never have control over any of it. Although this realization comes presumably a bit late in my life, I believe it is never too late to make the change and stop this cycle!”
Day 166 - "2 cents"
Wednesday, 9 May 2007
Day 166 - "2 cents"
Hey kiddies… its me…
I’ve haven’t blogged in 2 days and it feels like I’ve been gone for 2 weeks. I still wake up in the mornings and it feels like I’m missing something big in my life. My first instinct is to go to the computer and write.
I broke the news on Monday that I would be ‘cooling down’ with the blogging and not blog daily as I have done over the past 5 months. It was much better received than I anticipated and I realized just once again how many ‘friends’ I have here supporting me. You are all great and I thank you for your continued support through this.
As you can see, weeks hasn’t passed since I’ve made another entry, as some of you feared.. I’m still around here reading blogs every day and trying to comment a bit more than I used to.
Our computers are the office have been acting up since yesterday. One after the other, the weird problem after the other pops up. As the resident IT-Guy, on top of my normal office duties, I am kept quite busy trying to get them working again – without BASHING THEM!
The new building we moved into in February gets very cold in the winter. My legs are sore right into the bone from the cold and my feet feels like huge ice blocks. This is still a side affect of my heroin use, but still a huge improvement from the pain earlier on in the year.
And as far as friends or love goes… my ex and I are communicating, trying to get to know each other again after almost 2 years apart. This is a really interesting exercise and I’ll keep you up to date on the progress I make in that department. At the moment it is more of a long-distance-friendship – and I’m approaching it as that to be safe.
That’s my 2 cents for the day. Enjoy the rest of your day and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do – or at least take pictures!
Day 164 - "The time is nigh"
Monday, 7 May 2007
Day 164 - "The time is nigh"
The time has come! After more than a 160 blogging days in My Heroin Recovery, I am finally doing it. I am sort-of saying Good-Bye to daily blogging!
I have since starting this blog, blogged almost everyday to give you an account of my emotions and feelings on a daily basis. And this was one of my most helpful fighting tools in getting my life back. I am saying Good-bye, but not to blogging entirely!
After much consideration this weekend I have decided that daily blogging isn’t the right thing to do anymore. Instead of writing when I have something to say or when something happens in my life, I have almost forced myself to feel or to relive moments in the past I probably wasn’t ready to share yet – all so that I could write something everyday. Does that make sense to you at all?
Blogging has become part of my daily routine just as waking up or brushing my teeth is and I will miss that part. This doesn’t mean that I’ll disappear for weeks and weeks without updating you – just a chance really to blog whenever I want to or not when I don’t want to.
Even so, I wouldn’t have done it any differently up to now and I would recommend it to anybody. It has been one of the major reasons I have handled this recovery so well. Thank you to the people reading, learning and giving advise. To the people urging me on, helping me through the bad days and sharing my happiness on the good ones. I am very confident that this move will help me even more!
Day 161 - "Week in Review 0405"
Friday, 4 May 2007
Day 161 / 85 – "Week in Review 0405"
Well, good mood or bad mood – all is still going well. My ‘vacation day’ I was supposed to take last week didn’t happen because we were too busy at the office. It really came as no surprise, it always seems to happen. I don’t take the day and it keeps getting postponed until I eventually cancel it. We’ll try again next week!
My dad is in Zimbabwe this week, which leaved us with one less car than usual. So, making any plans that involves me going out must be carefully planned. He is coming back in a day or two, then hopefully things will return to normal.
Our office got ‘Office Busted’ by Jacaranda FM in Limpopo this week. It was a real surprise. Some of the ladies at the office entered my mom, who didn’t know a thing. Infact, she is so busy she rarely gets time to listen to the radio – and hardly knew what an ‘Office Bust’ was. She was totally caught off guard and was less than pleased that I didn’t at least warn her. Still an experience to tell… uhm… the grandkids one day!
I really had a lot of fun with my friends on Monday and Tuesday and even met a few new people. We had one hilarious breakfast on Tuesday morning. I was just glad to be out of the house. This weekend is either going to be dead quiet or totally hectic – we’ll have to see – but I promise to share the juicy details next week.
Enjoy the weekend and don’t do anything I’m not already recovering from!
Day 160 - "Explaining my contemplation"
Thursday, 3 May 2007
Day 160 / 84 – "Explaining my contemplation"
I have never been a suicidal person. Depressed? Yes! But I only have myself and ecstasy to blame for that. In my life I have thought about suicide a lot. Ironically, most of those times were after I stopped taking heroin.
Heroin suppresses your nervous system, so you don’t give a damn. Your emotions, feelings, mind – nothing is what they should be. So, it’s a vicious circle really of wanting more and more. You don’t really care who you hurt or steal from – all you know is, you want more. You start not caring and soon you are hooked in a cycle with little conscious conscience to stop you from doing it.
In much the same way you don’t care what it is has done to your life, to your family, to your friends and to your body. When you stop taking heroin your mind clears up and the reality of things hits you. The emotions you were supposed to feel when your friend died. Those regrets you were supposed to feel when you stole. The shame you were supposed to feel over what you did with your life, to your parent’s life, to your brother’s life… it all comes crashing down on you at one time.
