Tuesday, 23 January 2007 – Day 61/43 – “On the couch: Alone”
I like cactus plants. I had three of them – they all died.
What am I afraid of - Being alone! I’m afraid of ending up a 40 year old bachelor who can count the amount of serious relationships he has had on one hand and still have fingers left.
There was a long time ago when I used to go out at night looking for people to meet. Like if I looked hard enough and in the right places I would find somebody – anybody! Every night ended miserably because my purpose was to find someone and I seemed to waste every night while I pointlessly searched and found no-one.
I wasn’t a model. I didn’t look like a movie star – I would never look like one. But I wasn’t ugly; I was a good guy with a great personality. I realized one day that if I spent my life looking for someone the whole time I would end up miserable and alone anyway. So, I changed. I started living like I was the only one that made myself happy – I didn’t need a “better half” to make me better.
The city I live in is small. The options are limited. My self-esteem is very low. And I am going through heroin recovery. Seems like I am just adding to the long list of obstacles that will keep me from finding anybody.
I am mentioning this and you might be thinking what this has got to do with my heroin recovery. I sat a large part of this weekend thinking about the disease I have called addiction. How my addiction has been one thing, then another, then another. It simply won’t go away until I find the problem! Seeing as I am totally in debt I can’t afford to see a physiatrist right now. So, the next best thing has been sitting on the blog-couch telling my story for the past 60 days.
Today, this is my story. A story about an insecure, hopeless romantic that thinks there is still good and love in the world. I believe that, because I’m still here. After all that happened, after all my sins, I am still here, with more love than ever to give. And as unappreciated as it might sound right now… I’m afraid… afraid of being here 14 years from now – still very much alone!
Day 61/43 – “On the couch: Alone"
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Don't think it, KNOW it, there is loads of good & buckets of luv out there. Just 'cause u've not found your Queen yet, doesn't mean u not a King. Don't rush anything now, not even your emotions. One day at a time! Can we talk about your self esteem sometime - got some ideas to work with.