Day 67/49 – “I’m on the outside, I’m looking in!”

Monday, 29 January 2007 – Day 67/49 – “I’m on the outside, I’m looking in!”

“If I won a million rand tomorrow would I take heroin again?” I got asked that question in an e-mail this past week. I gave a smile when I read it. I thought to myself… if only everything was as easy as answering this question. “No… I won’t take any heroin… but I can’t promise about anything else!”

I am hoping that when you read these blogs you can see that I am improving. That the person I was 70 days ago is not the person I am today. But the reality of it is, that the person I am today, the person I have been for the past 7 years, 10 years, my whole life – isn’t much of who I am supposed to be either.

I know who I am inside. I know I am a wonderful person, with many talents, great strengths, a plan for the future, for his life. For some reason I can’t seem to pull myself together, follow it through. I have the strength to overcome heroin addiction but I can’t find the strength to head my life in a direction. I just drift aimlessly.

This recovery is about stopping and never taking any drugs or alcohol again. It is about finding the problem that keeps driving me towards the next high and the next one and the next one. It is about why I think I need drugs to accomplish something in this life or why I think I need them to have any fun.

“If I won a million rand tomorrow would I take heroin again?”
“No… I won’t take any heroin… but I can’t promise about anything else!”

So it seems my recovery is only starting!