Day 160 - "Explaining my contemplation"

Thursday, 3 May 2007
Day 160 / 84 – "Explaining my contemplation"

I have never been a suicidal person. Depressed? Yes! But I only have myself and ecstasy to blame for that. In my life I have thought about suicide a lot. Ironically, most of those times were after I stopped taking heroin.

Heroin suppresses your nervous system, so you don’t give a damn. Your emotions, feelings, mind – nothing is what they should be. So, it’s a vicious circle really of wanting more and more. You don’t really care who you hurt or steal from – all you know is, you want more. You start not caring and soon you are hooked in a cycle with little conscious conscience to stop you from doing it.

In much the same way you don’t care what it is has done to your life, to your family, to your friends and to your body. When you stop taking heroin your mind clears up and the reality of things hits you. The emotions you were supposed to feel when your friend died. Those regrets you were supposed to feel when you stole. The shame you were supposed to feel over what you did with your life, to your parent’s life, to your brother’s life… it all comes crashing down on you at one time.

And, naturally in that time addicts return to heroin to avoid the mountain of guilt and regret coming towards them like a Formula One Car. After I stopped taking heroin, I got good days and bad ones. Strangely enough the bad ones are the safe ones. There is a certain fighting instinct that kicks in, that tells you, that you can do it. You have to do it and tomorrow everything will be better again. And you believe it.

But it is the good days and the better days that frighten me the most. It is in that time that your mind doesn’t react on instinct anymore. It reacts on fear, on desperation, on loss of hope. It sees the bad days you’ve had and it knows you’ll have them again. The vicious circle will rollercoaster you up and down on a route you’ll know by heart. Now, I’m not planning suicide. I’m just saying if it should ever happen to me, it probably won’t happen BECAUSE I did something stupid. It will happen BEFORE I do it AGAIN!