Day 159 - "Swallowing my contemplation"

Wednesday, 2 May 2007
Day 159 / 83 – "Swallowing my contemplation"


This was written a while back and not necessarily an indication of my mood today. More on this to follow tomorrow!


Today is the day! Countless nights I have found myself in this exact position. This pen, this paper, this table are all my companions when I am bored again with this life. They are the witnesses to these thoughts and actions that are only held back my misguided dream of a brighter tomorrow: A future that holds something better.

I am tired of these ideas of reality, popularity, normalness that seems to be so acceptable. Somehow I never seem to fall in any of them. I am a social outcast or perhaps not even that at all. Perhaps only trapped by my social acquaintances or my lack thereof. My life, my health, my paranoia, depression, sexuality and you ask a reason? In the end, really, it’s all a draw to what it could be.

Tonight is the night! The night I face the daemons that have been growing inside of me. I try to fight them but they smell my fear. They saw the end was coming and they are racing to welcome it. They are the ones sitting at the table playing chess with the Reaper. I fight them with the only weapon I have. I kill them the only method I know how – I kill me.

I grab these pills, these deadly pills, these… blurry pills which just a short while ago was so clear to me. As clear as my mission, my future, my destiny that now lies swallowed, blurred. I grab some more. They are all part of the mission now. They lost their individuality when I swallowed them, their friends, their mates, the ones that are just like them - all of them lost. I swallowed them and for this brief moment while they are crawling down my throat they are who I am, they are where I am. I win this battle because they are here, I swallowed them.

Don’t worry I won’t be around to bother you much longer. You won’t have to hate me, dislike me or just accept me. This star acting role to spare my feelings has reached its final scene. The credits are rolling, awards being lined up, the music ending, fat lady singing. No, she screams. She walks out of the movie and in a few minutes she won’t care to remember a thing.

Today is the day! Today is the day I look in the mirror and I see the person I was meant to be. I hold my head high and smile because I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. Today I don’t care about these petty problems, this social exile, and this sole less existence. I am unique. I am me. Today I can face these problems because today they are gone.

Ironically it is today that I realize what no today could ever resolve – tomorrow my problems will all be back again.