And, naturally in that time addicts return to heroin to avoid the mountain of guilt and regret coming towards them like a Formula One Car. After I stopped taking heroin, I got good days and bad ones. Strangely enough the bad ones are the safe ones. There is a certain fighting instinct that kicks in, that tells you, that you can do it. You have to do it and tomorrow everything will be better again. And you believe it.
But it is the good days and the better days that frighten me the most. It is in that time that your mind doesn’t react on instinct anymore. It reacts on fear, on desperation, on loss of hope. It sees the bad days you’ve had and it knows you’ll have them again. The vicious circle will rollercoaster you up and down on a route you’ll know by heart. Now, I’m not planning suicide. I’m just saying if it should ever happen to me, it probably won’t happen BECAUSE I did something stupid. It will happen BEFORE I do it AGAIN!
Day 159 - "Swallowing my contemplation"
Wednesday, 2 May 2007
Day 159 / 83 – "Swallowing my contemplation"
This was written a while back and not necessarily an indication of my mood today. More on this to follow tomorrow!
Today is the day! Countless nights I have found myself in this exact position. This pen, this paper, this table are all my companions when I am bored again with this life. They are the witnesses to these thoughts and actions that are only held back my misguided dream of a brighter tomorrow: A future that holds something better.
I am tired of these ideas of reality, popularity, normalness that seems to be so acceptable. Somehow I never seem to fall in any of them. I am a social outcast or perhaps not even that at all. Perhaps only trapped by my social acquaintances or my lack thereof. My life, my health, my paranoia, depression, sexuality and you ask a reason? In the end, really, it’s all a draw to what it could be.
Tonight is the night! The night I face the daemons that have been growing inside of me. I try to fight them but they smell my fear. They saw the end was coming and they are racing to welcome it. They are the ones sitting at the table playing chess with the Reaper. I fight them with the only weapon I have. I kill them the only method I know how – I kill me.
I grab these pills, these deadly pills, these… blurry pills which just a short while ago was so clear to me. As clear as my mission, my future, my destiny that now lies swallowed, blurred. I grab some more. They are all part of the mission now. They lost their individuality when I swallowed them, their friends, their mates, the ones that are just like them - all of them lost. I swallowed them and for this brief moment while they are crawling down my throat they are who I am, they are where I am. I win this battle because they are here, I swallowed them.
Don’t worry I won’t be around to bother you much longer. You won’t have to hate me, dislike me or just accept me. This star acting role to spare my feelings has reached its final scene. The credits are rolling, awards being lined up, the music ending, fat lady singing. No, she screams. She walks out of the movie and in a few minutes she won’t care to remember a thing.
Today is the day! Today is the day I look in the mirror and I see the person I was meant to be. I hold my head high and smile because I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. Today I don’t care about these petty problems, this social exile, and this sole less existence. I am unique. I am me. Today I can face these problems because today they are gone.
Ironically it is today that I realize what no today could ever resolve – tomorrow my problems will all be back again.
Day 157 - "A change is as good."
Monday, 30 April 2007
Day 157 / 81 – "A change is as good…"
Last week saw a change in the blog again. There have been changes every 50 days or so to the blog and this time I’ve gone big (I think). I hope you like it because it’s really growing on me. Hopefully the blog editors will have added widgets or personalized templates before the next 50 days has passed and we can all be more creative.
The theme and look of the blog is not all I’m hoping to change. Some of you, including me, still find the blog a bit too serious, depressing and heroin-based at times. I remind you that this is a blog about ‘My Heroin Recovery’ and those items are ‘part of the package’. Even so, I will be trying to lighten the mood a bit in the hope to also keep a positive attitude in my life.
Last week was a quiet week of blogging for me. As you know, I spend the week with ‘ThisIsMe’, while her ‘better other’ was out of town. As you might have read on her blog – they forgot to pay the internet – so nobody could really blog. That reminds me, I have to pay my internet account today!
Staying with ‘ThisIsMe’ was actually really fun. Besides roosters waking me in the wee hours of the morning, I really enjoyed the experience of sort of being on my own again. I felt like a grown-up again and not like a little baby who had to be watched and whose every move was questioned.
I also hope that the few days showed my parents that I am responsible and trustworthy again. If I wanted to, I could have gone bonkers over the few days I was gone and they wouldn’t have known a thing. Hopefully that will still count for something in the future.
Had work not taken the route it had on Tuesday, I think the week would have been superb. As you know I described Tuesday last week as ‘a disaster’, which was really putting it lightly. I’m left with more stress and complications than I would have liked at this time. The important thing is - I didn’t take heroin. With all the changes in my life – at least that is still saying the same!
Day 153 - Day 156
Thursday, 26 April 2007 - Day 153/77
Friday, 27 April 2007 - Day 154/78
Saturday, 28 April 2007 - Day 155/79
Sunday, 29 April 2007 - Day 156/80
Day 152 - "Changing Faces"
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
Day 152 / 76 - "Changing Faces"
In what has become almost tradition every 50 days, the blog has undergone a facelift/change. Hope you like it.
‘My Heroin Recovery’ will return on Monday, 30 April 2007
Day 151 - "No Subject"
Tuesday, 24 April 2007
Day 151 / 75 - "No Subject"
My good mood was unfortunately not in sight today. The day at the office can only be described as a ‘disaster’ with lots of meetings and unpleasant news. My mind feels like a big balloon full of nothing. Because of this, I am not making a blog entry today or tomorrow… I’ll be back on Monday morning!
