Day 306 – “Triggers (Part 3)”

My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 26 September 2007)
Day 306 – “Triggers (Part 3)” (PRE-WRITTEN)

I got the heroin from the dealer, purchased the needles and prepared it. The sequence of events was so familiar and, unfortunate to say, exciting. I know that in that short time millions of warnings went through my head. I knew better, I had months and months of better and I was about to end it all, but I couldn’t stop myself from going through with it.

The needle entered my arm and I threw myself in a hole I wouldn’t be able to get out of. For weeks and weeks after that day I used or tried to stop. It was like I went to bed last night a heroin addict and today I was just the same, nothing had changed. The past months of trying desperately to stay clean lay momentarily forgotten. I was in a vicious cycle of taking. I couldn’t stop… and the worst thing was that part of me didn’t want to stop!

I was really nervous when I saw my parents the night because they’ve become experts on seeing when I was high on heroin. They had to become experts to try and help me. They probably noticed something different about me but the changes were so subtle that they didn’t question it. I was trying my utmost best to try and hide it from them, if they noticed anything perhaps none of it would have happened.

Looking back at that day I remember the two previous times I had lapses. They noticed it almost immediately and because of their guard being up I didn’t continue taking. It dawns on me now, that the seemingly strong recovery from those lapses where I miraculously only used once – were only because I was stopped from taking a second time!

This time nobody was there to stop me. It still frightens me thinking that if I stayed on my own – this might still have continued at this very moment! Can I ever stay on my own then, I ask myself? Can I ever be responsible enough not to slowly kill myself?

(Triggers concludes tomorrow…)