Day 60/42 - "A bit of traffic"

Monday, 22 January 2007 - Day 60/42 - "A bit of traffic"

I don’t think I’m strong enough for that yet. I have thought about it, but it is just too dangerous. To most it would seem harmless enough but to me it is waving a carrot in front of a donkey. There are three movies I would like to see again, very much. Due to the topic of the movies – I am avoiding them for the moment.

“Trainspotting”, “Requiem for a Dream” and “Basketball Diaries” are some of the most brilliant drug stories you’ll ever see – especially about heroin addiction. “Basketball Diaries” was the first time Mark Wahlberg (who I knew from Calvin Klein underwear modeling) and Leonardo di Caprio (who I first saw on Growing Pains in 1992) worked together. They, along with one of my other favorite actors Matt Damon worked on a movie together again – “The Departed”. It is an absolutely brilliant piece of work. I sat through the 150 minute movie hoping it would never end.

Without giving anything about the plot away it is essentially about two people working under cover, leading double lives. I find the concept of a “double life” very intriguing. As I walked out of the movie I thought of how my own life was lived almost like a double life for a very long time. By myself I was a heroin addict, I stole, manipulated, cheated – all to keep my addiction going. Among my friends I pretended to be okay, like I wasn’t taking or wasn’t craving. In front of my family I was either trying to get clean or totally clean – that was my double life.

In the movie there is one line I want to quote: “I want my identity back…” Leonardo said this and I sat there saying the same to myself. Seven years ago my life went on a detour along a path that lead me to drugs. I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to find my way back to the highway – which is the proper course of my life - my identity! Then again, maybe the road I took wasn’t a detour – maybe all that happened was destined to happen this way and I’ve been on the highway this whole time – just getting a bit of traffic!