Day 143 - "Half full or half empty"

Monday, 16 April 2007
Day 143 / 67 - "Half full or half empty"

“Is the glass half full or half empty?”
I always figured myself as a ‘half full’ kinda guy. Somehow no matter what life threw my way I found the silver lining. I believed there is good in everybody and everybody should be given a chance – a slightly gullable quality I later realized. And the person I was 2 years ago, even though not pleased with the circumstances and lack of meaningful activities the city provided, would have found the silver lining in every situation.

The person I was 2 years ago would have written the blog on Friday and my defining optimism would have been engraved in every line. The truth is I am not that person any more. And for a long time I didn’t think I would ever be that person again. And by ‘that person’ I don’t mean clean from heroin, we are way passed that. I mean, happy, content, alive, in love, wacky, crazy, funky… all those things that used to be me. All those things that on the worst of days you could still find somewhere inside of me.

The worst thing in the world is knowing who you are inside and out, but you can’t seem to be that person again. You always feel like you’re standing on the wrong side of a glass wall. You can see who you are, you can almost touch him, that’s how close you are – but something is still keeping you.

For the first time in ages, I am sitting here and I don’t really know where to start or where to end. I found something over the weekend. Something which I had all along, but it was staring me in the face from the other side of a glass wall. And if I knew what it was that brought it back to me, I would bottle it up and sell it to the world, because every one deserves the chance to find themselves again.

You see, I used heroin for a very long time before I got to the day where I decided to try and stop. It didn’t come soon and it didn’t come easy – but I believe it came at the time it was meant to be. For more than 7 months after that I tried every single day to stop – and every single day I failed. And one day, 143 days ago, I woke up and said “this is the day”. It didn’t come easy and it didn’t come soon, but it came – at exactly the time it was meant to be.

This weekend I woke up and that huge weight on my shoulders disappeared. And no, it is not heroin or cravings or depression. I know those won’t just magically disappear over night. It’s that pessimism that have been running through my vains as heroin used to do. It is that feeling that you’ve reached your peak and it is all downhill from hereon. Its that thing keeping you down when everything else in your life says you are doing good, you are doing better! It’s gone!

It is a difficult thing to explain to somebody that hasn’t been involved with heroin, but perhaps there are still many that relate. For something to have a hold on you, even when its long gone. You feel it’s grip every single day, no matter how well it might be going with you. And then one day, at exactly the time it was meant to be, you find it has loosened it’s grip on your life. Your glass is finally half full again!