Current Recovery (Thursday, 29 November 2007)
Day 370 – “The last road”
I have always seen it as a last resort. When all other avenues have been exhausted… then… and only then do we venture on this forbidden road. I mean, addicts go to Rehabs right. Oh ye… now I remember. I am one!
I have had to make peace with the fact that most alternate roads have already been traveled. In fact I left those roads in an awful state with vandalized road signs, fainting paint and huge pot holes. Rehab is one of the last remaining ones.
So, obviously I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. If I am honest with myself I have to admit that I need professional help in some way or form. Even with my remarkable recovery the first time around, I spent my fair share in depressing depths. I always figured I would see somebody professional when I’m back on my feet financially. Unfortunately this latest drug binge left me in a very bad way with many financial institutions and I don’t see that happening soon.
Even before my heroin addiction I have always made it a point never to just miss work for any reason. I rarely take holidays and I rarely stay home sick. Even with my recovery last time I didn’t miss one day of work to stay at home and recover. I had a heroin addict friend who constantly took off from work always with some kind of excuse, usually he was at home withdrawing from heroin. In the end he quit his job and went to rehab. Unfortunately he came back only to start the habit again and he hasn’t been able to keep a job since.
I have seriously considered rehab or something similar but I feel very strong about this one thing. I can’t just quit my job. My job is very important to me and it is one of the few things keeping me from totally losing my mind. There is also a new project starting in 2008 which I might be in charge off – so things are looking up in that area. And to be totally honest there is no guarantee any attempt at rehab would even work.
I have already made up my mind regarding the issue and will share it with you in due time. In the mean time however, I would love to hear your views about this if you consider what I mentioned about my job. It is always nice to get an opinion of what ‘the public’ thinks and since I regard many of you as close friends it makes your opinion all the more important.
Day 370 – “The last road”
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Hi Tristan,
no, not all 'addicts' end up going to rehab but for most it is sometimes the last option or to put it another way it is at "the end of the line". You seem (to me) to be at the end of that line.
I truly believe that (like me) you need to learn new skills like coming to understand yourself and how the way you deal with your emotions like sitting with your feelings and not avoiding them by acting impulsively and using. People who live their life with a sense of who they are and who feel good about themselves and love themselves don't use drugs. This applies to any person who acts out in a compulsive manner, whether they binge drink, shop excessively or constantly need to find comfort in the arms of another person and that's usually because they are unable to comfort themselves.
Please note that I have just described myself of I should say former self as I've learnt a new way.
The job ahead for you is to find out who Tristan is. This will only come when you open your heart and mind to looking inwards and not outwards. Courage and patience are required. Remember, it is fear that will keep you standing still. (I was scared shitless Tristan).
I understand that your job seems to be the only thing from you "losing [your] mind" but your belief that things "are looking up" is bullshit. I know that you are talking about work but whilst you are still using* then nothing is looking up.
* It doesn't matter whether you use needles to inject, swallow, snort or drink alcohol, all of these are about escaping from something painful (you may not be connected to this yet) and this is why I only refer to it as 'using'. There will be other people out there who will justify their own addictive behaviour and make themselves feel better by saying, "Well, at least I don't use heroin or needles etc".
The decision is your Tristan.
BTW - I did a search of your e-mail address and this blog came up. I have mentioned this before but I don't think it is wise to include your true name on this blog particularly because of the nature of it.
In my thoughts, Denys.
Though I've never been to rehab, my girlfriend makes a habit of it. I think she's been three times this year. She uses it as a respite as much as a cure. It can work for some, not for others, like all the various avenues available. But like NA, it can also wind up introducing you to a whole new lot of junky friends and that's probably a good thing. When you have nothing to do with other junkies, it's so much easier t stay off junk.
good luck
sam
hey um, I don't know you, and I've read your postings once or twice....I dunno. This is weird,and I'm random. My boyfriend has been using for 11 years, and.... man I don't even know like, what the hell to say about that...that he's been using for that long. But anyway, I told him once that if he kept that shit up I was goin, and he told me he would get clean and fix himself up and everything and , like you know before I even type it, he went right back to it. And so I packed my shit and left and he's all torn up and shit because I left. I know that I'm a different type of girl than he's used to. He's been with strippers and real out-there girls and I'm real straight- I go to work, I'm about to start school again. I don't use-I never have and I never will no matter how bad it gets. I stay in, I cook I clean. And we go good together whenhe's clean. We play a lot and have a lot of fun together. I like goin out and doin nice positive things with my life, so it doesn't have to be the shithole anymore that it used to be. And I know his life's been a shithole too, but that was cuz of the dope. He's doin everything right now-getting health insurance so he can get on meds, and into a program...he actually just checked himself into a detox this morning cuz he started getting that feeling, and he was scared to fall again and use. Every five minutes is "I love you I miss you I need you, with your help i can....with god's help I can... I really really want to...", the sex is out of control now, and its all the time cuz he's clean so he can keep it up now. My thing is, I dont know if all this is just to get me back, or to actually change. So, going out on a limb and assuming he's for real this time, how can I help him? Like how can i REALLY help him? How can I help him move past all the sad shitty stuff in his head, and all his guilt for fuckin up so much, and see that he still has a beautiful life to live and people who want to help? Cuz I'll do anything for that stupid little fuck, as long as it doesn't destroy me completely.