Day 69/51 – “Form Follows Function”

Wednesday, 31 January 2007 – Day 69/51 – “Form Follows Function”

The most important question I could ask myself is if a professional therapist could help me find the direction I seek?! And maybe in that one question lies the reason for asking all the other questions. “Yes… No… Maybe… I just don’t know!” I’d like to think, yes. I’d like to think that there is help available, that perhaps somebody out there has an answer…

I have an obsession, a fixed idea that keeps driving me back to my drugs. I have a compulsion that causes me to be unable to stop at one fix, one pill, one anything.

I have a history of drug abuse. Through the years I have used and abused numerous different drugs and every time I managed to stop and ignorantly continue with my life until my obsession and compulsion drove me to the next thing.

Heroin addiction was the worst thing that happened in my life. It shot me in my knees and while I lay there bleeding it kicked me repeatedly until I hung but inches away from death… that is what heroin did because that is what heroin does. But, heroin gave me this – the realization that I am an addict, the clarity to see some of my problems and the determination to solve them before I end up on my knees again.

I have one quote I always remember, one line I believe in and try to live by: “When we know better, we do better…”. Perhaps my faults, which may or may not be many, is obvious to you and oblivious to me. That is probably the reason I am here then - trying to know better, trying to do better!