Day 27/9 - "Stupified"

Wednesday, 20 December 2006 - Day 27/9 - "Stupified"

We look at each other. No, dead pin-pointed pupils lying without blinking. No gazing eyes showing no sign of remorse. His eyes are no longer rejecting, renouncing, hurting eyes, drained and disowning eyes on the verge of giving up the fight. No, for now it is only the eyes of a father and son looking at each other.

I was caught of guard when he asked me how I’m doing. The topic is rarely discussed these days. I think that it has featured as the main topic in the household for so long that most would rather just forget. We might not talk about it, but it remains in the thoughts of us all. It hovers in the decision making and it still frightens us in our worst nightmares. Heroin is long gone but the affects will not disappear so easily.

I’ve been concentrating so much on my recovery, my surroundings, my work that I haven’t stopped to think how I’m really doing. I mean… really doing?! Am I pounding these feelings into a closet in the back of my mind in an effort to cope or am I really making progress. So… how am I doing?

I haven’t felt better in years. I don’t think I felt this good before I started taking heroin. Every little thing holds a suggestion of excitement that makes me want to hop and up down like an energizer bunny. Every monotonous thing electrified by my very first experience of everything, everyone… all over again.

It could be some of the medicine I'm still on... or maybe it is just the right time of year. Christmas and New Year is such an exciting time of year. Festive, joyous, fun and of course, the start of new beginnings!