Day 300 – “I took heroin again!”

My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 20 September 2007)
Day 300 – “I took heroin again!” (PRE-WRITTEN)

“I took heroin again.” I cannot begin to describe the feelings those words leave in my life. They seem to echo in the empty space that is my mind right now and I expect to hear in the distance answers coming back to me. There are none! I never thought I’d say them again and I presume my family and friends never thought they’d hear them again either. But nevertheless, it is true… I took heroin again!

I saw my doctor to get medicine to help with the withdrawals. My heroin intake wasn’t just a few days – so the withdrawals won’t be easy. They aren’t supposed to be, I guess. Some people believe you should suffer with your withdrawals, so that you don’t go and take again. Those people have so much to learn about heroin!

But I think we all do. As I told my loved ones about my relapse I found that many still don’t understand what it is all about. Of course how could they, when I still don’t understand most of it! That was even more reason to tell everybody about this relapse, to write about it – because it is happening out there - to the weakest and the strongest of heroin addicts everywhere!

I remember my one friend, after he relapsed. He didn’t want anybody’s help. He was aggressive at times and didn’t give his co-operation at all. And somehow I understand it today. I have always co-operated in my recovery. Perhaps not always giving as much as I could have at that moment – but nevertheless, I did co-operate. I was never aggressive or angry because I wanted to get better, I calmly tried what I could. Yet today, I feel almost hostile, picking fights with people that only want to help, perhaps not being as open to a helping hand as I should be. I feel like I just want everybody to leave me alone while I get rid of it by myself.

But I know I can’t do it by myself. I tried this for the past few days and unsurprisingly failed every single day. I really just wanted to spare everybody the hurt and disappointment of going through this all again. I didn’t want to look anybody in the eyes and say those words: “I took heroin again!”



Thank you to everybody that has contacted me regarding this. I will do a blog post tomorrow to address some of what has been said. Of course, many still want to know how this happened and for that please read Monday’s blog!