My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 18 September 2007)
Day 298 – “Relapse!” (PRE-WRITTEN)
I have been thinking about this for weeks now. Should I say something or should I just keep quiet? Should I embrace the image created by the strength I have shown over these months and continue as a “recovering heroin addict” that miraculously manages to stay clean from heroin against all the odds? Or should I tell the truth about how heroin found a weak spot and wormed its way into my life again? The answer is easy, I guess… this blog has always been known for its honesty, infact it is almost famous for it. I would have to tell the truth!
And the truth is that I used heroin again. And what makes it so difficult to talk about this time is not only does it come months and months after I last took heroin, but it wasn’t just a one time occurrence like the other times – it lasted a while! How long and when it happened is something I have decided to leave out of the blog for now. I have my reasons for doing so and I hope you’ll respect my privacy regarding it.
In my numerous talks to those close to me over this period I realized just once again how little any of us understand about this addiction. That is, above all else, my main motivator for telling the story on the blogs again. After all I went through and learned, after all I put my family through and promised never to do again – it still happened again. I find myself almost helpless, clueless at this moment to give an answer to something that just doesn’t seems logical.
I know that I have a lot of explaining to many angry and disappointed people. The entries still to follow have all been written already and I must say after writing them the answer still doesn’t seem that clear to me. I hope you’ll share your comments, views and opinions with me. I have kept certain days open to respond to them and I’m hoping some of you will help me get an objective view on these events.
It is sad to say but moments like these it feels like everything I endured and survived over this period means nothing. It is like this long road of recovery I endured, lies almost non-existent with the new headline news posing on the front page: “I relapsed!”
Day 298 – “Relapse!”
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How about this for a front page: "I relapsed and I am glad to have survived!"
"Or should I tell the truth about how heroin found a weak spot and wormed its way into my life again?" Don't blame the drug Tristan. You used because something was going on for you whether you were conscious of this or not.
"I have a lot of explaining to many angry and disappointed people." Sounds traumatising when you put it like that.
Have you ever considered not having your full name on this blog. Some employers are known to google names of prospective employees. Just a thought.
Instead of promising yourself or your family that you will never use again, how 'bout saying to yourself, to use a 12 Step cliché, "Just for Today" I won't use. It places less pressure on you rather than the absolute of saying "never".
All the best mate.