Day 366 – “All I want for Christmas”

Current Recovery (Sunday, 25 November 2007)
Day 366 – “All I want for Christmas”

It is Sunday - a month before Christmas. I have ruined yet another weekend for my family. I don’t need to give much detail, since we all know my repetious destructive cycle off by heart by now. My million too many chances are up. I will discuss more about this and my decision regarding rehab during the week.

I have been slowly moving away from my friends and family into my own little secluded corner. Heroin is definitely not a drug that you take with a bunch of people unlike ecstasy or cocaine which is usually at its best the more people you have around you. I spent last night with my two best friends, more company than I've had in weeks. They met each other through one of my famous parties (in the time when we still had them). The parties were normally something many people looked forward to every year and of course had their share of brilliant music, many unknown and uninvited faces, alcohol and of course other substances. For a very long time “having fun” was something I couldn’t do without drugs. Right now I’ll just settle for “feeling normal”.

After talking to my friends last night I realized just how much this has affected them, even with my slow recoil into darkness. They have stood by me through all of this last time and this time but unsurprisingly their patience is now wearing very thin. And even though I truly admire and appreciate their dedicated friendship it is the support and patience of my parents that I find nothing short of a miracle.

My friends, I think, at the worst of times only get a fraction of what is really going on. My family however is living with it in their faces day by day, they feel the full extend of it and still they've found ways to help me through it.

All I keep thinking is how this all should have gone down differently. My mother’s birthday last month and mine at the end of it. My new life with my new job and new boyfriend. This celebration of a year in recovery and even the Christmas celebration – it all should have been so different. We won’t be doing much regarding presents this year and even though slightly cliché, I know that the biggest gift I can give anybody close to me or even myself is just getting clean again.