"Until I die (Part 2)"

Thursday, 13 March 2008
Current Recovery - "Until I die (Part 2)"


Continues from Part 1…


It was finally happening. After so many times of thinking it I was killing myself.

Something hit me, like Fred Flinstone clobbering me with a piece of wood, if I do this now… who was going to find me? My brother was in the next room, my parents were away, nobody else was there. If I continue this, my brother, whose life had been disrupted by this so much already, was going to find me. How could I even dare also doing this to him?

Fred hit some sense into me. I suddenly remembered why I haven’t slit my wrists yet, why I haven’t drank a bottle of pills, ran in front of a car or just pulled a gun and shot myself – I was too afraid to die. I didn’t want to die. Even when, quite ironically, I was slowly killing myself with heroin, I didn’t want to die. Not now! Not this way!

There is no sure way to get yourself out of that situation. I was on the verge of overdosing but I had a few tricks up my sleeve to at least get my heart rate up again. I am not one that usually remembers my dreams but I know I had a dream about getting heroin that night. I knew, even in that state of sleep, that my first action the next morning would be to score heroin again!

Nothing changed… at least that is the way it seemed!


Part 3 continues...